Iowa Swabian Hall

One thing we learned about Stephen last night is that he is not afraid of the media. In fact, he even invited media scrutiny about him. Now let's hope the media does its job.

Unfortunately for America, Bill O'Reilly has flip-flopped on the issue of marriage equality.That's okay, in fact, I applaud him for being able to pay attention to the issues and thus realize that the tide is turning and then get in step with the rest of America. What is disturbing to Stephen is not so much this current opinion of Papa Bear's. It's that Papa Bear is not able to gracefully allow other people to go through the same soul-searching and come to the same conclusion that he did by flip-flopping.

You of course know that TV cannot survive just on its own merits. There needs to be monetary support, typically in the form of sponsors and therefore commercials. One of last night's sponsors of The Colbert Report was Cadillac. Typically when Stephen mentions that a sponsor is a sponsor, he tries to work that sponsor into the show. I found myself being elated, then deflated, then excited, then disappointed for various reasons. About all he did was mention the name Cadillac. Surely I'm not the only person that expected Stephen to say to the audience members, "You get a new Cadillac and you get a new Cadillac. Everybody gets a new Cadillac." Nope. He just told the audience members to go buy one. Sigh.

For those of you out there that "Like" things and people, it is possible to learn a whole lot about your personality from those "Facebook Likes." It is possible to predict with up to 95% accuracy things such as your age, your religion, your political views, etc. Scientists set up an app and did testing and compared it to "Likes." They found out that homosexual males liked Kathy Griffin, Adam Lambert and Wicked The Musical. Okay, now here's the really important thing. Researchers found that High IQ corresponds to liking Mozart, Science, and The Colbert Report. (!) Therefore, if you like Stephen's show, you are smart. (And I can only assume if you are reading this that you like Stephen's show and therefore you are certainly smart. Congratulations.) The study also reveals that these people like Curly Fries. (Stephen threw in a quick reference to the sponsor by saying, "Curly Fries are the Cadillac of Fries.")

Sometimes you just can't avoid controversy. Case in point: Tennessee's State Capitol. Currently there are some renovations being done and some are concerned that there is a new sink that is a Muslim foot bath. This threw some people into a panic. Bill Ketron one of those worried individuals. He demanded answers and he got answers. That sink is a Mop Sink. Stephen demonstrated why we might still need to be worried. But what bothers me is that Bill Ketron doesn't even know what a mop sink is. I'm not a janitor and I know what it is. I can only conclude that he has never in his life mopped a floor.

Last night's interview was one of the more unusual interviews. (Wow, even while I just wrote that I realized than many of the interviews end up being one of the more unusual interviews. Oh, well.) The interview was conducted in "The Cadillac Interview Part of My Studio" but not before Stephen ran out of the studio, took a Cadillac for a spin on the streets, actually street, of New York and then ran in again. The guest was Carl Edgar Blake II, Iowa Pig Farmer. He was dressed appropriately in that he had on coveralls and a John Deere green t-shirt. He was a robust man. But he wasn't always a pig farmer. Originally, he was a computer nerd. He wrote code. But then that work dried up.

His claim to fame is that he created a super pig. That's right, the Iowa Swabian Hall. Carl Edgar Blake is winning all kinds of praise with his work of creating this master race of pigs. Stephen had a beef with his pork because he is literally breeding Commie pigs. Carl then gave the technical explanation and reason for his work. He also explained some of his complaints which Stephen dismissed as a marinade. (You say potato, I say potato.)

This is all very interesting, but then the show ramped up into Super Cute Status when two of the cutest little pigs were brought out for the two men to hold. So cute, so very cute. Stephen held Hamlet and Carl held Little Smoky.

Last night was the only time I can remember that after Stephen said "Good Night," the audience said, "Awwww." Baby pigs are so cute.

I Have a Smart Phone, Am I a Doctor?

I love puzzles, all of 'em, any of 'em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years. Puzzles such as crosswords, trivia quizzes, cryptograms, word search, etc. And so does Stephen obviously. He started out the show with the solution to a Jumble: "Crisp Bee Urine." I checked it out and he is right. I need to start doing more Jumbles. But on to more important matters.

Republican leaders, under the guidance of Reince Priebus, created the Growth & Opportunity Project to study why they lost the last election. It has also been called an autopsy, even by Reince Priebus. It's nearly 100 pages long, so I won't type all of it here. Just go here if you want to read it. Part of the report includes bringing in some Republican celebrities. And perhaps the most important part for the GOP to win back American voters is to, well I'll quote the report here: "Republican leaders should participate in and actively prepare for interviews with The Daily Show, The Colbert Report..."

Well, we can look forward to some interesting interviews coming up soon, starting with, maybe, Reince Priebus on The Colbert Report.

Big news this week is that the Supreme Court is hearing two cases involving Marriage Equality. Stephen clued us in on a recent poll that shows "... 58 percent of Americans [think] it should be legal for gay and lesbian couples to get married ..."

This brought Stephen to another installment of The Word. Narcicitizenship. We learned that Senator Rob Portman of Ohio has announced his support of same-sex marriage after learning his son was gay. That won't change what Saxby Chambliss thinks: "I'm not gay, so I'm not going to marry one."

Stephen Colbert is Watching Your Kids. That's a good thing. He scours the news stories and finds out what you need to be appalled by. Up in Vancouver, Canada there is an exhibit, "Tattoos & Scrimshaw - the Art of the Sailor." Some of the tattoos might be considered a little bit naughty, so this is why Stephen has alerted us to this exhibit. Consider that these sailors spent months at sea with nothing to do but work hard and make this art form. So, what can you expect?

Do you ever wish you could see inside your friend's ear or know what your heartbeat is? Well, you have a smart phone, right? Stephen's guest last night was Dr. Eric Topol, Director of Scripps Translational Science Institute talking about his latest book, "The Creative Destruction of Medicine - How the Digital Revolution Will Create Better Health Care."

We got to see that Stephen's heart is perfect. We got to see what Dick Tracy would have worn on his wrist if he had wanted to know what his heart rate and oxygen saturation was. Modern devices can easily monitor a patient without the need to be in the doctor's office. The devices can even detect in advance if a patient will be having a heart attack in the future. Best part of the interview was that we got to see inside Stephen's head and see his ear drum. Glad to say, his ear is getting better. Stephen highlighted one use for the Smart Phone that I'm pretty sure we are not going to be seeing in the future. (You put your Smart Phone where?????)

A Pile of Lunch Meat Chose the White Bread

Stephen is back from vacationing in the Cayman Islands with his money and was sad that he didn't get to cover the crowning of  a new Pope. (Note: Pope Francis was not crowned and seems unlikely to want riches of that sort.) Actually, Stephen wanted to cover the naming of a new Pope. It is as important as the Superbowl but without so many "Thank-you Jesus thanks prayers." Stephen did has some coverage about the new Pope and showed Fox News with the safe analysis of the smoke. "It's gray." Can't go wrong with that.

Stephen told us about a book based on a movie based on the Bible. It was very confusing. It seems like it will be a big ratings winner and isn't that what the Bible is all about?

The really big news that everyone is talking about is the renaming of the Conference Room over at The Campaign Legal Center. The president is Trevor Potter. That name should be familiar to you. If not, read more here and also here. Or you can just read posts here about Trevor Potter. Anyway, the Conference Room was renamed in honor of Ham Rove. I would just love to have my next committee meeting in "THE HAM ROVE MEMORIAL CONFERENCE ROOM." It is such a fitting tribute to Ham Rove and also to Karl Rove who was the mentor for Ham Rove. Now admittedly there could be some confusion for a small minority of people about the difference between the mentor and the mentee. So, before you enjoy your Easter dinner, first ask, "Did you ever put anti-gay marriage legislation in swing states to tip the scales in the 2004 Presidential Election?" If it answers Yes or if it answers anything at all, best not to eat that Ham. It could be Karl Rove.

Stephen extended an invitation for Karl Rove to join him this Sunday for an Easter Feast.

Stephen's guest last night was Junot Diaz. He has a very impressive set of credentials, but Stephen, being a humble man, was not impressed. Among other things, he teaches Writing at MIT. And he is on the Board of Freedom University. Freedom University is dedicated to teaching undocumented immigrants. Junot Diaz had an interesting comparison. Think about Superman. He arrived here from Krypton through no plans of his own and yet we accepted him. Think about all the positive things Superman accomplished here! Right. So it just makes sense to me that we should be doing more to help these other immigrants achieve all that they can. Stephen raised many pertinent questions which Junot Diaz answered well and yet not to Stephen's liking. They discussed the Eternal Question of what language is spoken on Krypton. I must admit that I do not know the answer to that question.

As important as this University seems to be to Junot Diaz and as committed as he seems to be to the University, he admitted that there is no official sweatshirt for the school. Stephen was ready to help him out. He brought out a sweatshirt, a nice grey hoodie, with red letters that say "Freedom University - Established 2011" on it. Junot Diaz was overwhelmed with joy. "This is great!" Actually, it just had the initials for Freedom University on it, but you get the idea.

Colbert Wins

I wonder if Stephen knows this. Elizabeth Colbert Busch won the Democratic Primary in South Carolina. On the Republican side, not quite so clear. Mark Sanford got the most votes, but that wasn't enough to call him the winner. There will have to be yet another primary to find out who will be the candidate to go against Elizabeth Colbert Busch.

Obviously, voters in South Carolina turned out at the polls. When the General Election comes up, all the voters should vote for Elizabeth Colbert Busch. Just imagine what "Better Know a District" would be like with Stephen Colbert interviewing Congresswoman Elizabeth Colbert Busch. I'm already imagining it right now and let me tell you, it is wonderful!

Vote Colbert

Ah, yes, the political season is over for most of us, but in South Carolina, there is a big election coming up.

You do remember that Stephen's sister is running, right??? Yes, Elizabeth Colbert Busch is running for Congress.

There's all sorts of connections that can be made about that. Governor Nikki Haley could have appointed Stephen Colbert to the open seat in the United States Senate back a while ago, but instead she appointed Tim Scott. That left his seat open in Congress.

Now, Stephen's sister Elizabeth Colbert Busch is running for that seat against a long list of people. It would be very interesting if, even though Governor Nikki Haley was not willing to appoint a Colbert, the people of South Carolina appointed a Colbert by voting for Elizabeth.

You can do a little bit of reading about some of the people involved by reading here about Nikki Haley, and just a little bit about one of the other candidates, Mark Sanford. Of course there is lots more information about this candidate out there, for example his Appalachian Trail escapade. It coined a new euphemism for, well you remember, right? You can also find out who he asked to head his campaign here at HuffPo.

And then go visit Colbert Busch for Congress. We already know who got to be Pope, so this is the next event that everyone will be watching.

We Have a New Pope

At 8:12 p.m. (Vatican Time) the curtains parted, the doors to the balcony opened, the announcement was made.

And the new Pope is....

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Archbishop of Buenos Aires. He has taken the name Pope Francisco or Francis I.

At 8:23 p.m. Vatican Time, he appeared on the balcony. He greeted the crowd, said a prayer for Pope Emeritus Benedict. There was a silent prayer for the new Pope and then a prayer for the world. At 8:34 Vatican time he left the balcony after wishing the crowd a restful night.

I can't even imagine what he must be thinking and feeling right now.

Obviously, more details in the days ahead.

New Pope Chosen

I just got done writing that you probably would not hear it here first, and already I'm reporting that a new Pope was just chosen.

New Pope chosen in Vatican City.

More details later.

Chimney Cam

Pope Watch. Gull Cam. (Yes there was a seagull on top of the chimney for a while.) Everyone has a catchy name to signify the election of a new Pope.

Whenever the new Pope is elected, you will hear it here. Probably not first, but eventually I will report on it.

Here's one article, and I'm sure there are hundreds more, about what's happening over in Vatican City. Scroll through all seven photos at the top of the article. In the first one, I see that although the Cardinals seem to dress alike, there are subtle differences. Some outfits have more lace to them, some have a bit more of an ivory color rather than white. The red seems to all be exactly like in the robes so that makes me wonder if there is a huge bolt of red fabric in Rome that only is used for Cardinal gear. It would just look wrong to have a photo of all the Cardinals and some of the robes are sort of maroon while others tend to be a bit red-orange. Luckily that problem is taken care of. Whew.

In photo number five you can see the vestments in Small, Medium and Large. It also looks like there are seven, maybe eight different sizes of shoes to pick from.

What would it be like to be sitting there voting on the next Pope and wondering, "Will it be me?" And what about that thing where any Catholic male can be chosen. What if they pick someone who is currently in, say, New York, or maybe South Carolina? The white smoke would come out the chimney, the bells would start ringing and then we would have to wait for that person to get an airplane ticket, pack a suitcase, probably submit a resignation at work, and high tail it over to Rome to appear on that balcony.

While part of me thinks that Stephen Colbert would make a wonderful Pope, if he was elected, I would hope that he would still broadcast The Colbert Report live from the Vatican.

Born Again Virgin

Rand Paul has been in the news for filibustering. While some may think this indicates a talent for talking for hours, it actually is more important from the standpoint of being able to do things like drive a truck for long distances between truck stops. But you hardly ever hear anyone getting credit for that.

It seems like Stephen has a drone in his studio always watching him. It is a mutual admiration society between Stephen and the drone, though, as Stephen expressed his love for the pretty drone watching over him. Yes, Stephen love drone.

North Koreans watch The Colbert Report on their one TV set. We even got to see some actual footage from North Korean TV. In addition, we got to see some sweet Stephen TV. You may remember North Korea, or the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, as they (North Koreans) officially call their country. Interestingly enough. North Koreans also watch basketball and they recently had a treat when they were able to watch it with Dennis Rodman.

Stephen the C. will be taking a two-week break and we found out that he is bored with news. What really excites him is people staring at each other for long minutes while looking at a rose. In fact, that is how he chose the guest for last Thursday was by giving a rose to one of two guest candidates. John Sexton won out. Sadly, for all involved, Dougie St. James had to go home. I was really looking to hearing about the book, "Awakening the Birdhouse Within." I have read most of Dougie St. James other books, so this would have been a real treat.

So, John Sexton was the guest. He is the president of NYU. Stephen talked with him about Sexton's book, "Baseball as a Road to God - Seeing Beyond the Game." Stephen brought up the great truth that Baseball seems endless. Good point. Also, and this could be helpful to many people, Stephen says about some of John Sexton's comments, "I get to say something is true and then go I can't explain it. I'm right though." That should almost be on a fortune cookie, or maybe in tomorrow's horoscope. One other comment Stephen made would not work on a fortune cookie quite as well. "Okay, one of the things that I don't know is what you just said." Honest and humble admission by Stephen.

So anyway, Stephen is off for two weeks and they are picking a new Pope in Rome. I wonder.....

And I'm Right

Have you ever wondered how they name all those storms? Have you ever wanted to find out if your name could be a storm name? And who gets to name storms anyway? Well for hurricanes, you can look here for the list of names. If a storm is too bad, that name is retired. Otherwise, the names are recycled every six years.

But now, even snowstorms are being named by the Weather Channel. I don't know who said they can do that, although I guess if you try something and it catches on, that probably just encourages you to keep doing it. More importantly, where does the Weather Channel come up with names such as the Snowquester? As usual, Stephen had the answer of exactly how they determine these storm names. In what I personally hope comes next is for someone to name each day's weather so we can remember that day by memorizing the weather name that goes with it. Since it is the month of March and it was windy and blew my hair around and I saw a large rabbit, I'm naming today's weather "March Hare." Stephen had other really great weather names.

Nation, Stephen announced proudly that he is a big fan of  the Civil Rights movement. In fact, he even attended the historic 1963 March on Washington while still in his mother's womb. That is one of the reasons he is so interested in the challenge to the Voting Rights Act being considered by the Supreme Court. Shelby County in Alabama is complaining that they shouldn't have to follow that law anymore because it singles out states that historically tried to block the voting rights of some people. Also, things are great now according to Bert Rein on February 27 of this year. "The problem to which the Voting Rights Act was addressed is solved." Stephen celebrated with black and white balloons. If that doesn't motivate the Supreme Court, I don't know what will.

Do you need proof? Well, four weeks ago, Mississippi made slavery illegal!

Who are these people in our Supreme Court and what are they thinking about this issue? Well, take Justice Antonin Scalia --- please. (I couldn't resist that Henny Youngman humor. Sorry.) This is what Antonin Scalia had to say on February 27 of this year:

"I am fairly confident it will be reenacted in perpetuity unless, unless a court can say it does not comport with the Constitution ... It's a concern that this is not the kind of a question you can leave to Congress ... Even the name of it is wonderful. The Voting rights Act. Who is going to vote against that in the future?"

Stephen pointed out that luckily Justice Antonin Scalia is presently on the Supreme Court.


Via satellite last night was Julian Bond, one of the founders of the Student Non-Violent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), Chairman Emeritus of the NAACP, and Civil Rights pioneer. Julian Bond and Stephen questioned whether or not racism still exists. Stephen thinks it is over with - remember his black and white balloons. Julian Bond thinks it is still with us, even saying that there are many people who are angry at Barack Obama for being president while black.

Stephen brought up some areas of agreement between Justice Clarence Thomas and Julian bond, namely they both have roots in Georgia. Yet, they had different life experiences and have different views on many topics. Justice Thomas thinks one way and Julian Bond thinks another way and Julian Bond is right.

We had what might be called a commercial break or else what Stephen called Thought For Food. We learned that Lunchables are Able to be Lunch and that the Nacho Industrial Complex has discovered the "bliss point."I won't go into the technical jargon as Stephen does, but basically it means you keep eating junk food because it tastes good, but you just can't seem to get enough to fill you up. To help us understand, Stephen had a visual demonstration.


Stephen's guest last night was Brendan O'Connell, painter of WalMarts. (My cousin used to paint WalMarts. I think the walls were usually white, so kind of boring work.) Anyway, he has painted jars of Jif on the shelf, the front of the store where the cashiers are, a woman (his wife) looking at what appears to be snack foods such as Nachos, and another product placement shot. Interestingly enough, I'm pretty sure I could afford to buy the Jif, but not the painting of the Jif.

Also, a quick note for aspiring painters. As many times as he would go to WalMart and photograph what he would then go home and paint, WalMart would ask him to stop doing that. That is why I paint trees. They never complain.

I Know This, I Know This, I Know This, Don't Tell Me

In political and international news, Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, has died. In seemingly unrelated news, Jon Stewart will be taking some time off from The Daily Show. Stephen has learned that Jon Stewart will be running the country of Venezuela during his time off this summer.

More political news involves Barack Obama's upcoming visit to Israel this spring. Stephen pointed out that George W. Bush was a better friend of Israel. In 2007, Bush gave a whopping $2.3 Billion in foreign aid to Israel. Obama only plans on giving a paltry $3.1 Billion in aid to Israel. While in Israel, Obama will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Distinction. President Obama will be meeting with Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu while in Israel which may be a little bit awkward since Netanyahu seemed to be a supporter of, ... Whatshisname (Matz Latke?, Bris Schmaltzy?, Putz Schmuckney?) in the last election in November.

To learn more about Israel, Stephen welcomed Michael Oren, Israeli Ambassador to the United States, on the show. It was very helpful because we did get a brief update on what is happening in Israel and the region around Israel. At one point, Stephen remarked that Oren is just like Captain Kirk. "I work in space, I'm from Iowa." (Kirk was born in Riverside Iowa on March 22, 2228.)

This is turning out to be Queasy Week on the The Colbert Report. Dennis Tito wants to send a couple on a round trip mission to Mars. It will be just like a Carnival Cruise. Except for one thing. Radiation will be a bit of a problem, but there is a solution. As I said, Queasy. But it also presents opportunity. The lucky couple will be able to redecorate while in the space capsule and that will solve other problems, namely radiation and stuff that can't be recycled and therefore will need to be reused or re-purposed as people call it now.

Stephen's guest last night was friend of the show and actor, director, author, poet and model James Franco. More important than any of those was his interview with Stephen. And it was delightful. James Franco is the lead character in "Oz the Great and Powerful." I'm pretty sure this is not going to be as tame as the movie, "The Wizard of Oz." In the 2013 movie, we find out what happened before Dorothy came to Oz. Interestingly enough, in the description of Oscar Diggs over at imdb for "Oz the Great and Powerful," we find that Oscar Diggs must decide if he will be a good man or a great man. Who do we know that always asks whether someone or something is good or great? Yep, it's Stephen.

But back to the interview. In real life, James Franco also had a voyage of discovery, trying out many venues and exploring his inner self. And just like the scarecrow, he wanted a brain. Then, almost like Dorothy, he discovered what he really wanted out of life and that he had it all along.

In discussing the witches in the movie, Stephen brought up that ever popular game, "Marry, Hit That, or Throw a Pail of Water on Her." Lot of soul-searching is needed for that game. It prompted Stephen to ask of James Franco, "Do you want a Good Witch or a Wicked Witch?" I got the impression they were straying from actual discussion of the movie at times. Eventually, though, the discussion moved on to Home Construction with Stephen coming up with ideas of ideal places for where a house could be "placed."

Up next for James Franco is "Of Mice and Men." There is a character in that play that has not yet been cast. The obvious choice, at least for the audience, is Stephen. James Franco and Stephen Colbert ended the show with a Tolkien Showdown. Stephen's grasp of Trivia is amazing and the show ended with Stephen yelling, "How Dare You! How Dare You!"

Tide Goes In, Tide Goes Out

Monday's show left me a little bit queasy for many reasons. Maybe queasy is not the right word, but there were segments that were a bit off the beaten track.  First of all was the part about scientists and creatures from the sea and the police. If you go over to Colbert Nation to watch it or if you have it on TiVo or something similar and have not watched it yet, I can help out. When it gets to the part about the police not closing the case because there was not case in the first place and then you hear the quote about "They gave me liquor," you might want to shut your eyes for a bit. Stop watching until after you hear the audience say "EEEEWWWWWW." Then you should watch again when it's about the creature from the sea. That part is good.

More about guns. In Texas , Representative Dan Flynn wants to decrease the number of hours needed for gun safety class from ten hours to four hours. The reason for this is because it can waste a whole Saturday for people that want a gun. And another guy, Kyle Coplen, has a unique idea. He wants to give guns to people in high crime areas. Both these ideas are indeed that, ideas. I expect there will be more news about this in future reports from Stephen.

The guest last night was Kirk Bloodsworth and I loved his tie. But no, he's not some sort of fashion designer who makes really neat silk ties or something like that. It's just that his tie was so appropriate. He spent eight years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. It was DNA that proved his innocence and prevented him from being executed. So yes, he likes DNA. The witness ID in his case said that the perpetrator was 6'5", had curly blond hair and was skinny. When the real guy was caught, he was actually 5'6" and weighed 160 pounds.  I don't know that much about actual investigations of crimes, but it seems that about half the crime shows on TV base their story on having an eyewitness that breaks the case, and the other half base their story on how wrong the eyewitness was completely wrong about the crime that was committed.

But back to the guest. Kirk Bloodsworth has a goal of getting rid of the death penalty in the 33 states that still have it. There's a website, Innocence Project, and there are Faces of Exoneration that you can see. It has the names and brief statements about people who were in prison and were exonerated and released. It was an interesting interview and brought up issues that should be of concern for all of us.

Pope Goes the Weasel

At a time when there is no Pope we are finding out that our sweaters are possessed by demons. This couldn't come at a worse time. Pat Robertson gave us the warning but Stephen had a Consumer Alert. If you look at the labels on your clothes you will probably find the occult symbols plus instructions so that you can cast out Lucifer, always wash in cold, tumble dry low. Stephen then blessed all our clothes.

The artist formerly known as the Pope has resigned. He had times of great joy during his time as Pope but also times when he thought the Lord was sleeping. That's right. Sleeping. Of course this is not true and Stephen told us why.

As for the next Pope, we don't know who it will be. Therefore, three Pope outfits are made, in sizes small, medium and large. I imagine once the new Pope is known for sure, the tailors will be able to get those robes to fit just right. In the meantime, vendors who sell Pope merchandise are trying to move out that old merchandise before a new Pope is named. You can't blame them for trying to cash in with all those mementos and memorabilia. Stephen had examples. And he assured us that the carpet matches the shoes. I won't go into details. He also quoted scripture: "Look for the souvenir stalls in the temple, just past the moneychangers. You can't miss it!" Matthew 21:13

The Sequester is making the news all the time. Lots of bad stuff is happening. People's lives will be affected. Why is this happening? Why can't it get fixed? Perhaps Stephen had the answer with a simple explanation. The senators and representatives still get their salary regardless of what they get accomplished or not accomplished. Where do I sign up? He explained it like this. Congress thinks that it's like a loan shark that says if you don't pay up, I'm gonna break your neighbor's legs. Stephen had a solution that involved a monkey, food source and a locked door.

Jon Favreau was the guest on Thursday night. He has been working with Barack Obama since he was 23 years old - just a youngster. Favreau is much older now - he's 31. He is the former speech writer for Obama and also John Kerry. It was interesting to hear how the speech writing process works. I imagine it can be different for different people, that just makes sense. Barack Obama would talk with Jon Favreau, say all the things that were important while Favreau would type all of it. Then, he would go to work polishing it.

If you go to the Google machine to find out more, be aware that there is a Hollywood actor with the same name. Interesting, because it seems that is where this Jon Favreau is heading off to soon.

My Name is Jay

First of all, where can I buy that shirt? Stephen has renamed Jay the Intern. Is that even legal? I guess so because he did it. Jay now gets "health coverage". That's cool. And refreshing. Now Stephen needs to start marketing the shirt Jay was wearing. I would buy one. So now Jay the Intern is Halls Mentho-lyptus With Triple Soothing Action Presents Jay the Intern. Let the Cool in Jay, let the cool in.

Something that I just thought of: If for some reason Stephen was unable to do the show, could Jay fill in for him? It is a possibility, a possibility that I think the audience would truly enjoy. That intern has talent and potential in the world of broadcast news!

A new development in our Justice System involves a spinning red light and also a mysterious spinning red light. It has something to do with Gitmo and with the Cenral Inellieence Aency and I'm not saying another thing, especially out loud. Neal Katyal of Georgetown Law School was on to discuss with Stephen and they seemed to come up with the notion that this was a flaw.

John Kerry is busy visiting the world, but not Easter Island, his homeland. I can completely understand that. This has got to be the busiest time of the year on Easter Island. Jelly beans, chocolate bunnies, and fake grass all have to be made and distributed by the end of the month. This summer would be a better time to visit Easter Island. John Kerry is spreading the word around the world that Americans have the right to be stupid. That applies to each and every person in our nation. That includes John Kerry. It also includes Stephen but he never uses that right.

Paola Antonelli was Stephen's guest on Wednesday night. She is the Senior Curator, Department of Architeccture and Design for MoMA (The Museum of Modern Art). She discussed physics if you can believe that and we learned about the past, the present, the future, the moment, and being modern. It was confusing. We also learned that Stephen's coffee mug is "design" but poor design. Also discussed was iPad, which needs to come in many more sizes. She said the idea was to make everything disappear. Well then, what would they have over at the Museum of Modern Art? Oh, yeah, I know, all this stuff. We got to see some really neat designed art including bee-designed vase, a rolling land mine destroyer, and an earthquake-proof student desk.

Note to Stephen: Take the wrapper off before you eat it.

Do the Math

Too busy to write about last night's show, but I will get to it, maybe tomorrow. We are all hoping that Jay the Intern will get better health coverage and maybe even a paycheck some day.

But, to piggyback on my previous post - Mathematics. Stephen was happy that he did not have to do the math to figure out if and when Earth would get hit by heavenly bodies. Here's a website he should check out every day to help him improve his math skills.

Bedtime Math

Enjoy!

Mess With Texas

Stephen continued with his promise to keep us updated on the Pope watch. We know that some things will remain, for example, monogrammed towels. Some things will be gone. Red shoes are out in favor of more modest brown loafers. I'm thinking of updating my shoe wardrobe, so this certainly gives me some fashion direction.

We all know Stephen is from South Carolina, but he did a pretty darn good representation of what it's like to be a Texas boy. I would love to see him in true Texas gear some day, maybe something like what these guys wear. But that's not important. What is important is that someone is trying to change Texas. And this is not about the people who want Texas to leave the United States. No, this is someone who wants to change the state from red to blue. I have been to Texas. That is going to be hard to do. You know that the Red River forms part of the northern boundary of Texas, right? So even the rivers that you would expect to be blue are actually red!

But anyway, the person who wants to change Texas from red to blue is Jeremy Bird, former National Field for Obama for America. And he has a plan to do it. He even showed up last night to talk with Stephen about the way that Texas is actually changing. Stephen was concerned that the natural order of things will be upset. The way to change Texas from Republican to Democrat is to engage all the people in Texas. Jeremy Bird said that only about 50% of the population turns out to vote which means that in Texas they have government by half the people for half the people. When Jeremy Bird threw out the "gerrymander" word, Stephen called him on it saying it is an ugly word, accurate, but ugly. The push will be to get people out to vote, fight for their voting rights and get them to the polls. In a classic case of putting your money where your mouth is, Stephen made a bet with him, a $100 bet. Jeremy said he was game. So, Stephen bet him that Bird could not get Barack Obama re-elected in 2016. Both men shook on it, so it's a legitimate bet. Come back in 2016, right after the election to see which man wins the $100.

Stephen talked about drones, you know those little planes that look like they are flying upside down. We were able to find out that use of drones can actually encourage the planting of trees.

Stephen doesn't usually name the segments when he sits down with his guest, but last night would have been a good time to have a name. I'm thinking "Scare the Pants Off Everyone" because that's what the guest was basically doing. Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku showed up to talk about heavenly bodies, and I don't mean angels. He recently wrote the cover story, "Asteroid Apocalypse" for Newsweek magazine. The two started talking about meteors, asteroids and all things falling out of the sky onto our heads. Stephen brought up the not so recent Tunguska event. Fun times (not really!) Stuff comes out of the sky and hurls to Earth. It is probably to our advantage to try to stop this from happening. Dr. Kaku talked about lots of reasons to do the math and how we were lucky enough to dodge the bullet. Because in the past we had fishing villages rather than larger metropolises as we do today, asteroids and large meteors that decided to visit us could have easily fallen where there was no population centers.

Russia is on top of this and planning strategies to land on asteroids and urge them to change their ways and path and leave us alone. Bruce Willis might think it would be good to blow it up, but all that does is create a lot of baby asteroids still coming at us. We need to keep the asteroids intact and push them out of the way. Gee, this sort of  sounds like Star Trek.

Losers

Luckily, for those of us who did not watch the Oscars, Stephen provided a rundown on the most important events from that show. Fashion of course is a mainstay of the Academy Awards and since Stephen is a fashion expert, he provided some much needed commentary on the stars who were among the best dressed (and some that were not). There can be nothing more important than that! Are you able to pick the best and the worst dressed and more importantly, what did you wear on Oscar night?

In news that relates to the health of the nation, the CDC will now be taking over some reporting that is currently being done by Slate. Apparently there is a reason for this and it is quite astounding.

Next up was Pope Watch 2013. Stephen said he will be live in Rome to cover the story of the Pope stepping down. But how can he do this and still be ready to do his own job? Can he really make it all the way to Rome in time for the Pope's last day? We should know by next week. What I wonder about, and I don't think I'm the only person, and therefore this can't be some sort of a surprise, is this: Will we soon be seeing The Pope on the The Colbert Report? Pope Benedict  will have lots of time on his hands and Stephen would be the likely person to interview him. Time will tell.

Stephen's guest last night was Simon Garfield. You should go over and look at his website. Then tell me what you think of Simon Garfield having a large ampersand (&) on his front page. It makes me think of Simon and Garfield. Or it could be about typefaces. Anyway, just click on the ampersand to go to all the neat information on his website. Find out Why the World Looks the Way it Does! Read about all his books, including the one, "Just My Type," and his most recent one, "On the Map." You know, I really expected Stephen to use a map to get from his main news desk over to the table where he conducts interviews. But I suppose he just used the implanted GPS that I'm pretty sure is in his left ankle in order to find his way without getting lost.

Simon Garfield and Stephen had a lively discussion about maps, their importance throughout history and what the future might hold for maps. We also found out what the favorite map of Simon Garfield is. I'm pretty sure he was referring to this map. If you click on that link, it's the second one of London, the one with the red blob in the middle surrounded by a larger yellow blob with a blue River snaking through it.

Dancer - Capital D

I hope you caught the The Colbert Report last Thursday. It was really good, better than some other shows and yet as I write that I'm mentally kicking myself. Each of Stephen's show is better than the rest and that does not seem possible. Let's just leave it at, "I hope you caught last Thursday's show."

Since it has taken me so long to get back to writing, I'll be brief but to the point. Stephen always verifies all his news stories before reporting on them. Not everyone is so thorough, unfortunately.  Case in point, Chuck Hagel and the Friends of Hamas. What started as sort of a joke about something than any reasonable person would realize was a joke has gotten out of hand. Read about it here.

Folks should practice the skills they learned in 4th grade for writing reports. Make sure that what you are saying is factual. And don't just ask Jon or Jay or Jimmy out on the playground if they think it is true, do some actual research.

The best part of the show was the guest. I don't know how to describe the guest. He defies explanation, no, he defies description. He even defies gravity and the laws of physics. Think of a butterfly, a snowflake, a pretzel, an army tank. That doesn't even come close to doing justice to Lil Buck. When I heard Stephen was going to have a dancer, I thought that would be interesting. I had no idea. I'm sorry, but I'm not as tuned in to popular culture as Stephen is. That is why I watch his show, so I can stay at least a little bit current. He does have great talent on the show. Thank-you, Stephen.

Anyway, the minute Lil Buck started dancing, making a few moves, you realize immediately that he is a Dancer (capital D). This is not someone who has learned how to dance. This is someone who just is a Dancer. I also think he is a wonderful teacher. He doesn't just tell Stephen to watch him and then do what he does. Lil Buck is able to explain how to mimic what he is doing. You would be able to just listen to his explanations and figure out how to dance like him. No, not dance like him, but do a few of the moves.

 If you did not watch last week, you have to go over to Colbert Nation and watch. You can also Google Lil Buck and find many other video clips. Here's one of him with Yo Yo Ma on the cello.

Purply Spatula

Purply Spatula

No one can argue the fact that The Colbert Report is the best show - ever - anywhere. That is why, and I'm not exactly sure if these numbers are correct, billions of people watch his show every night. The Colbert Report, and its rival The Daily Show (another great show by the way), are the best sources of local, national and world, and yes even universal news. What is the reason for this? Well, along with such accurate reporting, Stephen has a great delivery. He has a way of drawing in the viewer and making the news stories seem real and relevant to each and every person watching. Occasionally, he will even use humor as a device to get the point of the story across.

Last night was an example of why this show is so popular and important to the future of our nation. Stephen reported on many world events. Not everyone is so well informed as he is. Our local news station, for example, spends a lot of time just reporting local news and only touching on national and world events. Stephen reported extensively about events in the United Kingdom, Ireland, Poland, France, England, Sweden, Cyprus, the Netherlands, and Romania. We often don't realize how difficult it is to report all the news from all over the world. Even part way into reporting the news, Stephen admitted that he was really hungry and would love a great sandwich item. But he kept reporting the news when a lesser person would have gone out for a bite to eat.

Next up was the Sport Report, but before Stephen got to that, he entertained us with a one-man band minus any band instruments. It was great. I see a Grammy in his future. But anyway, football, or as we call it, soccer. It's very popular in Europe. The players there are fantastic. They have incredible ball handling skills. But there is a problem. It seems Soccer games may have been fixed and not in the repaired meaning of the word. I had no idea. Even huge championship games and a large number of games. I'm not a huge fan of the game. I have watched games in town when the school kids are playing and I have watched it on the TV machine at times. But again I say, I had no idea. Stephen had a revealing video that shows players hitting other players. However, he ran it in "slow motion" and then it was obvious to even me that those players weren't hit. No, they either fell to the ground after coming close to an opposing player, or even grabbed the arm of a player from the other team and hit their own face with that player's arm. I had no idea that people would resort to that type of behavior. I mean, who fakes an injury like that? What kind of man would do that?

On the show to help him understand soccer was Alexi Lalas, who admitted he has probably played in a "fixed" game. But that does not mean he is guilty of fixing games. I'm sure he is not the type of person to engage in anything of that nature. He did tell Stephen not to be a boob. And then, proving me wrong, Alexi Lalas apparently hit Stephen and knocked him way back in his chair. Stephen was obviously taken by surprise. More taken by surprise was Alexi Lalas. I rewound and watched that part over again and now apparently it looks like Alexi Lalas did not even come close to making contact with Stephen. Do my eyes deceive me? Was Stephen just trying to make a point? Perhaps it was just comedic relief.  Maybe it was actually theatrics on Stephen's part. Whatever it was, I am relieved that Stephen was not injured. Luckily, Alexi Lalas reassured us that in the United States, there is not nearly the level of shenanigans here that goes on in other places. Or at least that's what he said.

Continuing with his show that tonight was Not American, Stephen told us about various TV shows. Of course some shows that we watch here, such as The Office and Hardball with Chris Matthews originally came from other shows in other countries. The Office came from England where it was called The Office. Hardball is based on the Irish children's show The Very Angry Potato. All these shows are good, but none could rise to the level of the one Stephen highlighted while sitting next to his cozy fireplace. In Norway, one of the more popular shows is "National Firewood Night." One could hope that American broadcasters would see the light and get that show or one just like it for American viewers. Stephen really opened up to his viewers tonight and revealed a lot of personal goals, dreams and also some memories. It was so touching.

The guest last night was David Goldhill. He of course has a book out. "Catastrophic Care - How American Health Care Killed My Father - And How We Can Fix It." Would you believe he is the president of the Game Show Network? He is. He writes somewhat from a personal view because of the death of his father and somewhat from a business view. He had some good ideas, but only if you are someone who has either good health or poor health. It's worth a read to see what his ideas are.

Sitting on a Throne

There's been lots of talk and lots of video about meteors and asteroids getting way too close to Earth recently. Most of Earth did okay. The asteroid was no problem. Not so lucky in Russia. A meteor streaked across the sky in Russia and actually hit ground, making it a meteorite. Stephen pointed out the need for better detection of meteors and asteroids and the incredible efforts being undertaken on the Space Station that means we can all sleep better tonight.

The good thing out of all this is that I now realize an asteroid belt is not a fashion accessory.

Great news as the Dow finished at 14,035.67. Stephen was thrilled and a little confused. Obviously everyone is excited about such good news, but we didn't get much analysis about why it is so great. That's okay. Just be happy. We have more billionaires and that makes me happy. I watched the Colbert Platinum segment and saw what I want for my next birthday. It only costs $1.2 million and I think I could get it delivered by this summer. At least 18 people in this country have ordered one of these vehicles, so perhaps someone has ordered mine as a gift.(Interestingly enough, when I watched the show, there was an advertisement for Jaguar. Coincidence? I wonder. Guess I'll have to buy one of those for my trips to the grocery store.)

And if I do get that trinket, the perfect place to use it will be in Belle Isle, a utopia to be developed by Detroit visionary Rodney Lockwood. I see nothing but a win-win for everyone involved. Those not involved would lose out, but not my problem. Stephen pointed out that there also is the rest of the country that would be just as inviting to those who could afford to live at Belle Isle. Yes, it is a great opportunity to take all the lemons life hands you, take them to a private island and make lemonade that you won't share with anyone else.

Do you know the difference between transparent, translucent and opaque? Some people get those terms confused and get their undies all in a bunch. But here's the real scoop. Stephen alerted us the the fact that some people, you know who, are in a tizzy because they don't have photos of President Obama golfing recently. Oh, great. They weren't happy with the skeet shooting photos. Who really believes they would be happy with golf photos? I can hardly wait until someone photoshops the skeet photos into golf photos. Stephen carried it to the logical next step, the exact thing I wondered about. Is this what will now pass as transparency?

Stephen's guest was Emily Bazelon, author of "Sticks and Stones, Replacing the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy." Wow, I feel like I've already read half the book.

Stephen needed to know what exactly the term empathy means. We learned so much from the discussion between the two, Elizabeth Bazelon and Stephen Colbert. We found out some examples of bullying, we found out that Elizabeth Bazelon related an instance of when she felt the effects of bullying and also how she felt that she did not do enough to turn around those same effects when it happens to someone else.

Stephen asked her, "Do you think I'm a bully?" There are no simple yes or no answers in life. Luckily, neither the guest nor the host was actually reduced to tears.

Presidents Day

Yesterday was Presidents Day and last night on the "The Colbert Report" was a repeat. It was the episode with Dave Grohl as the guest and Marco Rubio as the thirst quencher. You can re-read those posts here and the update to that post here.

For tonight, it looks like the guest will be Emily Bazelon, senior editor of Slate magazine. I sure hope Stephen is nice to her. Oh, what am I thinking? Of course he will be nice.

The Colbert Dancers

You've heard the rave reviews for years and finally here's your chance to see the famous "The Colbert Dancers." Just head over to Colbert Nation and look for the video of "Exclusive - Harlem Shake." You may have seen other Harlem Shakes, but this one is the best because it has The Colbert Dancers as well as Stephen.

Here's the direct link to "Exclusive - Harlem Shake (The Colbert Report Remix).

If that link doesn't work, try just going to Colbert Nation, or else do some Googling and you'll probably find it.

And a plea to Stephen. Please have more big show numbers with The Colbert Dancers. They are the best ever!

Digital Immigrants

Happy Valentine's Day. A little bit late, yes, but I have been celebrating by watching the Colbert Dancers all weekend long. Stephen celebrates his holidays the traditional way and therefore he celebrated Lupercalia. Ah, yes, back when life was so much easier and everyone knew what to expect.

Banks - This was a topic we all care about but know hardly anything about, even though banks are pretty important to our country. Luckily, Stephen had David Leonhardt on to explain banks to us. Leonhardt has an e-book out (available everywhere). "Here's the Deal." What the two financial experts talked about was somewhat depressing and yet Stephen was able to find the silver lining in it all and at the same time show his patriotism for our country.

In his segment about "Nailed 'Em," we find out that finally a banker has actually been held accountable for his crimes. Let's head over to West Des Moines, Iowa to the Wells Fargo Bank there. Finally someone is paying their dues for what's been going on at banks. Well, sort of. It seems that 50 years ago, Richard Eggers made a cardboard cutout of a dime and put it in a washing machine in a laundromat. That's right. It cost a dime to use the laundromat washing machine 50 years ago! And because of that incident, for which he was actually arrested, this Vietnam Vet with seven years of service to the bank was fired. Thank you Stephen for letting us know that justice is being done. And thank you for the Visual Approximation. I will sleep better tonight.

Stephen's guest on Valentines Day was Gavin Newsom. They don't actually know each other and yet there is a connection. Gavin Newsom was one of the original contributors to the Colbert Super PAC. He has a book out now, Citizenville - How To Take the Town Square Digital and Reinvent Government, meant to help ordinary citizens connect with their government. By the way, did I mention he is the Lieutenant Governor of California? Anyway, Stephen was confused right from the start. It took a while for Gavin Newsom to explain it to Stephen so that he could understand. People today are plugged in to the digital world. You know, internet, smart phones, social media, etc. We can't expect children to learn the say way old folks learned. (Note to readers: "old folks" was not used on the show, I just thought that would be a good way to get the message across about the future.)

To help Stephen understand, Gavin threw out some names Stephen would recognize - Kiva.org and Donors Choose. That got Stephen's attention. He is on the Board for Donors Choose. They had some more lively discussion and then Stephen got confused again. "Then why do I have you on my show?" Stephen, Stephen, Stephen... You talk about news and then you have a guest on at the end of the show.  That's why you had him on your show. (How much chocolate candy did Stephen eat on Valentine's Day?)

To bring it back to easier topics, they talked about the great state of California. It is a good state, but it does have a bear on its state flag. Not good. That being said, Stephen bad-mouthed it but Gavin Newsom came right back at him with a wonderful, stirring ode to California's greatness and its amazingly sunny future. This prompted Stephen to ask if he could say something... "You're a very handsome man." Well, it takes one to know one.

UPDATE New link for Rubio

In my post for last night I said the link might disappear. Well it's still there, but the "English" transcript is gone. I found a different link. It doesn't have the total speech, but you can get the idea of how the transcript got so muddled.

This may also disappear, so look at it soon if you are interested.

Marco Rubio's SOTU Response Spanish Version - ABC News

Nobody Noticed ... That You Gave ... a Speech

Another great show and I learned a lot. Of course the big news was the SOTU - the State of the Union. If you listened closely, you noticed that President Obama was very pro government. All the news outlets were talking about it. It was offensive to Stephen that President Obama would give such a pro government speech in front of all those government workers.

The main event of the (SOTU) night was Marco Rubio's response to President Obama's State of the Union speech. Stephen had a little bit of fun with that, insisting that people would forget the speech and only remember the quick grab of that bottle of water, Poland Spring water. (Wikipedia has already updated their page on Poland Spring with Rubio's quick grab. It's at the bottom of the article here.) Stephen even demonstrated drinking water as only he could. And I could talk about that, but you really need to watch it yourself if you didn't see it on the TV machine. Catch it later tonight or tomorrow when the show is repeated. Otherwise, go over to Colbert Nation tomorrow and catch the show there. It will be worth it.

What really grabbed my attention though was that Marco Rubio also gave the response in Spanish. Stephen pointed out that it was four minutes longer than the English version. That's not that surprising. Different languages have different ways of expressing things. The fascinating thing was that apparently you can watch video of Marco Rubio delivering the response in Spanish. And there is a transcript that you can read. Unfortunately, it probably is a machine doing the translating and no one told the machine it was a speech in Spanish and so the machine tried to make English words out of what Marco Rubio said in Spanish.

Here's the link. (UPDATE: THAT LINK DOESN'T HAVE TRANSCRIPT. SEE POST FOR FEBRUARY 14.) Go watch it soon because I have a feeling this it the type of thing that could be fixed and then the transcript would be gone. Stephen gave a few examples. It's a hoot.

The guest tonight was Dave Grohl and he was the director for Sound City. He figured out how to play drums and he figured out how to play guitar without anyone teaching him, so he figured why not make a documentary. And he did! After tonight's show, he was off to do a gig with the Sound City Players and Stephen sort of invited himself to join in the fun. I wonder if he really did or not.

Now, go over to the link to Marco Rubio's speech in Spanish and read the transcript. (UPDATE: THAT LINK DOESN'T HAVE TRANSCRIPT. SEE POST FOR FEBRUARY 14.) Just look for the white box that says:

Transcript for Marco Rubio's State of the Union Response (Spanish Language Version).

Hello... Hello... How Does This Thing Make Toast?

I'm going to start right out by saying last night's audience was a rowdy crowd. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. They just were so thrilled to be there that they couldn't contain their enthusiasm. So, they get a bonus "The Colbert Bump" for their contribution to making last night's show a success.

We saw in the previous show that Stephen, a devout Catholic, was nevertheless willing to put religion under the microscope. Last night, as a devout Conservative, he did the same thing by talking about the GOP and their need to do an autopsy on the GOP Party after the dismal success in the most recent election.

 Recently, some members of the GOP held a retreat in Williamsburg, Virginia to think about themselves and to learn how to be happy. Stephen even demonstrated this new philosophy by smiling into the camera and saying, "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that down."

We also learned from Stephen that you can make an anagram from Reince Priebus. I even saw it today under a photo of Reince Priebus on one of the news shows today on TV. I forget which one. Only thing is, they didn't have the same anagram as Stephen showed us. They only had Rice-a-Roni. No matter. I don't think Stephen actually had the correct anagram anyway.

Also on tap for the Republicans is to turn on Karl Rove. That's right. Rove is bad-mouthing the Tea Party and so the Republicans are bad-mouthing Karl Rove. Stephen called him the manatee with the planatee. It is almost becoming a Civil War within the Republican Party. Surely they are not forgetting what Ronald Reagan said was the 11th Commandment. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

This is all still developing, but Stephen simply reminded the GOP that they need to keep smiling.

You may have heard that Steven Seagal is training volunteers to patrol schools in Arizona. He has put hundreds of thousands, if not millions of hours into weapons training. (Stephen Colbert pointed out that millions of hours is in the 115 year range!) The interesting thing about the volunteers is that some of them have experience with police. Because they have arrests for drug possession, domestic violence, sex crimes against children, disorderly conduct, impersonating an officer, and on and on. Stephen's solution is to have one volunteer posse guard the other volunteer posse.

Roger Hodge was the guest on the show last night. He is the editor of the Oxford American.  That is like the New Yorker of the South. The two men talked a lot about southern traditions. Stephen admitted that there's beautiful literature from the South, which he has never read. I'm sure he was joking about that. I hope he was joking about that.

The interview ended with a "Happy Mardi Gras" greeting to Stephen at which point Stephen responded appropriately with a request to Roger Hodge.

We Don't Get to Vote?

Do you know where your emails are? Apparently, email accounts of the Bush family have been hacked. Yes, we should all be worried about our own accounts. I'm pretty sure the Secret Service won't investigate on our behalf, so be careful what you write.

Some of the more interesting findings indicate what George W. Bush has been doing since he left the White House. He has been painting. Self portraits. Of himself. In the shower. And the bathtub. The paintings are all over the internet now. You can find them if you look. Apparently someone named Guccifer is responsible for doing this. Stephen did have a police composite drawing of the hacker. Personally, I find it interesting that this has happened now, at the same time as someone else has a lot of time on his "hands" and could be monkeying around on the internet. In no way am I saying that this could in fact be Guccifer. But look at the drawing of Guccifer Stephen displayed, and then look at that someone else sitting around in a hospital bed, and tell me you don't also think they could be one and the same.

But back to the paintings. Stephen did not think they were that great. About all he can come up with is the comment that "faces are hard." Oh sure, I would just like to see Stephen try to do the same with some paint and brushes. Just paint your own self-portrait, Stephen. Go ahead. I would love to see you do that. Seriously, I would love to see self portraits of Stephen in the shower and bathtub.

Moving on. The Pope is out. Stephen thought it meant out of the closet, but actually Pope Benedict is retiring. He's realizing that he's not a young man any more and it's time to get a part-time job, play golf, or maybe take up a hobby such as painting. That means the job is open. Time to check out the Papal Speculatron 7500. There are many good choices all around the world, but Stephen's favorite is an American, New York Cardinal Dolan. And surprise, he's a BFF, (Bishop Friend Forever) of Stephen Colbert. Stephen even had the photo of the two of them to prove it. A photo of two people standing together always proves they are best buddies. Stephen gave Cardinal Dolan the famous "The Colbert Bump" and urged all Catholics to vote for Cardinal Dolan. Sadly and to Stephen's dismay, only Cardinals get to vote for the next Pope.

Stephen needed answers and he needed those answers from the Colbert Nation Chaplain - Father James Martin. Father Martin was not completely surprised by the Pope's resignation, but found it was understandable. There will be a mini-Pope for a while, then the Papal election,  then there will be a new Pope. If an American gets to be Pope, Father Martin agreed with Stephen that Cardinal Dolan would be a shoo-in, but he said it is very unlikely that an American would get the job. Typically it takes at least a few votes before any one man gets enough support to be Pope. The reason why this happens is explained by Stephen. On the first ballot each guy votes for himself. That's just human nature. By the way, Father James Martin has a new ebook out - "Together on Retreat."

The guest last night on Stephen's All Catholic show was Garry Wills.  He talked with Stephen about his new book, "Why Priests? A Failed Tradition." Their discussion had barely started when Stephen told him, "You hold it right there, buddy. Are you a Catholic? Are you a Catholic?" The two of them went on to disagree on various aspects of religion. Stephen quoted scripture but that did not stop Garry Wills from throwing out more worrisome ideas about priests. They discussed the author of Hebrews in that they didn't know who wrote it. He admitted to Stephen that he does not need a priest to give him Last Rites. Stephen said that Popes are sort of like Super Priests.  And finally, Stephen asked which Barnes & Noble was next on his agenda of places to go to.

I'm hoping when a new Pope is chosen that Stephen will have him on the show. That would be so cool.

Nothing Motivates Like Cash

Last Thursday found Stephen preparing for Winter Storm Nemo. He had ice melt, he had a shovel, he had a windshield scraper, and of course a beverage to warm body and spirit. With Boston expecting five-foot snowdrifts, Stephen was worried that if New York got the same amount of snow and wind, Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York City, might not be found until the spring thaw!

Stephen also is getting ready for the 2016 elections. Who will be the presidential candidate for the GOP? Will it be Jeb Bush, half of Chris Christie, or even Bobby Jindal after he makes one important wish. But there is one place Stephen told us is the best place to find a candidate - the State Senate.

To start off this search for candidates from State Senates, Stephen highlighted some highlights of Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield. Senator Campfield has a unique understanding of AIDS. One of his bills was a "Don't Say Gay" bill which Stephen proved is effective by reminding us that if we don't talk about something, it goes away. (For instance, Sarah Palin.)

Stacey Campfield has a new Don't Say Gay bill, but this one allows, even compels some to Say Gay. Stephen demonstrated the difference between the old Don't Say Gay bill and the new Don't Say Gay.

Moving on from Tennessee to Ohio, Stephen lamented moochers, those people who get paid to sit around all day. Also paid to sit around all day and complain about moochers, Paul Ryan. He says too many people are dependent on government. Also saying this is Bill O'Reilly. Also saying this is Charles Krauthammer. Unfortunately, we had to listen to Charles Krauthammer say suck on the teats. It was an uncomfortable moment for Stephen.

Just in case you had forgotten all about Stacey Campfield, he has a new solution to the dependency issue. Remember back in the day when your Dad would give you a dollar for every "A" on your report card? Stacey Campfield has a way better idea. If welfare kids don't get good grades, stop feeding them. That's right, cut back on the cash the family receives because "nothing motivates like cash". Stephen agreed that nothing motivates like cash. "And nobody knows that better than a politician."

Stephen had a short segment on relationships. Needless to say, I should be hearing from Stephen in a few days.

For the interview on Thursday, Stephen welcomed Benh Zeitlin. Probably we will hear more about him in coming years. You may know of his film, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and four Oscar nominations. One of the nominations is for young actress Quvenzhane Wallis who played Hushpuppy. Read more about Ben Zeitlin and Beasts of the Southern Wild here.

We found out that animal crackers were a currency on set. (This to deal with motivation perhaps when working with such a young actress.) Stephen commented on the four Oscar nominations and asked if Beasts of the Southern Wild can only win one Oscar, "Which one should it be?"

"Oh, it's gotta be hers."

Sunshine and Seashells

Canada is dropping the penny. This is horrible. Will the USA follow suit and get rid of the Honest Abe penny as well as the Daniel Day Lewis penny? Americans for Common Cents (pennies.org) is on the job trying to make sure we keep our penny. Stephen highlighted a survey by Coinstar showing Americans still like the penny. And he also pointed out that the lobbying is done by people with ties to zinc which is what pennies are mostly made of. He may be right. Okay, I'll revise that since he is always right. He may have said things that I might or might not agree with. But you wouldn't expect the paper industry or the silver industry of the wood industry to go to bat for pennies. (Wood industry... bat...get it? hahaha)

In order to help us understand pennies better, Stephen showed us a cheap trick. It was definitely cheap since he used pennies. And it most certainly was a trick and I'm still trying to figure out how he did it without me seeing how he did it. Pay attention to what he said. Kids, don't try that anywhere!

But, no one is thinking of all the consequences. What about a gumball machine? (Stephen did address this issue, but he did not solve the problem.) What about all those grandparents giving pennies to the grandchildren? They get to feel generous and it helps the kiddies learn how to count. And you know, you just know, that prices will go up and not down. If something costs 96 cents, it won't go down to 95 cents, it will go up to a dollar, a whole dollar.

I am in favor of keeping the penny. If you don't want to keep the penny, fine. Just send all your pennies to me.

You may remember that there was an open seat in South Carolina for the Senate since Jim DeMint resigned. Stephen Colbert would have been a great choice for replacing him but that did not happen. In what could only happen because of a rift in the time space continuum, there is a Colbert running for office in the state of South Carolina. You see, Niki Haley appointed Representative Tim Scott to Jim DeMint's seat, leaving an vacancy for Tim Scott's Congressional seat in Charleston. And a certain person named Elizabeth Colbert Busch is running for Tim Scott's seat. "Holy Cow! My sister is running for Congress!!! Immediate reaction from the audience with shouts of Colbert! Colbert! Colbert!

Rumors are swirling through the media that she might get free TV time from Stephen. That rumor was immediately quashed. It doesn't matter that his sister is "intelligent, hard working, compassionate and dedicated to the people of South Carolina." Stephen will not be giving her free air time by mentioning those qualifications.

Besides, she's running as a Democrat. And there are so many, many Republicans (at least 16) running for that seat, including friend of the Appalachians, Mark Sanford. As a favor to all of those Republicans, Stephen gave excellent debate advice. On the chance that Elizabeth Colbert Busch wins, Stephen is pretty much telling her that she had better come on his show, The Colbert Report, and do an interview for "Better Know a District."

(Note: You may have realized that I have a link, well, a few links, to the website for Elizabeth Colbert Busch. There is a good reason for that. You should go to that website, click on the link that says "Meet Elizabeth" and then scroll down to the photo of "The Colbert Family." Do you remember that Stephen is the youngest child in his family.

In a break from tradition, Stephen had a short segment highlighting what his guest, Lawrence Wright, would be talking about. Probably his book, "Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & the Prison of Belief." And of course, they will talk about the subject of the book - Scientology and the Church of Scientology.

The two men began talking about the book immediately. Stephen started talking "Scientologist jargon" to Lawrence Wright. There is supposedly a lot of physical abuse and a lot of involuntary confinement in Sea Org which is sort of the people at the top of Scientology, the clerical class. There is a lot of controversy about Scientology, or controversy as the British pronounce it.

Stephen asked for evidence of abuse and Lawrence told him of twelve people who say they have been beaten by David Miscavige and more than twenty witnesses.

In an interesting development, Stephen pointed out that L. Ron Hubbard didn't believe in paying taxes. He died, but by 1993, Scientology owed a billion dollars in back taxes and they didn't have that kind of money. So, they launched 2,400 lawsuits against the IRS and its agents. They were able to get recognition as a religion and they agreed to drop all the lawsuits against the IRS and individual agents.

Stephen brought up all the celebrities that are in Scientology. Of course probably one of the more famous celebrities is Tom Cruise.

For those of you who are feeling a bit hungry right now, you might want to do what Stephen did at the end of the show and enjoy a nice, delicious watermelon.

And in a segment I have never done before, here are all the titles for this post that I thought of using but didn't. Some episodes are just naturally more conducive to good titles, or at least a good amount of possibilities.

Penny For Your Thoughts
Kids, Don't Try This Anywhere
Know a Better District
Holy Cow! My Sister Is Running For Congress!
Free Air Time
Former Governor of the Appalachian Trail
Your Middle School Diary
What's In My Prompter
Yum Yum, Watermelon
Billion Year Contract
I Should Start a Cult