Tough As Nails

Stephen is back and he looks marvelous. He quickly quelled all rumors about being gone for a few days. The Colbert Report was not cancelled because he would soon announce his candidacy, it was not cancelled because he offended the Catholic Church, and he was not in rehab, and he did not have a nose job. But he does look marvelous, there's no denying that. He did say, however, that evidently having eleven children makes you tough as nails (confidential to a lovely lady).

On to politics. Mitt Romney trails Rick Santorum. And this with the Michigan Primary coming up soon. Perhaps Mitt should not have said we should let Detroit go bankrupt. ( Awkward.) In order to bump up his image, Mitt is bringing out The Donald, and if Trump is going to be Romney's surrogate, Stephen is ready and willing to be Trump's surrogate, complete with a tint job so that he looks like Trump. If you think Stephen is not able to be a surrogate of Romney's surrogate, you are wrong. He did a very convincing Trump impression.

Yes, Mitt is trailing in the polls, even though he was born in Michigan, and likes that the trees are not too tall and not too short but just the right height, and likes the lakes big and small and loves cars.

So, what does Stephen have to say about Rick Santorum? "I would say that he's come from behind, but Santorum is morally opposed to coming from behind."

To spice things up a bit, Stephen played some clips of Santorum talking about, oh, the president, and jobs, and the United States, and, well, here's what he said recently:

"This president, systematically, is doing everything he can to raise the price of energy in this country. He's shutting down all sorts of opportunities for us to drill for oil. This is what the president's agenda is. It's not about you. It's not about you. It's not about your quality of life. It's not about your jobs. It's about some phony ideal, some phony theology. Oh, not a theology based on the Bible, a different theology."

And this a while back:

"This is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war at all. This is a spiritual war and the father of lies has his sights on what you would think the father of lies, Satan, would have his sights on: A good, decent, powerful influential country - The United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States."
Rick Santorum August 29, 2008.

Stephen explained, as only Stephen can, the whole reasoning behind this in quite colorful terms and pictures. He also mentioned that other countries have, in fact, had such things as earthquakes, war, famine, etc. which do seem to be bad things. Go over to Colbert Nation and listen to Romney talk about trees and Santorum talk about theology.

But enough of politics. Stephen's guest tonight is an author and bookstore owner. Ann Patchett's most recent book is "State of Wonder." Her bookstore, Parnassus Books, is located in Nashville, Tennessee. Stephen compared Ann to Meg Ryan in the movie, "You've Got Mail" and talked about small independent bookstores getting gobbled up by large, corporate bookstores. Patchett says that people are coming back to the independent bookstores. They like the story hour for the kids. They like that the staff can actually recommend books that are tailored to what each customer wants.

And then, almost like dessert at the end of a meal, Stephen told her that she was getting the famous "Colbert Bump" just by being on the show tonight. He looked at the audience (live and in TV land) and said he wanted her book "State of Wonder" to register on Amazon tomorrow. Whoa... she wants it to register at ParnassusBooks.net where you can get it signed!

She had this interesting choice for Stephen when his next book comes out. He can come to Nashville, see his friends Jack White and Al Gore, have a party, drink a cocktail. The Goat Rodeo guys can come over and play some music. Then, the next day, Stephen can go over to Amazon with a Sharpie pen, cut open a carton of books, and sign them. Then he can see which of those he liked better.

He thanked her for coming on the show.

**Note: Unfortunately, trees in photo are not the right size, they are too tall. Apologies to Mitt Romney.