Cantaloupe Calves

Is nothing what it seems any more? The Town Crier who so eloquently, if unintelligibly, yelled out that the Royal Baby had been born, is apparently fake. Okay, he is real, but he is not a real Town Crier for London or for the Royalty. His name is Tony Appleton and he does weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs. I don't know quite what he does at those events, maybe he just yells. He took it upon himself to announce the news and it certainly looked like he had a jolly good time doing it.

In another city in another country, Detroit could use a good Town Crier. You know, someone to yell at people to get going, get stuff done, take care of each other. Detroit is officially bankrupt and everyone is blaming the problems on the Unions. This is bad news for retirees who were counting on their "lavish" pensions that average $19,000.

On the show to tell Stephen about how Detroit is going to survive was Stephen Henderson of the Detroit Free Press. He is optimistic. Stephen Colbert suggested everyone in Detroit get malaria so that Bill Gates would come in and save the town. You probably know that everyone is suggesting that the Detroit Institute of Arts sell off its treasures. Stephen Henderson is not a fan of that because, well all those things are treasures of Detroit.  Stephen Colbert  believes manufacturing is a thing of the past in Detroit. Stephen Henderson believes manufacturing is a thing of the future in Detroit.

Steve King (is everything tonight about Stephens and Stevens?) is fond of saying all sorts of things. Recently he claimed that young illegals weigh 130 pounds, have calves like cantaloupes and are hauling drugs across the desert.

He also recently compared immigrants to dogs, according to some people. Friend of the show and Univision anchor Jorge Ramos recently asked Steve King about his comments. No no no no. Jorge Ramos had it all wrong. Steve King was "celebrating" legal immigrants with his comments.

It's easy to understand. For example, Stephen called Steve King a tool. That is a compliment. A tool is a useful implement.No need for Steven King to be offended by that.

Senator Olympia Snowe was on the show as the guest. I think she was scheduled to be on earlier this year but things happened and she was not on until now. She is a rare creature, a moderate Republican. She brought diversity to the Republican party, i.e. political diversity. They both agreed that many moderate Republicans are in the closet. She has a book out, "Fighting For Common Ground - How We Can Fix the Stalemate In Congress."

Stephen handed her a challenge. "Getting something done. Sell me on it."

Whoa! Then Stephen threw some challenging stuff at her. John Boehner recently said that the job of Congress is not to pass laws, it's to repeal them. Mitch McConnell had as a goal making Barack Obama a one-term president. Neither man said anything about getting something done.

Stephen and Olympia Snowe disagreed further. She thinks the purpose of being in public office is to get something done. He thinks the purpose is of being in public office is to stay in public office.

(As if that isn't enough to disagree on, she doesn't think Stephen should have been able to have a Super PAC)

Even tougher question for her, considering how important it is to her to get something done - "Why did you leave the Senate?"

"Because the polarization wasn't going to diminish, and I wanted to take my fight outside of the Senate."

(Be sure to go to that link about Olympia Snowe. You can see a photo of the huge snowman built in her honor. Just scroll down the page a bit.)

Buy the Book, Buy the Book

In a real change from tradition, when the show started, the audience chanted, "Buy the book. Buy the book. Buy the book. Buy the book. Buy the book. Buy the book."

Nah, I'm just pulling your leg. They chanted "Stephen. Stephen. Stephen..." as usual. However, the reason I'm saying this is that Stephen's latest best seller (of course it will be a best seller) went on sale on October 2. So, go out and buy "America Again: Re-Becoming The Greatness We Never Weren't", or just go over to Colbert Nation and you can order it there.

Stephen explained to his younger viewers just exactly what a "book"is. "A book is a blog for people with attention spans." Okay. Now I'm offended. I am writing this blog. And you should be offended too, because you are reading this blog. I doubt that any of us have short attention spans. In fact, I am so offended I am not going to buy his book - today. I will wait until tomorrow. That sends a very clear message to Stephen. I hope he has learned from this whole unpleasant episode.

But anyway, Stephen reminded us that there are only 35 shopping days until the election, so there's a good reason to buy the book. The Koch Brothers are smart. They bought their candidate early. Buy the book. Buy the book. It makes great gifts for friends and family.

Coming up this Sunday, because of a law passed in 1954, (wherein churches can't be politically active), a whole gaggle of preachers, or is it a flock of preachers... no that's the people in the pews, so yeah, gaggle of preachers are going to give a sermon and get all political just to irk the IRS. Mike Huckabee calls it Pulpit Freedom Sunday. Wow, they are going to preach and then violate the law by endorsing one of the candidates, either Mitt Romney or Not Obama. They'll record their sermons and then send them to the IRS.

Here to speak to the issue is none other than Dr. Jim Garlow. He explained that he wants freedom of speech. Stephen explained to him that he wants in on the sweet deal to have his speech subsidized, tax free!, by the government. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin's names were dropped and yet they weren't men enough to come on the show like Dr. Jim Garlow was. Stephen explained many reasons why he agrees with the pastor. For one thing, Stephen has always supported Mitt Romney, but it is in conflict with his (Stephen's) Catholic faith. He (Romney) is in a cult, he is an apostate heretic, and therefore should not hold the office of President.

There was a little bit of awkwardness when the pastor questioned whether Stephen was a preacher. Duh. His congregation is sitting right there. Double Duh.

Stephen believes there is not enough politics in our religion. If his preacher says vote for a certain candidate and the candidate loses, Stephen knows he's got a loser God. Or if the preacher is corrupt, Stephen knows his God is false and he can move on to another God. Amen brother.

This discussion was very helpful. Yahweh surely is pleased.

Everything to be changed!

Wednesday is the first debate. Everyone says the debates could change everything. The Romney Campaign is heaping praise on the ability of of President Obama to speak, to debate, to thrill audiences. The only defense available to Mitt Romney is Zingers. He has been practicing ever since August.

Additional punctuation is needed for tonight's guest, Jorge Ramos. Stephen assured us that he will begin every question with an upside down question mark. First question was that age-old conundrum, Hispanic or Latino. Jorge Ramos told him that it is sort of an east coast, west coast thing. Hispanic on the east coast and Latino on the west coast. It's not mandatory or written in stone, but probably similar to pop vs. soda debate.

Polls have been consistently giving Mitt Romney about 21% of the Hispanic vote even though his Mitt Romney's father was born in Mexico. The two discussed the two candidates and self deportation. Jorge Ramos has talked with thousands of immigrants and none of them have said they will self deport. Part of the reason, a big part, of why the immigrants are here is because people in the United States hire them to care for young children, to do the yard work, to build houses, etc. Stephen and Jorge Ramos went on to talk about George W. Bush who got about 44% of the Hispanic vote. Jorge Ramos said that George W. Bush was the first American president who thought that he spoke Spanish. Stephen reminded Jorge Ramos that George W. Bush thought he spoke English too.