Colb-Air

After a quick shout-out to his viewers in Italy, Stephen got right to the important stuff - the rich, the really, really, rich. You need more than a billion dollars to belong to that club. I missed it by this much. Darn.

You know how it works when Stephen gets into one of his rich moods, those of us who are "poor" have to leave the room while he airs his Colbert Platinum segment. It's for Platinum Members Only.

Here's a confession. I stayed in the room for Colbert Platinum. I felt that it was important for me to do that, otherwise, how would I know when it was okay to come back in the room and watch the rest of the show? Even if Stephen would tell us it was okay to come back, we can't hear him because we're not in the room!

So, if you are rich, do you act rich? You might be drinking sinfully expensive liquor. However, are you using ice cubes made from tap water? Or Poverty Punch as Stephen calls tap water. You don't have to. The fine folks at Dean & Deluca have just the thing. Glace Luxury Ice. It sells for a mere $75 for ten cubes. Except that they aren't even cubes, they're 2.5 inch spheres, carved from a 300 pound block of ice. I wonder. Do they carve one sphere from each block of ice, or do they get a few more than that? To know that, I would need to ask the sculptor whose techniques inspired these ice delights - Eis Kub-Trei. (He's one of my favorite sculptors.) Luckily, for these ten spheres of ice that cost $75, there is zero-taste profile. That is tasteless, according to Stephen, because you know what you will be doing with that ice you just drank in about 30 minutes or so? Yep, it won't be yours anymore. Stephen expressed it more eloquently than I'm willing to do here. Use your imagination.

If you are drinking your luxury liquor with luxury ice but the air around you smells like, well, poor people's exhaled breath, you need to buy a $200 bag of "Colb-Air." Just open the strings at the top of the plastic bag, scoop a little air into the top of your beverage, and your drink will make you feel luxurious. Good luck with that.

Kanye West and Jennifer Lopez are among the artists who perform at controversial gigs. Stephen mentioned that briefly. Also mentioned was that tasty cereal - Cheerios. As good as it is, it made Stephen sad, very sad. It reminded him of just how much he misses his Nana. We got to see Stephen shopping in the cereal aisle of his favorite grocery store (at 10:17 in the morning). Does my store have video camera surveillance in the cereal aisle? Yikes, I hope not.

Arne Duncan is Secretary of Education. It was fitting that he, as a member of the Cabinet, happened to be on the show last night because it was Constitution Day! Stephen quizzed him on why we would have a Department of Education when the Department of Education isn't even mentioned in the Constitution. With a perfect comeback Arne answered, "We have a Department of Education because we need to be able to read the Constitution."

Good answer. Well played.

Next question from Stephen was about President Obama's goals for education. "What is 'Race to The Top' and why does everything have to be about race with this guy?"

Arne Duncan explained that Race to The Top is important. "We want to lead the world in college graduation rates. We did it a generation ago. Today we're 12th. We have to reduce high school drop-out rates. We have to increase high school graduation rates."

The two discussed various programs, the reasons why today's young people need a great education, and ways to get there. As far as good ideas, Arne Duncan said this: "The best ideas in education frankly don't come from me, don't come from anyone else in Washington, they come from local teachers. We have to listen to them."

Next up, Stephen and Arne Duncan discussed Common Core, an attempt to bring some standardization to what is being taught state by state in our schools.

Stephen kept up with more questions. His next concern was the pros and cons of printed textbooks versus all digital. Arne Duncan supports digital because we spend billions of dollars on printed textbooks that are obsolete the day they are purchased. Stephen likes the concept of a locker full of printed books because then there is no room left over for someone to stuff a Stephen Colbert into that locker.


Another important component of education is early childhood educational. Having quality education available to all four year-olds is actually a great idea. It has a return on investment of 7 to 1.Stephen took that to mean that if he invests in the education of one pre-kindergartner, he will get seven of them when they graduate.

Last night's show was very informative. I guess when you have the Secretary of Education on as a guest, that is to be expected.

Are You Saying I Don't Know When To Shut Up?

Is anyone else of the opinion that Stephen seems to be fascinated by apes, monkeys, chimpanzees, etc? Surely those are not the most important stories and yet I find myself often reporting on Stephen reporting on our simian cousins. The most recent stories have been about apes in space and apes with a bit of an anger problem. Anyone wonder which part of the zoo Stephen heads to first when he wants to talk to the animals?

Strangely enough, Stephen was able to go from apes to gun control with a short clip of Charlton Heston displaying his hands that obviously were in need of gloves because his fingers were cold. You may remember Charlton Heston was in the 1968 film, "Planet of the Apes." He also was in the NRA and so the seamless transition from apes to guns. And forget what Stephen said about "When Harry Met Sally..." I don't for a minute think Charlton Heston ever auditioned for the part of Sally.

You know how sometimes there are glitches. (Yes we are all too aware of glitches.) Anyway, Stephen had a technical glitch on his show when we were supposed to see a map of states but instead saw a building. Most people would have been horrified to the point of running off the stage, but Stephen just smiled. He is such a professional!

Stephen mentioned the state of Mississippi. And Stephen was in such a joyful mood tonight. Anyway, he highlighted some legislation being proposed in Mississippi and no it is not about moustaches, but I did include this particular link so that you can see what Stephen was talking about. It is about following or not following federal laws.

Here to clarify pertinent laws is/was Cliff Sloan, one of the authors of "The Great Decision: Jefferson, Adams, Marshall, and the Battle for the Supreme Court." It got pretty tricky, lots of legal terms, including the word nullification. Bottom line, any time a state tries to say the law doesn't apply to us, the Constitution comes in and says that the Constitution is correct. Stephen kept bringing up valid points, but Cliff Sloan proved to Stephen why Stephen is wrong. Stephen said there is nothing in the Constitution that says the Constitution is constitutional. Ding dong he's wrong. Interesting stuff. Do you have your copy of the Constitution? See how to make your own here. Stephen's final answer is for a state to ratify a new amendment that says, "Be it known, you're not the boss of me." Check and checkmate.

George Saunders was the guest last night. His recent book, "Tenth of December", is a collection of short stories.  Stephen and George spent a lot of time discussing the pros and cons of short stories versus long novels. Stephen obviously wants a very long novel. He wants to know everything. We also got to see that Stephen is not very good at Knock Knock Jokes. Every fourth grader is an expert at that comedic talent and yet Stephen failed to deliver a good punch line.

Have You Read the Constitution?

Piers Morgan was Stephen's guest on January 14, but the more important portion of the show was Stephen's ever-changing wardrobe. He started out the show with a suit made of natural fibers, transitioned into a perfectly normal Brooks Brothers suit, and by the end of the show, it seemed as if he was channeling a magician with a suit that had incredible pockets, all containing a very special book.

But back to the beginning of the show. Stephen had video. In a recent discussion between Piers Morgan and Alex Jones, the question was asked, "How many chimpanzees can dance on the head of a pin?" Sadly, we did not get the answer. Do you know? Do you have an opinion?

Moving on, we learned that Vitamin Water is not necessarily as healthy as it might sound. Who knew?

Moving very quickly on to the guest. Yes it was Piers Morgan. He discussed guns with Stephen and here is where Stephen became somewhat of a magician. You know how magicians are always pulling rabbits out of hats and flowers out of pockets? Well, Stephen seemed to have a never-ending supply of Pocket Constitutions that he gave to Piers Morgan with the obvious intention of schooling the Englishman in the laws of our land. Let's hope Piers is up to the challenge and reads all three copies that Stephen gave him.

Do you have your copy of the Constitution? Here's how to get your own Pocket Size Constitution for FREE. Of course, you could also just be a guest on The Colbert Report and maybe Stephen would give you one of his.

Extensive Vocabulary

Do you want to get rich? You know, rich like Stephen Colbert? His strategy is to buy Forever Stamps. You buy them today for one price and then when the price goes up, like it is on January 27 of this year, you can still use the stamps that were the cheaper price. That's a good deal. But the idea of stamps going up in price a penny, one whole cent, made Stephen really mad. No more is he going to put a  46 cent stamp on a letter, mail it in Miami for delivery in Seattle. Nope. He will buy an airplane ticket and deliver all his mail himself. Yikes, for me that would have meant traveling to more than ten states to deliver my Christmas cards. Can I get an airplane ticket for less than 50 cents? Hmmm, I wonder.

Leading right from the cost of mailing a letter vs. delivering it yourself via air travel was Stephen's segment about anger. Someone said that getting angry can make you live longer. A better plan is to just take Vasca-Ternity Pills. Sadly, trying to get the bottle open made Stephen, yep, angry. Another way to stat young is to get a blood transfusion from a young person. Enter Jay the Intern, or rather, the Vacsa-Tern. Poor Jay the Intern.

Stephen's guest for January 8 was Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe. We learned that he is a nice football player in that he often gives the football to the other team. Plus he can flex which impressed Stephen somewhat... Most importantly, we found out about the extensive vocabulary that Chris Kluwe has. He mentioned the election from this past November, Minnesotans defeated an attempt to define marriage in their State Constitution. It seems to me that a Dictionary should define marriage and a Constitution should determine how a state is governed.