Magic Piece of Paper

After quick apology, Stephen reminded us of how the kids just love hearing about election law. I personally can't think of anything more exciting!

Have you gotten your Super Fun Pack yet? Just go to the Colbert Super PAC and order it for a mere $99. Supplies are limited. Along with written instructions and an Allen wrench, Stephen added a few more things to the box. You also will get an exclusive button (more about that later) and a Certificate of Presidential Presidenthood signed by Stephen Colbert and Ham Rove. You get the Treasure Map and if you crack the code and find the treasure, your college will get a visit from Stephen as part of his book tour. (Stephen's note to self: Write book.)

In addition to the Colbert Super PAC, Stephen also has a Super PAC that is even more secretive. It's his Colbert Super PAC Shh! (So called because it can raise Shheesh a load of money.) It never has to disclose its donors because it's a quasi charitable organization called a 501 c4. Now, critics say groups like that are unregistered money guns shooting up the election with untraceable political slush funds. To which Stephen smiles and says, "Uh huh."

But a district judge says that 501 c4's must disclose their donors. This created a bit of a problem for Stephen because he assumed that some banks don't require their donors to be revealed and now he has a ton of phone calls to make but back to election law.

Friend of the show and Stephen's personal lawyer Trevor Potter showed up to give legal advice. It seems there's a bit of gray area with the IRS and social welfare groups and political organizations. Every time Stephen gets into a legal scrape, Trevor Potter brings his briefcase and pulls out a magical piece of paper to help Stephen. Not tonight. No magical piece of paper. With good reason though. The good news is that Stephen doesn't have to file anything with the IRS until after the election.

Or, as Stephen so comically puts it, until it doesn't matter any more. "Everything's cool as long as we don't tell them?" asked Stephen. "Right, as long as they're not watching tonight."

Oops. Stephen said, "That's okay, we'll edit all this stuff out of tonight's show."

Now for the "exclusive button" that I mentioned earlier. Stephen had his briefcase with him and took out a magical piece of paper with five things written on it. These are the five things the button will say when you press it. That's right, it's one of those big red buttons that we often see Stephen use on the show. Just press it and it responds. So, Stephen had Trevor Potter read the five things that your button (should you decide to get a Super Fun Pack) will say. Here goes:

1. I was hoping you wouldn't ask that because the answer is yes.
2. I'm not entirely certain if that's legal but it would make for an interesting appeals process.
3. If I were your lawyer, I'd advise against it, but I'm a button so go nuts.
4. Well, everything's legal somewhere.
5. Every time you press this button I'm billing you 200 bucks.

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Tonight is primary night in Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. Mitt Romney is expected to do well. Rick Santorum won't quit because God does not approve of pulling out. Stephen had a video clip of Santorum talking about California and U.S. History. Here's what Rick Santorum said:

"I was just reading something last night that from the state of California and at the California Universities there, there, it's several, I think it's seven or eight of the California system of Universities don't even teach an American History course, it's not even available to be taught."

Stephen agreed that was an outrage and the only thing that would be more outrageous is if this is true.

All the schools in the California State system and all but one in the UC system do actually offer degrees in History! Stephen even had a clip of local news in California explaining it and a bit of a magic reference by Dr. Nancy Thompson wondering where Santorum got that information. Oh, that school that doesn't offer history? It's San Francisco and it's a medical school.

So Stephen got that all straightened out and sent his wishes for continued good health for Rick Santorum, especially for the California Primary on June 5.

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And then just briefly, a little bit about tonight's guest. It was Nikki Haley, Governor of Stephen's home state of South Carolina and author of the book, "Can't is Not an Option - My American Story." She is the daughter of parents who came here from India with only $8 in hand. That's because you were only allowed to bring $8. (Interesting.) She also brought Stephen a signed football helmet and then the two Southerners had a quiz-off on South Carolina trivia. You can find out for yourself what the state bird and state amphibian are here and the state drink and state snack here. (I think this is important stuff and everyone should memorize it.)

Stephen called the Governor an anchor baby, but then flattered her by asking, since she endorsed Mitt Romney, if she would consider being the vice president candidate with Romney. When she said no, he reminded her, "Hey, hey. Can't is Not an Option!"