Breaking Gov - Getting Paid

"We're very excited. It's exactly what we wanted and we got it." Stephen is excited about the upcoming government shutdown, but that's not who that quote is from. It's from friend of the show, Michele Bachmann (R-MN). All day long I have been watching the news and it shows that if you are true to your ideals, and work non-stop towards them, you can accomplish anything. And that is what the Republicans have been working for since, well, since President Obama was elected. To shut down our government. Way to go, Patriots! So lots of folks won't go to their government jobs. And things like museums and parks will be closed. I wonder if Yosemite will close. I see over at Google that it's the 123rd Anniversary of Yosemite!

And of course, with museums and parks closed, there won't be the tourist trade at nearby shops, motels, restaurants, etc. Here's one funny thing about the shutdown. You're going to laugh at this. Although various government workers will come up short as far as being able to work or being able to be paid or get certain government services, (get ready to start laughing) Members of Congress still Get Paid if there is a Shutdown.

I wonder what it would be like if Oprah had run her show like this way back when all the audience members got a new car. It might have been more like this: "I get a new car and I get a new car, and I get a new car. I - get - all - the - new - cars!!!

Did I mention that Members of Congress Get Paid even if there is a Shutdown?

Stephen had video of the negotiations in Washington and it was looking better than I would have imagined.

Tip/Wag: Finally men will be answering that phone when you call the Butterball Turkey Line. There was an interesting piece in the New York Times about Losers. What we get out of that is that Stephen thinks Ashley Merryman is a loser. And he wonders why all this hoopla right now about trophies just after Stephen won two Emmys.

Holy Water is not as clean as one might expect. Don't drink that water!!!

Vince Gilligan was on the show to be interviewed. The two had a lengthy interview. He wrote Breaking Bad and (spoiler alert) that show has ended. Stephen thinks it could go on for at least a little more time. If you are a regular watcher of Breaking Bad, you will know what they talked about. If you are not, then you will be lost in this interview. So, it really makes no sense for me to try to inform those who know more than I do. Or to try to inform the clueless.

All I will say is that there is a slim possibility that there may be more episodes of Breaking Bad. You just have to find the right motivation for some people. Stephen hit upon just the right motivation for Vince Gilligan.

Sunshine and Sailboats; Smelly and Slimy and Stinky - Shocking!

Thursday's show was pretty darn good. I think that may have been because I ate a whole carton of Americone Dream while I watched it. If you have never tasted that scrumptious flavor of ice cream, you are in for a treat. Just head over to the local grocery store and buy yourself a carton of Americone Dream. Americone Dream - it's what's for dinner. Oh, and Stephen's Americone Dream was featured prominently on Breaking Bad! So, that's good.

Crossfire, all new, returns to TV on CNN. Better than that, though, is Stephen's version of Pointless Counter Pointless with --- I'm thinking liberal and conservative pundits --- Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch. I'm not sure which one is the liberal and which one is the conservative, but I'm pretty sure neither one was a tea drinker.

Now, some people may think Big Bird and Oscar are not up to the difficult questions Stephen typically throws out at any of his guests. But Big Bird was ready when Stephen tried to get the feathers flying.

"The whole idea of the show is disagreement. Okay? I need you to argue."

"No," said Big Bird.

"What? You won't do that?"

"I'm sorry, I thought you wanted me to argue with you." So, Big Bird is man enough to stand up to Stephen by being disagreeable about arguing. It's beyond circular logic, it's spherical logic.

And it eventually caused Stephen to come unglued. "I don't want to calm down. This is the worst debate show ever." Then he sunk down behind his desk to hide and cry. Poor Stephen.

Science fiction, fantasy, fables and fairy tales are very popular genres for literature, even for children's literature. And now for something completely different. Rush Limbaugh, Mike Huckabee, and Callista Gingrich, have all written children's books. Of course we all know how much children like make-believe. Stephen just had to jump in to this sweet pot of kiddy lit and write a series of historical fiction books. "Stephen-tsy Ross Sews the Flag of History." Unlike some of the other books that featured a elephant or a horse as the sidekick, Stephen has the most patriotic sidekick, an eagle named Tax Cut. Yesterday I went down to my local Barnes & Noble and bought the whole series of Stephen's books. I can tell you they are going to end up on the best seller list. They are just that good. Who doesn't love a little bit of fantasy now and then?

It sure seemed like Animal Night for Stephen. Big Birds, Grouches, elephants, horses and eagles. Even the guest was all about an animal. SHARK. Wait wait wait! I didn't mean there is a shark coming to get you. No, calm down. The guest was Chris Fischer and he is promoting sharks. Before you get all hot and bothered like Stephen did, realize this. Every day about 200,000 sharks are killed by people. Every year about 2 people are killed by sharks.

They had a lively discussion. But enough about that. Go to the website Ocearch.org and read about sharks. They are not cute like pandas, but they are important, very important. If we lose them, we lose the ocean. And we need the ocean. Ocearch is about Ocean Research. What is happening to the sharks? You can read about that here.

So stop reading my blog and go over to Ocearch now. And did I mention that you can track sharks at the Shark Tracker? It's right up there in the top right corner of the Ocearch website. Right now, April seems to be over near East Hampton.

Can I Come Back and Watch?

Have you ever wondered why the First Amendment is first? Me neither, but Stephen explained why it is the way it is. Mainly so that he can discuss the Second Amendment on his show. Well, that makes perfect sense. He went on to talk about other free speech issues, but I'm not at liberty to talk about them.

It's been a while since we last saw Sports Report so it was nice to see it last night.I'm glad that I don't have to analyze all the various sports on TV and luckily Stephen doesn't have to either for his Sports Report. He can just go to Fox and see what they have to say. And they had to say that football is suffering. That's because football is trying to cut back on that whole targeting other people's heads. Stephen pointed out that we are all born with bone helmets around our think meat, so what's the problem? The problem is the Wussification of America, that's what, according to the tackling dummy. America is getting wussified. This war on football shouldn't be happening. Stephen pointed out that it is possible to come back from an injury similar to what you might get in football and still have a great career. "Just look at The Five." Right you are Stephen.

Canadian-born Dr. Seuss fan, Ted Cruz, did what can only be described as a gab fest, or an all-nighter, or a quasi-filibuster, well, I guess it can be described a lot of ways, but the point is, he spent more than 21 hours on the Senate floor reading what I assume is the novel he finally finished, "Green Eggs and Ham," by Dr. Seuss. Perhaps it is a subtle way for him to show his support of alternative foods for hungry people. Hard to know. Anyway, Stephen listened to everything Canadian-born Ted Cruz said and came up with a fictional yard sign. It's fictional because it probably doesn't exist. I also don't think a Canadian can be president, but I'm no expert. Anyway, the sign says, "Cruz for President - If You're Not Paying Attention." Has a nice ring to it.

Stephen's guest was Joseph Gordon-Levitt, although I may have spelled Jordan's name wrong. Jordan is what you might call a very successful guy. His current movie is "Don Jon." I haven't seen it, but I think it's one of those boy meets girl type of movies. Stephen and Jordan traded lots of witty insights into the meaning of life, such as, okay, I'm not really going to put those witty comments here. You have to watch it in reruns or on Colbert Nation or on your own TV if you have TiVo or something like that. But they are witty. They also discussed the craft of being an actor. Stephen asked Jordan if it was hard to get into character for the movie. Also, "Are you in character now?"

I enjoy  Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a person and a singer and a actor and a producer, but what I really hope you noticed tonight was his socks. I've got to think Stephen liked them too.They are true American socks.

It's Really Important to Me That I Have Crushed You

Gloating is good. Gloating is fun. Gloating is very satisfying.

As good as The Colbert Report is, occasionally there are glitches. Stephen thought he had video of President Barack Obama making history, but instead it was the announcement at the Emmys that The Colbert Report had won. After ten years of The Daily Show winning an Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series, The Colbert Report stole that honor away from Jon Stewart.

It felt good. Stephen was happy. He called Jon Stewart just so that he could rub Jon's face in it. Surprisingly, (was anyone surprised?) Jon Stewart came out from the back halls of the studio over at The Colbert Report, talking on his cell phone with Stephen.

Funny thing though. It turns out that Jon Stewart and the Stewart Country (trademarked) are happy that Stephen won his Emmys. He's proud of Stephen. This is where it starts getting emotionally complicated. Stephen is happy that The Colbert Report won. So is Jon. Jon being happy makes Stephen sad. Jon feels sorry for Stephen and is just about to be sad so as to make Stephen happy until Jon announces that basically it doesn't matter that The Daily Show did not win because, and here's the strange part, Jon is the Executive Producer of The Colbert Report. No matter which show wins, Jon also wins.

No tears please folks. The two men put aside their differences and congratulated each other. Gloating is better when you can share it with a friend.

Religion, specifically Pope Kumbaya, is on Stephen's mind a lot lately. And being the biblical scholar that he is, Stephen righteously and rightly criticized this new Pope, Pope Francis, for being all Jesus-like, what with his love of people over the enforcement of rules and regulations. (He even made it onto the "On Notice" board.)  The Chaplain of the Colbert Nation and friend of the show, Father James (Jim) Martin, was on the show to help Stephen understand the workings of the Pope's mind. The"love" and "compassion" and "mercy" that the Pope is showing to people all over the world is mysteriously bringing people back to the Catholic Church!

One last thing about Stephen's criticism of the Pope - Father James (Jim) Martin advised Stephen that Jesus doesn't actually want people to be judging others. Is Father judging Stephen by saying that though? Oh, great, another dilemma.

The guest last night was a band by the name of Metallica, I think that's it, and apparently they're doing okay for themselves. They laughed at Stephen's jokes and made jokes of their own and then it was time for a song. You can read a little bit about them over at Wikipedia and of course, as always, there's a bonus song over at Colbert Nation.

Proof is in the Pudding

Stephen's date with Emmy turned out quite well. Read it over at Colbert Nation. "The Colbert Report Takes Home Emmy Gold."

* Outstanding Variety Series

* Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series

There are photos from the Emmys over at the official site for the Emmys. This one is the best.

A Hot Date With Emmy

If you go over to Colbert Nation to see who will be on the show this week, you might notice, as I did, that there is no guest for Monday, September 23. "Why is that?" I wondered.

I know the answer. Stephen will be basking in the glow of his hot date tonight with Emmy. That's right, The Colbert Report is nominated for six Emmys, so let's all keep our fingers crossed. You can tune in tonight to CBS and watch it live.

Time now for me to pop some popcorn and open a bottle of champagne and get ready to celebrate Stephen's awesome win at the Emmys.

Colb-Twerking

It really steams Stephen that Michele Obama wants people to drink more water, just so that they can be healthier. (Well, at least she doesn't want people to drink steam. Get it... steams Stephen... drink steam... Not funny? Well, okay. Sorry.)

Stephen also doesn't like that President Obama is still pushing Obamacare when some people want to defund it and repeal it and stick out their tongue at it. (And yet, it is unlikely that Obama would go along with getting rid of Obamacare.)

However, for a short time, Stephen had us thinking that Obamacare was dead. He did a Victory Dance. It reminded me of someone, of something. Maybe it was that large foam hand. I only wish he had been wearing skin-colored clothing.

But that was mainly an excuse for Stephen to show off his dance skills. Even though Michele Bachmann is convinced that this time Obamacare will go down, there are still a "few wrinkles to iron out before the brave act of extortion takes effect." But that doesn't stop people from trying.

Time will tell. October 1 is coming up soon. Will the GOP be able to stop Obamacare? They have tried. Stephen had advice for them.

"If at first you don't succeed,
  try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,
  try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,
  try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,
  try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,
 try, try, again."

Stephen's guest was singer, songwriter, and easygoing guy, Jack Johnson. (I find it interesting that he was born in Hawaii. Stephen should have asked him if he knows Barack Obama.) Of great interest to Stephen was how someone who is so laid back and relaxed when working finds something to do to kick back and relax.That brought a chuckle from Jack. Stephen had just the thing to relax a very relaxed type of guy. He had a feather and they spent a bit of time keeping the feather aloft in the air. Jack Johnson has some experience with surfing. I could see the possibility that some day surfing might be an Olympic sport. The feather thing, not so much.

Of course there was music. Jack Johnson played a song from his newest album, "From Here To Now To You", along with some musical help from Bahamas.

Is there a bonus song over at Colbert Nation? Do I need to tell you that? (If you are reading this Now and the song is not there yet, just wait a little bit until Then and I'm sure Stephen will have it up for you to watch and listen to.)

I'm in the News Business Myself

The World ends with a wedding! That's right. Yet again, the world is going to end. We've all been there so many times when the world has ended, so it should come as no surprise that someone is saying the world would end. Stephen covered it quite well, with a little help from Neil Cavuto and friends. One thing I know for sure, these are some great songs.

The End of the World (Skeeter Davis)
It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by REM

Why didn't Stephen have Michael Stipe climb on down from his shelf on the set and sing his song? It would have been appropriate. Just sayin'.

Andrew Sullivan came on the show to help Stephen understand all the intricacies involved in foreign relations and also to talk about Syria and the Middle East and Russia and China. Stephen talked about Putin and Chinese Putin. He also threatened to cut out portions of what Andrew Sullivan said, and by George, I think he did edit out some of what Andrew Sullivan said!

Stephen talked about the latest gun violence in our nation and explored some of the reasons for it. Over at Fox, they have some ideas. For one thing, there's too many ID cards. For another thing, too much violence in video games. Everyone over at Fox says so, Brian, Bill, Neil, and New Gretchen. Although, to be fair, Eric Bolling wants to know who the donkey is that keeps pointing fingers at a link between video games and violence. Yeah, who? Stephen said, "Good question. Who is the burro who blames gun violence on video games?" Stephen had a clip of that person. It's, well this is embarrassing. It's Eric Bolling.

Stephen's guest last night was Nicholson Baker, there to talk about his new book, "Traveling Sprinkler." I'm sure many people interview this author about his book, but Stephen comes up with hard hitting questions. Questions such as, "Who sets the hose down? Who pays the water bill?" These are questions that we need answers to if we are to enjoy the book.

The two of them continued discussing other important topics. They talked about Nicholson Baker's beard. "Your beard used to be America," Stephen commented and then changed the subject and asked about downtown and then asked about the Thunderstick. Wow. Really jumping all over the place with various unrelated topics.

Nicholson Baker also took this opportunity to hand out a complement to Malcolm Gladwell.

Argh

Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

And whether you spell it argh, arrr, or rrrr, just be sure to talk like a pirate today.

Read about this major holiday here at the official TLAP site (and sing along with Drunken Sailor), here at Wikipedia, or here in the news. I have to run now, my parrot is hungry and the wind just blew my treasure map off the table.

Colb-Air

After a quick shout-out to his viewers in Italy, Stephen got right to the important stuff - the rich, the really, really, rich. You need more than a billion dollars to belong to that club. I missed it by this much. Darn.

You know how it works when Stephen gets into one of his rich moods, those of us who are "poor" have to leave the room while he airs his Colbert Platinum segment. It's for Platinum Members Only.

Here's a confession. I stayed in the room for Colbert Platinum. I felt that it was important for me to do that, otherwise, how would I know when it was okay to come back in the room and watch the rest of the show? Even if Stephen would tell us it was okay to come back, we can't hear him because we're not in the room!

So, if you are rich, do you act rich? You might be drinking sinfully expensive liquor. However, are you using ice cubes made from tap water? Or Poverty Punch as Stephen calls tap water. You don't have to. The fine folks at Dean & Deluca have just the thing. Glace Luxury Ice. It sells for a mere $75 for ten cubes. Except that they aren't even cubes, they're 2.5 inch spheres, carved from a 300 pound block of ice. I wonder. Do they carve one sphere from each block of ice, or do they get a few more than that? To know that, I would need to ask the sculptor whose techniques inspired these ice delights - Eis Kub-Trei. (He's one of my favorite sculptors.) Luckily, for these ten spheres of ice that cost $75, there is zero-taste profile. That is tasteless, according to Stephen, because you know what you will be doing with that ice you just drank in about 30 minutes or so? Yep, it won't be yours anymore. Stephen expressed it more eloquently than I'm willing to do here. Use your imagination.

If you are drinking your luxury liquor with luxury ice but the air around you smells like, well, poor people's exhaled breath, you need to buy a $200 bag of "Colb-Air." Just open the strings at the top of the plastic bag, scoop a little air into the top of your beverage, and your drink will make you feel luxurious. Good luck with that.

Kanye West and Jennifer Lopez are among the artists who perform at controversial gigs. Stephen mentioned that briefly. Also mentioned was that tasty cereal - Cheerios. As good as it is, it made Stephen sad, very sad. It reminded him of just how much he misses his Nana. We got to see Stephen shopping in the cereal aisle of his favorite grocery store (at 10:17 in the morning). Does my store have video camera surveillance in the cereal aisle? Yikes, I hope not.

Arne Duncan is Secretary of Education. It was fitting that he, as a member of the Cabinet, happened to be on the show last night because it was Constitution Day! Stephen quizzed him on why we would have a Department of Education when the Department of Education isn't even mentioned in the Constitution. With a perfect comeback Arne answered, "We have a Department of Education because we need to be able to read the Constitution."

Good answer. Well played.

Next question from Stephen was about President Obama's goals for education. "What is 'Race to The Top' and why does everything have to be about race with this guy?"

Arne Duncan explained that Race to The Top is important. "We want to lead the world in college graduation rates. We did it a generation ago. Today we're 12th. We have to reduce high school drop-out rates. We have to increase high school graduation rates."

The two discussed various programs, the reasons why today's young people need a great education, and ways to get there. As far as good ideas, Arne Duncan said this: "The best ideas in education frankly don't come from me, don't come from anyone else in Washington, they come from local teachers. We have to listen to them."

Next up, Stephen and Arne Duncan discussed Common Core, an attempt to bring some standardization to what is being taught state by state in our schools.

Stephen kept up with more questions. His next concern was the pros and cons of printed textbooks versus all digital. Arne Duncan supports digital because we spend billions of dollars on printed textbooks that are obsolete the day they are purchased. Stephen likes the concept of a locker full of printed books because then there is no room left over for someone to stuff a Stephen Colbert into that locker.


Another important component of education is early childhood educational. Having quality education available to all four year-olds is actually a great idea. It has a return on investment of 7 to 1.Stephen took that to mean that if he invests in the education of one pre-kindergartner, he will get seven of them when they graduate.

Last night's show was very informative. I guess when you have the Secretary of Education on as a guest, that is to be expected.

Blessed Are the Meek (Shame On You)

In honor of the 5th Anniversary of the Bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers, Stephen baked a cake. I would advise you to pass if he offers you a piece of the cake. But to move on to the economy. Hurray for the Top One Percent. You see, 95% of income gains since recovery started have gone to the Top One Percent. That's good, but Fox News wants us to watch out for the Takers, the people who don't have jobs and still want to eat. Yep, they get food stamps just so they can feed their families. (Moochers) And they should feel shameful, according to Fox News. That's good incentive to get off welfare.

As part of "The Word," Stephen highlighted a disability called (warning: bad language in this link) Mood Disorder. Stephen also told us about a Portland citizen who is warning other citizens about fellow citizens. Who is this model of transparency and accountability? No one knows. He is most likely using a fake name and title. I guess that's the true test of patriotism.

As well informed as Stephen is about national and world events, he messed up a little bit when talking about the Miss America pageant and Nina Davuluri, the newest winner. That's okay. We did get to see some video of the crowning event and a little bit of the Bollywood fusion dance she did for her portion of the talent competition.

Stephen's guest last night, Andrew Bacevich, has a new book out, "Breach of Trust." The two talked military matters, democracy, citizenship, and national service. Andrew Bacevich says that putting a bumper sticker on your car thanking our military for their service is sometimes not that much of an effort. We have a few people who serve while most of us reap the benefits. This makes for a military system that is undemocratic. Stephen, as usual, has an answer. Our military should invade our military system to bring democracy to it. Stephen asked about a draft. Andrew Bacevich is in favor of national service of some kind. It was a very interesting dialogue about citizenship.

Just Say I'm Fat

I have never gotten one of my Op Eds published in the New York Times and yet they published this by Vladimir V. Putin! I don't know why he should get published when I never have gotten published in the New York Times. It's not fair. What also is not fair is the photo of Putin by the American flag that looks extremely similar to one of Stephen Colbert by the American flag. Even the tie they are wearing is the same. Stephen had some very revealing research on this. I urge you to watch this episode at  Colbert Nation if you did not catch it on live TV.

In one of the more popular segments, Better Know a District, tonight Stephen visited with Democratic Representative from Washington's 7th Congressional District, Jim McDermott. The 7th District includes Seattle which includes Pike Place Market but I'm not even going to talk about the salmon incident. They talked popular culture for a bit and then Stephen drilled him on  his various stances on the issues. For one thing, he omits the phrase "under God" when reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. For another thing, he supported the overturning of DOMA and yet isn't willing to make out with Stephen. This made Stephen think it must be because he's fat. It made him feel sad.

Philip Mudd, a former CIA analyst, was Stephen's guest. He was one of the more decisive guests Stephen has had. There was no wishy-washy about his answers to the questions Stephen threw at him. Interestingly enough he doesn't own a TV. "TV turns our brain into Cotton Candy." Stephen pointed out that, "We're not on Broadway right now." In fact, Philip Mudd hasn't even heard of Reading Rainbow! But he has written a book, "Takedown: Inside the Hunt for Al Qaeda," which he of course hopes you will buy.

Little Bit Here, Little Bit There, Little Bit Everywhere

While Stephen focused on the GOP winner of the New York Mayoral primary, most of the stories I found over at Google were about the Democratic winner, or probable winner, Bill de Blasio. That first link has lots of photos. Here's a link with more words than photos. Although Stephen had good reasons for his endorsement of Joseph Lhota, I think kittens are cute and therefore I won't be voting for Lhota. Of course, I can't vote for the Mayor of New York City, so that plays into my decision also.

Moving on to national news, Stephen was able to show us all the reasons we can compare Syria and Siri. I did not realize how similar they are. Stephen is a true intellectual giant.

And then there was a very confusing portion of the show. Part of the reason it was confusing is that I started to think that Rand Paul is actually one of a set of quadruplets. Each quad had his own differing opinion on the situation in Syria. Here's a quick rundown on the various positions of Rand Paul and his identical siblings. (I'm not sure which opinion goes with which sibling. Try to sort that out for yourself later.)

1. No diplomacy.
2. Can't do nothing.
3. No to the the President's plan.
4. No to regime change.

This is how one of the Rand Pauls described Rand Paul.

"I think he's been a little bit here, little bit there, and a little bit everywhere. I don't think he makes any sense."

Stephen agreed with that Rand Paul.

Controversies and outrage are ever so popular nowadays. Not a day goes by that you can't get a cup of controversy with that cup of coffee and a bowl of outrage with that bowl of oatmeal. The latest is a photo of President Barack Obama with his foot on his desk.  Apparently he shouldn't do that. Never mind that we have photos of George W. Bush doing that and Gerald Ford doing that. And he's not wearing a suit jacket either. What do you suppose that if he was wearing his suit jacket in the photo there would be complaints that he's wasting money on air conditioning when he could just ease back on the AC by not wearing his suit jacket when he's not meeting with someone important?

Stephen demonstrated how easy it is to find controversy, outrage and conspiracy where there is none. You can do it too. Just look at any photo of a prominent political person and then find something in that photo that reminds you of something that reminds you of something else and then twist that around. Okay, it sounds difficult, but it's easier than you might think. Just practice and you will get better.

Stephen's guest last night was Sheryl Crow. He interviewed her and she sang and yes, there's a bonus song over at Colbert Nation. I am still waiting for the day when an interview with a musician is done musically. That just makes sense.

The Colbert in the Rye

I think I forgot to tell everyone to read a book by J.D. Salinger for your homework assignment. I was going to tell everyone. I thought I had told everyone. But now that I think of it, I think I forgot. Sorry.

So, for tonight's show, just nod your head when everyone else does and pick a part that is your favorite part of the book. Just fake it and you'll get by just fine. I haven't read it either, so I'm going out on a limb and I'm going to say the part where the Catcher was actually in the Rye was my favorite part.

Anyway, Stephen had a short summary of the book. Turns out it is quite familiar to me, I guess because I saw the movie. You know, the one where Matthew Broderick skips school and sings in a parade. I loved that movie.

We were so close to hearing Stephen read the book to us, but then there was that annoying "Sorry Technical Difficulties" graphic and a scary attorney with legal papers that Stephen had to sign. We'll never know what could have been.

Tobias Wolff, author of "This Boy's Life," sat down with Stephen to discuss "The Catcher in the Rye." They did discuss it and then Stephen had a second guest to talk about Salinger. It was Shane Salerno who wrote a book, "Salinger" about Salinger. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was Salinger Night.

Stephen got to the one important paragraph in the book, that which above all, was so important.  But Shane Salerno focused more on events and people that were important.. J.D. Salinger wrote every day and soon, those words will be released for all of us to read.

I do so enjoy when Stephen uses his Book Club set. He's sitting in a nice comfy chair, as is the guest. He's sipping/chugging a tall glass of Chardonnay. It makes me feel as if I'm just as classy as Stephen Colbert.

What Would Reagan Do

The animal world is full of spies. There are many documented cases of creatures of all kinds spying on one country or another. I find it somewhat hard to believe, but if Stephen reported it, then it must be true.

That of course leads right into the situation with Syria. Barack Obama is getting all kinds of negative press about his decision to do something about Syria or his decision to do nothing about Syria or his decision to do anything in between nothing and something. You know who would have done something? Ronald Reagan, that's who.

Conservatives like Stephen know what Reagan would have done. He would have stood up to Bashar al-Assad in Syria. Never mind that he did nothing to Saddam Hussein when Saddam gassed his own troops and his own people. That was the old Reagan. The new Super Reagan is the man everyone means now. He is truly SuperReagan! Stephen had a historic photo of Reagan bringing about the tearing down of the Berlin Wall. It was inspiring.

Stephen put on a little show, not exactly a puppet show but a show with action figures. He ended it by saying in the best impersonation of Ronald Reagan, "Mr Skeletor, tear down your face."

In Tip/Wag tonight, Stephen applauded Iowa's decision to grant gun permits to the blind. And he applauded bigger pants. I would love to know the story behind this, but it has something to do with the pants hanging in his closet this morning. He loves the fit. It's like losing weight without having to even try.

Billie Jean King, a Living Legend, was Stephen's guest tonight. Incredible! One Living Legend interviewing another Living Legend. For those who are too young to remember, she played tennis and played it pretty darn good. Go look here at just the first three paragraphs!

But what most people remember about her is the Battle of the Sexes. Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs played tennis. Billie Jean King won. She was an inspiration for lots of people.

Even if you don't remember that or are just too young, you are in luck. Tomorrow on PBS, you can watch American Masters Billie Jean King. It's coming up on 40 years since that famous tennis match-up and coming up on the 70th birthday of Billie Jean King.

It's on your local PBS station on September 10 at 8:00 p.m. but check your local listings so that you don't tune in too late if you are in a different time zone!

Bonus Song at Colbert Nation

Do you have a Smile File? Stephen does and tonight he talked about Ariel Castro. He wasn't the only person paying attention to that. So was Eric Bolling of Fox News "The Five." He is something of a math whiz as evidenced by his computations indicating how much money we probably will save by not needing to spend money on Castro. Mr. Bolling also came up with some other computations about saving money, but heck, anyone can come up with money to save if you are willing to think outside the box. For example, we could all save money on car purchases plus get great exercise if we were willing to drive a car like Fred Flintstone's car.

So, how's the old living room sofa holding up? If it's time for a new couch, may I suggest a bulletproof davenport? You can get one that stores a ton of guns under the cushions - locked, not just stuck under the cushions. Plus, as an added bonus, the cushions are bullet-proof. Only drawback is that you have to convince the home invader to only aim at the cushions, not at your head and not at your lower extremity.

Of course, Stephen also has a good idea for those who like to combine home furniture and home safety. Get a Barca Launcher. Simply tape a long knife to your head with the blade pointing up and away from you. Then, if an intruder intrudes, just launch yourself by use of that lever on the side of the Barca Launcher. There's a lever on the left and a lever on the right. Be sure not to mix up which one reclines and which one launches. Don't ask Stephen, he's not exactly sure.

John Prine was Stephen's guest for the last show of this week. He is a grammy-winning folk singer, but did you know he started out as a mailman? He found that being a singer brought in more money, so that's why you won't be getting your mail from him. As is often the case with folk music, he likes to keep it simple. Singing and a guitar, but absolutely no twerking.

One of Stephen's favorite John Prine songs is "How Lucky." The lyrics suggest there's a lot of things he can't remember. Stephen wanted to know what it is that he can't remember. Unfortunaely, John Prine was unable to remember those things. John Prine performed "How Lucky" and there is, as usual, a bonus song over at Colbert Nation.

Probably wait until tomorrow to find the bonus song. It's not going to be there right after the show is done. But bonus songs always show up by the next day.

The Most Informative Segment of Fox News

Stephen shed some light on the situation in Syria and what our response should be. His main motivation seems to be that he really wants to be able to have a cool graphic to show. So far all he has is Cris-ish in Syri-eh. He was looking for a bold, decisive, dare I say it (?) kick -butt response from Barack Obama but didn't get the adrenaline rush like George W. Bush used to provide. Who can forget "homicidal dictator," "weapons of mass destruction," "axis of evil," "50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," "mobile biological weapons labs," "significant quantities of uranium," "nuclear bomb," "the smoking gun," and "mushroom cloud?" Stephen put it all in context with his summation of all those catch phrases from so many speeches by George W. Bush with this simple sentencebend. "God, I love being lied to by a professional."

Stephen demonstrated what a powerful and earth-shaking speech sounds like. It included Liberty Toast and ended with a short visit from Steve Coll. They discussed what the objective should be if there would be some military action in Syria. As you might expect, it's complicated. I'm sure there will be more developments. Meanwhile, you can go to the UN Refugee Agency to learn more about the more than a million Syrian refugees and donate to help with this humanitarian crisis.

No one has said it yet, but I'm going out on a limb and telling you that this year's greatest Holiday Gift will be something that is featured in a commercial on Fox News. (Did you see what I did there? I used a very subtle reference to Holiday in the same sentence with Fox which is sure to get their tidy whities in a bunch.) It's Perfect Polly. It is, according to Stephen, all the fun of a cuckoo clock without the hassle of finding out what time it is. It looks so real, partly because it head goes from side to side when you breach its "motion activated" perimeter. Its tail even moves back and forth. It's a parakeet that requires no cleaning and no feeding.

Forget those expensive televisions with all their cable TV contract requirements. Get a Perfect Polly and keep those grand kids entertained for hours.

You don't remember any Chia Pets moving their heads, do you. (W-o-w! Note to self: Develop the most perfect gift for next year. It's the Perfect Chia Pet. Its hair grows and its head moves, plus you can program it to say Woof, Meow, Moo, Quack or Aflac. I will get my development team right on that. Nobody else use my idea, please. I thought of it first.)

Anyway, Stephen was thrilled to have a Perfect Polly right there at his desk. He loved the poem from the commercial so much that he made one of his own.

"Your Golden Years are still fantastic,
Even if your only friend is made of plastic."

For our viewing pleasure, Stephen had Perfect Polly and Imperfect Polly, but then came to realize he didn't need any bird other than Perfect Polly. His plan was to let Imperfect Polly fly away to freedom but there was a flaw in that plan when he could not tell Perfect and Imperfect apart. From Stephen's perspective, Imperfect died just before she was allowed to fly away, most likely from grief.

"Look at me. I'm a monster. A monster." Stephen was distraught over the death of the Imperfect Polly and turned his sadness and frustration onto Perfect Polly. He didn't harm the hunk of resin. And by the way, I have this uncanny idea that Stephen actually was talking to the wrong bird the whole time he had both up on his desk in cages. He did start to get a little bit carried away though.

Finally we got to the weather portion of the show. Gary England was the chief meteorologist for KWTV-DT in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. If only you had tuned in a few days ago, you could have seen him forecast the weather. But now he has retired from that job and moved on to handle corporate relations and weather development for Griffin Communications. But the two men did not talk about that. They talked about tornadoes and how you can tell if it's going to be a bad tornado. Hint: Gary England takes off his suit jacket. Most interesting was the fact that Tornado Alley is not a stable weather pattern. It slowly moves to other areas. While it might be northern Texas, Oklahoma and southern Kansas now, in a few years, maybe a decade, Tornado Alley could be centered over Kansas Missouri and Illinois. It migrates. Stephen renamed it Tornado Worm instead of Tornado Alley.

Gary England talked about the biggest tornado that occurred on May 31 of this year. It was 2.6 miles wide with winds of about 300 mph. That prompted Stephen to ask a very good question. "Why do people live in Oklahoma?" Well, it's not all the time that there are tornadoes so not to worry. But I don't think we are going to see the The Colbert Report moving to Oklahoma any time soon.

Everybody Talks About the Weather, But....

Tonight's guest will be Gary England. He's a meteorologist. The blurb over at Colbert Nation says this about him:

"After 40 years on the air, meteorologist Gary England talks about his new role as vice president for weather development at Griffin Communications."

Finally, someone who will do something about the weather and not just talk about it. I would like him to develop a little bit of rain for my area, maybe and inch or two inches. I'm sure there is someone else who would like him to develop some cooler temperatures for them, and most likely someone else who wouldn't mind if there was a little development of snow in their area.

This looks to be a promising interview. I can hardly wait.

Matthew, Marketing, Luke and John

It seems like it's been forever since the show was on. I have been so busy. And so much has happened. But enough about me.

Stephen did take time to welcome Jon Stewart back to his own Daily Show which was a generous gesture on his part. I admit I have missed Jon Stewart just as much as I have missed Stephen, maybe even more since Jon was gone for a longer period of time.

Speaking of Italy, that's where Stephen spent his summer vacation! After a bit of Roman culture, not much, Stephen transformed his desk into a motor car, donned goggles and scarf and took off motoring while not really going anywhere. Unfortunately, with his glasses off and goggles on, he screwed up what was on the teleprompter big time. Not 10 minutes into the show and he blew it.

All this car business was just his way to introduce his 73rd installment of Better Know a District. Tonight it was Michigans 5th District - the Fighting Fifth.Representing Flint Michigan and the rest of the 5th is Congressman Dan Kildee. To help us better understand the importance of Unions in America and what they accomplish for workers and for our economy, Stephen played the part of a Union worker. No sooner did Congressman Kildee start talking with Stephen in the role of Union worker than Stephen informed him he was Latina, a lesbian, from Minnesota and a felon, so he's not going to be voting for Dan Kildee anyway. What a waste of time!

Stephen's guest tonight was the 2nd most famous Catholic in the US, Timothy Cardinal Dolan. You all know who the most famous Catholic is, right? If not, you shouldn't be reading this blog. Cardinal Dolan has written an e-book, "Praying in Rome - Reflections on the Conclave and Electing Pope Francis." Stephen assumed it would be a tell-all about how the Pope is chosen and how everyone voted, but he was somewhat disappointed. What he did tell Stephen is that the first thing done when the doors closed was to pray.You see, the Holy Spirit had already chosen the new Pope. All the guys there had to figure out was who the Holy Spirit had picked.

The new Pope Francis seems a bit too easy-going for Stephen and too soft on sin. For example, when asked about homosexuality, Pope Francis said, "Who am I to judge?"

Stephen asked Cardinal Dolan a hypothetical question. "If you could be Pope, what name would you choose?"

Cardinal Dolan thought for a few seconds and then calmly replied, "Stephen."