The Guy With a Dead Crow on His Head

Tuesday night we saw the Best Episode Ever on The Colbert Report. Oh, yeah, I know I've said that before. I guess it's because Stephen just gets better and better with age. Not that he's old, I didn't say that.

So anyway, he was sad, had a heavy heart because the Congresswoman from Minnesota's Valley of the Dolls, Michele Bachmann, announced she was not going to seek a 5th term in Congress. (Finally, I reported on something before Stephen did. yes!)

I wondered if she had filmed the video in Stephen's studio while he was gone, but no, Stephen said it was in a Sears Portrait Studio.

I did not know how Stephen would react to the resignation of one of the giants in the Conservative Movement. Perhaps resignation is not the right word since she will continue in Congress until her current term is up. We can all take solace in her drive and ambition to continue with her strong focus.

"I will continue to work vehemently and robustly to fight back against what Most in The Other Party want to do to transform our country into becoming."

And Stephen agreed with her. "Yes. We must fight those Most before our country is transformed into becoming," he said. "Stupid Most." Well, duh. Who doesn't agree with that?

In a touching tribute to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, Stephen looked fondly back on some of her Very Moments.

* Michele Bachmann and Marcus Bachmann dancing. She does like the twirling. And Marcus does love to twirl.

* "Planned Parenthood is a billion dollar a year entity. They want to become the Lens Crafter of Big Abortion."

* "It's a very sad life. It's Part of Satan, I think, to say that this is 'Gay'. It's anything but 'Gay' ... It leads to the personal enslavement of individuals because if you are involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it's bondage."

* "The very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States."

* "There's a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. She said her daughter was given that vaccine. She told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result of that vaccine."

* "There isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas."

* "Our founders though taxation without representation was bad. What would they think of representation with taxation?"

* "I got two cupcakes for you. Did you get 'em. We got two cupcakes for you. Did you get 'em? We, we didn't know, we didn't know if you liked chocolate or vanilla."

She will be missed and Stephen kindly sent her two cupcakes. There was some confusion as to whether or not she got them.

Tip/Wag
Stephen knows it all. He had thought he might like some Google Glass, but unfortunately, some enhancements will not be available on the Google Glass. So, a Wag of his Finger to Google. He had more thoughts about this subject.

He also gave a Wag to The Lone Ranger, the current reboot. Back in the old days, you just didn't mess with a guy neatly dressed wearing a neck-kerchief. The Lone Ranger does not ever say his trademark Hi Ho Silver in this movie. And the Lone Ranger is not even the main character in The Lone Ranger.

Stephen did give a Tip of his Hat to 3-D Printed food. Yep, no longer to you have to have pizza delivered, you can print it on your own 3-D printer. Yum. There were some pros and some cons about this plan.

In a huge win for some guy with rhythm that we don't know, Stephen gave the famous The Colbert Bump to one of the famous IRS Dancers. Other guys just got a little air time for their troubles with the IRS. The beef Stephen has with the IRS is not that they dance or not that they only work one day a year on April 15. No, it's that they are not as efficient as they could be. It is a simple matter to work while you are dancing and Stephen did so to prove it. He is so light on his feet. If one of his guests ever failed to show up for an interview, I just know the studio audience and TV audience would be mesmerized by a segment of Stephen dancing. Move over Fred Astaire.

Stephen's guest last night was Academy Award-winning director, Alex Gibney. His new film is "We Steal Secrets - The Story of WikiLeaks." (Better send Jay the Intern into the Green Room to make sure no one stole the snacks and beverages.) Although on the one hand, Stephen was interested in what Alex Gibney had to say, on the other hand, he didn't want to hear any sensitive state secrets. I'm reluctant to report more on the interview because I feel like I would be giving away secrets of the interview.

Desperately Seeking Colbert Bump

Stephen started out tonight with comparisons between foods and the long list of GOP presidential candidates. Some of the foods and candidates associated with each food are:

Mitt Romney - white bread
Tim Pawlenty - white rice
Rick Santorum - Cream of Wheat
Jon Huntsman - potatoes
Newt Gingrich - mashed potatoes
Ron Paul - boiled potato
Michele Bachmann - potato flakes
Gary Johnson - mayonnaise
Thad McCotter - packing peanuts (this does not seem to actually be a food)

Ah, but then there was Herman Cain - dessert
And funny thing --- Herman Cain is scheduled to be on The Colbert Report on July 28. Obviously, Herman Cain is desperately seeking the Colbert Bump.


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Marriage seemed to be a theme for much of the rest of the show. The first segment about marriage involved Michele Bachmann and the signing of the Marriage Vow. This is not something she signed when she married Marcus Bachmann. This is a pledge put forth to candidates by the Iowa conservative Christian group The Family Leader and head guy Bob Vander Plaats.

Some see this as being controversial, especially when one reads the preamble. It says in part, "Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African American baby born after the election of the USA's first African-American President."

Hmph. It wasn't all that great for slaves. They were, after all, slaves. They weren't allowed to learn how to read. They had very poor living conditions. And even if two slaves were married and had children, there was no guarantee that that family would be allowed to stay together.

And then, the way the pledge is worded, the natural conclusion many people would come to is that somehow it's Barack Obama's fault. What about white kids? Are they in the same predicament? Is a white child born today less likely to live with both parents than white children in the 1860s?

But, Michele Bachmann signed the pledge. Also signing the pledge was Rick Santorum, although he did have qualms. Stephen did an actor's portrayal of Rich Santorum having qualms but then signing the pledge. Stephen is very good at showing qualms.

Then, of course, with something that controversial, there was bound to be repercussions. And there were. Michele Bachmann's campaign felt compelled to issue this in response to the uproar:

"In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible."
Alice Stewart, Spokeswoman for Rep. Michele Bachmann

Michele has been against slavery in many areas of our country and its politics. For example, can you guess what she was talking about in each of these instances where she talked about slavery?

"This is slavery. It's nothing more than slavery."

"It is a slavery that is a bondage to _______ and a bondage to decline."

"If you're involved in the ____ ____ ____ ____, it's bondage. It's personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement."

What do you think? Well, I'll tell you. The first quote was about health care. The second quote was about national debt. And the third quote was about the gay and lesbian lifestyle.

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The next segment in tonight's show had to do with Dr. Marcus Bachmann. If that name sounds familiar, it should. Dr. Marcus Bachmann is married to Michele Bachmann. He runs a Christian psychotherapy business which apparently includes "Pray Away the Gay." This actually is rather controversial because other professionals in the therapy business know that there is no credible research that shows this is beneficial to patients. A suggestion from one of the counselors at Bachmann and Associates to a gay guy was that if he was going to attend a gay wedding, he should bring along a heterosexual accountability buddy.

This was such a great idea that Stephen used it in the show tonight for his interview with Dan Savage. Dan Savage is "weapons grade gay" according to Stephen. And so, Stephen enlisted the services of the building manager Tad to be his heterosexual accountability buddy. (Funny, isn't it how you can be watching one show and then for no apparent reason think of another show - Strangers With Candy with Paul Dinello- like some sort of brain hiccup!)

Probably the most important point that I think Dan Savage made was that the definition of marriage is always evolving.

"It used to be," Dan said, "a property transaction where man took possession of another man's property (daughter) and it became wife and that's not what marriage is anymore." He also noted that when a man and woman get married, they both define what their marriage will be. It could be a religious ceremony, or not. It could be monogamous or not. There could be children or none at all.

And it was a good idea that Tad was there for Stephen to turn to for some man talk. It came in handy. I think chainsaw was the magic word. Not to be confused with tonight's safe word which was Bachmann.