Don't Eat It, Stephen

I admit that I did not watch the first Presidential Debate. I figured Stephen would fill in the important details, and he did. He had a great segment where he showed us how the debate looked. That only took about 30 seconds to watch, saving me a quite a bit of time. And he analyzed some of his fellow media analysts as they analyzed the debates. So it was helpful to get that analysis from people who make their career by digging into the details of what makes a good president. For example, Brit Hume shared that Mitt Romney was wearing a half smile, not a smirk during the debate. Stephen modeled both for us. That helps me decide who to vote for.

One of the things I learned was that Romney, who has been promising tax cuts for the rich, was scheduled to come across as warm and fuzzy in the debates according to his campaign. This is great, especially after that secret video came out where Romney said he doesn't care about 47% of Americans. If he can look into the camera, (probably a really big camera , making it easy for Romney to know there is a camera) and say, "I care," then people will believe that and forget the whole 47% fiasco.

Many times we hear pundits talking about our politicians. It's not often that we get to see a visual representation of what these candidates are like. Stephen was able to do that. He had an Etch-A-Sketch with the words "Tax Cuts" etched onto the screen. (By the way, if you don't know what an Etch-A-Sketch is, click here and then be sure to keep hitting refresh.) So, Stephen took that Etch-A-Sketch, put it in a paint can, took it over to his studio paint shaker and shook that can of paint. I have to stop here and wonder if Stephen always has a paint shaker in his studio, or did he bring it from home, or did he borrow it from Home Depot? Just wondering. Anyway, he shook up that paint can really good, took it over to his desk, got out his tool, (yes we got to see Stephen's tool), and opened it up. Just as expected, it contained something warm and fuzzy. From tax cuts to warm and fuzzy in just one step. Or as Stephen said, "Prest-o Change-o."

With the November elections coming up in November (coincidence???), Stephen reminded us that he is very concerned about stomping out voter fraud. I wonder if he is aware of the voter fraud problems in Florida. He should be! He said that if even one fraudster shows up at the polls in November, that would tarnish the integrity of an election that the Koch Brothers paid good money for. Stephen did have two voter fraud alerts.

1. Six days before the election, millions of Americans will disguise themselves. That's why we need Photo ID. (Although personally I wonder about that because it's not that hard to get a fake ID and if these people disguise themselves, then wouldn't they need a photo taken while they are in disguise?)

2. A judge in Pennsylvania ruled against the Voter ID law being used for this election. But there is a silver lining, sort of. "Election officials...can ask for photo identification..." but they "...cannot prevent people from voting if they don't have it..."

I guess if you live in Pennsylvania and you don't have an ID, just go vote like you would any other year. Read about voting here, here, and here. And no matter which state you live in, be informed before you go to the polls. Your country is counting on you.

But, on with the show. Stephen's guest was Dr. George Church, Professor of Genetics, Harvard Medical School. He is working on mapping human genomes and Stephen sincerely hopes he isn't using an iPhone 5 to do the mapping. First question - what is the personal genome project? It's sharing genes, traits and environmental data information with the whole world. Stephen suggested an alternate process. The two of them discussed all sorts of sciencey stuff - splicing genes, making replacement petroleum, bringing back the woolly mammoth. Finally, Stephen asked the big question. "How do you think your work will eventually destroy all mankind? Killer virus... mutant killer squid man?"

We did not actually get a definitive answer to that question from Dr. George Church. So, they went on to the next topic, a new book. As usual, it has a very long title. I guess all the short titles have been used up. So, the book is, "Regenesis - How Synthetic Biology Will Reinvent Nature and Ourselves."

Stephen had great questions about the book. "Do we need reinventing? Are you playing God, sir, 'cause you certainly have the beard for it?" And remember how Stephen has been plugging his book on his show when other people plug their book? Well, this guy brought 20 million copies of his book to the interview! He reached into his pocket, took out a small vial and presented Stephen with a piece of paper about the size of a Fortune Cookie fortune. On the paper was a dot. Through the magic of science, that dot had 20 million copies of the book on it.

He told Stephen not to eat it. Stephen did not eat it, but he most certainly was tempted. I can just imagine if the show had been any longer, the audience would have started chanting, "Eat the books. Eat the books. Eat the books."

Mom-in-Chief

Down in Charlotte, North Carolina, the Democratic National Convention is still in full swing. Stephen objected to the constant noise in the background that seems to have no explanation. What is really strange about this noise is that it seems to be loudest at the same time as all those convention signs are waving back and forth, signs such as "Michelle," "Forward," and "Stephen Colbert." har har har. I made up that last one.

We did get an explanation when Stephen played a video clip of Brit Hume. He said, and I assume he has his facts all checked out on this, that the Democrats had the sound turned way up and so that's why the roar of the greasepaint, oops, roar of the crowd was so loud.

By the way, did you know that you can read the transcript of Michelle Obama's Convention Speech over at NPR? Well you can. And you can also listen to Michelle Obama's Convention Speech at the same link. It's 25 minutes and 6 seconds long, so you can read it or listen to it while waiting for your pizza to be delivered.

Everyone agreed the speech was great and when she said that her most important job was Mom-in-Chief, it brought out the crocodile tears in Stephen. I can understand why it would bring Stephen to tears. Even Charles Krauthammer thought the speech was brilliant.

 We also got to see Tammy Duckworth, Congressional candidate, giving a speech about her background, her family, her military service, and the heroism of her crew in Iraq. And yes, I found the text of her speech also. You can read that over at Huffington Post.

What seems to be grabbing attention with some of the media is the number of Twitter Tweets going on during the Conventions. Michelle Obama seems to be winning. What does it all mean? Stephen explains. He used the Internet Numbo-Tron 3000 to help explain  numbers, e.g., 5, 9, 14, and 3. He can't explain what any of the numbers mean, but he feels compelled to report on these numbers to his audience. Tonight's big number? It was 11,394.5. Holy Cow! That's a decimal. Stephen will keep us updated on this especially if he has time to fill. Of course, Stephen was making a point, but then he couldn't explain the point, so it was sort of pointless.

During the Sport Report, Stephen told us that the football referees are in a labor dispute with owners. One problem is over benefits such as vision coverage. Stephen offered to share his eyeglasses with the professional referees. This should settle the problem.

The guest was Michael Grunwald talking about his latest book, "The New New Deal, The Hidden Story of Change in the Obama Era." The book is a New York Times Bestseller, so that, plus the fact that he is on The Colbert Report, probably means that you may want to read this book.It was a very lively discussion. I could hardly keep up and neither could Michael Grunwald. I'm not one to tell tales, but Stephen barely let the guy talk. Where's a referee when you need one?