Pope Goes the Weasel

At a time when there is no Pope we are finding out that our sweaters are possessed by demons. This couldn't come at a worse time. Pat Robertson gave us the warning but Stephen had a Consumer Alert. If you look at the labels on your clothes you will probably find the occult symbols plus instructions so that you can cast out Lucifer, always wash in cold, tumble dry low. Stephen then blessed all our clothes.

The artist formerly known as the Pope has resigned. He had times of great joy during his time as Pope but also times when he thought the Lord was sleeping. That's right. Sleeping. Of course this is not true and Stephen told us why.

As for the next Pope, we don't know who it will be. Therefore, three Pope outfits are made, in sizes small, medium and large. I imagine once the new Pope is known for sure, the tailors will be able to get those robes to fit just right. In the meantime, vendors who sell Pope merchandise are trying to move out that old merchandise before a new Pope is named. You can't blame them for trying to cash in with all those mementos and memorabilia. Stephen had examples. And he assured us that the carpet matches the shoes. I won't go into details. He also quoted scripture: "Look for the souvenir stalls in the temple, just past the moneychangers. You can't miss it!" Matthew 21:13

The Sequester is making the news all the time. Lots of bad stuff is happening. People's lives will be affected. Why is this happening? Why can't it get fixed? Perhaps Stephen had the answer with a simple explanation. The senators and representatives still get their salary regardless of what they get accomplished or not accomplished. Where do I sign up? He explained it like this. Congress thinks that it's like a loan shark that says if you don't pay up, I'm gonna break your neighbor's legs. Stephen had a solution that involved a monkey, food source and a locked door.

Jon Favreau was the guest on Thursday night. He has been working with Barack Obama since he was 23 years old - just a youngster. Favreau is much older now - he's 31. He is the former speech writer for Obama and also John Kerry. It was interesting to hear how the speech writing process works. I imagine it can be different for different people, that just makes sense. Barack Obama would talk with Jon Favreau, say all the things that were important while Favreau would type all of it. Then, he would go to work polishing it.

If you go to the Google machine to find out more, be aware that there is a Hollywood actor with the same name. Interesting, because it seems that is where this Jon Favreau is heading off to soon.

Dear Pat

Matt Taibbi was on in the pre-interview segment for a mini-interview. He and Stephen talked about HSBC. You can read about HSBC here.

In a segment that Stephen did not have a title for, but a segment that Dear Abby would surely approve of, we got some relationship advice from none other than Pat Robertson. A 17 year-old had written Pat Robertson that his mom feels alone because his dad spends too much time hogging the Xbox 360. Pat Robertson's advice was that "maybe Mom is not as sweet as you think she is." Basically, Pat thinks she needs to keep looking good. She needs to live up to Pat Robertson standards of what a woman should be.

You know that joke about the woman complaining to the priest that her husband drinks and then the priest says if he was married to her he would drink too? Yep, Pat told it on the 700 club back on January 9 so well that probably everyone in his television audience was rolling on the floor laughing.

It might be a good time to check out how Pat and Stephen are doing over at one of my favorite sources for information, Conservapedia. Back in October of 2009 I had a post about Conservapedia. Pat Robertson's page on Conservapedia showed 9,180 hits back then while Stephen's showed 95,815 hits. Today those numbers are 20,081 for Robertson and 194,149 for Colbert. If you don't believe me, just go look at the page for Stephen Colbert.

Tom Brokaw was the guest for January 16. Brokaw impressed Stephen with all the Brokaw things he is able to do. Brokaw is of the opinion that soon Texas will be completely different thanks to the Latino vote. It was more fascinating political stuff and included Stephen working in a Star Trek reference. I think Stephen is actually impressed with Tom Brokaw. Perhaps if Stephen does run for POTUS, he might think about Tom Brokaw as his VP choice!

You Can't Drive a Car With a Windmill On It

Stephen started with a music theme, threw in some religion and politics in the middle, and then ended with music. In just a few days, the Annual Pop Conference will be going on in Seattle at the EMP Museum (Experience Music Project). Now before you get too excited, it is a conference, not a concert, so just keep that in mind. That being said however, you would probably think that a musician and scholar such as Stephen would be welcomed with open arms to the Conference. But no. Stephen's work was yet again rejected. His scholarly paper did not make the cut. He had the paper there with him on the show, even read the title. It sounded fascinating and I, for one, only wish there had been time for him to read it on the air. (Note to self. Check iTunes to see if it is there in Spoken Word category.)

Pat Robertson. Stephen is worried about Robertson and his ministry. You may remember Pat from the things he says on his show. Things such as:

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti. They got together and swore a pact to the devil."
"Islam is not a religion."
"We assume Jewish people are very thrifty."
"What about bestiality?"
"He likes to have sex with ducks."
"That guy was homo."
"Those who are involved in martial arts before they start are actually inhaling some demon spirit."

But lately Pat has been advocating something that, well, let's just say it involves the munchies. And that might include, perhaps, his age-defying protein pancakes. Yes, people could eat those pancakes. Pat eats them, so that's an endorsement right there.

You know there are many reality shows on TV. People that are "Real" and people at the "Shore". A recent one, "All American Muslim" on TLC, won't be back for a second season. Apparently they are too normal. Seems like you need to be "real" instead of "normal" to make it in TV land.

But, enough about religion. Stephen reminded us that bears are always a threat and then he touched on politics a little bit. It's yet again another primary, this time in Mississippi and Alabama, along with Hawaii and American Samoa. All the usual issues come to light such as climate change, drilling, and other energy related stuff. Mitt Romney said that you can't drive a car with a windmill on it. (Duh.) Stephen asked the obvious question, "Because then where would the dog go?" And Newt Gingrich, while fond of Newtland on the Moon also speaks of Cloud Cuckoo Land where algae is used for fuel. "You can't make this stuff up," said Newt.

Apparently, ExxonMobil is actually doing this, to the tune of some $600 million to develop this technology!

And back to music to end the show. Andrew Bird was the guest tonight. He is not "famous", but now needs to be ready to be "super famous" as a result of being on The Colbert Report (you know, the famous Colbert Bump). He sang the song Eyeoneye from his latest album Break It Yourself.

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By the way, I noticed over at the Wikipedia page about Andrew Bird that he went to Northwestern University. Don't we know someone else that is on the list of Alumni from Northwestern University? Someone with the initials S.C.?

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If you notice, most of my postings are done late at night when I am so very tired. And so sometimes there will be words that are typed or spelled wrong. Typically I find them when I read them in a more alert state and change them a day or two later. I have made one correction today. It makes the humor much funnier when the words are right. Hopefully my readers are either more alert or if not that, then forgiving when Eye dew make these unintentionel errars.

Republicans Crave Fun

Yep, Republicans crave fun. Or so says George Will. It seems almost not worth the ink to write something like that because it should be obvious to everyone.

Something else that should come as no surprise to Colbert fans. Stephen is a huge fan of Pat Robertson. You may remember Pat from his incredibly powerful "Age Defying Protein Pancakes." Stephen is also a fan of those pancakes. You can tell the pancakes really work because neither Stephen nor Pat Robertson has aged in all the years they both have been on TV.

Good News from Pat. God told him who the next president will be but Pat isn't going to tell us. Nope, that's his little secret. Pat also had an extensive conversation with God and God told him it will be a time of maximum stress and peril.

Will it be massive power threat? - No!
Will it be North Korea Nuclear Threat? - No!
Will it be Mayan Galaxy alignment? - No!
(At this point, Stephen had a Mayan hat on and a flustered chicken in his lap.)

So, what is it? Drum roll........ It is economic collapse.

How can that be you ask. Well, this is what Pat Robertson said.

"God said and I quote. This is not my judgement. They are bringing it upon themselves. Your country will be torn apart by internal stress. Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority. Expect chaos and paralysis. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer."

So Stephen donned his lucky red prayer hat but then took it up a level to his prayer sombrero, or som-prayer-o. He put on his large foam prayer hands and had his stagehands bring out stacks of speakers. (I assume so that God could hear better.)

Let us pray, well, let Stephen pray.

"Dear Lord,
We have heard you speak through your Pat Puppet. We mortals are heartily sorry we elected Barack Obama. Help us defeat him in 2012, although Pat says you already know what's going to happen so either this prayer has already worked or it hasn't which means it's either unnecessary or pointless.

"Oh, and one more thing Lord. Why'd you tell Pat Robertson? I'm not complaining but what about me? Is there some sort of next president phone tree I can get on, you know like in case there's a snow day? Anyway, if it's something I've done, (other than you know that thing I keep trying to stop doing), I'm sorry.

"Amen. Jesus Number One!"

Tonight's guest was not George Will or Pat Robertson, although that would be interesting. It was Steve Case, founder of AOL.

Stephen reminded Steve that Steve introduced the greatest waster of time in the workplace. But now Steve has another company, Revolution, which seems to be about sharing. Stephen informed Steve that sharing seems Marxist, and seems to be a socialist idea.

But Stephen warmed up to the idea, even offering his own suggestion for sharing toasters. Instead of all of us owning one and keeping it in the kitchen, there could be one central place where people go to borrow the toaster, bring it home to make toast, and then bring it back. When Steve said that was a good idea, Stephen pulled the rug out from under that notion by saying it is the stupidest idea he's heard of.

I agree with Stephen. It's a stupid idea. So stupid, it just might work.

Colbert Trumps Trump

I'm not much of a card player, so I hope I'm using that verb correctly. As some of you may recall, back on October 9, 2009, I had a post about Conservapedia entitled Special Message from Conservapedia where I suggested that Conservapedia had given Stephen Colbert the famous Colbert Bump. I also mentioned that Pat Robertson had 9,180 hits on his page while Stephen Colbert had 95,815 hits on his page.

Today I decided to see how those numbers have changed. Pat Robertson has increased his numbers to 13,443 while Stephen is now at 176,176! Wow, I think Conservapedia really did give Stephen the Colbert Bump.

Then I decided to check out a few other people. First I searched for Newt, but all I got was this short article:

"Newt are amphibians with four legs, and a tail. They are outwardly similar to lizards, despite being members of a different class of the animal kingdom - like lizards, they can regenerate limbs, but unlike lizards, they have soft slimy skin instead of scales."

Well that seemed strange, so then I searched for Newt Gingrich and then I found the guy who is going to run for the GOP nomination for president. If you don't remember him, he's the guy who loves his wife so much that he's had three of them so far. Anyway, his page has been accessed 15,531 times.

Then I looked for Tim Pawlenty, the old T Paw, and found that his page has been accessed 4,380 times. For Sarah Palin, (wow, they had almost a book on her page) there were 1,005,585 hits for that page. For Michele Bachmann, the number stands at 69,171. And for The Donald (Donald Trump, not Donald Pellview) the grand total is 5,711 times.

A few more names and numbers: Ron Paul is at 42,590. OMG, Barack Obama is so popular on Conservapedia that 2,204,356 people have looked at his page. I guess conservatives must like Obama as much as liberals do. Interesting. Mitt Romney is at 32,200 times that his page has been accessed. Mike Huckabee has 31,561 for his number.

I don't know that any of those number mean anything especially important, it's just interesting on a rainy day to do a little Conservative reading. If you want to get your own Colbert Bump, you can read about Stephen Colbert on Conservapedia here.

Colbert Bump

Since I posted yesterday, I have been following the entries on Conservapedia for Pat Robertson and Stephen Colbert. I chose Pat Robertson because he is well known and has been around a long time, even longer than Stephen. Plus Pat Robertson also has a TV show. Anyway, I looked at those pages again today. Pat Robertson's page shows 6 more hits since yesterday, putting his total at 9,186. Stephen Colbert's page shows 100,927 which is a whopping 5,112 more hits since yesterday. No matter how many times I look at each of these two pages, I can't advance the hit counter. So, obviously it is other people from all over the nation or even world that are looking at Colbert's page on Conservapedia. It's as if by Colbert giving Conservapedia the Colbert Bump, that Conservapedia has returned the favor to give Colbert the Colbert Bump. This is truly amazing stuff!

Special Message from Conservapedia

Mischief is afoot. I checked out Conservapedia today. (See previous post if you haven't read that yet.) On the right hand side of the Conservapedia website, under "In the News" it said this:

"Special message to the Colbert show watchers: do yourselves a favor and watch less television. Colbert and his advertisers want to make money off you, but you can accomplish some good instead by unplugging the TV. You could even pick up a Bible."

I agree with some of that special message but disagree with other parts of it. Let me explain. The only times I remember Stephen asking for money was for charities. For example, if you buy a $7.50 WRISTSTRONG Bracelet, $5.00 will be donated to The Yellow Ribbon Fund. (Okay, so he advertises some pharmaceuticals, but isn't that the American way to get rich? I mean, it's practically in the Constitution.) So he's not trying to make money off of people, he's supporting our troops.

But take for example on Pat Robertson's 700 Club website, he asks for as much as $834 each and every month! And you do not even get a bracelet!

I do thank Conservapedia for suggesting that people unplug their TV. If we all do that when we are not watching The Colbert Report, or something else such as Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, it would save a little bit of electricity and all that little bit adds up to help stop global warming. So a Tip of the Hat to Conservapedia for their concern about Global Warming.

And I like that they are telling people to pick up a Bible. Again, it's these small things that can make a difference. Pick it up, put it down. Do this for 20 repetitions each day and you will see improvement in your arm muscles.

But here is one of my complaints. On their Pat Robertson page, they talk about his run for the presidency. But do they even mention that Stephen also ran for president? No. Just because Pat stayed in the race longer and raised more money and had more votes, they consider it to be more pertinent. Well, when did being pertinent ever pertain to things that are important or relevant?

How would the election have turned out for either of these two men if they had stayed in the race all the way to election day? We can never know how the elections of 1988, 1992, or 2008 would have turned out. But here is a good indicator. Pat Robertson's page on Conservapedia shows only 9,180 hits while Stephen Colbert's page on Conservapedia shows 95,815 hits. It 's pretty clear from those statistics who would have had a better chance at winning the election. Never mind that they didn't even run in the same years.

But all in all, it is nice of Conservapedia to recognize Stephen Colbert. I think they may actually be giving Stephen that famous Colbert Bump!