D. All Of The Above

Again, more religion news. Do you have your own magazine? I didn't think so. Well the Pope does! A weekly magazine, "Il Mio Papa" is being published in Rome. How I wish I was in Rome now so that I could pick up the first magazine. Every week there will be a pullout centerfold. Of the Pope. (What were you thinking, for heaven's sake???)

There was also a short segment on the younger generation and a report in Huffington Post or Huff Po or Huffing Post. Seems like the name and aim keeps evolving...

Even as some things about the SAT keep changing, some things stay the same. To the dismay of older employees, employers are asking for SAT scores for upper management jobs. Stephen had a bit of help for those who will be taking the test. Just remember these words: SAT, Panic, Anxiety, Hysteria, Horror, Failure. And now my suggestions: Do your best and don't worry. It's just a test.

Ronan Farrow was Stephen's guest on Tuesday. Stephen mentioned his age (26) five times on the show. Lots of people are 26, but most people did not finish high school at 11, finish college at 15 and go to law school at 16. Also, most people do not have their own TV show on msnbc when they are 26 years old.

Ronan revealed that Stephen Colbert was his role model, basically his Papa Bear (not to be confused with Il Mio Papa). In addition to that, he studies Stephen's shouting technique, I suppose so that he can have a show that is more informative. Stephen offered up some of his ideas for producing real political change in our country.

Feed the Baby

Yikes. I'm still not done reading the homework for tonight and I haven't done the post from last night's show. Oh no oh no. What am I going to do?

Quickly, here's what happened last night. There's got to be a better way to have executions in this country. The Pope encouraged mothers of young babies to go right ahead and nurse them during the service if they were hungry.  Scott Stossel was the guest to talk about his new book "My Age of Anziety, Fear, hope, dread, and the search for peace of mind."

If Scott Stossel would have thrown up on Stephen, it would have cured both of them, at least temporarily.

Now I have to run and finish homework for tonight. Yikes.

Goodnight Moon

The new Pope is so Popish that he goes out at night and helps people. Stephen (and I presume others) are calling him BatPope. For those of you who do not remember what the old TV Batman show was like, you can watch Hi Diddle Riddle here. While I don't see the resemblance between Batman and BatPope, it's true that both men help people.

Typically, I get hungry when watching the The Colbert Report. Maybe that's because he often has the Thought for Food segment. Last night was about Trans Fat and interestingly enough, it's not actually food, it's really just an ingredient. It's all in the media because the FDA wants to ban it in food. And with media exposure comes opinions and controversy. This prompted Stephen to stand up for another conservative newsman, Tucker Carlson who said it's probably delicious. Said Stephen in his defense, "Now that might sound like an idiotic thing to say, but let me be the only person standing up for Tucker Carlson. If he's so stupid, why is he on Fox News?"

Even Rand Paul has weighed in on Trans Fat by saying, "They're coming after your Donuts."

Actually, they can just go back to making donuts the old fashioned way, you know, like grandma did.

Also in the Thought for Food Segment, we got to see a photo of a McD's frozen rib. oohh.

Stephen demonstrated the Double Robotics Double, basically an iPad on a Segway. But I've seen it before on South Park, the episode about Blockbuster on Halloween, so I wasn't impressed. Plus, it made me quite sad when Jay the Intern was fired.

Stephen's guest last night was Dr. Ed Stone, creator of the Space Age. The two men talked about Voyager, the Interstellar Mission. We have great photos of the larger planets, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune, and tons of information, thanks to Voyager. We also got to see, at the end of the show, Stephen Tiberius Colbert (channeling Sandra Bullock) present a NASA Distinguished Public Service Medal to Ed Stone.

Stephen signed off last night with a simple, "Goodnight, Moon."

It's Really Important to Me That I Have Crushed You

Gloating is good. Gloating is fun. Gloating is very satisfying.

As good as The Colbert Report is, occasionally there are glitches. Stephen thought he had video of President Barack Obama making history, but instead it was the announcement at the Emmys that The Colbert Report had won. After ten years of The Daily Show winning an Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series, The Colbert Report stole that honor away from Jon Stewart.

It felt good. Stephen was happy. He called Jon Stewart just so that he could rub Jon's face in it. Surprisingly, (was anyone surprised?) Jon Stewart came out from the back halls of the studio over at The Colbert Report, talking on his cell phone with Stephen.

Funny thing though. It turns out that Jon Stewart and the Stewart Country (trademarked) are happy that Stephen won his Emmys. He's proud of Stephen. This is where it starts getting emotionally complicated. Stephen is happy that The Colbert Report won. So is Jon. Jon being happy makes Stephen sad. Jon feels sorry for Stephen and is just about to be sad so as to make Stephen happy until Jon announces that basically it doesn't matter that The Daily Show did not win because, and here's the strange part, Jon is the Executive Producer of The Colbert Report. No matter which show wins, Jon also wins.

No tears please folks. The two men put aside their differences and congratulated each other. Gloating is better when you can share it with a friend.

Religion, specifically Pope Kumbaya, is on Stephen's mind a lot lately. And being the biblical scholar that he is, Stephen righteously and rightly criticized this new Pope, Pope Francis, for being all Jesus-like, what with his love of people over the enforcement of rules and regulations. (He even made it onto the "On Notice" board.)  The Chaplain of the Colbert Nation and friend of the show, Father James (Jim) Martin, was on the show to help Stephen understand the workings of the Pope's mind. The"love" and "compassion" and "mercy" that the Pope is showing to people all over the world is mysteriously bringing people back to the Catholic Church!

One last thing about Stephen's criticism of the Pope - Father James (Jim) Martin advised Stephen that Jesus doesn't actually want people to be judging others. Is Father judging Stephen by saying that though? Oh, great, another dilemma.

The guest last night was a band by the name of Metallica, I think that's it, and apparently they're doing okay for themselves. They laughed at Stephen's jokes and made jokes of their own and then it was time for a song. You can read a little bit about them over at Wikipedia and of course, as always, there's a bonus song over at Colbert Nation.

Matthew, Marketing, Luke and John

It seems like it's been forever since the show was on. I have been so busy. And so much has happened. But enough about me.

Stephen did take time to welcome Jon Stewart back to his own Daily Show which was a generous gesture on his part. I admit I have missed Jon Stewart just as much as I have missed Stephen, maybe even more since Jon was gone for a longer period of time.

Speaking of Italy, that's where Stephen spent his summer vacation! After a bit of Roman culture, not much, Stephen transformed his desk into a motor car, donned goggles and scarf and took off motoring while not really going anywhere. Unfortunately, with his glasses off and goggles on, he screwed up what was on the teleprompter big time. Not 10 minutes into the show and he blew it.

All this car business was just his way to introduce his 73rd installment of Better Know a District. Tonight it was Michigans 5th District - the Fighting Fifth.Representing Flint Michigan and the rest of the 5th is Congressman Dan Kildee. To help us better understand the importance of Unions in America and what they accomplish for workers and for our economy, Stephen played the part of a Union worker. No sooner did Congressman Kildee start talking with Stephen in the role of Union worker than Stephen informed him he was Latina, a lesbian, from Minnesota and a felon, so he's not going to be voting for Dan Kildee anyway. What a waste of time!

Stephen's guest tonight was the 2nd most famous Catholic in the US, Timothy Cardinal Dolan. You all know who the most famous Catholic is, right? If not, you shouldn't be reading this blog. Cardinal Dolan has written an e-book, "Praying in Rome - Reflections on the Conclave and Electing Pope Francis." Stephen assumed it would be a tell-all about how the Pope is chosen and how everyone voted, but he was somewhat disappointed. What he did tell Stephen is that the first thing done when the doors closed was to pray.You see, the Holy Spirit had already chosen the new Pope. All the guys there had to figure out was who the Holy Spirit had picked.

The new Pope Francis seems a bit too easy-going for Stephen and too soft on sin. For example, when asked about homosexuality, Pope Francis said, "Who am I to judge?"

Stephen asked Cardinal Dolan a hypothetical question. "If you could be Pope, what name would you choose?"

Cardinal Dolan thought for a few seconds and then calmly replied, "Stephen."

A Pile of Lunch Meat Chose the White Bread

Stephen is back from vacationing in the Cayman Islands with his money and was sad that he didn't get to cover the crowning of  a new Pope. (Note: Pope Francis was not crowned and seems unlikely to want riches of that sort.) Actually, Stephen wanted to cover the naming of a new Pope. It is as important as the Superbowl but without so many "Thank-you Jesus thanks prayers." Stephen did has some coverage about the new Pope and showed Fox News with the safe analysis of the smoke. "It's gray." Can't go wrong with that.

Stephen told us about a book based on a movie based on the Bible. It was very confusing. It seems like it will be a big ratings winner and isn't that what the Bible is all about?

The really big news that everyone is talking about is the renaming of the Conference Room over at The Campaign Legal Center. The president is Trevor Potter. That name should be familiar to you. If not, read more here and also here. Or you can just read posts here about Trevor Potter. Anyway, the Conference Room was renamed in honor of Ham Rove. I would just love to have my next committee meeting in "THE HAM ROVE MEMORIAL CONFERENCE ROOM." It is such a fitting tribute to Ham Rove and also to Karl Rove who was the mentor for Ham Rove. Now admittedly there could be some confusion for a small minority of people about the difference between the mentor and the mentee. So, before you enjoy your Easter dinner, first ask, "Did you ever put anti-gay marriage legislation in swing states to tip the scales in the 2004 Presidential Election?" If it answers Yes or if it answers anything at all, best not to eat that Ham. It could be Karl Rove.

Stephen extended an invitation for Karl Rove to join him this Sunday for an Easter Feast.

Stephen's guest last night was Junot Diaz. He has a very impressive set of credentials, but Stephen, being a humble man, was not impressed. Among other things, he teaches Writing at MIT. And he is on the Board of Freedom University. Freedom University is dedicated to teaching undocumented immigrants. Junot Diaz had an interesting comparison. Think about Superman. He arrived here from Krypton through no plans of his own and yet we accepted him. Think about all the positive things Superman accomplished here! Right. So it just makes sense to me that we should be doing more to help these other immigrants achieve all that they can. Stephen raised many pertinent questions which Junot Diaz answered well and yet not to Stephen's liking. They discussed the Eternal Question of what language is spoken on Krypton. I must admit that I do not know the answer to that question.

As important as this University seems to be to Junot Diaz and as committed as he seems to be to the University, he admitted that there is no official sweatshirt for the school. Stephen was ready to help him out. He brought out a sweatshirt, a nice grey hoodie, with red letters that say "Freedom University - Established 2011" on it. Junot Diaz was overwhelmed with joy. "This is great!" Actually, it just had the initials for Freedom University on it, but you get the idea.

We Have a New Pope

At 8:12 p.m. (Vatican Time) the curtains parted, the doors to the balcony opened, the announcement was made.

And the new Pope is....

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Archbishop of Buenos Aires. He has taken the name Pope Francisco or Francis I.

At 8:23 p.m. Vatican Time, he appeared on the balcony. He greeted the crowd, said a prayer for Pope Emeritus Benedict. There was a silent prayer for the new Pope and then a prayer for the world. At 8:34 Vatican time he left the balcony after wishing the crowd a restful night.

I can't even imagine what he must be thinking and feeling right now.

Obviously, more details in the days ahead.

New Pope Chosen

I just got done writing that you probably would not hear it here first, and already I'm reporting that a new Pope was just chosen.

New Pope chosen in Vatican City.

More details later.