A Pile of Lunch Meat Chose the White Bread

Stephen is back from vacationing in the Cayman Islands with his money and was sad that he didn't get to cover the crowning of  a new Pope. (Note: Pope Francis was not crowned and seems unlikely to want riches of that sort.) Actually, Stephen wanted to cover the naming of a new Pope. It is as important as the Superbowl but without so many "Thank-you Jesus thanks prayers." Stephen did has some coverage about the new Pope and showed Fox News with the safe analysis of the smoke. "It's gray." Can't go wrong with that.

Stephen told us about a book based on a movie based on the Bible. It was very confusing. It seems like it will be a big ratings winner and isn't that what the Bible is all about?

The really big news that everyone is talking about is the renaming of the Conference Room over at The Campaign Legal Center. The president is Trevor Potter. That name should be familiar to you. If not, read more here and also here. Or you can just read posts here about Trevor Potter. Anyway, the Conference Room was renamed in honor of Ham Rove. I would just love to have my next committee meeting in "THE HAM ROVE MEMORIAL CONFERENCE ROOM." It is such a fitting tribute to Ham Rove and also to Karl Rove who was the mentor for Ham Rove. Now admittedly there could be some confusion for a small minority of people about the difference between the mentor and the mentee. So, before you enjoy your Easter dinner, first ask, "Did you ever put anti-gay marriage legislation in swing states to tip the scales in the 2004 Presidential Election?" If it answers Yes or if it answers anything at all, best not to eat that Ham. It could be Karl Rove.

Stephen extended an invitation for Karl Rove to join him this Sunday for an Easter Feast.

Stephen's guest last night was Junot Diaz. He has a very impressive set of credentials, but Stephen, being a humble man, was not impressed. Among other things, he teaches Writing at MIT. And he is on the Board of Freedom University. Freedom University is dedicated to teaching undocumented immigrants. Junot Diaz had an interesting comparison. Think about Superman. He arrived here from Krypton through no plans of his own and yet we accepted him. Think about all the positive things Superman accomplished here! Right. So it just makes sense to me that we should be doing more to help these other immigrants achieve all that they can. Stephen raised many pertinent questions which Junot Diaz answered well and yet not to Stephen's liking. They discussed the Eternal Question of what language is spoken on Krypton. I must admit that I do not know the answer to that question.

As important as this University seems to be to Junot Diaz and as committed as he seems to be to the University, he admitted that there is no official sweatshirt for the school. Stephen was ready to help him out. He brought out a sweatshirt, a nice grey hoodie, with red letters that say "Freedom University - Established 2011" on it. Junot Diaz was overwhelmed with joy. "This is great!" Actually, it just had the initials for Freedom University on it, but you get the idea.

Hello... Hello... How Does This Thing Make Toast?

I'm going to start right out by saying last night's audience was a rowdy crowd. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. They just were so thrilled to be there that they couldn't contain their enthusiasm. So, they get a bonus "The Colbert Bump" for their contribution to making last night's show a success.

We saw in the previous show that Stephen, a devout Catholic, was nevertheless willing to put religion under the microscope. Last night, as a devout Conservative, he did the same thing by talking about the GOP and their need to do an autopsy on the GOP Party after the dismal success in the most recent election.

 Recently, some members of the GOP held a retreat in Williamsburg, Virginia to think about themselves and to learn how to be happy. Stephen even demonstrated this new philosophy by smiling into the camera and saying, "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that down."

We also learned from Stephen that you can make an anagram from Reince Priebus. I even saw it today under a photo of Reince Priebus on one of the news shows today on TV. I forget which one. Only thing is, they didn't have the same anagram as Stephen showed us. They only had Rice-a-Roni. No matter. I don't think Stephen actually had the correct anagram anyway.

Also on tap for the Republicans is to turn on Karl Rove. That's right. Rove is bad-mouthing the Tea Party and so the Republicans are bad-mouthing Karl Rove. Stephen called him the manatee with the planatee. It is almost becoming a Civil War within the Republican Party. Surely they are not forgetting what Ronald Reagan said was the 11th Commandment. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

This is all still developing, but Stephen simply reminded the GOP that they need to keep smiling.

You may have heard that Steven Seagal is training volunteers to patrol schools in Arizona. He has put hundreds of thousands, if not millions of hours into weapons training. (Stephen Colbert pointed out that millions of hours is in the 115 year range!) The interesting thing about the volunteers is that some of them have experience with police. Because they have arrests for drug possession, domestic violence, sex crimes against children, disorderly conduct, impersonating an officer, and on and on. Stephen's solution is to have one volunteer posse guard the other volunteer posse.

Roger Hodge was the guest on the show last night. He is the editor of the Oxford American.  That is like the New Yorker of the South. The two men talked a lot about southern traditions. Stephen admitted that there's beautiful literature from the South, which he has never read. I'm sure he was joking about that. I hope he was joking about that.

The interview ended with a "Happy Mardi Gras" greeting to Stephen at which point Stephen responded appropriately with a request to Roger Hodge.

The Black Keys

I noticed last night that Stephen seems to be using one of his own "The Colbert Report: Logo Light Up Pen" on the show. Go on over to Colbert Nation to buy one for yourself.

Back to the important stuff. Iran seems to have captured on of our drones and it seems like Stephen Colbert is just the person to get it back for us. He presented a very convincing argument.

Donald Trump will host the next (and probably not the last) Republican debate on December 27. Then he will let the whole world know who he endorses.I can hardly wait. Many people have weighed in with their response to this news from The Donald.

Ari Fleischer: "invitation to a circus"

Karl Rove: "I think the Republican National Chairman ought to step in and say we strongly discourage every candidate from appearing."

Mark McKinnon: "this Trump debate is proof the inmates have taken over the asylum"

Apparently, however, Mitt Romney is not going to attend the debate. I wonder if that will make it harder for him to get the "The Donald Endorsement."

In response to all of this, Stephen Colbert is planning the South Carolina Serious, Classy Republican Debate. It will be sometime in January on the Animal Planet.

The Black Keys were on tonight. They are much quieter and more reserved when they are talking than when they are singing. Go to Colbert Nation to watch last night's show and hear them. Also, there's a bonus song on the web, so always a good reason to go to Colbert Nation.

Governor Tinkerbell

You probably know her as Governor Sarah Palin. Or, since she did not finish out her full term as Governor, perhaps it would be spelled Governo. As you may know she was running around the country while others were running for president. She had that big bus and kept showing up where other candidates had debates or announcements. But to make a long story not quite as long,

Governo Palin was recently on the radio with Mark Levin. Here's what he had to say:

"I've just received a statement from Governor Palin ... this is breaking news and she writes, 'After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. Thank you again for all your support. God bless America, Sarah Palin.' Governor Sarah Palin, how are you my friend?"

And Sarah Palin replies, "How are you , great one? I'm feeling just fine."

What a disappointment, especially for the people who replied to this letter by sending cash:

"Someone must save our nation from this road to European Socialism. Do you think it should be Governor Palin? If so, you can send your best one-time gift to SarahPAC today to ... show her that we support her if she decides to run."

Yes, disappointed, and yet, it never suggests that she would run. It never says the money would be used for getting out her message to the masses. It says a one-time gift, so it's kind of like she is having a birthday party and wants you to come and bring a present, but forget the part about going to a party and just send the presents.

Stephen apologized to Ham Rove and had a nice tribute to Steve Jobs. Any time that Stephen would beg for an iPhone or iPad, he would always get what he wanted. The guest tonight was Jason Amerine, Lieutenant Colonel, Special Forces. He was one of the first to go into Afghanistan 10 years ago.

It would be worth your time to go over to Colbert Nation and watch the show there to see the apology, the tribute and the interview.

Sorry Technical Difficulties

Stephen has his Super PAC and that's great. He has been displaying the names of his donors across the bottom of the TV screen and we appreciate that.

But something was missing for Stephen. He wanted secrecy. So, friend of the show Trevor Potter showed up again with all the paperwork complete so that Stephen could get his very own 501(c)(4).

Stephen is the sole director of the corporation and therefore he had the power to elect himself president, secretary and treasurer. And he did so.

He can take in money and no one need know who it came from. Why, in 2011, Karl Rove's American Crossroads took in 90% of its money from just three billionaires!

So, Stephen can take in unlimited money and no one will know where it came from. And in a really sweet deal, he can take that transparent money from his Super PAC and give it to this 501(c)(4). So while the Super PAC is all out in the open, the 501(c)(4) can hide away in the shadows.

He can donate money to political causes or candidates as long as that's not his main objective. Oh, yeah, it's about education, yep, that's what the purpose of his 501(c)(4) is all about.

To get him started, Kevin Kline was on to host The Donating Game.

And now for something completely different:

Stephen had as his guest Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Since he is a billionaire, Stephen asked him what he would like to donate money for but wouldn't want anyone to know he was doing it. Unfortunately, just as Mark was answering, the screen went to a "Sorry, Technical Difficulties" graphic. So, we'll never know.

Turtles Don't Like Peanut Butter

Colbert Super PAC has got more than 10,000 heroes. And tonight, Stephen added two more heroes, Charlie, 10 and Grace, 8, to the Hero Crawl at the bottom of the screen. They sent him $13 to help with freedom or liberty or freeberty. Stephen needs to decide what he's going to do with his Super PAC. And he is confused, so he had friend of the show, Karl "Ham" Rove on for advice. But, you know what, he's shy.

Therefore Matthew Dowd, ABC News Political Analyst and Chief Strategist for George W. Bush's Re-election Campaign showed up to offer Stephen some good advice. Stephen's Super PAC needs to stand for something. Well that's going to be kind of tricky. What should it stand for? Luckily, you can tell Stephen. If you have signed up for the Colbert SuperPAC, like I have, then you should be getting an email from Stephen tonight. If not, go to Colbert Super PAC and click on the link "I Stand For" and let Stephen know what you stand for.





What should he spend the money on? Issues, Candidates, Negativity? Well, that was a little worrisome. However, Stephen did say this, whether that means he supports negativity or positivity, he did repeat this from his mother: "If you don't have anything nice to say, you better back it up with a lot of money."

Guess where Stephen should start running ads. Here's some hints.

1. It's a state.
2. It's one of the smaller states.
3. You only need four letters to spell this state.
4. There are more vowels than consonants in the name.
5. It rhymes with Pie-ow-a.

And as far as those turtles who don't like peanut butter, well while Stephen is getting used to having the power of this Super PAC, he just kind of blurts things out as if they are words of wisdom. Most recently, he blurted "Turtles Don't Like Peanut Butter" and then put it on a T-shirt and then, well what's next? Not even Stephen knows for sure, but he thinks he will be selling all those T-shirts on the website.

For all the political whiz kids out there, showing up as Stephen's interview guest tonight was former Louisiana Governor and Herman Cain look-alike, Buddy Roemer. He's running for president but he's not walking into Iowa, at least not for the big shindig. It takes $15,000 to get a booth at the GOP carnival that will soon be in Iowa, plus probably a whole lot more money to buy trinkets for Iowans in hopes that they will remember how much they like the trinkets. I hope I have all that right. Buddy did not elaborate, so I'm just kind of piecing together what lots of different people have said.

So, to summarize:
Turtles, ham, stand, Dowd, Roemer. If you don't have time to read the whole post, you can skip down to this paragraph and get the condensed version of tonight's The Colbert Report.

* * * Update March 30, 2012. For more information about Stephen's Super PAC and information on how to get a Turtles Don't Like Peanut Butter t-shirt plus lots of other neat stuff, read about the Texans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow Super PAC.

Building a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Well of course tonight Stephen talked about the news that neither Mike Huckabee nor The Donald (Donald Trump not Donald Pellview) is running for GOP nomination for president. Chris Matthews put it this way,"Trump, bump, hump, dump.

But the big news is Stephen Colbert! He did go to the FEC (Federal Election Commission) on his birthday - May 13. He was there in Washington D.C. to drop off his request for a SuperPAC. He spoke briefly on the steps of FEC and reminded people that he was standing on the same spot where George Washington stood 250 years ago to get his permission way back then to form a SuperPac.

He compared it to standing at an American Crossroads, not to be confused with Karl Rove's American Crossroads. ( If that link doesn't work, try here or here. I've been having trouble getting that link to work right, so be patient.)

The crowd, and it was crowded, chanted that famous of famous mottoes with him: Building a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow. And while there may be cynics that will claim Tomorrow never comes, thanks to his lawyer, Trevor Potter, Tomorrow just got one day closer.

A while back, a young man gave Stephen $10 so that Stephen could accomplish what was on a list that the man also gave Stephen. That man was Ben Donaldsonson and Stephen lost the list. But it inspired Stephen to do the right thing and for $1, people could shake Stephen's hand. The response was overwhelming and Stephen had to start putting the dollar bills in his mouth. (Does he know where that money has been? Take it from me, you don't want to know.)

Stephen collected a whopping grand total of $31. That is, for lack of another word, impressive. Truly Stephen Colbert is willing to put his money where his mouth is.

Unfortunately, the FEC has 60 days to make its ruling. That's a long time to wait. Let's hope we get the decision sooner.

Moving on, tonight's guest was Alison Klayman talking about her documentary "Ai Weiwei, Never Sorry" which is about Chinese artist Ai Weiwei. You probably know the Birdnest that was built for the Olympics in China. He helped design the Birdnest. You can read a lot of information about Ai Weiwei at Wikipedia. You should go take a look. He has really neat art stuff and it's a very interesting story.

The Circle of Meat

Last night Stephen Colbert had Karl Rove on the show. Rove actually did not say very much, but Stephen did showcase Karl Rove's book, "Courage and Consequence". It would have been interesting to have heard some comments from Rove, but maybe another time he will be more talkative.

Finally, at long last, the results from The Colbert Repoll were revealed. I confess that I did go to Colbert Nation and I did take the poll. The first question was quite easy and I think I had it right. After that, the questions got more tricky and took a little bit more analysis. The last question I know I had right because I was in with the majority and therefore that had to have been the correct answer.

Author David Aaronovitch was the guest last night. The fact that Aaronovitch and his book, "Voodoo Histories - The Role of the Conspiracy Theory in Shaping Modern History" were on the same Colbert Report as Karl Rove is purely coincidental, or is it?