How Do You Most Often Communication With People?

Last night was one of those nights when there was so much news and commentary on The Colbert Report my head was spinning. It still is.

First off, the First Congressional District in South Carolina. The winner of the GOP Primary there was Mark Sanford. You may remember him as the "Appalachian Hiker with extremely poor sense of direction." Yes, he's the former South Carolina Governor who was unfaithful to his wife and betrayed the public trust by leaving the state, even the country, and going to see his mistress down in Argentina. Stephen compared his good fortune at getting a second chance  in politics to that of Silvio Berlusconi of Italy.

Who else is running to represent the First District? You might know this. Elizabeth Colbert Busch! Stephen's sister! Stephen whipped up a sparkling poster for her which is quite nice. It has all the right colors - red, white, And blue. It has stars on it and symbols from the flag of South Carolina on it, so I'm pretty sure that means she will win.

Stephen was not even going to mention this political race until Morning Joe basically brought it to Stephen. Morning Joe had his good buddy Mark Sanford on for an infomercial and said that Elizabeth Colbert Busch has her own show - The Colbert Report. The love fest was great but then they talked about Mark Sanford's honesty about his lies to the people of South Carolina. Stephen thinks he would have been just as honest if no one had caught him back when he was hiking. My thought was that age old Fortune Cookie saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." I don't know if they ever got around to discussing the trait Mark Sanford seems to be the most proud of, his humility.

Stephen went on to endorse Elizabeth Colbert Busch and to give credit to Morning Joe. It was because of Morning Joe that Stephen was inspired to make such a bold endorsement.

Good friend of the show and proud owner of the complete Petticoat Junction DVD Boxed Set Louie Gohmert had some views on gun control and gay marriage. He also is somewhat of a numbers person, often comparing the number 10 to the number 9 and the number 11. Stephen continued on with the numbers, even dabbling in some basic algebra. You know, If A=B and B=C, then, well something about bees and bacon and then sheep and zoos.

FUN SURVEY

Now comes the fun part of the show. The RNC is going to bond with young people by giving them a survey. It's over at Survey Monkey, the most trusted simian data collection service. Stephen even had a photograph of one of the monkeys who most likely is helping with the survey. The Survey Monkey had on a white lab coat, so that makes it legitimate. You can go over and take the survey. Oops, I take that back. If you are under 30 years of age you can take it. If you are 30 years of age or older, don't go to the survey here at www.surveymonkey.com/s/8PXHD8Y. (update: sadly, survey is closed.)

Lucky for us, Stephen is qualified to take the survey. He had some fave questions, for example, number 36. "Do you think that the Republican Party discriminates against people? If so, which people?" There were many options there, but Stephen pointed out that White People was the only option that the survey refers to as people. (Stephen marked the box for "The Republican Party does NOT discriminate against anyone.")

Stephen's absolute favorite question was number 38. "What is your sexual orientation?" One of the options was "In the closet." Stephen pointed out how smart it is to mark that on a Republican survey. Logically though, you can't mark "In the Closet" because then you would be out of the closet. Stephen really knows his way around all the intricacies of the survey.

I would point out some personal favorites of my own while there is a commercial airing. (It's not airing right now. I'm watching The Colbert Report on TiVo, but if I was watching live, then there would be a commercial now, but never mind.)

#3 is simple. It just asks for your zip code. This is extremely important. Later on, when they figure out what message will make you vote for Republicans, you will get stuff in the mail or hear commercials on the radio in your home town or see TV ads in your marketing area that will reflect what you want to hear. So be sure to fill in your zip code. Don't use 90210 unless you live in Beverly Hills.

#5 is about how you get your political information. I thought there should have been a separate category for "The Colbert Report" but there is a box for television, so I guess that will do.

#6 is great because of the creative use of words. "How do you most often communication with people?"

#14 was tricky for me. I couldn't decide on whether to choose the option with "want support them" or "want to support them." (Good thing they didn't have a question about speaking English. The grammar or spelling or proofreading is a bit shaky on some of these questions.)

#20 is maybe the most important question. It has a box for you to write your answer in. It asks, "What would a Republican have to do or say in order for you to vote for her/him?" This is where #3 about zip code comes in. You write down what a Republican has to say in order for you to vote for him/her. If a lot of people in the same zip code say the same thing, then that is what the Republican will say in that zip code area and voila! you vote for him/her. Good for you/he/she/it!

#22 the nice question. One wonders why there wasn't a nasty option.

#26 the answer is no. The Republican Party does not seem like fun. Only fun. is fun.

#41 you can ignore this unless you live in Washington State. It asks if you voted for Jay Inslee for governor or Rob McKenna. I don't know why they would ask that unless it is because it was such a close election and they think that can somehow help them figure out how to appeal to young folks.

#50 is your chance to say anything you want. (Hey, be nice.) It is optional. Of course the whole survey is optional, especially if you are old. Remember it's just for youngsters. If you can actually remember watching Petticoat Junction on TV, you are too old.

Anyway, that survey link again in case you lost it is www.surveymonkey.com/s/8PXHD8Y.(update: sadly survey is closed.)

A.C. GRAYLING

Stephen's guest last night (and of course by now it is tomorrow so I mean the night before last night) was A.C. Grayling. His latest book is "The God Argument - The Case Against Religion and for Humanism."

Stephen was worried that Humanism is similar to Veganism. You can see how that would be troubling. Stephen admitted, "I am delicious." So, yes he would be worried if the two 'isms are related. But actually, humanism is an attitude about how we live a moral life. As you could expect, Stephen defended religion while A.C. Grayling defended what could be called a more natural form of morality. A.C. Grayling even reached all the say back to Socrates for some moral teachings. Of course, things didn't end well for Socrates.

Isaac to Trump: You're Fired

First off, I want to say what great opening credits those are for this week's "Tampa 2012 - America Strikes Back." Someone should make a movie.

Two things are going on in the country now. The Republican National Convention in Tampa and Hurricane Isaac in the Gulf Coast. Because of one of these events, the other event had to change its course. And since it's pretty hard to make a hurricane change course, you have probably figured out that its the Republican Convention that changed course. Well, changed its schedule, so almost the same thing. As a result, Donald "The Donald" Trump did not get to give his speech. Here was about the only platform where Donald Trump would be able to share his views and he lost out on that chance. When will we ever get to hear him talk again? I just don't know.

Other speakers have canceled in order to go back to their states and be there for the hurricane: Governors Rick Scott of Florida, Robert Bentley of Alabama and Phil Bryant of Mississippi. That's okay, there are plenty of other people at the Convention. Chris Christie will give the keynote speech, Paul Ryan will accept the Vice Presidential nomination and Marco Rubio is Hispanic. Time permitting, Mitt Romney will speak.

The most important thing happening at the Convention isn't happening in Tampa. It is happening online, on the Internet over at Colbert Nation. Stephen mentioned that Tampa is known for its strip bars and they are expecting to do a brisk business form delegates. Therefore security is tight. Everyone should have a security pass and so everyone should go here to get their Tampa 2012: America Strikes Back All-Access Pass. Even if you choose not to get one, you should at least go look at the choices on the form. You will find out a lot about yourself just by the choices you make.

You will need to fill in the usual things, your name, your sexuality, your most urgent lower taxes priority, your home state, your summer home state, your ski home state and your tax haven country. Also you will be asked to vote for your favorite Repetitive Republican.

You may remember that Todd Akin made waves last week with his statements that reflected his knowledge of how the female body works. Stephen tried to clear up all the confusion with his Hoo-Ha Lady Zone 5000. He was able to lay it all out for us to show the workings of the female reproductive system, including the dragon that guards the entrance. Good. Now we know. If you need any more info, just stop by any strip joint.

Stephen also talked briefly about Rep. Steve King, Congressman from Iowa, (not to be confused with Stephen King who talks about and writes about scary stuff). Rep. King defended Akin and Stephen shared videos of Rep. King being so fair and balanced that he will say one thing and then say the opposite. I think he's supporting both sides of an issue. Stephen Colbert just thinks Rep. King can't hear what comes out of his mouth.

The guest was Andrew Sullivan, political conservative and Editor of The Dish over at The Daily Beast. He claims to be a conservative. Yet he supports Barack Obama for President, even more so than he did when Barack Obama first ran in 2008. But that's just because the other party has gotten nutsier than they were the last time around. This was indeed an interesting discussion by two conservatives, talking about the upcoming presidential election.

I'm pretty sure we will hear more in the coming days about this election. It's just a feeling I have.

Out-of-Studio Experiences

As I expected, it is repeats this week. Mark Shriver, Woody Harrelson, The Flaming Lips and fun. are on tap for this week. I know this not because I'm some "The Colbert Report" insider, but because I check out Colbert Nation on a regular basis. You can go there, scroll down a bit and see Upcoming Guests. While the repeats may be a disappointment to some people, the obvious explanation is right under the photo of "fun. (Repeat)." It says "Out-of-Studio Experiences." Occasionally, Stephen needs to leave the studio to cover the big stories. Remember when he went to Vancouver? Remember all the coverage of Curiosity landing on Mars? Well, Stephen has to go cover the story, no matter where that leads him. I'm not sure where he is now, but I do know that Jon Stewart is heading to Tampa Bay so I expect Stephen Colbert will probably hop on a plane or a bus or a motorcycle and make his way there also.

Any why? you might ask. Go ahead, ask. Because the GOP is going there for the RNC. That's right, the Grand Old Party is going to the Republican National Convention. Everyone will be there, including about 15,000 credentialed media. That most certainly should include Stephen Colbert. What would a political convention be like without him? (Bor-ing)

So watch repeats this week in anticipation of the greatest conservative in the country wowing us next week with his coverage of all things Republican. I can hardly wait.

A Pew Research Study revealed that Asians are now the fastest growing race in the United States or as Stephen says, Asians are the new Mexicans. And so, the RNC  tried to court Latino voters, but ended up kind of messing up. Stephen decided a new Super Awesome Wall in China, you know some kind of Great Wall, would solve this problem.

Stephen had Thought for Food with Doritos Tacos and Flavorlopes You probably can guess what Doritos Tacos are, but Flavorlopes? Well, it's a clever way to get Americans to get their daily supply of fruits. It's fruit flavored glue on envelopes. Why wasn't this done sooner?

Daniel Klaidman joined Stephen tonight to talk about his book, "Kill or Capture: The War on Terror and the Soul of the Obama Presidency."

Looking forward. Tonight's guest is Lawrence Krauss, author of "A Universe from Nothing: Why There is Something Rather than Nothing."

I've been wondering for a long time now. Where have all the short titles gone? Why can't we have books with titles like Moby Dick or Dracula? I'm just saying.