How Do You Most Often Communication With People?

Last night was one of those nights when there was so much news and commentary on The Colbert Report my head was spinning. It still is.

First off, the First Congressional District in South Carolina. The winner of the GOP Primary there was Mark Sanford. You may remember him as the "Appalachian Hiker with extremely poor sense of direction." Yes, he's the former South Carolina Governor who was unfaithful to his wife and betrayed the public trust by leaving the state, even the country, and going to see his mistress down in Argentina. Stephen compared his good fortune at getting a second chance  in politics to that of Silvio Berlusconi of Italy.

Who else is running to represent the First District? You might know this. Elizabeth Colbert Busch! Stephen's sister! Stephen whipped up a sparkling poster for her which is quite nice. It has all the right colors - red, white, And blue. It has stars on it and symbols from the flag of South Carolina on it, so I'm pretty sure that means she will win.

Stephen was not even going to mention this political race until Morning Joe basically brought it to Stephen. Morning Joe had his good buddy Mark Sanford on for an infomercial and said that Elizabeth Colbert Busch has her own show - The Colbert Report. The love fest was great but then they talked about Mark Sanford's honesty about his lies to the people of South Carolina. Stephen thinks he would have been just as honest if no one had caught him back when he was hiking. My thought was that age old Fortune Cookie saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." I don't know if they ever got around to discussing the trait Mark Sanford seems to be the most proud of, his humility.

Stephen went on to endorse Elizabeth Colbert Busch and to give credit to Morning Joe. It was because of Morning Joe that Stephen was inspired to make such a bold endorsement.

Good friend of the show and proud owner of the complete Petticoat Junction DVD Boxed Set Louie Gohmert had some views on gun control and gay marriage. He also is somewhat of a numbers person, often comparing the number 10 to the number 9 and the number 11. Stephen continued on with the numbers, even dabbling in some basic algebra. You know, If A=B and B=C, then, well something about bees and bacon and then sheep and zoos.

FUN SURVEY

Now comes the fun part of the show. The RNC is going to bond with young people by giving them a survey. It's over at Survey Monkey, the most trusted simian data collection service. Stephen even had a photograph of one of the monkeys who most likely is helping with the survey. The Survey Monkey had on a white lab coat, so that makes it legitimate. You can go over and take the survey. Oops, I take that back. If you are under 30 years of age you can take it. If you are 30 years of age or older, don't go to the survey here at www.surveymonkey.com/s/8PXHD8Y. (update: sadly, survey is closed.)

Lucky for us, Stephen is qualified to take the survey. He had some fave questions, for example, number 36. "Do you think that the Republican Party discriminates against people? If so, which people?" There were many options there, but Stephen pointed out that White People was the only option that the survey refers to as people. (Stephen marked the box for "The Republican Party does NOT discriminate against anyone.")

Stephen's absolute favorite question was number 38. "What is your sexual orientation?" One of the options was "In the closet." Stephen pointed out how smart it is to mark that on a Republican survey. Logically though, you can't mark "In the Closet" because then you would be out of the closet. Stephen really knows his way around all the intricacies of the survey.

I would point out some personal favorites of my own while there is a commercial airing. (It's not airing right now. I'm watching The Colbert Report on TiVo, but if I was watching live, then there would be a commercial now, but never mind.)

#3 is simple. It just asks for your zip code. This is extremely important. Later on, when they figure out what message will make you vote for Republicans, you will get stuff in the mail or hear commercials on the radio in your home town or see TV ads in your marketing area that will reflect what you want to hear. So be sure to fill in your zip code. Don't use 90210 unless you live in Beverly Hills.

#5 is about how you get your political information. I thought there should have been a separate category for "The Colbert Report" but there is a box for television, so I guess that will do.

#6 is great because of the creative use of words. "How do you most often communication with people?"

#14 was tricky for me. I couldn't decide on whether to choose the option with "want support them" or "want to support them." (Good thing they didn't have a question about speaking English. The grammar or spelling or proofreading is a bit shaky on some of these questions.)

#20 is maybe the most important question. It has a box for you to write your answer in. It asks, "What would a Republican have to do or say in order for you to vote for her/him?" This is where #3 about zip code comes in. You write down what a Republican has to say in order for you to vote for him/her. If a lot of people in the same zip code say the same thing, then that is what the Republican will say in that zip code area and voila! you vote for him/her. Good for you/he/she/it!

#22 the nice question. One wonders why there wasn't a nasty option.

#26 the answer is no. The Republican Party does not seem like fun. Only fun. is fun.

#41 you can ignore this unless you live in Washington State. It asks if you voted for Jay Inslee for governor or Rob McKenna. I don't know why they would ask that unless it is because it was such a close election and they think that can somehow help them figure out how to appeal to young folks.

#50 is your chance to say anything you want. (Hey, be nice.) It is optional. Of course the whole survey is optional, especially if you are old. Remember it's just for youngsters. If you can actually remember watching Petticoat Junction on TV, you are too old.

Anyway, that survey link again in case you lost it is www.surveymonkey.com/s/8PXHD8Y.(update: sadly survey is closed.)

A.C. GRAYLING

Stephen's guest last night (and of course by now it is tomorrow so I mean the night before last night) was A.C. Grayling. His latest book is "The God Argument - The Case Against Religion and for Humanism."

Stephen was worried that Humanism is similar to Veganism. You can see how that would be troubling. Stephen admitted, "I am delicious." So, yes he would be worried if the two 'isms are related. But actually, humanism is an attitude about how we live a moral life. As you could expect, Stephen defended religion while A.C. Grayling defended what could be called a more natural form of morality. A.C. Grayling even reached all the say back to Socrates for some moral teachings. Of course, things didn't end well for Socrates.

Look What He's Done

Stephen was disappointed, or rather should I say outraged, that at the VMA the band fun. was beaten by the boy band One Direction.

"Boo.  Boooo."

Stephen expressed his opinion. He talked about the illogical premise of the song, "You Don't Know You're Beautiful." That's what makes you beautiful??? But they just told her and so now she knows it therefore she's no longer beautiful so obviously then she wouldn't know she's beautiful. Well, Stephen just calls it Mobius Pop and moves on to more important stuff. Oh, and in protest, I'm only posting a link to fun. and not a link to One Direction. Hope this helps Stephen feel better.

Night Three of the Omabathon featured Barack Obama giving his speech. I got the impression that Barack Obama was so good that Stephen was impressed! However, one of the claims that Barack Obama made was exactly what Republicans have been working so hard these last four years (not exactly four years, but close enough) to disprove: "I'm the President."

Stephen put it all on the line and bet that we will never hear Mitt Romney say those words.

Liberal pie in the sky ideas showed through in the speech, ideas such as auto workers should be able to afford to buy an auto, Boeing workers should be able to afford a 747 and McDonald's cashiers should be able to afford a burger. (Fantasy World!)

The Conventions are over now. What have we learned? Hispanics are worth their weight in gold. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are as different as black and white. We haven't had such a clear choice since Crystal Pepsi which Stephen said is as current as the Republican Platform.

Even with the differences, though, the candidates did agree on some things. They agreed this is a great nation. They agreed the future is important. The agreed we need jobs. And they both blessed these United States of America. Republicans frowned and said that our country needed help and look what Obama did while the Democrats turned that frown upside down and said that our country needed help and look what Obama did. (If you want to see what he did, check it out here.)

In a surprise development, Stephen was forced to shut down the famous "The Colbert Bump." As you may have noticed, this week is repeat week. So, tonight is this very episode that you are reading about here! You can see Stephen shut down the Bump; if you can handle it, that is.

The guest was (and will be yet again tonight) Ed Rendell, former Governor of Pennsylvania. He talked about his recent book, "A Nation of Wusses - How America's Leaders Lost the Guts to Make Us Great." Stephen and Ed Rendell talked about Democrats. "We believe one thing we should do is take care of each other and our most vulnerable citizens." The crowd applauded when Ed Rendell said that. Stephen countered with, "Obama threw around 'citizenship' like it has responsibilities." Ed agreed. It is as if Obama was saying not only am I a citizen, but this is what citizenship means and the Republicans aren't doing those citizenship things. Obviously, Stephen did not like those types of comments by the President.

Ed also talked about the little guy that Republicans are afraid to stand up to, the one that no one voted for, who, like a modern day Wizard of Oz, pulls the strings and levers. Now, I'm not going to say Grover Norquist's name here, so you'll just have to figure out who Ed was talking about.

Stephen reminded his audience not to be wusses.

Four More Pegs Before We Sink

Well, now I just feel foolish. I had assumed the USS Intrepid would be on The Colbert Report. Apparently, The Colbert Report was on the USS Intrepid. I really misunderstood that whole situation. I will have to pay closer attention to what Stephen says from now on.

So, Stephen dressed up in his finest Admiral uniform for the Stephest Colbchella '012 Rocktaugustfest aboard the USS Intrepid on the Hudson River in New York and enjoyed a refreshing sip from his excited bottle of Pepsi. His second in command was there, Grandmaster Flash and what looked like a deck full of eager young fans. Wouldn't you just know it. As soon as the fun started, Jon Stewart interrupted so that he and Stephen could continue with their game of Battleship. Jon scored a hit on Stephen which is a little bit disconcerting if you are on the actual battleship at the time.

Surprising to me and maybe everyone else was the fact that Stephen at the helm waved up at Stephen on the bridge. How can he be in two places at once? And yet, there he was, up on the bridge, which was made up to be an exact replica of The Colbert Report studio.

Mitt Romney made an important announcement on Saturday morning. It looked like he was on the USS Intrepid, but, probably just another boat. Anyway, he announced that Paul Ryan would be the next president of the United States. This was a great relief to Stephen. He could relax knowing all the hoopla about Mitt Romney for President was just that, hoopla. Drat. It was a mistake by Romney. He meant to announce that Paul Ryan would be the next Vice President of the United States. Oh, well. At least it was a bold choice of another white, Christian, male candidate.

The guest tonight was Fun. I know what you are thinking, every guest is fun. But tonight, it was Fun. not fun! Either you know or you don't. Stephen ran all through the ship to get to them. Eventually he caught up to the three guys on a bunk bed. Tired by all his running, Stephen reclined in the bottom bunk and conducted the interview from there.

Sometimes interview questions are boring, but not so with Fun. Stephen asked great questions. And then he asked more questions. After a quick commercial break, more fun with Fun. They performed "Some Nights" for the whole shipload of fans.

For bonus songs go to Colbert Nation. Some lucky fans were in the right place at the right time and got to see just what a T Mobile "good-night" looks like.