Nothing Motivates Like Cash

Last Thursday found Stephen preparing for Winter Storm Nemo. He had ice melt, he had a shovel, he had a windshield scraper, and of course a beverage to warm body and spirit. With Boston expecting five-foot snowdrifts, Stephen was worried that if New York got the same amount of snow and wind, Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York City, might not be found until the spring thaw!

Stephen also is getting ready for the 2016 elections. Who will be the presidential candidate for the GOP? Will it be Jeb Bush, half of Chris Christie, or even Bobby Jindal after he makes one important wish. But there is one place Stephen told us is the best place to find a candidate - the State Senate.

To start off this search for candidates from State Senates, Stephen highlighted some highlights of Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield. Senator Campfield has a unique understanding of AIDS. One of his bills was a "Don't Say Gay" bill which Stephen proved is effective by reminding us that if we don't talk about something, it goes away. (For instance, Sarah Palin.)

Stacey Campfield has a new Don't Say Gay bill, but this one allows, even compels some to Say Gay. Stephen demonstrated the difference between the old Don't Say Gay bill and the new Don't Say Gay.

Moving on from Tennessee to Ohio, Stephen lamented moochers, those people who get paid to sit around all day. Also paid to sit around all day and complain about moochers, Paul Ryan. He says too many people are dependent on government. Also saying this is Bill O'Reilly. Also saying this is Charles Krauthammer. Unfortunately, we had to listen to Charles Krauthammer say suck on the teats. It was an uncomfortable moment for Stephen.

Just in case you had forgotten all about Stacey Campfield, he has a new solution to the dependency issue. Remember back in the day when your Dad would give you a dollar for every "A" on your report card? Stacey Campfield has a way better idea. If welfare kids don't get good grades, stop feeding them. That's right, cut back on the cash the family receives because "nothing motivates like cash". Stephen agreed that nothing motivates like cash. "And nobody knows that better than a politician."

Stephen had a short segment on relationships. Needless to say, I should be hearing from Stephen in a few days.

For the interview on Thursday, Stephen welcomed Benh Zeitlin. Probably we will hear more about him in coming years. You may know of his film, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and four Oscar nominations. One of the nominations is for young actress Quvenzhane Wallis who played Hushpuppy. Read more about Ben Zeitlin and Beasts of the Southern Wild here.

We found out that animal crackers were a currency on set. (This to deal with motivation perhaps when working with such a young actress.) Stephen commented on the four Oscar nominations and asked if Beasts of the Southern Wild can only win one Oscar, "Which one should it be?"

"Oh, it's gotta be hers."

I Already Had This Finger Up

We learned, thanks to Stephen interpreting what Rush Limbaugh said, that
1. Obama can make or is a hurricane.
2. He can predict the weather months in advance.
3. Actually, there wasn't a third point, but Stephen already had that finger up, so....

Charles Krauthammer knows that you can predict the weather months in advance. My question is, why won't the TV weather guys tell us? Is it some sort of secret that only Krauthammer is allowed to know? It would be so much easier to. Wait a minute. If he said the Democrats would have known in advance that it would rain and Obama wouldn't be able to have his speech outside in a huge stadium, then why didn't the Republicans know in advance that a hurricane was coming? Everyone needs to get on the same page and start using some sort of advanced weather reporting system.

Stephen highlighted three more famous Americans. One was Bill Clinton who gave a great speech at the Convention. Another was John McCain who said, "The fundamentals of our economy are strong." I did not catch the name of the third guy, but he said, "Roads - Where we're going we don't need roads."

Stephen loves profiling Hispanics, so he had Bill Richardson on as the guest. Stephen asked if the energy and enthusiasm at the Democratic National Convention was actually as overwhelming as it seemed on TV. Bill Richards told him, "Yep. It was." Apparently there was dramatic drama at the Democratic National Convention. The two men then enjoyed some food from Taco Bell in a sincere effort by Stephen on Hispanic outreach. This was important to Stephen because Mitt Romney will ask all of them to make a run for the border.

In a bit of a sensitivity lesson, we found out that Hispanic or Latino is equally appropriate to use when referring to Bill Richardson, but Stephen's suggestion of Sombrero Bro, not so much.

Mom-in-Chief

Down in Charlotte, North Carolina, the Democratic National Convention is still in full swing. Stephen objected to the constant noise in the background that seems to have no explanation. What is really strange about this noise is that it seems to be loudest at the same time as all those convention signs are waving back and forth, signs such as "Michelle," "Forward," and "Stephen Colbert." har har har. I made up that last one.

We did get an explanation when Stephen played a video clip of Brit Hume. He said, and I assume he has his facts all checked out on this, that the Democrats had the sound turned way up and so that's why the roar of the greasepaint, oops, roar of the crowd was so loud.

By the way, did you know that you can read the transcript of Michelle Obama's Convention Speech over at NPR? Well you can. And you can also listen to Michelle Obama's Convention Speech at the same link. It's 25 minutes and 6 seconds long, so you can read it or listen to it while waiting for your pizza to be delivered.

Everyone agreed the speech was great and when she said that her most important job was Mom-in-Chief, it brought out the crocodile tears in Stephen. I can understand why it would bring Stephen to tears. Even Charles Krauthammer thought the speech was brilliant.

 We also got to see Tammy Duckworth, Congressional candidate, giving a speech about her background, her family, her military service, and the heroism of her crew in Iraq. And yes, I found the text of her speech also. You can read that over at Huffington Post.

What seems to be grabbing attention with some of the media is the number of Twitter Tweets going on during the Conventions. Michelle Obama seems to be winning. What does it all mean? Stephen explains. He used the Internet Numbo-Tron 3000 to help explain  numbers, e.g., 5, 9, 14, and 3. He can't explain what any of the numbers mean, but he feels compelled to report on these numbers to his audience. Tonight's big number? It was 11,394.5. Holy Cow! That's a decimal. Stephen will keep us updated on this especially if he has time to fill. Of course, Stephen was making a point, but then he couldn't explain the point, so it was sort of pointless.

During the Sport Report, Stephen told us that the football referees are in a labor dispute with owners. One problem is over benefits such as vision coverage. Stephen offered to share his eyeglasses with the professional referees. This should settle the problem.

The guest was Michael Grunwald talking about his latest book, "The New New Deal, The Hidden Story of Change in the Obama Era." The book is a New York Times Bestseller, so that, plus the fact that he is on The Colbert Report, probably means that you may want to read this book.It was a very lively discussion. I could hardly keep up and neither could Michael Grunwald. I'm not one to tell tales, but Stephen barely let the guy talk. Where's a referee when you need one?