Nothing Motivates Like Cash

Last Thursday found Stephen preparing for Winter Storm Nemo. He had ice melt, he had a shovel, he had a windshield scraper, and of course a beverage to warm body and spirit. With Boston expecting five-foot snowdrifts, Stephen was worried that if New York got the same amount of snow and wind, Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York City, might not be found until the spring thaw!

Stephen also is getting ready for the 2016 elections. Who will be the presidential candidate for the GOP? Will it be Jeb Bush, half of Chris Christie, or even Bobby Jindal after he makes one important wish. But there is one place Stephen told us is the best place to find a candidate - the State Senate.

To start off this search for candidates from State Senates, Stephen highlighted some highlights of Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield. Senator Campfield has a unique understanding of AIDS. One of his bills was a "Don't Say Gay" bill which Stephen proved is effective by reminding us that if we don't talk about something, it goes away. (For instance, Sarah Palin.)

Stacey Campfield has a new Don't Say Gay bill, but this one allows, even compels some to Say Gay. Stephen demonstrated the difference between the old Don't Say Gay bill and the new Don't Say Gay.

Moving on from Tennessee to Ohio, Stephen lamented moochers, those people who get paid to sit around all day. Also paid to sit around all day and complain about moochers, Paul Ryan. He says too many people are dependent on government. Also saying this is Bill O'Reilly. Also saying this is Charles Krauthammer. Unfortunately, we had to listen to Charles Krauthammer say suck on the teats. It was an uncomfortable moment for Stephen.

Just in case you had forgotten all about Stacey Campfield, he has a new solution to the dependency issue. Remember back in the day when your Dad would give you a dollar for every "A" on your report card? Stacey Campfield has a way better idea. If welfare kids don't get good grades, stop feeding them. That's right, cut back on the cash the family receives because "nothing motivates like cash". Stephen agreed that nothing motivates like cash. "And nobody knows that better than a politician."

Stephen had a short segment on relationships. Needless to say, I should be hearing from Stephen in a few days.

For the interview on Thursday, Stephen welcomed Benh Zeitlin. Probably we will hear more about him in coming years. You may know of his film, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and four Oscar nominations. One of the nominations is for young actress Quvenzhane Wallis who played Hushpuppy. Read more about Ben Zeitlin and Beasts of the Southern Wild here.

We found out that animal crackers were a currency on set. (This to deal with motivation perhaps when working with such a young actress.) Stephen commented on the four Oscar nominations and asked if Beasts of the Southern Wild can only win one Oscar, "Which one should it be?"

"Oh, it's gotta be hers."

# Filling Air Time

Stephen told his audience that when they chant his name it is the best Karaoke song ever. He also told us about some cool technology that he saw on CNN. They have the ability to capture what was just on CNN and then send it to their friends. So, not only can you tell someone you are watching Wolf Blitzer, you can show them. It's basically #fillingairtime.

Speaking of skeletal figures dressed in black robes at this time of year, the Supreme Court will be deciding if Abigail Fischer should have been able to go to the University of Texas like she wanted to or to Louisiana State University like she had to. Joining Stephen briefly was Emily Bazelon to discuss Affirmative Action. This was an issue that was dear and near to Stephen because he had to go to Dartmouth instead of Hogwarts.

For hungry fans of the show, there was a Soup to Nuts segment where we learned about volunteering. Paul Ryan "volunteered" at a St. Vincent De Paul Soup Kitchen. You can see video here of Paul Ryan and his shiny pan scrubbing.  What a hoot. I wonder if he was being punked because anyone could see those pots and pans that he scrubbed were already as shiny as the day they were born. Perhaps Paul Ryan needs to get his eyes checked. This episode with Paul Ryan reminds me of his Marathon Days. Paul Ryan is in good shape and yet he keeps tripping over his own feet (or his own tongue). I think what happened is that someone told him he should pretend to be washing dishes, but no one realized that everybody would see that they didn't need to be washed. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Now I'm thinking of something else. It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yeah, now I remember. Click here to see what I'm thinking of. Hint: Hans Christian Andersen.

Perhaps in an effort to help Paul Ryan do a better job of running for Vice President, Stephen has come up with a way to provide assistance. It's called, "Save the Candidates." Turning to the camera and speaking softly, Stephen shows us a photo of Paul Ryan and says, "This is Paul. He wants to be Vice President but he needs your help." Stephen goes on to urge us to spend just a few minutes a day and provide Paul with the photo opps he needs, perhaps with orphans or veterans. You can help this young man (Paul Ryan) live up to his dream of cutting all your government funding. Stephen was so sincere, I expect there will be some takers.

The guest last night was friend of the show, Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, New Jersey. The last time Cory Booker was on the show, Stephen awarded him alpha dog for running into a burning building which also alarmed Stephen who wondered if his studio was on fire. (It wasn't!)

Stephen Colbert asked questions like, "Why wasn't "God" in the Democratic Platform?" Said Cory Booker, "Religion was in there. Faith was in there. And it favored faith-based programs." He had read the Republican Party Platform and it was shinier in that they talked about going back to the gold standard.

But they didn't just talk about God and gold. They talked about #waywire. Stephen summed it up as video communication and activism at the same time. Cory was impressed with the summation. Unfortunately he had just admitted that he liked a soundbite. That's okay. Soundbites are also delicious.

Revenue Neutral

We found out a little bit about math on the show, --- just a teeny tiny bit. Paul Ryan doesn't give specifics of Mitt Romney's tax plan because it would take too long to go through all the math. So, now we know why we don't know what everyone has been waiting to know. It was a great answer that Paul Ryan gave to Chris Wallace, but it would take Stephen too long to explain why it is a great answer so just trust Stephen and by default I imagine we should trust Paul Ryan.

Stephen informed us that President Obama is a net job creator, in other words, more jobs created than lost, so that's a nice thing.

In The Word, we found out that it is possible to get a jobs in manufacturing that pay 23 cents an hour! There is a catch, you need to be in prison to get these jobs. There is this law that dates way back to the 1930s establishing Unicor. In some ways, it seems good because it provides work and training for prisoners. Labor is very cheap, obviously, but prices don't have to be. The down side is that it makes it hard for other companies to compete with those kinds of labor costs. Sounds like no easy answers on this one.

In New York, it is the last day of the General Assembly of the UN. And you know what that means. Shopping!!! While Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York, his entourage has been snatching up great bargains at various stores around town. Stephen did have some concerns about this, but I think he may have been confused, so not as bad as he thought.

Everything on the show seemed to have a strong tie to math, or a strong time to not using math (see Paul Ryan above). Even the guest(s) had a mathematical leaning. The Musical guests were Ben Folds Five, which you would think would be a band with five people in it but actually, it's only three guys. They were there to talk with Stephen about the name of their band and other more interesting stuff. They performed "Do It Anyway," from their album "The Sound of the Life of the Mind." You know how you often can go over to Colbert Nation and hear a bonus song? Well, not so this time folks. The message at the bottom of the screen said, "For Bonus Song, go buy their album. There's nothing on our website."

So, go buy it.

Enthusiasm

"Today, the thrill and pixie dust of Barack Obama's Presidency is gone. Americans feel no hope. Democrats are despirited. And enthusiasm is clearly on the Republican side."

That was Reince Priebus with what I assume is his audition tape for Saturday Night Live. Reince Priebus is most likely hoping to get to be the replacement for the sketch they used to have about Debbie Downer. You really do have to listen to  the delivery of that audition tape to appreciate the irony. He is talking about enthusiasm but he has absolutely none. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

With the Democratic Convention going on, it's the perfect time for Better Know a District. Yvette Clarke of New York's 9th was Stephen's guest. (But she will be in the 11th or is it the 11th now and will be the 9th??? Darn that Census and all the redrawn districts.) They talked about, if you can believe this, time machines. Time and time again, people realize that an interview with Stephen will be anything but easy. He will catch you off guard and trip you up on details.

Stephen is no fan of facts, especially when facts are used to attack good men like Paul Ryan. It was disgusting how everyone (Washington Post and Fox News) jumped all over his statements because they weren't "factually" honest.

Washington Post - Paul Ryan rebuts claims he made misleading statements in convention speech.
Washington Post -  Paul Ryan's breathtakingly dishonest speech
Fox News - Paul Ryan's speech in 3 words "World record for the greatest number of blatant lies."

From all that, Stephen was able to piece together quite the flattering statement for Paul Ryan.

Another thing Paul Ryan has been called out on is running a marathon really fast. He doesn't exactly remember his time and so inflates it (deflates it?) down to less than 3 hours when actually it was over 4 hours. Runners, those people who run 26 miles for an afternoon of fun, say that true runners remember their best  time. They remember exactly, to the second, how fast they ran that marathon. Stephen had one piece of advice for Paul Ryan. Brag about stuff that can Not be fact-checked.

Stephen's guest was Reihan Salam, Contributing Editor for National Review. Finally, a conservative guest! The two of them were having a nice yet awkward discussion when the audience started pooh-poohing Salam. "Excuse me!" Stephen said to his audience. "I'll be the one to disparage my guests."

Salam pointed out that George W. Bush was able to persuade Democrats to vote for some of his ideas and Obama can't seem to match this.

Stephen asked if it was because of the failure of Democrats who are willing to compromise with people they don't like and thus vote for Bush's stuff? Or is it that the Republicans have the strength not to do anything for someone they want out of office after one term?

Bogusivity

America Strikes Back continues. Last night Stephen talked about the Vice President nominee, Paul Ryan. Especially about his speech. It was an important speech, a huge moment. You could tell that Stephen was just as proud as anyone because he complimented Paul Ryan for finally earning his Public Speaking Merit Badge and becoming an Eagle Scout. Only one, well maybe a few, well maybe more than a dozen, little teeny, itsy bitsy problems. Ryan said things that weren't exactly factual. Lots of news organizations called him out on that. (Here, here, here, here, and here.) By looking over the video tape of Paul Ryan's speech, Stephen was able to isolate when they said he was lying. It was when he started moving his lips.

Here's what one person, Sally Kohn of Fox News, said: "Ryan's speech was an apparent attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies and misrepresentations slipped into a single political speech."

So? said the Romney campaign's Neil Newhouse on August 28, 2012. "We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers." Others pointed out that this was a speech of big ideas, huge ideas. "Such as: lying is handy," noted Stephen. "Ryan stretching the truth is just another form of doping in that if you believe him, you're a dope.

A big treat for Stephen's fans was presidential candidate and Mormon Jon Huntsman as the guest. Luckily for us he did not answer all of Stephen's questions in Mandarin Chinese, even though he speaks it fluently. Perhaps some of the interview might have gone better if he had spoken Mandarin Chinese. Because. He said this. "I hate Super PACs." and then, even worse, he admitted that he knew that would be a hurtful statement because he said next, "I knew you were going to take offense at that, Stephen."

Stephen knew exactly what to do. He promoted his own Super PAC and told Jon Huntsman that, "We are building a better tomorrow," (pauses, looks at his audience, and they all chime in together) "TOMORROW."

One of the hard hitting questions that Stephen asked of Jon Huntsman was this, "How important do YOU think the facts are to a political campaign?

Awkward pause. Audience laughs.

To close out the interview, Stephen asked Jon Huntsman to say what his honest opinion of Mitt Romney is, but to say it in Mandarin Chinese.

Jon Huntsman said it, what he really thinks of Mitt Romney. But, since it was in Mandarin Chinese, I didn't quite catch it, so we will just have to assume that we know what was said about Mitt Romney.

Four More Pegs Before We Sink

Well, now I just feel foolish. I had assumed the USS Intrepid would be on The Colbert Report. Apparently, The Colbert Report was on the USS Intrepid. I really misunderstood that whole situation. I will have to pay closer attention to what Stephen says from now on.

So, Stephen dressed up in his finest Admiral uniform for the Stephest Colbchella '012 Rocktaugustfest aboard the USS Intrepid on the Hudson River in New York and enjoyed a refreshing sip from his excited bottle of Pepsi. His second in command was there, Grandmaster Flash and what looked like a deck full of eager young fans. Wouldn't you just know it. As soon as the fun started, Jon Stewart interrupted so that he and Stephen could continue with their game of Battleship. Jon scored a hit on Stephen which is a little bit disconcerting if you are on the actual battleship at the time.

Surprising to me and maybe everyone else was the fact that Stephen at the helm waved up at Stephen on the bridge. How can he be in two places at once? And yet, there he was, up on the bridge, which was made up to be an exact replica of The Colbert Report studio.

Mitt Romney made an important announcement on Saturday morning. It looked like he was on the USS Intrepid, but, probably just another boat. Anyway, he announced that Paul Ryan would be the next president of the United States. This was a great relief to Stephen. He could relax knowing all the hoopla about Mitt Romney for President was just that, hoopla. Drat. It was a mistake by Romney. He meant to announce that Paul Ryan would be the next Vice President of the United States. Oh, well. At least it was a bold choice of another white, Christian, male candidate.

The guest tonight was Fun. I know what you are thinking, every guest is fun. But tonight, it was Fun. not fun! Either you know or you don't. Stephen ran all through the ship to get to them. Eventually he caught up to the three guys on a bunk bed. Tired by all his running, Stephen reclined in the bottom bunk and conducted the interview from there.

Sometimes interview questions are boring, but not so with Fun. Stephen asked great questions. And then he asked more questions. After a quick commercial break, more fun with Fun. They performed "Some Nights" for the whole shipload of fans.

For bonus songs go to Colbert Nation. Some lucky fans were in the right place at the right time and got to see just what a T Mobile "good-night" looks like.

Always a Bridesmaid

Poor Tim Pawlenty, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. How could Stephen's pick for Vice President not be the pick of Mitt Romney? I cried all night. I Googled Paul Ryan and found this about the new Vice President candidate. Surely Tim Pawlenty would have been a better choice. He's got a better score over at PoltiFact that Paul Ryan does. Why, almost half of what Pawlenty has said recently, almost Half, of the statements are true or mostly true.

I'm going to have to buy me some Ben and Jerry's Americone Dream and just sit and console myself. Was it something Timmy said? Was it that whole Shooting Sparks comment? Did that scare Romney away from choosing Pawlenty? We'll probably never know.

Hardware Stuff

(Note: I just updated We Mars'd It, so be sure to read the next post also.)

In his continuing Stephen Colbefrajilympic Expealacoverage '012, Stephen saluted the Olympic spirit and paid tribute to our patriotic team members. Stand proud, team members, stand proud.

And on to politics. We got to follow along in that reporter(s) followed along while Mitt Romney did some everyday, normal Joe, run of the mill shopping errands. He went to the Hardware store and bought hardware stuff. He went to the grocery store and bought, well probably grocery stuff. This of course naturally leads to a discussion of possible Vice President picks. The way to know who it will be is Wikipedia. Just see which candidate had the most updates on Wikipedia and that will be the VP pick. We know this is true because back when John McCain went all mavericky and picked Sarah Palin, her Wikipedia page had been updated about 68 times the previous day.

Can you guess what comes next? Of course. Stephen encouraged everyone to update the Wikipedia page of their favorite candidate for Mitt Romney's running mate. He demonstrated with the Wikipedia page of friend of the show Tim "T Paw" Pawlenty of Minnesota. The updates were quite interesting, however, I looked at the Wikipedia page for Tim Pawlenty and I did not see the changes. Either Wikipedia already scrubbed the updates that Stephen did, or Stephen did not press the correct Wiki Wiki button after he made the changes. But anyway, go update your favorite potential candidate, whether it be Chris Christie, Paul Ryan, Marc Rubio, Rob Portman, or Rafalca. I guess, in a way, members of the Colbert Nation just might be the ones to pick Mitt Romney's running mate. I can hardly wait!

Animal rights issues are important to almost everyone, but not to Congressman Steve King of Iowa. We got to hear examples of Congressman Steve King talking about what dogs should and should not do.

We also got to hear Congressman King talk about this possible scenario: A sexual predator impregnates a 13 year-old girl, picks her up at the playground of her middle school, hauls her across state line to have an abortion and brings her back to the swing set. According to him, that's not against the law in the United States of America.

Luckily, Stephen Colbert has people off stage who talk to him during the show. "What? What? I'm being told that all of that is against the law." Stephen then explained situations that illustrate his understanding of what Congressman Steve King said. Stephen has such a way with words.

Stephen's guest was Mark A. Shriver, who talked about his dad Sargent Shriver, and the book he wrote about his dad. "A Good Man, Rediscovering My Father, Sargent Shriver" is the book. Sargent Shriver had quite the resume. Peace Corps, Head Start, Job Corp, VISTA, and Legal Services.

With Pete Seeger on Monday, and Sargent Shriver's son Mark on, it is starting to seem like Liberal Week over at the Colbert Report. But, since Stephen is a Conservative, that just shows that he is fair and willing to listen to both sides.

Wrapping Up

Stephen is back tonight and I will again be posting on my regular schedule.

Here's a real quick wrap-up of what has happened in the past few weeks.

Obama spiked the football. (Think Mission Accomplished and Bin Laden.) Paul Ryan talks about the poor or as Stephen said, "Tough love thy neighbor as thyself. Get your own loaves and fishes." U.S. Catholic Bishops said poppycock* about Paul Ryan's budget. (* Actual word was more descriptive than poppycock.) We got to see the Richard Branson ice cube. Kermit the Frog is in hot water in Germany. Jack White was on the show, and while he was not interviewed, Stephen and Jack did talk extensively before the musical portion of the show.

There you have it. You can get more details about past shows over at Colbert Nation.

Tonight Stephen is going to have Charlize Theron on the show. She plays a queen in an upcoming movie based on a fairy tale, so that should be cute. We'll find out more tonight.

PanderTron 8000

Over the weekend, Newt Gingrich ws on Meet the Press and said some things to David Gregory. But whatever you do, do NOT quote him. Because Newt Gingrich has now said, and I quote, "Any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood." (He said stuff, he's on videotape saying it, but he is calling it a falsehood if he's quoted saying what he said. So, is that clear now?)

Poor Newt. He was somewhat befuddled and confused with the format and questions on Meet the Press with David Gregory. And who can blame him? It was only the 35th time that Newt was on Meet the Press.

So, that's the background for last night's Colbert Report. Stephen was trying, real hard, to sort it all out but he couldn't get the logic to work out and he required some help. He was getting all tongue-tied as evidenced by his statement and I quote: "The more accurate ....... you are about ........ his inaccuracies the more ..... false you become......... I need some help!"

Enter the Pandertron 8000.

In case you didn't know, the Pandertron 8000 is the most sophisticated candidate positioning tracking technology available today. Awesome. However, when Stephen uploaded Newt's statements about Paul Ryan, it "did not compute." (See Lost in Space to read about robots who have trouble with statements that do not compute.)

Pandertron 8000 analyzed but unfortunately came to the conclusion that "True equals False." (Error. Error. Error.) He could not reconcile human contradictions. I can't bear to tell you what happened next. Suffice it to say, Stephen somehow was able to come back after commercial to continue with the show.

If you did not see it, you can catch it later (check local TV listings) or watch it online as always at Colbert Nation.com.

*Note: Robot pictured is not actual Pandertron 8000.