Stephen's New Year's Resolutions

I have no idea what Stephen will do for the New Year. But I do have some ideas for New Year's Resolutions.

1. Move to Massachusetts. It's a wonderful place to live.

2. Have Governor Deval Patrick on The Colbert Report.

3. Start acting Senatorial. I have heard that there may be an open Senate Seat in Massachusetts. I also have heard that Governor Deval Patrick gets to appoint a Senator if for some reason a current Senator leaves because maybe he is going to be the Secretary of State. And since you didn't get that one in South Carolina, here's your chance.

Good luck, Stephen.

The Nutcracker

This time of year, when there is not a new The Colbert Report to watch, people often turn to the classics. Here is one of my favorites, "The Nutcracker with the Royal Ballet," by Peter Tchaikovsky. Get a cookie or two and a mug of hot chocolate with a marshmallow, put on your slippers and enjoy this ballet. This is part one. When you are done watching that, there is a link on that page for part two.

I'm not sure if this will stay up for a while or if it will come down after Christmas. Best watch it soon, just in case.

More Christmas Music

Here's two more selections. This song, "Once in Royal David's City," is more traditional. I like it because of the simple tune with the majestic procession that often accompanies it.

The other one, "O Christmas Tree," is quite short and maybe not what people usually think of during the holidays, but it is somewhat whimsical and enjoyable so I include it here.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. I sincerely wish peace and joy, comfort and good health for all near and far.

Here is a link to Cincinnati Christmas Pipe Organ Medley. I don't know the organist but found this over at YouTube and liked it. It's not grand and pretentious, just simple melodies from the Christmas season.

Enjoy.

Kids, Try This At Home

You'll recognize "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" at first, but then the pace picks up and you'd better not blink. You can however just sit and watch and learn. In no time, you should be able to join in all the fun. I mean really, how difficult could it possibly be if you're just sitting down, right?

After watching that, if you want something a bit more subdued, listen to "The First Noel" here. And for a medley that includes "Joy to the World" you'll enjoy this Dash for the Presents. It also includes something to work off all those calories from big Christmas dinners. All three selections are from Cherish the Ladies.

Mandy Patinkin

Last night's (repeat) show was the one with Mandy Patinkin as guest. Also joining in for a song at the end was Stephen and shelf warmer Michael Stipe. They did a beautiful job singing Good King Wenceslas. You can read my post from that night here.

For another musical treat, you can travel to our 50th state, you know, the one where President Obama was born, and listen to Bing Crosby and The Andrews Sisters sing Mele Kalikimaka which is also known as the Hawaiian Christmas Song.

Malcolm Gladwell

Last night's repeat was Malcolm Gladwell. You can read that post here if you haven't read it already.

Today's link to the Christmas song, "Christmas Baby Please Come Home" sung by Darlene Love on David Letterman back in 2011. There's also a few other singers and musicians. Seems like there's more and more every year!

Peter Jackson

You know the drill, last night was a repeat. You can see what I posted the first time around. I'm assuming it was in fact the episode with Peter Jackson last night. I did not actually watch it. But things always go as planned, so I'm sure this will be the correct post for last night's episode.

And again for your viewing and listening pleasure, another Christmas song. This is one of my favorites. Here it is, Feliz Navidad, by Jose Feliciano. I'm sure you've heard it before. But some songs just get better with time.

And as a bonus, here it is done by Michael Buble and Thalia.

Sir Ian McKellen

As you probably know, Stephen is taking time off at the end of the year so it is repeats this week. Last night's guest was Sir Ian McKellen. You can read my post about that here.

And since there are no shows this week, we won't get to hear some of Stephen's favorite Christmas songs. So here for you viewing and listening pleasure is a link for an older Christmas song that you may not have heard before.  Enjoy.

Here's Ernest Tubb singing "Merry Texas Christmas You All."

Hold It Right There, Nunsie

Wrapping up last Thursday's show and the last episode of 2012 it is time for bid adieu to Ham Rove. In a strange turn of events though, his memory will live on. You see, Stephen got a letter from The Ham Rove Memorial Fund, of which he, Stephen Colbert, surprisingly is on the Board! In this letter which Stephen sent to himself, it says that they recently received an anonymous donation of $773,704,83. This is amazing because it is exactly the same amount of money that was left over in the Colbert Super PAC. The letter came from P.O. Box Bite Me. Stephen suggested that this donation go to Unicef but the other Board members found out that Unicef is the name of Stephen's yacht.

Therefore, the money will be divided up as follows:

$125,000 to Donors Choose Sandy Relief Fund

$125,000 to Team Rubicon's Sandy Outreach

$125,000 to Habitat for Humanity to build houses for storm victims

$125,000 to Yellow Ribbon Fund

The remaining money, per Ham Rove's wishes, will be split between the Center for Responsive Politics and The Campaign Legal Center, but if, and only if, some conditions are met. Conference rooms for those two organizations will be renamed. One gets to be The Colbert Super PAC Memorial Conference Room and the other gets to the The Ham Rove Memorial Conference Room.

Stephen's guest for the last show of 2012 was Sister Simone Campbell, of the famous Nuns on a Bus. They had a very spirited interview. I have come to the conclusion that Sister Simone won the interview by a few points. Stephen tried his best, claiming that Jesus wanted him to prosper. Sister Simone came back at him with the story of how the rich brought presents to the baby Jesus and left them at the manger.

Stephen did compliment her that she was named one of Atlantic's Brave Thinkers of 2012. He went on to note that she publicly disagreed with the Pope, yes - that Pope (!) - on issues such as contraception and all male priesthood. He also commented that he had no way to be sure she was a nun since she was wearing just normal clothes. However, she has a pin on her lapel, what Stephen called a "Nun Badge."

In her never ending quest to help the poor, she also explained why she "took on" Paul Ryan and his budget. This is the budget which Paul Ryan said was informed by his faith. She said we should, in a pluralistic culture, be all about community: "We have to let go of our stuff to hold hands with each other."

Thursday's show was only 30 minutes long as usual, but it seemed like Stephen packed a lot in to end the year. We had another musical treat for the Christmas season. Musicians Jeff Tweedy, Mavis Staples, Sean Lennon and members of the Harlem Gospel Choir all appeared to sing John Lennon's "So This is Christmas."

Announcing Our Next U.S. Senator.....

Earlier today, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley had this to say:

"It is, um, with great pleasure that I am announcing, um, that I am appointing our next U.S. Senator to be Congressman Tim Scott."

This is not what I was expecting and I'm quite sure it absolutely was not what Stephen Colbert was expecting. Governor Haley was, I thought, a bit hesitant, or maybe subdued in her announcement. Is that because she secretly wanted to name Stephen Colbert for that position but was worried it would set the bar too high for all the other Senators?

I don't know Congressman Tim Scott, so I had to quickly find some links to information about him. I found this over at CBS News. Here's one I found at Think Progress. And here's one I found at the Washington Post. I also found out that he writes poetry. I'm pretty sure Stephen also writes poetry, so that can't be the only criteria used to decide on Tim Scott instead of Stephen Colbert.

I'm disappointed that we will not be seeing Senator Colbert in any news stories about the Senate. I really think we will eventually see him in Congress or even in the White House, so it would have made sense to get that whole career change going now. But I'll be patient. And I'll be ready to work on his campaign when he does run for office. It's the least I can do.

My Lord, A Mister Spider to See You

Thursday's show was the last episode of the year and Stephen was already relaxing in fine style. And of course news of the 121212 Concert was the first agenda item on the show. There were many fine musicians, but they were all just opening acts, teasers or appetizers if you will, for rock legend (in his own mind???) Stephen Colbert. He even brought out his iPad to show footage of Mick Jagger "shaking his sexy bag of bones." That would seem to prove that Stephen was, in fact, just off stage while Mick was performing, but I was skeptical. It is easy to download videos from the Internets and say, "I was there!" However, when the iPad swiveled around and showed Stephen's handsome, smiling face, there could be no doubt in my mind. Rock legend Stephen Colbert was definitely there, just offstage, to watch fellow rock legend Mick Jagger perform. Who was more impressed, Stephen or Mick? I wonder.

If you don't know yet, here's what Stephen suggested, Text Robinhood to 50555 to help out the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

Next we had some political commentary from Stephen and then some fancy culture by way of  the British and their Downton Abbey TV show. It seems Michele Obama was able, somehow, to get an advance copy of the upcoming season. She won't have to wait like the rest of America to watch. There's not much Stephen can do about that, but, F. O.T. S. (Friend of the Show) Vince Gilligan let Stephen show some upcoming scenes from Breaking Bad as performed by the men of Downton Abbey.

If by chance you tuned into The Colbert Report mid-show, you might have seen "Breaking Abbey" and you would probably have been really confused because you expected to see Stephen Colbert. Hopefully for all the viewers that were temporarily bummed out, you were elated when you realized that you were still watching the right show. This show, "Breaking Abbey" is bound to become a favorite for fans of both "Downton Abbey" and "Breaking Bad" because it combines the best of both shows.

Stephen promised that next time Bryan Cranston will be on to re-enact scenes from "Malcolm in the Middle."

Last Show For 2012

Last night's show was great and it was also the last show for 2012. I don't know why I didn't see that coming. Every year Stephen and also Jon Stewart take some time off to spend with their family and relax a bit. I mean, what else would Stephen possibly do, unless....?

Okay, I just checked my local movie theaters. Yes, December 14. The day that The Hobbit hits the screen. And so, I think we can safely assume that Stephen even now has a box of popcorn in one hand, a super large big cup of pop in the other hand, and his feet up on the seat in front of him. He is at the movies.  Well, not a surprise. Enjoy yourself Stephen and we will see you next year.

Now for the show. Well, I will write about last night's show over the next few days and also come up with something to write about for the three weeks that Stephen is off. For last night, it will include iPad, Ham, lots of money, a nun badge, and some more music. I'll keep my eye on important news and report on that, and I'll maybe make note of what is on the TV machine, you know, repeats of The Colbert Report, but I'll write different stuff from what I wrote before.

Oh, yeah, you can look at this if you have a few moments. It's about the Concert for Sandy Relief.

Feast of Stephen

Stephen mentioned again how Christmasy his studio is complete with a historically accurate nativity. It does have Stephen's latest book, "America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't," lying in the manger which I have my doubts about, historically and Biblically speaking, but I'll take Stephen at his word.

Speaking of Number One books - "America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't," has now reached Number One status over at Amazon, so great job Nation for buying the book. You will treasure it as I do.

As far as I can tell, Governor Nikki Haley still has not named Stephen Colbert, or someone less qualified than him, to replace Jim DeMint as Senator from South Carolina. Senator John McCain would be somewhat of a mentor to Stephen if (and when) Stephen goes to Washington. Senator McCain has said he would teach Senator Colbert how to shut up, which is funny because he can't make anyone shut up. Is it coincidence that there is a picture of Sarah Palin onscreen while Stephen is saying that? Also willing to help Stephen was Senator Jeff Bingaman of New Mexico. He had great pointers for Stephen, including appropriate attire to wear and information about the Steam Room.

Mandy Patinkin who is the Chief Saul Berenson on Homeland, was Stephen's guest last night. It was another great interview and I'm not sure if it was funny or terrifying or confrontational or all three. One of the first matters to be discussed, of course, was beards and beard growing. It takes about 8-10 weeks for Mandy Patinkin to grow his beard and get it up to speed. Stephen had a suggestion for better beard growth. Mandy Patinkin took the time during the interview to write that down while Stephen waited, patiently it seemed, for him to finish and resume the interview. They then delved into just about everything - terrorism, patriotism, propaganda, personal responsibility, and things that are not magic tricks. I think they also solved the Mideast problems.

If you were paying attention to your TV schedules or the lineup from Colbert Nation, you were aware that Michael Stipe was also scheduled to be a guest. I was so excited. Finally, he would get to come off that shelf at The Colbert Report. WHAT??!!??!! He had to sit there, even while the three of them sang. Well, I guess if Michael Stipe is happy doing that, then who am I to question that decision?

So, anyway, Christmas Music. Michael Stipe, Mandy Patinkin and Stephen Colbert sang Good King Wenceslas with Joan playing the piano. It was wonderful as is to be expected. Three very different men with three very different vocal stylings and voices. If you want, you can go get that over at iTunes for a very affordable price. Just go to Colbert Nation for the link.

If you are not familiar with the song, here is how it starts and then how it ends. There's a whole bunch of stuff in the middle. You can find the lyrics on the Internets if you want or just buy the song at iTunes or else watch it online at Colbert Nation.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen,

.......... stuff in the middle .......

Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing.

So, it's truly a great Christmas song and has a message we can all embrace.

Baby It's Cold Outside

The Fiscal Cliff is coming to town. Yes, it's that time of year when everything bad you ever thought might happen, will happen unless Congress gets its act together and acts. Of course, both sides go back and forth saying who's to blame. Some even say that the White House is daring Republicans to blink. Joke's on Obama - Stephen knows some Republicans who have had their eyelids surgically removed. (Here's looking at you, Michele Bachmann!)

John Boehner has a plan to cut spending by demanding that Obama comes up with his plan, but all that does is set up a neat Mad Libs scenario. Stephen even had an example of a short Mad Libs from the 2013  G.O.P. Budget:

We agree to cut ten bazillion from the program that gives ukuleles to the sticky poor. toilet-boobs!

Stephen had his Threat Down segment on last night. It always scares me when he exposes all these threats. Sometimes I'm so stunned I miss half of what he says. That being said, North Korean archaeologists have found an ancient unicorn lair. They know it is a unicorn lair because if you go "200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Pyongyang City" you can find "A rectangular rock carved with the words 'Unicorn Lair' ..."

The reason this is a threat is that young girls universally love unicorns. If North Korea plays this right (or wrong depending on your perspective) young girls will be drawn into Communism because of the lure of unicorns.

Next, Stephen talked about the Recession. It seems even construction workers end up staying home with the kids. To appeal to this market of consumers, there is now a Barbie Doll that is a construction worker. This is a bad idea and Stephen demonstrated why. (Barbie does not have load bearing ankles.) Barbie is also the cause of the Recession, according to Stephen, because she is hogging all the jobs. He had examples: doctor, astronaut, race car driver, police officer, flight attendant, computer engineer, fire fighter, dentist, paleontologist, and a Fox News anchor.

Did you know there is a war against the gays? Luckily, California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill, a gay "reparative therapy" ban, because reparative therapy is "based on junk science." (It is interesting that Stephen had a tiny segment about Michele Bachmann on at the beginning of the show and yet he did not mention her in this segment. Maybe that's because it's old news, and yet, old news is still news.)

We got to see highlights of the most effective "anti-gay therapies." These therapies included, and I'm paraphrasing here, making orange juice, playing tennis, going into a locker room, and visiting a bath house. Stephen mentioned that along with banning such therapies, we also have given up trying to cure left-handedness.

The guest last night was  Malcolm Gladwell, and he brought with him "The Big New Yorker Book of Dogs." Stephen got him to admit that he, Gladwell, does not actually own a dog. He claims it is because his building does not allow dogs. However, he is still a dog lover. A few years back, he saved a dog that was on death row after being wrongly convicted of biting a young girl!


In one of those rare nights, Stephen had a second guest. Friend of the show, Audra McDonald, joined Stephen at the end of the show for a wonderful treat. She and Stephen sang, "Baby, It's Cold Out There." And again, impressive. Both are so talented, great way to end the show.

# Spotted Salamander

Last week's studio was all about The Hobbit. This week, the studio has been completely redecorated into a virtual, no wait, an actual Winter Wonderland. It's red, it's green. There are packages, there are huge candy canes, green wreaths, red poinsettia plants, and two balls, one red and one white in front of Stephen's desk. There's a tree, there's a snowman, and lots more Christmas decorations. Festive is how I would describe it! And to be fair, Stephen celebrated Hanukkah by mentioning it. He therefore gave it the Colbert Bump.

You know of course that Jim DeMint is resigning from the Senate and that Stephen would be great in that job. Well now everyone is getting on the bandwagon.Websites, twitters, tweets, Facebooks -- it's all out there, set up by fans and one would assume, patriotic South Carolinians. The mainstream media is discussing the pros and pros of him being appointed Senator to replace DeMint.

Stephen pointed out that he is the best choice because he tops the Public Policy Poll with 20% of the good people in South Carolina choosing Stephen. Here's the numbers that Stephen shared with us last night.

Stephen Colbert  20%
Tim Scott  15%
Trey Gowdy  14%
Jenny Sanford  11%
Henry McMaster  8%
Mark Sanford  8%


Stephen also had some wonderful, um, suggestions, no, incentives, no, um, random thoughts, yes, random thoughts about why he should be appointed as Senator to replace the outgoing Jim DeMint. Another point to consider, nearly 12,000 people tweeted Governor Nikki Haley and urged her to make Stephen the next Senator from South Carolina. It seems almost certain that it's a done deal. Until you hear what Nikki Haley said on her Facebook page. She was ever so grateful for all the tweets but is apparently holding a grudge. When she was on The Colbert Report in April, she had some trivia questions for Stephen. Sadly, he did not correctly answer that Milk is the State Drink.

Automatic disqualification, right? No, because she did not know the state amphibian. Stephen knows and Stephen said, "So Nation, do not give up the fight. Keep tweeting @nikkihaley why I'd make an ideal Senator (using the hashtag) #spottedsalamander."

Stephen then discussed presidential politics. This is somewhat confusing and hard to follow. But I'll do my best. Over at Fox, they had hopes of David Petraeus running for president and Rupert Murdoch would bankroll it and Roger Ailes would manage it. Stephen then also briefly mentioned John McCain and Honey Boo Boo.

Stephen reminded us again about the need for someone to be Senator for South Carolina.

Diana Krall, jazz singer and pianist, was Stephen's guest. Her latest album is Glad Rag Doll. She sang that song from the album. Then a commercial and a real treat after that. Diana Krall played the piano and Stephen sang along with Elvis Costello. Marc Ribot accompanied her for both songs on the guitar. Just go on over to Colbert Nation and listen to both songs. I won't say what the other song was but let's just say that you should have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Very nice, very nice. Good night, everybody.

Middle Earth

I realized that I have created a trilogy of posts about last Thursday's show. I just felt compelled to split it into three sections instead of my normal "one show / one post" for my blog. So here is the third and final installment which is bittersweet. Thursday's show was the last one for Hobbit Week.

So -- last post, last show of Hobbit Week, last part of the show, therefore the guest interview. It was Peter Jackson, director of "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey." By all appearances, Peter Jackson is more than a friend of the show, he is a friend of the host of the show! As a matter of fact, he even invited Stephen and his family to New Zealand when the "The Hobbit" was being filmed. That is important, not so much then, not so much now, but it will be important a year from now.

Stephen and his guest got all technical discussing the film. "Why 3D?" asked Stephen.Well, it makes for a better movie, obviously. And it is shot at 48 frames per second. If you want, stop for one second and count to 48. That's fast, isn't it? (This is nothing new for me. I sometimes TiVo The Colbert Report and then watch it on faster speed. I can see the whole show in about two or three minutes. Maybe that is what it's like with 48 frames per second. But I digress.) They also talked about Gollum. He is way better in this film because he has more muscles in his face. More muscles in his face mean better facial expressions. I think that will make Gollum more lovable.

Peter Jackson admitted to Stephen that he, Peter, did have a cameo in "The Hobbit," in the first six or seven minutes. Even though Stephen has seen the movie, he did not spot the cameo by Peter Jackson. The only solution for that is for Stephen to go see the movie again. You just know that's a no brainer. Stephen is a huge** fan of all things and everything Hobbit so yes, of course he will go see the movie again.

And, perhaps you should go see "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" when it comes out on December 14 at a theater near you, or maybe far, it all depends I guess on where you live and if it is a big city with lots of movie theaters. But go see it somewhere and soon. Stephen will thank you for it and he might just be in the audience.

**(the word "huge" is a trademark of Donald Trump)

Wax On Wax Off

Well, if you have been paying attention, you know that Stephen Colbert can be seen anytime in the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in Washington D.C. And he is in good company. We know this because Stephen toured Madame Tussauds Wax Museum on his show Thursday night. His guide, Dan Rogoski, was extremely patient.  George Washington was there and what a coincidence that he is in the Washington D.C. location! Other presidents include Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Tiger Woods was there all over the place. Many Hollywood stars were there, e.g. George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez, and Johnny Depp.

Stephen sat for measurements, patterns, and molds, in what was somewhat humiliating for him and humorous for the folks taking all the measurements. Then the work began to get a framework, paint eyeballs, sculpt those ears just so, and all the other details in order to get a facsimile of Stephen Colbert. It was well worth it as we got to see, "one, two, me," the unveiling of the best statue in the museum.

About the only problem I can see is that on their sitemap, they have Stephen listed under Hollywood Stars. Perhaps there's not a better category for him, although Cultural Figures (Madame Tussaud, Juliette Gordon Low, Buzz Aldrin, Harriet Tubman) or Music Stars, (Marvin Gaye, Duke Ellington, Taylor Swift) or Presidents (Thomas Jefferson, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush, ) since Stephen is presidential, might be better categories.

Now we can all see Stephen Colbert in wax any time that we want. The museum is open every day of the year. The only thing you need to worry about, and this might be a game changer, is that you are not allowed to lick the statues.

# Senator Colbert

If there was a Humility Award, Stephen would win First Place every year. And that is very important for the first big news of the night on last night's show. Senator Jim DeMint is resigning.

Even bigger is the news that someone will need to replace him. It should be someone, according to Stephen Colbert, who is young, conservative, from South Carolina, maybe has a Super PAC.... Do you know who that would be? Yes. It most certainly is Stephen Colbert. And who has the power to make Stephen Colbert the next senator from South Carolina? That would be Governor Nikki Haley.

Friend-Of-The-Show Nikki Haley.

She was on The Colbert Report and obviously got The Colbert Bump when she was on. I'm not saying that automatically means she should appoint Stephen, but hey! It's the decent thing to do.

Unfortunately, I found this which puts a damper on the best news for our nation. Stephen had urged the Colbert Nation to contact Governor Nikki Haley (@nikkihaley) and tell her to do the right thing using #senatorcolbert. You can still try. Maybe it will help. Stephen is well equipped to fill the shoes of the departing Senator Jim DeMint. And, you know what that means, right?

Shut Up, I Wasn't Talking To You

Where's Stephen? Where is Stephen? Blink, there he is just like magic. He wasn't there, then he was there, and he had a ring.... Strange, isn't it?

We learned about some delicious food and where to get it. That's right, Hobbit Food at Denny's. How does it taste? How long will it be there? I do not know, but now I'm hungry.

The next segment on the show started out all cute and cuddly about babies and then quickly turned rotten. In The Word, Stephen exposed what someone else had already exposed about tutors and cheating. It's gotten to the point where you practically have to pack your tutor in your suitcase when you go to college so that he, or she, can continue to cheat for you and make sure that while you will perhaps enjoy the college experience, you won't learn anything. It just keeps going and going and going until one day a patient happens to wake up in surgery and hears this, "Nurse, pass the knifey thing."

Pity the Pollsters. Those people who call you during supper and ask all sorts of questions are still doing that even though the election is done. Public Policy Polling found that 49% of GOP voters nationally think ACORN stole the election for President Obama. This is incredible since ACORN ceased to exist two years ago!

Did Rick Santorum convince the Senate not to vote for disabled people all over the world? Or did he just nudge open the Pandora's Box and they would have voted that way anyway? Even Bob Dole showed up, in a wheelchair, to urge the Senate to vote on the treaty. They thanked him and then voted No.

The show almost came to a screeching halt, but luckily, Stephen was allowed to pass (courtesy of a former guest this week) and go over to greet (?) his guest. Stephen is nimble, I will admit. Oh, yes, his guest was Andy Serkis. He plays the part of Gollum and I was quite surprised to see what makeup and good lighting on the set of The Colbert Report can do. Andy Serkis looks handsome. His hair isn't straggly at all. His ears and hands don't look as large as they are in the movie. If it's true that clothes make the man, well, he sure proves it. And he's taller than I thought he would be. I thought I would be a little bit put off by him, but he's not even that scary or strange.

As a real treat for the viewers and audience, Stephen had a clip from the movie The Hobbit showing Bilbo and Gollum. This was great because we got to see a little of the movie for free and also because when we do see the movie in the theaters, when this part comes on, we can run out quickly for some more popcorn! We already know what happens so we won't miss a thing.

And Stephen disappeared, just as magically as he had first appeared. That is some kind of ring!

Hobbits Can Hold Their Own

Stephen was blowing smoke rings. Well, not rings actually, but, something that reminded me of the letter "C". I think it had to be special effects or maybe he is just that talented.

Do you trust your gut? Maybe you do now, but as you get older, statistically you are less likely to listen to your gut. (Stephen went somewhere with this line of thought, and for once, I saw it coming.) Yes sometimes older people will believe anything you tell them.

Are you a man who suffers from Low-T? In the old days, that was known as getting older. Stephen told us about a wonderful (sort of ) product to treat Low-T. It does not have a side effect. It does have dozens of side effects though. You need to make sure you don't get any of the special gel on your lady friend or on your kids. You also need to make sure you wash the bottle that the gel came in after you have handled it. And then you need to wash the sink handles. Or take Stephen's suggestion and just have a steady supply of fresh sink handles in a basket next to the sink. Remember, you need to be sure to have no contact with women after using this product that will help with the Low-T problem.

Are you a woman who suffers from Lot-T? What? T for women? I thought that was just for men. In fact, I thought that was part of what made them different. Well, 11-41% of women suffer from a certain disorder. Stephen calls it Low-O (trademarked) and claims that at those rates, it is either very rare or perfectly normal. Funny thing, it actually is the same stuff that treats Low-T.

Stephen took just a few minutes to make a trans-Atlantic call to Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge. She is, as Stephen put it, preggers. Since she has been hospitalized with severe morning sickness, Stephen wanted to cheer her up a bit. I can report that she was seemingly at a loss for words and was not able to respond with clear answers to his question. I'm sure as the weeks and months go by, Stephen will check in with Kate periodically.

And then the highlight of the show. Excuse me... After the thrill of seeing Stephen, then the highlight of the show was Martin Freeman. He is Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit. You may also have seen him in Sherlock, starring Benedict Cumberbatch as a modern day Sherlock Holmes and Martin Freeman as Dr. John Watson. Or you may have seen him in the British version of The Office as Tim Canterbury.  But for tonight, he played himself. Tonight's interview was actually more of a fast-paced conversation between two witty men, each trying to get in the best line while seemingly not trying to do anything other than chat. Some of the questions and comments thrown around were, "Are you bored?' and "There is now a Lego Bilbo," and "Dragons are inherently sexy," and "Hobbits can hold their own." Even the best of writers would have a difficult task to try to weave all those statements into a coherent dialogue.

And yet, it was very coherent and I thought quite charming and entertaining. I enjoyed the show a lot tonight. I hope you were able to watch it on the TV machine, or else that you will be able to catch it over at Colbert Nation online. It is Hobbit Week all this week so stay tuned.

Psy Meet Bill O'Reilly

On my December 3 post I forgot to put a link for Psy. Here's a link now that has so much more than just Psy singing and dancing. Scroll down to the December 01, 2012 post: Bill O'Reilly Doesn't "Get" Gangnam Style - Hilariously.

You will get to see Psy plus clips from Psy on other shows, such as SNL, plus wonderful commentary. And they say that Truth is stranger than Fiction. Yes it is, little pony, yes it is.

Thanks to Ruben Bolling for adding a bit of brightness to my day.

The Hobbit All Week Long

There is no greater fan than Stephen Colbert and so it is fitting that all this week it is Hobbit Week on The Colbert Report. You would not believe what the studio looks like!

But first a word about New York. Recently New York was in the news because they had a day without any murders. That is wonderful. Please try to keep doing that New York. However, there are some Grand political parties that use fear of crime to get votes for their candidates. Too bad, keep up the good work, New York.

Something that many of us know even if we don't talk about it is that the 18 to 34 year old demographic is the most important. That's what everyone is paying attention to and catering to. But there are actually people who are older than that. And at some point, housing becomes an issue with them. They can't really stay in a house and manage all the upkeep and repair and maintenance. But they are much too active and healthy to go into a nursing home. The perfect solution is Granny Pod. It's a miniature house that you can put in the backyard. That way Granny is close by and yet still can live independently. It runs about 12 foot by 24 foot, so really generous by fish house standards.

For those who can't afford the price (you won't believe how much it costs), Stephen has his own version. It's a Pee-Paw Crate. It's small enough to put on top of the car roof for vacationing and even comes with a water drip bottle that attaches to the Pee-Paw Crate.

So, The Hobbit. Stephen's first guest for Hobbit Week was none other than Sir Ian McKellen. One of the first things Stephen did was demonstrate his really cool Wizard trick. It was impressive. Sir Ian has a 50 year career in acting, but finally he got something good. (humorous comment by Stephen) Sir Ian is also into politics and is a gay rights advocate. He makes it seem heroic.

Over at Sir Ian McKellen's website, on the activism page, I found this, "Clergy can pronounce on anything, politicians on everything, but actors should stick to acting. I've been on occasion lambasted for expressing my views by the very journalists who have enquired about them!"

After watching the show tonight, I thought of a great idea. Stephen should be on one of the many trivia game shows on TV. The only category allowed would be The Hobbit. Stephen would win every time! He has an amazing store of facts in his head about all things Hobbit.

Je Ne Sais Quoi

I don't know what that means, but Stephen said it on last Thursday's show and it sounded cool and dare I say it, sexy.

I know I am late getting this posted, but since last Thursday's show I have been waving my hands through molasses. Sadly, I am no closer to understanding Higgs Boson. Luckily, that means I am in the same intellectual company as Stephen, so hurray for me. Stephen's guest was  Sean Carroll. You can learn more about him over at PreposterousUniverse. It's a neat website, you can learn a lot about stuff and see his latest book, "The Particle at the End of the Universe: How the Hunt for the Higgs Boson Leads Us to the Edge of a New World." Sean Carroll is a really smart individual (smarter than Stephen if you can believe that) but he seems like just a normal guy.

We learned that "God Particle" is not necessarily a good name for the Higgs Boson. That is more of a marketing ploy, used to show how important the particle is. By the way, it is very tiny, smaller than half an ant, smaller than a grain of rice, really really small. Over in Switzerland, they speed up the particles very fast. On a scale of 1 to Speed of Light, it's 99.999% the speed of light, so yes, fast. This cost about $9 billion but it's worth it because it made scientists happy.

There was more explanation, including talking about waving your hands through air and through molasses. Stephen said he is intellectually hydroplaning over the explanation, not because he is incapable of understanding it, but because obviously Sean Carroll is bad at explaining things. Go buy the book, read it and then explain it to Stephen and me.

Back to the beginning of the show where I really should have started. Boeing says that now that gay marriage (marriage equality) is legal in the state of Washington, they have plans to deny at least some benefits to married gay couples. University of Colorado will have segregated dorms for those with gun permits. So far, no one has signed up to live in that dorm. There is that old Mayan prediction that on December 31, 2012, the year will end. Time will tell. Stephen has a list of his favorite numbers which conveniently rearranges numbers making his book #1 best seller even though it's not. Go buy Stephen's book this week. You know you're going to buy it eventually, make Stephen happy and make his book #1 (the real #1). Note: In honor of a current bestseller book, Stephen had a tribute to Bill O'Reilly. It was touching.

Here's something else you can do. Go over here and vote for Stephen to make him #1. There is someone from South Korea who is better than him. It's not Rain, it's Psy! Go vote. Let's make Stephen #1.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Well, I didn't win. Not that I wanted to. Stephen won, or at least he was pretty sure he had won the huge Powerball drawing. His fantasies of the win went from sheer exuberance all the way to utter despair at spending his imagined winnings so quickly. Then he found out that he didn't win, and, luckily for all of us in the Colbert Nation, he went on with the show. Money can't buy you happiness.

First up on the show, Marriage. Polls show that while it used to be that men want to get married more than women do, now the reverse is true. More women want to get married than do men. That presents a problem in that there's not enough marrying men to go around. Here's what Suzanne Venker over at Fox News had to say about marriage.

"I've accidentally stumbled upon a subculture of men who've told me ... that they're never getting married. When I ask them why, the answer is always the same. Women aren't women anymore."

I've got some questions about all of this. First of all, where and how did she stumble upon this subculture? Who are these men in that subculture? Do they all actually say, "Women aren't women anymore?" And then I have some answers to the questions I just asked. If she stumbled, it was probably in a bar, that's where people usually stumble. The whole subculture and same answer thing. Well, it sort of goes in a circle. They are a subculture because they all had the same answer and yes they all said the same thing, that's what put them in the peculiar subculture. (How many men are you talking about anyway?)

 Stephen had advice for women. Stop voting. Stop talking. This is how to return to that feminine ideal and thus solve the marriage crisis. Most likely Suzanne Venker will now see the errors of her ways for being a writer and get out of that business and become a docile woman that is the marrying kind.

This should make everyone happy.

Not making people happy is the Filibuster. If you thought the majority party was in control, you were wrong. Here's some more information about Filibuster. Stephen talked about the good old days when you could filibuster by reading the actual phone book. Boring? Yes, but worth every dollar we are paying those Senators to stand up there and waste time while important legislation is being ignored. Why does Harry Reid want to monkey around with this? Mitch McConnell is not happy about what Harry Reid wants to do. He wants to keep the ability to obstruct everything and if he can't, then he will obstruct everything. (That's called win/win. Only the taxpayers, voters, citizens end up losing.)

On to the fun part of the show, Frank Oz. Stephen introduced him as the voice of Miss Piggy, Grover Fozzie, Animal and Yoda. Frank Oz pointed out that 90%, no, make that 92% of the character is the puppetry part. The voice is important, but much of what is done for the characters is the puppetry part. Being a puppetry artist allows someone like Oz to go out and buy pork and beans or do his laundry at a laundromat and still be sort of a regular guy. People aren't likely to look at him and think of Miss Piggy.

Did you know that Frank Oz directed "Little Shop of Horrors?" Well, yeah, you have been paying attention, so I suppose you know that. Stephen and Frank Oz discussed the movie a bit, especially the fact that originally the ending wasn't the typical "happily ever after" ending. People were loving the movie until it got to the end. Then, not so much. And so, the ending was changed and it was happily ever after. Now, there's a new release with... well... with the original ending. Ahhhhhh.

Stephen asked a very important question then. "Are you ever tempted to use your voices to get out of situations?" For example, if pulled over by a cop, would Frank Oz ever say something like, "Not speeding was I, Officer," in his best Yoda voice. No, Oz does not do that, or at least if he does, he did not fess up.

I'm worried about Stephen. He was elated about winning the Powerball, then sad, but then went on as if nothing was wrong. And he did well with the interview. But, when he signed off for the night with his usual cheery "Goodnight Everybody," he just didn't look like himself. I can't quite put my finger on it, but he seemed to have shrunk and lost weight and his eyes were kind of buggy and he seemed sort of mechanical. Something was different. I'll pull some strings and see if I can't get more information from an inside source.

Oz, Frank Oz

It's a good week over at The Colbert Report. Tonight's guest is Frank Oz. You most likely remember him from his roles in "The Blues Brothers," "Trading Places," and "Spies Like Us." But you might also know him as Miss Piggy, Grover, Yoda, Cookie Monster, and a host of other famous Muppets.

It should be a real interesting show tonight. Stephen and Frank Oz will most likely talk about "Little Shop of Horrors," but I could  also imagine Oz breaking into one of his character voices and causing Stephen to lose his train of thought if not his cool.

It will be interesting tonight. Stay tuned.

Neil Peart Drum Solo

This year, in Canada, Santa Claus is Rush. And that jingle up on the roof, that's Neil Peart doing a drum solo. (Feel free to drum along in unison with him.) I'm sure we will hear more about Christmas from Stephen as the special day gets closer.

Meanwhile, some words to throw out at you. Fiscal Cliff. Sequestration. Stephen was somewhat disappointed that just because Obama ran on the promise of raising taxes and just because he won the election, now he wants to raise taxes. On the show to talk about these problems and his book "Grand New Party," was Reihan Salam. And while they did talk money a bit, more importantly they discussed which was the Real America, Brooklyn or South Carolina.

Originally, I was going to name this post "Dreams Do Come True," but upon Googling that, I learned that it was the title of a song by Dolly Parton. Yes, Stephen's guest Dolly Parton! Upon remembering what Stephen had said when he introduced her, the part about being a song writer and writing over 3000 songs, I figured I had to come up with something that Dolly had not written a song about yet. Hopefully I succeeded.

Dolly did talk about her book, "Dream More," and she did talk about Imagination Library, and, (be still my beating heart) she and Stephen did sing a song together. Stephen played guitar also, and since he is so camera shy, it took a few takes for them to get going on the song. But is was wonderful to hear them sing together. I personally wonder if they won't end up going on tour together sometime in the future. If they do, remember, you heard it here first.

But I'm jumping ahead in the interview. Dolly Parton has 11 siblings and you probably know that Stephen has 10 siblings. What else could you expect from that than a sibling name-off. They both recited the names of their own siblings as fast as they could. I think Stephen won, but of course the winner could just be lucky enough to have siblings with shorter names. More research is needed to determine the real winner.

The two of them also discussed their families a little bit. Dolly suggested that Stephen probably was Catholic. Yes he is. She was right. She then volunteered a little bit of information about her family background and the reasoning behind her folks having so many kids.

Anyway, Stephen and Dolly sang, "Love is Like a Butterfly." As I mentioned, Stephen was a bit nervous to sing with Dolly, but she coaxed him along and they made a lovely duo.

Dolly Parton

Tonight's guest is Dolly Parton. I'm excited about that. She probably won't be singing a duet with Stephen, although that would be a treat. (Hey, maybe I'm wrong and we'll all be pleasantly surprised!)

She has a new book out, "Dream More," hitting the bookstores today! What a coincidence. Actually it's probably planned that these two events, Dolly Parton's book coming out and Dolly Parton being on The Colbert Report, both happen today. That's kind of the meaning of coincidence - two things happening together. Happens all the time.

So, watch tonight to see Dolly Parton and hear about her new book. I'm hoping she will also talk about Imagination Library.

Lemur

Yes, another cute animal over at bing. Go look and stay for a while, the lemur comes to life and starts moving a bit. This bing video is quite seamless, no obvious stops and starts unless you watch very closely. Lemurs are usually found only on the island of Madagascar, and of course in some zoos.

Why doesn't Stephen ever have any animal guests on the show? Yeah, I know occasionally he will have a turkey but he should consider in-depth interviews with some of our furry or feathered or scaly friends. It would add some exciting zing to the show.

Update: Well now it's a new day and so you have to use the left arrow at bottom of screen to go back to the Lemur. But while you are on today's bing page, let me just say, kids, don't try this at home. 

Pope? Nope!

Stephen acknowledged that all important American mainstay, Black Friday. He is somewhat worried that it is being ruined by commercialism. I hope not, I sincerely hope not.

In  "Judge, Jury and Executioner" we learn about Copyright Law. Copyright Law is quite simple and straightforward. In fact, it's so easy, even a caveman.... oops I better not say that, it might be copyrighted. Anyway, there's this case going on now, Supap Kirtsaeng v. Wiley & Sons. Supap buys textbooks in Thailand where they are cheap and sells them here on ebay for a hefty profit. But is it legal? That is yet to be determined. In the meantime, will this mean everything on ebay is at risk? What about stuff you have that you want to resell at a garage sale. It's complicated and it means Stephen had to make a call, on-air, to Elvis Costello to get his permission to resell an Elvis Costello album at an upcoming garage sale, and to negotiate a split in the profits. I hope I can make it to Stephen's garage sale. Sting is going to be the cashier!

Thanksgiving is over. Christmas is just around the corner. You know what that means. Fox News will be starting in on their favorite topic, the War on Christmas. Which means it's time on The Colbert Report for "The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude."

Someone is spoiling Stephen's Christmas spirit and you will not believe who it is. The Pope. Yes, that Pope, Pope Benedict. Here's what Pope Benedict is saying to ruin Stephen's Christmas.

Jesus was really born earlier than we have been led to believe. Angels did not sing about the birth of the baby Jesus, they just spoke about it. There weren't animals sitting around by the manger.

Stephen could easily win a debate with the Pope with these simple words from The Little Drummer Boy.

Mary nodded.
Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum.
The ox and lamb kept time.
Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum.

Yep, the ox and lamb are the rhythm section. What more proof does anyone need? So all this stuff according to the Pope is not in the Bible. Stephen showed what a biblical scholar he is with this simple gotcha tactic. "Know what else isn't in the Bible? The Pope!"

Stephen's guest was Jake Tapper, White House corespondent for ABC News. He also has a book out, "The Outpost: An Untold Story of American Valor." With this book it becomes a Told story. The outpost is in Afghanistan and it seems like a sort of Catch 22 in that the base is there to protect itself so that it can be there. It does sound like a very interesting book, so go out and buy it.

In Brief

Here's the short version, the highlights of what I missed when I was away from civilization, i.e. a place where The Colbert Report was not on the TV machine.

For one thing, Stephen suggested that Doris Kearns Goodwin was friendly, very friendly with Lincoln. He also took the opportunity to suggest that viewers purchase his books. (I have already purchased most of his books and I'm still working my way through "I Am a Pole And So Can You.")

There was a wonderful discussion of Super PACs. Karl Rove's Super PAC elected 1.29% -- can that be correct??? --- of the candidates they he spent big money on. His donors are kind of pissed.

Stephen had a Super PAC. He's a little bit worried about the fallout and so he blamed any problems on Jon Stewart who had control of the Super PAC for only one week. Jon showed up to complain but didn't stick around for long. However, friend of the show Trevor Potter did show up and as usual he had wonderful news for Stephen. Again with just simple forms or signed letters, Stephen is able to take advantage of great legal ideas and abracadabra! Stephen has the leftover money (we're talking something like $800,000) free and clear with no strings attached. No one need ever know.

I have got to get me a Super PAC.

Ken Burns was on to talk about two of his documentaries, "The Dust Bowl" and "The Central Park Five." Ken Burns said of the Dust Bowl that it was "bad" and that Oklahoma begged for the big federal government to come to Oklahoma and help them with the problem in their state. The Central Park Five is about waiting for justice to be served and about Ken Burns saying No to someone.

Moving on to another episode, Stephen had his "Who's Attacking Me Now?" segment. Turns out it's Canada's Maple Stream media. Apparently, they are upset with something Stephen said in his book "America Again."(Note: good Christmas gift.) In a CBC news poll, though, 76.64% of poll takers said Stephen's mention of Windsor, Canada thought it was good for the city. So, I don't see why they would complain. "You're welcome Windsor. You just got the Colbert Bump," said Stephen. No matter what Stephen says about you, in the end, it's going to be good.

Tony Kushner, screenwriter for the Lincoln movie, stopped by to talk about old Uncle Pennyface. He seemed to agree with Doris Kearns Goodwin and remarked that Lincoln had huge feet. I think we can all agree that Lincoln was a great president.

Whew, briefly, I'm caught up with most of the episodes. Just in time for tonight!

A Spit of Tea

Stephen was, to put it mildly, surprised that now that the 2012 election is all over, done, history, the pundits are, believe it or not, already talking about who is going to run for president in 2016.

Stephen's comment was something like, "Ptuuuuiiii," but with hot tea hitting his desk as the liquid rushed out of his mouth. 2016??? Who is running in 2016???? I offer Stephen my sympathy. People want to go back to the normal humdrum of life for at least a little while. Enough already with election forecasts.

So, on a more festive note, Happy Diwali! Here's a brief article about Diwali over at national Geographic Kids.

In what could be considered controversial material, Stephen had a clip of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor on Sesame Street. She and one of the girl characters were talking about careers. The girl wanted to be a princess. Justice Sotomayor, tried to point her away from being a princess which is more of a "pretend" career and into something that requires education and training and skills. Eventually, the little girl decides that the life of a Supreme Court Justice is the career path for her.

Thankfully, Stephen has done his research. In the entire history of the Supreme Court, only four women have made it onto the bench. (You'd think they could afford comfortable chairs, but no, it's a bench, at least that's what I keep hearing about judges.) The four women who have been or currently are on SCOTUS are Sandra Day O'Connor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan.

Stephen's guest last night, and yes it was a repeat episode, so it wasn't actually last night, was Newt. Oops, my bad. His guest was Newt Gingrich, former presidential contender. So Stephen and Newt have that in common. His latest book, Victory at Yorktown, is about a guy named George Washington, who therefore has something in common with Stephen and Newt, except that this guy actually was successful in his bid to become president.

In keeping on the theme of elections, Stephen asked for Newt's analysis of the election that just happened, the one where Barack Obama won re-election and Mitt Romney was defeated. Newt replied, "We were wrong."

Note: If  "Spit of Tea" is not to your liking, you can view "Spot of Tea" over here.

I'm Melting, I'm Melting

Hopefully Stephen will never have to say this. You see, he's made out of wax! If you don't believe me, just look here to learn about Stephen and immortality. Someone just has to make sure that the air conditioning is always on the Cool setting.

(To those who wondered why there have been no posts this week, would you believe there are places where you can't watch The Colbert Report? I nearly went out of my mind. But thankfully, I am back and will be catching up on posting.)

Kristallnacht

Just a reminder that the Night of Broken Glass happened November 9-10, 1938 in Germany and parts of Austria. Oddly enough, with dates written in Europe, that would be 9-11. You can Google Kristallnacht and find many YouTube videos with information about this event.

It's Art, It's Lousy Art

Stephen shared with us his "I'm With Mitt" photos. It was a great summary of Election Night minus the fireworks.

Do you know any Difference Makers? I'm sure you do, but none quite like Steven Dick, Jr. He owes a ton of back taxes but refused to pay them because New York tax law has an exemption (according to Dick) for his type of business establishment. Stephen presented a mini-documentary that was a wonderful mixture of legal information along with musical and dramatic performances.

Contrary to what was published in "The New England Journal of When Harry Met Sally," men and women can't be just friends. Harry was right and Sally was wrong. Stephen shared his thoughts about the 700,000 women viewers who watch his show.

Thursday night's guest was Rachel Maddow of "The Rachel Maddow Show" fame. She was one of the newscasters who stayed up late on Election Night to report the results. "What was it like?" asked Stephen. Well, Rachel admitted that she had pudding brain after not having enough sleep. When Ohio was called for Obama and Obama had won re-election, they were caught off guard, they weren't expecting it to happen then.

Stephen commented that the folks over at Fox seemed more freaked out than the folks at msnbc seemed elated. Probably the folks over at msnbc were simply reporting the news fairly and balanacedly, so no emotion needed.  We also find out that predicting the outcome of an election based on enthusiastic crowds is a lousy way to predict elections.

One thing that Stephen respects is the way Rachel Maddow can deconstruct the news. She mixes it up a bit and then reconstructs the news. According to Stephen this ends up being a conservative killing machine.

Stephen plugged Rachel Maddow's book "Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power." But not before discussing his view of how hurricanes are spawned. I don't think Rachel Maddow believed his fuzzy science.

It's My Party

I think I know why Stephen was so sad last night. There was a party, a party that he should have been invited to and he wasn't. It was the celebration party for Mitt Romney. Admittedly, it wasn't much of a celebration, but if Stephen had been invited, he would have been able to cheer up everyone that was there. He's just that kind of a fellow.

Anyway, here's some news about the party. Maybe next time, he'll get invited.

232-365-4789

Can the dreaded Wind Turbine Syndrome infect my computer? I don't know, but Stephen did talk about Wind Turbine Syndrome last night.

Here's why I am so concerned. My computer has been acting up lately. I type a word correctly and yet it shows up incorrectly on my screen. I know I'm not making mistakes because why would I type it wrong?

The only explanation is a computer virus. And computers are somewhat technical. And Wind Turbines are somewhat technical. And there are wind turbines near where I live, not real close, but if I drive for a while, eventually I do see some.

Now for the clinker. I got a phone call from the Technical Department of, and here's where I have to be vague. I couldn't understand the woman. I had to ask her a few times to repeat what she said. "From IT." Oh, the Information Technology Geeks. Why was she asking if my computer was working or not? Did she know my computer had the dreaded Wind Turbine Syndrome? I was getting worried so I asked more questions, probing questions. And you know what? She.... hung.... up.... on....me!!!!!

Why would she call and then hang up when I started asking her questions? Well, here's one possible explanation:

FTC helps slow tech support scam; don't give remote computer access. You might want to click on the photo of that old lady (yes I said old lady, she's 101) and hear what they did with con artists back in the day.

The number on the Caller ID was 232-365-4789. There was nothing for a company name, just dashes. If they were legitimate they would have a company name on the Caller ID. Even then I wouldn't necessarily trust them. All they have to do is make up a name and lie about it.

So, I wonder if that's who called, some scammer. My gut feeling? Yep. They were looking for someone to scam.

I'm suspicious of anyone that calls me: "Mom? How do I know you're really my mom? Quick tell me what my dog's name is."

"Honey, you don't have a dog."

"Good answer, how ya doin' today Mom? Is that arthritis acting up again?"

So be wary of anyone that calls out of the blue with get rich schemes, or asking for charity donations, or telling you to quick do something, or offering to fix something for you. Don't give out account numbers or personal information or anything else. You can also stall and say tell me more, send me literature, let me talk to your supervisor.

If they hang up on you, consider yourself yucky. I mean lucky.

(Oops, I figured out my typing skills are getting rusty. I don't actually have a computer virus.)

For Your Amusement

Stephen was depressed tonight. He was dressed in a bathrobe and baseball cap, and he ignored the audience while eating popcorn and watching TV. Nothing could change his attitude or actions except a careful reading of his contract that a guy in a suit (lawyer????) showed him.

Obama is still the winner. We are beginning to find out the reasons for his election win. Apparently, and this is true because Papa Bear said so, 50% of  the American public want stuff. Obama will give them stuff and so they voted for Obama.

Are you aware that there were irregularities in the voting? For one thing, the East Coast got to vote up to three hours earlier than some of the other (West Coast) states! Also, some voters, typically those who were likely to vote for Obama, received phone calls, even robocalls, telling them that they could vote by phone or that they could vote on the day after Election Day. Ooh man, they were punked!

If you don't have enough to worry about, here's something you need to know. Wind Turbine Syndrome. You can catch diseases, up to 155 different things, by being near wind turbines. You can even get it by hearing someone talk about it. Thanks, Stephen, you just talked about it. Now we're all going to get some sort of sickness or disease or condition. Even now I'm suffering from insomnia.

Steven's guest was Doris Kearns Goodwin. She likes presidents, all of them -- the living ones, the dead ones, the fat ones, the funny ones -- she just can't get enough of these men. Her latest book is "Lincoln - Team of Rivals." You know the drill. Go buy the book.

Election 2012: A Nation Votes, Ohio Decides; The Re-Presidenting of America: Who Will Replace Obama? '012!

I'm still elated or tired or sad by the election results. I don't remember. Stephen wished his mom a Happy Birthday. He interviewed Andrew Sullivan who told us that Mitt Romney lost because he didn't appeal to moderates. And Stephen told us the sad news that Barack Obama was re-elected.

We Won! We Won!

I accurately predicted that almost half of the candidates would win and I was right. Yeah yeah I know. In any group of races one person will win and one will not. And yes, there are more than just two candidates for some offices, but by and large, half of those candidates running will win. So I can claim to have predicted something that was sort of accurate about the election. I take credit where credit is due. Next time I will actually name names. That would give a certain validity to my predictions.

In order to know who won, I had to stay up late, very late. So late that the bakers were already at the bakery baking and the night watchmen were on their last walk through the art gallery. What that means is that I didn't get to watch the wonderful election coverage from Stephen. Don't tell me how it ends. I do have it on TiVo. I'll watch this afternoon and then I'll write about the election coverage.

What I did want to mention though is a certain guest on The Colbert Report accurately predicted who would win the White House. (Spoiler Alert --- The winner was Barack Obama.)

The guest - Nate Silver.

Now, as Stephen says, go buy his book. Just one thing though. No one can say why sales have soared by 800 percent. Was it the election result or was it the Colbert Bump? You be the judge.

86.3%

GO VOTE!

That's how Stephen ended the show. But let me start at the beginning.

Of course you all know about the Colbert Super PAC, Building a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow. Well who do you think said this?

"We can begin a better tomorrow, tomorrow." Oh, you won't believe who it was. Stephen seemed pleased, ("He used our slogan!") but I can tell you, I am steamed. Stephen made up that slogan and it belongs to the Colbert Super PAC and all the fine folks over at Colbert Nation and to the The Colbert Report. So here's who said it: Mitt Romney.

Really, plagiarism, that's how it's going to be? That does it. I'm going against all the conservative ideas Stephen has been preaching all these years and endorsing Barack Obama. There. I said it. Stephen has worked so hard every hour of every day building his Colbert Super PAC. Now to have the slogan, well the last four words of it, used in a speech by someone else,... well forgive me if I cry on my computer and make the words run off the screen.

Whew, deep breath, calm down. Okay. I'm feeling better. Maybe not that big of a deal. Moving on.

Stephen did a somber impression of Maya Angelou and then a more upbeat impression of Kid Rock. They are sort of the poets for each of the presidential campaigns. You decide which poet belongs to which candidate. Stephen also mentioned an excellent documentary that CNN did on bears a few years back. I missed that documentary but it sounded like it was quite informative.

Sasha Issenberg chatted with Stephen briefly and told him what was a very surprising piece of information. Based on everything that is known about Stephen Colbert, there is a 94% chance that he will support Obama. Now you know why polls and surveys and predictions can be so "iffy." Everyone knows Stephen Colbert is a conservative. And he's supporting Obama! Wow - do fish swim? Is the Pope Catholic? I could go on, but you get the idea. Stephen Colbert votes for Obama. Please. Really, please.

Tomorrow is the... The Election. The race is "razor tight" according to nearly everyone. With that said, Stephen talked about his upcoming guest, Nate Silver, New York Times Polling Jedi and author of the Five Thirty Eight blog. In 2008, Nate Silver correctly predicted 49 out of 50 states.

One of the first things Stephen said is that even a stopped clock is right 98% of the time. So, a good introduction to percentages. Nate Silver is now predicting that Barack Obama has a 86.3% chance of being re-elected! He is so sure of it that he even had a famous bet with Joe Scarborough about the outcome of the presidential election.

Stephen, along with many other people, is skeptical of Nate Silver's predictions. In fact, this is what Stephen said on the subject:

"I am not the only one tarnishing Silver's sterling reputation."

(I'll wait while you let that clever quote sink in. Stephen was oh-so-pleased with himself.)

So, Nate Silver was on. He was on four years ago and received the famous "Colbert Bump" and since then has a pretty cushy job over at New York Times. Most likely thanks to Stephen. Nate has a book out, looks quite interesting if you judge a book by its cover and also by the words inside. The book is, "the signal and the noise: why so many predictions fail --- but some don't." No, I was not too lazy to capitalize the words. They are all in lowercase on the book cover. I think that means the book is more down to earth and not as uppity as some people's books are. So, again, it sounds like a good book.

Stephen ended the show with these words:

GO VOTE!

Sound advice. Be sure to vote tomorrow. The lines my be long. But this is important. Your family is counting on you to vote. Your country is counting on you to vote. And Stephen Colbert is counting on you to vote. Don't make him cry.

Presidential Coverage

First of all, more exciting than you can imagine, Nate Silver, yes, THE Nate Silver will be Stephen's guest on The Colbert Report tonight. I am so pumped I can hardly sit still. The night before the Presidential Election and Stephen is able to grab Nate Silver. We will have the most influential person in the world interviewing the most knowledgeable political guru in the world. Buy Nate's book. Also, you can visit his blog, Five Thirty Eight. Does it get any better?

Apparently, yes, it will. Tomorrow night there will election coverage. Not just election coverage, but ELECTION COVERAGE.

First will be "Election Night 2012: This Ends Now." That is Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Next will be "Election 2012: A Nation Votes, Ohio Decides; The Re-Presidenting of America: Who Will Replace Obama? '012!" That of course is Stephen Colbert with The Colbert Report.

If that isn't good enough for you, both shows will be simulcast on MTV's Times Square JumboTron as well as some live streaming. Find out more here and remember, please don't leave "garbage" in Times Square.

Around the Corner

You need more diversion. You need something educational, cultural, amazing and corny. I have just the thing for you. This is what Special Effects  used to look like. It's about nine and a half minutes long but it is really neat.

I can honestly say, "This is different. Or should I say, differential"?

Gangnam Style

Are you getting a little weary of the Presidential Election? It will be over soon (I hope). In the meantime, how about a little diversion and something completely different? Here's something from The Ellen Show.

Gangnam Style Mom and Son
Mike and Laura Song dance to Gangnam Style. You know they're good. Otherwise , Ellen would not have invited them to be on The Ellen DeGeneres Show!

Enjoy.

They Wear Denim

Sad news that Stephen reported last night. He had to, and this was hard for him to say, ride the bus to work. There were members of the public, people, also on the bus. And they were wearing denim, lots of denim.Hopefully, things will get back to normal soon.

Stephen had a Tip of the Finger, no a Wag of the Hat, no, it was either a Tip of the Hat or a Wag of the Finger for Memoto. That's a small camera that you can wear on your person. It takes a photo every 30 seconds. Wow. This is great. I can't believe humans have evolved as much as they have without this clever device before. Your life in pictures, everything you do all day long. And hey, don't worry about someone else taking photos that seem somewhat invasive of other people's privacy. It says on their website not to take inappropriate pictures, so problem solved.

Stephen did note that if he had had this Memoto earlier this year, he could have captured the beginning and the end of Tim Pawlenty's presidential election in two pictures.

Here's something that pundits have been talking about since Mitt Romney started running for president. I don't have that exact date that Mitt Romney started running for president, but that isn't important here. What is important is whether or not Mitt's Mormon religion will turn some voters away.

Luckily, Billy Graham stepped up to the plate at just the right moment. Whereas Mormons used to be on Billy Graham's Cult List, the Mormon religion or Latter Day Saints, has been removed recently and they are no longer a Cult in Billy Graham's humble opinion. Stephen called this a miracle. Billy Graham is now pledging to do all he can to help Romney.

David Byrne and St. Vincent were the guests last night. They had a lively discussion, with Stephen happy to point out the vast difference in the age of those two. So, it's not as if he called David Byrne old. I would imagine you might just say he is youth-challenged. One of the first thing the three of them did was to figure out a way to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. It was a very interesting approach, partly because the hurricane caused the predicament that would then become the means of raising money. That Stephen Colbert has such great ideas.

Stephen asked both of them if being artists and musicians made them feel like they missed out on the opportunity to be ordinary. But both David Byrne and St. Vincent, or Annie as Stephen called her, claimed to believe that they were just ordinary folk.

Finally, time for some music. And as usual some bonus music on the web at Colbert Nation.

Grace and Grit

First of all, donate to the Red Cross. That was the first thing on Stephen's mind as he finally was able to broadcast the show. You can text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to the American Red Cross to aid in their relief efforts for all the people affected by Hurricane Sandy.

Stephen also gave a big shout-out to the nurses, or heroes as he calls them, who evacuated 20 newborns from NYU Langone Medical Center, carrying them down the stairs while holding flashlights to see. Also a big thank-you to the worker who was in a tree cutting down branches with a chainsaw so that the branches would not fall and cause further damage.

"In a tree with a chainsaw - safest place to be in a hurricane." Stephen knows his hurricane preparedness!

Also Stephen heaped praise on Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, for his tireless efforts to get help for the people in his state also hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. (It's sadly ironic that Sandy will also be known for all the sand it has moved around, sand that doesn't flow back to sea after the storm is over.)

Stephen talked briefly about Mitt Romney's sudden change of events. No longer was he going to campaign in Ohio. Now he was going to have a charity event. Not necessarily helpful.

Providing in-depth commentary to all the recent events about Hurricane Sandy was R.E.M. member and The Colbert Report studio statuette, Michael Stipe. It was refreshing to get his perspective.

Interestingly enough, Mitt Romney has said prior to Hurricane Sandy that he believes States rather than FEMA should provide disaster help. Yes, agreed Stephen. After all, "Who better to respond to what's going on inside its own borders that the state whose infrastructure has just been swept out to sea?" And in a Romney administration, Paul Ryan will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots.


In these time of trial we always have Donald Trump's Twitter Feed. You may remember his offer of $5 Million Dollars to Charity? He has extended the deadline a few hours. In appreciation, Stephen has extended his deadline on his own offer to Donald Trump. Stephen called Donald's offer a "heartwarming act of extortion lost in Hurricane Sandy suffering.

Again, Stephen suggests we all give generously to the Red Cross.

Stephen's guest last night was Lilly Ledbetter. Stephen is so generous to his guests that she got to stay in a total of three hotels since she came to New York on Sunday. They talked about her struggle to get equal pay for equal work. The story is all in her book and interestingly enough, the first law Barack Obama signed is named after her. Go out and buy Grace and Grit My Fight for Equal Pay and Fairness at Goodyear and Beyond. Then read it to find out what she and Stephen were talking about.

Final time for the night. Text RED CROSS to 90999.

Text REDCROSS to 90999

Stephen's final advice for the night was to Text REDCROSS to 90999 to help with Disaster Relief from Hurricane Sandy.

Tomorrow I'll write more about tonight's show, but I have been out for 7 hours trick-or-treating and I am so tired. I'll be rested tomorrow and will have candy to sustain me for a long, long time.

Abandoned House, Or Is It?

There is a photo of an "abandoned house in Ontario" today over at bing. Go take a look, if you dare, and then keep watching. Abandoned? I don't think so!!!

Bwahahahaha!!!!!

???????????????????????????????????????

On a more practical note, it looks like The Colbert Report is on track to be on tonight. The guest will be Lilly Ledbetter. Do your homework and prepare for tonight's show by looking at the Lilly Ledbetter website and reading about the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. Do one thing today that is NOT scary.

Google Halloween

Time for a little diversion. Head over to Google for the scary Google Doodle. A cat, a crow, a dancing skeleton and something behind the noisy doors.

Last year I told you about this. If you haven't visited Ben & Jerry's Halloween pages recently, head over their now.

And just to mention in case you haven't been paying attention, Red Cross needs your donations for Hurricane Sandy assistance.

Canceled Again

Nation, tonight's episode of The Colbert Report is canceled due to Hurricane Sandy. If you reserved tickets for tonight, please check your email for further details.

Again, that is what is over at ColbertNation.com about Tonight's Taping. Tonight's rerun will therefore be with Mitch Daniels. He wrote a book that reminds Stephen of an excellent book written by someone else. Read my post here about Mitch Daniels and find out who wrote that excellent other book. Hint: The other book is about America and Greatness.

But if you are at a loss of what to do if you don't want to watch a rerun of The Colbert Report, here's a list of suggestions.

1.First of all, go over to RedCross.org and donate some money to help victims of Hurricane Sandy.

2. Read all my posts at The Colbert Bump, starting with the first one.

3. Donate blood. "Hurricane Sandy has forced the cancellation of approximately 300 American Red Cross blood drives in 14 states along the East Coast, resulting in a shortfall of nearly 9,000 units of blood and platelets thus far." Go to the American Red Cross Website to find out how you can become a blood donor. You'll get a free cookie! There's great information about first-time donors, eligibility requirements, and even a Search for blood drives by Zip Code.

4. Go over to bing and look at cute Arctic fox cub.

5. Get out your To Do List and do some of the jobs on it.

6. Read books by Stephen Colbert:
Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen
I Am America (And So Can You)
I Am a Pole (And So Can You)
America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't

7. Write an actual letter on paper to someone you haven't seen in a while, put it in an actual envelope with correct address on it, put actual postage stamp on it, and mail it.

8. Start a new hobby. Might I suggest Juggling!!! Watch the video and you will be able to juggle in no time at all. Blue shows how it's done.

9. Take the dog for a walk. Good exercise for you and a real treat for the dog.

10. Find out about the local elections in your area. Yes we have a presidential election, but there are also state, county, city, school elections on the ballot as well as questions, amendments, and other important stuff. Election day is Tuesday, November 6. Go to your polling place and vote on Tuesday. I'm sure Stephen will talk about the elections in the coming days.

Of course, you can always just watch The Colbert Report tonight as usual. Even if you have seen it before, it is fascinating, informative and at times even humorous.

Due to Weather...

Nation, tonight's episode of The Colbert Report is canceled due to Hurricane Sandy. If you reserved tickets for tonight, please check your email for further details.

That's what you saw over at ColbertNation.com yesterday. And it was a repeat show, or encore episode on TV last night. Why? If you haven't been paying attention, it's because of Hurricane Sandy.

Okay, you know the drill. When something like this happens, you reach into your wallet and just take out a five or ten dollar bill and send it on to the Red Cross. Or better yet and easier, just go over to RedCross.org and donate online. You know Stephen would want you to do it, so make Stephen happy.

It looks like the show is on again as regularly scheduled and the guest will be Former Senator Al Simpson. Now here's something that I kind of want to crow about, but I also feel a little guilty pointing it out. Perhaps the last person out of the studio before the weather got so bad did not have time to check the website over at ColbertNation.com as closely as they usually do.

There's a teeny tiny teeny tiny error. It says that Al Simpson is former Senator of Wisconsin, but actually he is the former Senator from Wyoming. Both states' names contain the letters that spell out WIN, so it's easy to see how there could be this little mix-up. It's not a big deal. I'm sure it will still be Al Simpson on the show talking about his book, "Shooting from the Lip: The Life of Senator Al Simpson."

So, looking forward to Tuesday night's show and clearing up the Wisconsin/Wyoming kerfuffle. Also planning on donating to Red Cross even before Stephen urges us to. I'm sure Jon Stewart will talk about that, too. He can be a nice guy, same as Stephen is.

Huckabee Called Me

Okay, it wasn't really him, it was his Robot. That's because it was a robocall and I think only Robots are allowed to make robocalls. It was a few weeks ago that Huckabee's Robot called me. It was supposedly some survey. I was wondering whether I should respond when Huckabee's Robot repeated the question again. Well, golly. Give me some time to think!

After a little bit more of this, Huckabee's Robot just told me to listen to Huckabee's (real person, not Robot) radio show. Listen up, Robot. I don't watch radio. And I get all my news and commentary from The Colbert Report. After all, Stephen Colbert is known around the world for Truthiness. So, you're not going to get me to fall for your spiel, especially when you can't even call me in person.

If you want to know if Huckabee's Robot has called you, here is the Caller ID information"

2012 FREERSRCH
202-769-1087

I don't have any idea what Huckabee's Robot looks like, but I'm thinking it probably is something like this.

You Said it Was For Charity

First of all, and most importantly, who will decide this election? Women. But, enough about that.It's time for Stephen Ghoulbert's Spooky-time Halloween Fun Guide. This should be good and just in time for Halloween.

All You Need
1. Big Bowl of Candy
2. Big Bowl of Razor Blades - This will prove that there are no razor blades in the bowl of candy. Makes perfect sense.

Ding Dong. Who's at the door? More importantly, why is there a front door on the set right next to Stephen's desk? Where did that come from? And who could it be? Could it be Clint Eastwood? Could it be Donald Trump? Could it be a BEAR? Yes, it could be all of those, but it's actually Tom Hanks. They made small talk and then Stephen went on and on about Tom Hank's movie, Cloud Atlas, which opens on October 26. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.

Tom was here to show off great Halloween costumes. Then kids started showing up one by one for Trick-or-Treating. Here's a list of some of the kids. See if you notice anything about them.

1. Kid in Cowboy outfit saying, "There's a snake in my boot."
2. Kid in Astronaut uniform saying, "Houston, we have a problem."
3. Kid in the briefest of clothes, sporting long hair and a beard, holding a FedEx package. His candy bucket happens to be a volleyball with the top cut open. Is this sounding familiar?
4. Next were four kids that Stephen did not recognize. What do you think the chances are that these are characters from Cloud Atlas?
5. One more time the doorbell rang and Tom Hanks rushed to answer it first. After some yelling and fist pounding, Tom Hanks pulled in a kid, Army Man.

Just as Stephen was apologizing to Tom Hanks, the door burst open and someone, a life-sized Army Man, threw the door open and said, "What's the deal, Hanks?" No need to apologize, Stephen. This was a shameless movie plug for Cloud Atlas, opening October 26 in theaters and IMAX.

Also mentioned was the movie Argo. And then Tom Hanks looked into the camera and said, "Go see Cloud Atlas."

Next up was guest Mitch Daniels, who will be Governor of Indiana for only 2 more months. It's pretty hard to follow a big star like Tom Hanks. Mitch Daniels has a book out in paperback, "Keeping the Republic - Saving America by Trusting Americans." Stephen mentioned how he doesn't want to trust the 47% of Americans who are parasites. The two men then had what some might call a subtle pissing contest, Mitch Daniels being all concerned about people getting help from the government in choosing a mortgage and Stephen with his desire to live next to a nuclear plant and not have all those burdensome regulations on it.

Mitch Daniels is concerned about the huge debt we have. Stephen does know his history and so schooled Mitch Daniels a bit. "We had a surplus when Bill Clinton left office, and you were George W. Bush's Director of Management and Budget. Who came in and chloroformed you and stole all the money?"

Thetwo then talked about books. Stephen told Mitch Daniels what his book reminded him of. Stephen's book, "America Again, Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't." Both men agreed to endorse each others' book. I'm pleased to report that Stephen's book got the better endorsement.

If you think tonight was Shameless Plug Night, you are correct. Now, go read every post on my blog.