I'm a Ladder, You're a Ladder, Everyone's a Ladder.

Stephen claims to be a huge fan of the comic book genre but he is concerned about an old character getting a face lift. It's Ms.Marvel, or Ms. Marvelle as Ms. Rodriguez says. Stephen, who is often one of a quartet, is concerned that Ms. Marvel is a Shape Shifter. White that may indeed be a great super-hero attribute or talent, it still concerns him. For all we know, that lamp sitting on the dresser could be Ms. Marvel. I too am concerned about Shape Shifters. You never know when you are seeing one. And speaking of comic book fans, when are we going to see some more Tek Jansen? I don't know why I have to keep reminding Stephen of this.

And now something for the youngsters. It's a field trip on the Meet the Trees Foundation bus to visit the forest. Hah, but that was just a ruse to get the kids onto the bus. It's a Toys R (where is my backward R key?) Us ad. That's right, a bunch of kids get on the bus with "Ranger Brad," he starts quizzing them about different kinds of leaves, and then presto-change-o, he's taking them all to a Toys R Us store. The kids go wild, at least some of them do. Stephen pointed out the magic of "having a stranger take your kids on a bus, lie about where they're going, then take off his clothes and promise them toys." (Note to parents: Tell your kids not to get on a bus or in a car with someone who says he will buy them toys/ give them candy/ let them see a puppy.) Stephen gave Toys R Us a Tip of the Hat for reminding us that "Nature Sucks." And Stephen also added that Nature is Boring.

There are two things that bother me about that ad, besides just the creepiness that Stephen was so sharp to pick up on.

One. Remember how there's that joke that on Christmas morning the kids play with the box that the toy came in rather than the shiny, noisy, expensive toy you bought, I mean Santa delivered? Well, pay attention. Maybe, instead of all those electronic toys with bells and whistles, you should be getting simple toys that allow kids to, yes I'm going to say it, use their imagination. Buy them a toy that requires them to run and jump, not a toy that they watch someone else run and jump. And buy them toys that are educationally fun. Good old board games like Monopoly (classic edition that requires them to shake dice and count money), Scrabble, Clue, Battleship (I think that is a favorite of Stephen's) or Candyland for the younger set.

Two. This is the one that really worries me. Have you looked closely at that commercial? Have you looked at those kids? Pay close attention. Here's what "Ranger Brad" said. "Let's play Name That Leaf. What's this one?" (Notice the older girl with long brown hair in the red shirt.) "He says it's an Oak leaf. It's a Field Maple. That's okay." (Notice the young, curly haired kid wearing a blue shirt.) "I'm a big fan of trees, I don't know if you could tell." (Notice the little girl with white shirt and the one in the seat behind that girl who is wearing a pink sweater with a large collar.) "But we're not going to the forest today. We're going to Toys R Us." (And the  young, curly haired kid wearing a blue shirt is back!)

Okay. It is humanly impossible for kids to change seats on a bus that quickly. Ranger Brad was is in mid sentence. I know what's really going on. Those kids, all of them, are Shape Shifters! There is no other explanation.

So a warning to everyone. Buy toys wisely and watch out for Shape Shifters. Of course, I guess I don't know that Shape Shifters are bad actually. In fact now that I think of it, it might be a good thing. Say you're in a toy store and there's a really neat toy you want to buy but it's up on a tall shelf that you can't reach. If there's a little kid in the same aisle, ask if he is a Shape Shifter. If he says yes, ask him to Shape-shift into a tall basketball player and reach that toy for you! Or ask him to Shape-shift into a ladder and just climb up and get the toy yourself.

Stephen's guest last night was Brian Lehrer of Brian Lehrer Show fame. He's on the radio in New York City on WNYC. The two discussed the recent election. There will be a new mayor in New York City, Bill  de Blasio. Both men agreed that the new mayor has cool looking kids. But then they disagreed on other important stuff. Brian Lehrer seemed to think taxing the very rich people just a tiny bit more in order to send four-year-olds to Pre-K was a smart idea. Stephen, who would have to pay more in taxes, wondered about the wisdom of sending kids to school when they can't even read yet. As far as Mayor Bloomberg's legacy, Brian Lehrer said it will be all the good things he did for public health. And it could have been better had it not been for the Lollipop Guild.

And, on a final note, here's the reason I tune in to The Colbert Report. Stephen always has the breaking news before anyone else even knows it fell off the shelf. Stephen alerted us to the fact that the Empire State Building is going to be turned into public housing. I guess I better take that trip to New York City and see the Empire State Building while I can still ride the elevator to the top.

Nothing Motivates Like Cash

Last Thursday found Stephen preparing for Winter Storm Nemo. He had ice melt, he had a shovel, he had a windshield scraper, and of course a beverage to warm body and spirit. With Boston expecting five-foot snowdrifts, Stephen was worried that if New York got the same amount of snow and wind, Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York City, might not be found until the spring thaw!

Stephen also is getting ready for the 2016 elections. Who will be the presidential candidate for the GOP? Will it be Jeb Bush, half of Chris Christie, or even Bobby Jindal after he makes one important wish. But there is one place Stephen told us is the best place to find a candidate - the State Senate.

To start off this search for candidates from State Senates, Stephen highlighted some highlights of Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield. Senator Campfield has a unique understanding of AIDS. One of his bills was a "Don't Say Gay" bill which Stephen proved is effective by reminding us that if we don't talk about something, it goes away. (For instance, Sarah Palin.)

Stacey Campfield has a new Don't Say Gay bill, but this one allows, even compels some to Say Gay. Stephen demonstrated the difference between the old Don't Say Gay bill and the new Don't Say Gay.

Moving on from Tennessee to Ohio, Stephen lamented moochers, those people who get paid to sit around all day. Also paid to sit around all day and complain about moochers, Paul Ryan. He says too many people are dependent on government. Also saying this is Bill O'Reilly. Also saying this is Charles Krauthammer. Unfortunately, we had to listen to Charles Krauthammer say suck on the teats. It was an uncomfortable moment for Stephen.

Just in case you had forgotten all about Stacey Campfield, he has a new solution to the dependency issue. Remember back in the day when your Dad would give you a dollar for every "A" on your report card? Stacey Campfield has a way better idea. If welfare kids don't get good grades, stop feeding them. That's right, cut back on the cash the family receives because "nothing motivates like cash". Stephen agreed that nothing motivates like cash. "And nobody knows that better than a politician."

Stephen had a short segment on relationships. Needless to say, I should be hearing from Stephen in a few days.

For the interview on Thursday, Stephen welcomed Benh Zeitlin. Probably we will hear more about him in coming years. You may know of his film, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and four Oscar nominations. One of the nominations is for young actress Quvenzhane Wallis who played Hushpuppy. Read more about Ben Zeitlin and Beasts of the Southern Wild here.

We found out that animal crackers were a currency on set. (This to deal with motivation perhaps when working with such a young actress.) Stephen commented on the four Oscar nominations and asked if Beasts of the Southern Wild can only win one Oscar, "Which one should it be?"

"Oh, it's gotta be hers."

Stupid, Ignorant, and Mean

You may have heard that Stephen wrote a book. If not, you will surely know if you walk into any bookstore. Stephen's book, "I Am a Pole and So Can You," is #1 on New York Times Best Sellers for the Advice, How To, and Miscellaneous sections. And it is #2 on Publishers Weekly for Hardcover Nonfiction. That means it is not fiction and therefore that means it is all true fact. Stephen compared his book to books written by other pundits. Obviously his book is superior. And by the way Tom Hanks read the book - audio recording - and  proceeds go to usvetsinc.org. So that's pretty cool.

We haven't seen The Word for a while, but it was back tonight. We learned about the standards in Texas, baseball cards, chewing gum and loss of innocence.

Also tonight, in a sad development, Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York wants to ban big glasses of soda - those so-called Giant Sodas. This is particularly distressing to Stephen since he always drinks huge amounts of soda, especially at the movie theater. In fact, he missed the ending of Thelma and Louise because he was taking .... well, you know. Anyway, he missed the ending and will have to catch up with Thelma and Louise in the sequel. Drinkie (Gulp Zilla) made a brief appearance on the show, and Stephen, in accordance with the Mayor's wishes, did what he had to do. Stephen will not be gulping down those giant sodas any more.

Jack Hitt, an author and Peabody winner (just like Stephen) was the guest tonight. He writes a lot of stuff and his latest book is "Bunch of Amateurs: A Search for the American Character." It makes us sound like a bunch of amateurs, but he says that can be a good thing. We just go out and get stuff done. Back in the day, way back, the Europeans thought that the vapors over here in North America made us stupid, ignorant and mean!

Jack Hitt is not as smart as he thinks he is, though. Stephen zings him with a final comment and question.

"You are a professional writer. How good can this book possibly be?"