The Secret Life Of Phil Robertson

Finally I'm done wrapping gifts and then opening all of them I wrapped for myself.

On Stephen's last show of the year, we got to see how the really rich send out Christmas cards. We learned from Fox News all the nasty Christmas scams to avoid. But probably the biggest gift of the season is the hoopla caused by Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty. And not because of all the hoopla, but because we got to see what Stephen would look like if he was a Duck Dynastian with a beard. (Part of me wonders if Stephen will use the two weeks off to grow a real beard. That would be wonderful.) Phil Robertson had his hand slapped, but he's back again and everyone's happy.

Ben Stiller was on to talk about his latest movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. And the Blind Boys of Alabama were on to sing "Go Tell It On The Mountain" with Stephen.

MusiCorps

There was more about on the War on Christmas, the chapter on Santa Claus/Saint Nicholas. The Honorable Hans Beinholz, U.N. Ambassador, stopped by to help Stephen explain it all to us. (Kinda reminds me of the jolly old elf, wouldn't you agree?)

Keanu Reeves was on the show Wednesday and he really makes Stephen angry because they are both the same age and yet Keanu Reeves looks much younger. Anyway, they talked about 47 Ronin and we got to see a video clip. Somewhat exciting and fast paced. And a bit of a chick flick.

It was one of the quietest interviews ever. Would have been better if Keanu Reeves didn't keep spoiling it by talking.

The music last night was MusiCorps Wounded Warrior Band and Aaron Neville.

For All Ages

Edward Snowden wants to go to Brazil, not surprising since it is December and the Southern Hemisphere is the place to be this time of year. No one wants to go to China right now because the smog is so bad, at least in Shanghai. But that can be a good thing.

There is a new coloring book out for Rafael Edward Cruz, or "Ted" Cruz as you probably know him. It's very interesting because, while you might think it's for kids, it's actually For All Ages.

Tuesday's guest was Garry Trudeau talking about Alpha House. There were many interesting portions of the interview, but two things stood out for me. One was that Stephen forced Garry Trudeau to say "Merry Christmas." The second was that we got to see a clip of Alpha House and Stephen Colbert was in the clip!

Joining Stephen for the Christmas Carol portion was Alan Cumming and Cyndi Lauper.

Ewok Breeding Program

Stephen is worried about Google buying up all kinds of robot companies, and buy that I mean companies that build robots, not companies that are run by robots. To protect all of us from that, he is planning on breeding Ewoks because they will be able to save us. He had a prototype Ewok and they are so cute. I feel safe knowing Ewoks will be helping protect us from robots.

Stephen introduced another wonderful idea of his, Total Analog Personal Encryption, which will allow you to disable the spying of you via your webcam when you don't even know someone is watching you. Stephen showed a product in a silver color, but I have also seen it in various other colors.

You will remember that Stephen is up for a Grammy. While discussing his competition and his acceptance speech, none other than Billy Crystal showed up on the show to, um, discuss family matters and relationships, as in who is the son of whom.

Jonah Peretti, Founder of BuzzFeed, was the guest on Monday night. (Yes, I'm slow getting posts up this week. I actually thought and planned that Stephen would have three weeks off, including this week. Silly me.)

Musical Christmas guests were Gregg Allman and The National. You can watch performances over at Colbert Nation if you missed seeing it on the TV machine.

You Want Proof?

I am way too busy. I won't get all my shopping done if I don't get out to the Mall. So, posts are likely to be abbreviated and by that I mean short and concise.

Sleep aids can have bad side effects. Prescott Pharmaceuticals has better ideas for sleeping.

Megyn Kelly of Fox News said Santa Claus and Jesus are white. However, Santa Claus was on Saturday Night Live last Saturday and he was black. That's all the proof I need. And Jesus, being born over in Bethlehem, well, he wasn't European, that's for sure.

George Packer was the guest talking about his book "The Unwinding - An Inner History of the New America." The book seems to be getting a lot of attention, but I would have thought they could have found a newer looking American flag for the cover. (You can read an excerpt from the book over at that link, for free!)

I'm Outraged, Outraged I Tells Ya

Gretchen Carlson is outraged. Blame Frank Costanza. There's a Festivus Pole in Florida's Capitol rotunda. As you can see from the photo at that link, it's huge. Gretchen Carlson, apparently, drives her kids down to Florida in search of Nativity scenes, and they can't see the Baby Jesus because the Festivus Pole blocks the view from Gretchen Carlson's kids.

I'd be upset too if I drove all the way to Florida. That's got to be about a 20 hour trip, give or take a few hours or days. If only there was another Nativity scene somewhere else, she wouldn't have to drive that far.

This really points out a larger problem though. Holiday Traditions are set in stone. They cannot be changed. Not for different times. Not for different cultures. Not for different beliefs. I know what some of you are thinking. "But what about the first time a holiday is celebrated?" Well, there's a starting point for Holiday Protocol, and once that is established, nothing can change. No new holidays can start. No old holiday traditions can lapse.

I'm not sure what the Holiday Protocol timeline is for Christmas, but I'm pretty sure Jesus had all his holiday shopping done by the first week of December. That just makes sense. He would be crazy busy by December 25th each year.

Anyway, to get back to the show, Stephen highlighted different traditions that contributed to what some now celebrate at this time of year. For example, gift giving comes from Saturnalia. Santa Claus has evolved through the years from Saint Nicholas, a Greek bishop.

Enough about Christmas, at least for now. In political news, Barack Obama shook hands, at Nelson Mandela's funeral, with Raul Castro which has some complaining, but then wouldn't they also complain if he had not made a simple gesture to shake hands and instead just walked past the man???

Again, back to the show. Stephen shared with us the story of Kevin Hitler which was interesting. If you need to move, Kevin's the guy to call. The reason he brought up Kevin Hitler at all was to illustrate brothers of famous leaders of nations. Raul is Fidel's brother.

Perhaps you have heard the controversy regarding the man who was the sign language interpreter for the funeral. That was a bit of a kerfuffle. I think most people watching him after a while would realize that the signing he was doing was basically the same few movements over and over. We got to see Stephen's interpretation of signing and while I must say that I did understand somewhat better what Stephen was attempting to communicate compared to what Thamsanqa Jantjie was "saying," I do not recommend that Stephen give up his day job. Enough said.

Stephen had a Christmas Music segment and he is not going to get nominated for a Grammy for that music. I did kind of like the dog CD though.

Stephen's guest on Wednesday was Elizabeth Gilbert, author of The Signature of All Things. You may remember her from her earlier book, Eat, Pray, Love. She and Stephen did not eat or pray or love on the show, but they did cover a lot of interesting topics on the show. Of course you can always go see it at Colbert Nation if you missed it live.

Squirrel With Martini

Tuesday night was great because we got to see another cute photo of a young Stephen. This time it was of him in second grade if I remember correctly.

But on to the other stuff. WalMart recently opened two stores in Washington D.C. There were 600 job openings and 23,000 applicants for those jobs. Do the math. Less than 3% would be hired. Stephen pointed out that more people get into Harvard!

Alex Blumberg was the guest and he was selling his T-shirt, "Squirrel with Martini." And he also talked about poverty as it relates to countries like Bangladesh where people sew T-shirts.

Tata Vanilla

Nelson Mandela has died and Stephen talked about other people talking about that. Rick Santorum had some nice things to say and then he basically said that ObamaCare equals Apartheid. Stephen honored Rick Santorum by dubbing him Tata Vanilla.

In keeping with a general charity theme, Stephen played a video clip of Bill O'Reilly talking about feeding the Poor. Papa Bear (not to be confused with Tata Vanilla) stressed how important it is to make sure the Poor, even if they are young children, are worthy enough to be fed. If Bill O'Reilly gives money, he makes sure he hands the money directly to the kids and not to the parents because the parents might be losers. Stephen pointed out how important that is. "Remember kids. You can trust people who hand money to you and say, 'Don't tell your parents!'"

Guess who is up for a Grammy!  Pete Seeger, along with David Sedaris, Billy Crystal, Carol Burnett, and yes, Stephen Colbert. That's a whole lot of talent. How can anyone choose the best person for this honor? I'm glad I don't have to decide. Perhaps Stephen should just practice saying, "It's an honor to just be nominated." If he wins, on the other hand, well he is already gloating, so he will handle that like a pro.

David Keith, author of "A Case for Climate Engineering," was the guest on Monday night. He told Stephen of his idea to spray sulfuric acid into the atmosphere as a way to slow down climate change, at least temporarily.

The Handwriting's on the Wall

Congratulations to Congress! The current Congress, the 112th, is the least productive Congress ever. One thing they did accomplish was to cut food stamps for the poor.

There is now a Chimp Retirement Plan for research chimps. But do they really need to retire? They have the experience to do some jobs in our country that would be helpful. Stephen highlighted just one of those jobs and gave details on why the chimps have the necessary credentials. Judging by the audience response, it was a popular idea.

In the Tip/Wag segment, it's always a treat when Stephen shares his 6th grade school picture with us. You can just see the sparkle in his eyes that tells you he was thinking journalism way back then. And to be a good journalist, you need to know how to write and that of course means cursive writing, or penmanship as we called it some years back. Ah the satisfaction of writing a row of e's or l's! I remember it fondly.

Remember Common Core? Those are educational standards and they don't include cursive? What?!? How can that be? Settle down, settle down. Instead of cursive, schools are teaching typing, or keyboarding to be more specific. Some people will not let this abandonment of cursive go easily though and there's a website, Cursive is Cool, with the details. (I only wish there website was in a cursive font, but I suppose there's no pleasing everyone.)


Personally, I can see advantages and benefits to teaching cursive. I think it is good to know how to curse when you are writing, but there is only so much time in the day, and would anyone say that kids today should not learn keyboarding? You can't even run a junkyard without having a computer inventory of all your junk cars and parts.

And did I mention that they have a website? The thing is, someone had to do keyboarding to put up that website.

There are many reasons for teaching and using cursive handwriting, in fact, there is even a list of 50 Reasons to Learn Cursive. Number 19 talks about the cost of handwriting versus technology:

"19. Handwriting is less expensive. Reducing cost is constantly an important factor with educational institutions. A simple piece and paper pencil is less expensive than keeping up with the latest electronic technology."

That is true, paper pencils are pretty darn cheap, but who is going to enroll their kid in a school that boasts "We don't use computers, we use paper and pencils!" And if you don't have computers, how will you look up the website for Cursive is Cool?

Stephen pointed out that AHAF (American Handwriting Analysis Foundation) is behind the website. So, if no one does handwriting, they will be out a job.

Rosa Parks sat on the bus all those years ago and it was important. The RNC posted on Twitter about her and then they posted again and kept it up until they finally had to stop. First they said, "Today we remember Rosa Parks' bold stand and her role in ending racism."


For more on Rosa Parks, you might really enjoy this segment by Jon Stewart over at the Daily Show. That's right, I'm sending Colbert fans over to take a look at Stewart. He has some good ideas also.

For Platinum Members, Stephen highlighted Freedom Ship. If you hurry, you can reserve your place on the ship for a mere $9 million. But that comes with amenities, carpets, lights, and finished walls.

Curse me. I spent so much time on Cursive Writing that I've run out of my ability to type any more letters. Typing takes so very long. Bryan Stevenson was Stephen's guest way back last Wednesday and he talked about the Equal Justice Initiative. I urge you to go take a look at the website. You can also view the interview with Stephen at that website or over at Colbert Nation.

Stephen Colbert vs. David Letterman

Perhaps I shouldn't say versus. Really, I just mean that Stephen Colbert will be a guest on David Letterman tonight. CBS at 10:35 p.m. How will I decide which sow to watch - David Letterman or The Colbert Report? Oh, yeah, I'll just TiVo both of them.

But more importantly, how can Stephen be in two places at once? Does he have an identical twin? Or maybe two identical triplets? David Letterman is on at 10:35 p.m. and The Colbert Report is on at 10:30 p.m. This will almost require magic to pull this amazing time-juggling miracle off.

However he does it, I'm just looking forward to Stephen being in the guest chair instead of the host chair. It promises to be interesting and entertaining.

Goodnight Moon

The new Pope is so Popish that he goes out at night and helps people. Stephen (and I presume others) are calling him BatPope. For those of you who do not remember what the old TV Batman show was like, you can watch Hi Diddle Riddle here. While I don't see the resemblance between Batman and BatPope, it's true that both men help people.

Typically, I get hungry when watching the The Colbert Report. Maybe that's because he often has the Thought for Food segment. Last night was about Trans Fat and interestingly enough, it's not actually food, it's really just an ingredient. It's all in the media because the FDA wants to ban it in food. And with media exposure comes opinions and controversy. This prompted Stephen to stand up for another conservative newsman, Tucker Carlson who said it's probably delicious. Said Stephen in his defense, "Now that might sound like an idiotic thing to say, but let me be the only person standing up for Tucker Carlson. If he's so stupid, why is he on Fox News?"

Even Rand Paul has weighed in on Trans Fat by saying, "They're coming after your Donuts."

Actually, they can just go back to making donuts the old fashioned way, you know, like grandma did.

Also in the Thought for Food Segment, we got to see a photo of a McD's frozen rib. oohh.

Stephen demonstrated the Double Robotics Double, basically an iPad on a Segway. But I've seen it before on South Park, the episode about Blockbuster on Halloween, so I wasn't impressed. Plus, it made me quite sad when Jay the Intern was fired.

Stephen's guest last night was Dr. Ed Stone, creator of the Space Age. The two men talked about Voyager, the Interstellar Mission. We have great photos of the larger planets, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune, and tons of information, thanks to Voyager. We also got to see, at the end of the show, Stephen Tiberius Colbert (channeling Sandra Bullock) present a NASA Distinguished Public Service Medal to Ed Stone.

Stephen signed off last night with a simple, "Goodnight, Moon."

The Colbert Rapport

Perhaps you've heard about amazon's new drone delivery system. Okay, it's not here yet and there may be some bugs to work out, but perhaps in 5 years you can have that item you just must have now delivered in 30 minutes. Some people have concerns, even amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, about such things as a drone landing on somebody's head. I wonder about the container it's delivered in. Do you just throw that yellow pod away? What if your cat pounces on the drone and destroys it? Do you have to pay for a new drone? Will it wait on the front step while you try on the sweater or bathing suit to see if it fits and immediately take it back if it's the wrong size?

Stephen came up with an idea that is much better. He told us all to close our eyes and imagine, but for those of us who couldn't resist the temptation to peek, he did have photos and graphics. His wonderful system would give shoppers instant gratification. He would have Spending Habit Opportunity Places strategically located near where people live and work. They would then go in these buildings, see the actual item they desire on a shelf, put it in a container called a cart, pay for it and it's theirs to keep, instantly. He would call it amazon live and it could be up and running by 2025.

It's December and you know what that means, it's War on Christmastime! Perhaps I'll write more about this in a later post, but if you want any information, just keep your ears and eyes open. It's everywhere.

Stephen's guest last night was Daniel Goleman. His newest book is Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence. The two of them talked about focus, when Stephen was paying attention, and also about empathy. Daniel Goleman said that perhaps the ability to pay attention could be a great predictor of later success. He mentioned Bill Gates and the Pope and their work with the poor of the world and how empathy enters in to that type of charity and caring.

The discussion between the two explored many avenues of intelligence or awareness. For example, Stephen brought up instances of how, at certain times, cavemen would be likely to be extremely focused. When Stephen asked about varying levels of focusing, Daniel Goleman brought up an example of when people are likely to be most focused. To prove he was actually paying attention, Stephen suggested a scenario where someone might combine maximum focus and minimum focus. According to Daniel Goleman, that would probably average out to 50% focus.

I think we can all agree that while Stephen might come across as somewhat self-focused, he does possess quite a bit of empathy and rapport if you get to know him well.

Birds and Bees

Do you like to eat food? Yeah, we all do. We have even seen Stephen eating a Thanksgiving Feast on his last show before he went on his Turkey Vacation. So today, before Stephen even gets a chance to talk about it before me, I have two food related tidbits that you can sample.

First, the birds. LoLa is a chicken. So is LoLa and also LoLa. (Every chicken is named LoLa!) Actually LoLa stands for LocallyLaid. Eggs. LoLa and all her friends are in the running to be on TV. You can find out more about LoLa here. You can even see a Peep Show. The voting ended December 1st, but it won't be too long before we know who wins. This is Egg-citing.

Next, the bees. Yes, they make honey and that is so sweet. But did you know they also are "critical in maintaining our diverse food supply?" They pollinate our food crops. What good is an apple tree if there are no apples on it? Am I right?

But bees are struggling to survive. And remember, you do like to eat food, don't you? So go over here and sign the petition at Save-Bees.org. There are 473 Total Signers now. Let's get that up to 1,000 by the time Stephen has his show tonight and then tell your friends and let's get that up to 10,000 before the week is out.

Bon Appetit!

Who Wants Seconds?

When we last saw Stephen, he was packing his suitcase. He's had it up to here. He's leaving the country and moving back to South Carolina. (Is that a commentary on South Carolina, or just a slip of the tongue?) No matter. What does matter is that it's the filibusters, or lack of filibusters, that drove Stephen to this desperate course of action. If the Senate doesn't have filibuster after filibuster, or just a hint of filibuster, well then, something might get accomplished and where would that leave us?

Stephen highlighted all the wonderful things about Oklahoma. For one thing, there was that musical, Oklahoma! But there's also the other side of Oklahoma, the one where spouses of National Guard members who are homosexual are being denied benefits. Since that might be discriminatory towards them, now it just makes sense to deny benefits to any spouse of a National Guard member. I hope that makes sense to you. It sounds a bit senseless to me.

It's Thanksgiving and so Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. In case your holiday dinner looks like it will be boring, you can get a real treat from Stephen. It's the "Stephen Colbert's Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? It's me, Stephen Colbert" DVD. We got a free sample of what to expect. Stephen treated  himself to a nice glass of Rosemount Shiraz, partook of a delicious turkey feast and shared such tidbits as, "I'm fat," and "Here's a bird I cooked for you," and "Who wants seconds?" I'm thinking he should not have had quite so much wine as he did.

Stephen's guest last Thursday was J.J. Abrams, author of "S." Finally. A book with a short title. This is a treat of a book as you can see if you follow that link to see a picture of the book and all that comes with it. And no, that's not a used copy of the book, that's what the book looks like once you dig into it! Cool. Go buy it.

Just two things I wondered about the show. What's with the squirrel? What's with the basket? Were they just meant to distract J.J. Abrams or do they have some mystical meaning?

Also, if you are really bored, you can go over to Google to see this year's Thanksgiving animated short.

Roy G. Biv

Funny story. Not willing to let Canada be in the spotlight of news, Congressman Trey Radel (R - FL), one of those voting for drug testing for food stamp recipients, was busted for cocaine possession.

The Winter Olympics will be in Sochi, Russia in 2014 and there is concern about rainbow colors and the LGBT community. It should work out okay though because the uniforms for the staff and volunteers will be so colorful that no one will notice if there's some extra colors that participants or visitors happen to wear.

MIA was the musical guest last night and was wonderful. You should go listen over at Colbert Nation if you did not see it. And of course there's the bonus song too.

Briefly, Very Briefly

WalMart is asking employees to donate food to each other and Rick Santorum gave Stephen a vest to wear on the show.

I'm on a roll to catch up on my posts. Perhaps they are too short. I'll have to evaluate that and maybe add some more.

And Brownie, You're Doin' a Heck of a Job

It was only last Thursday that Stephen invited the Colbert Nation to text Colbert to 50555 in order to send $10 to Convoy of Hope to help victims of Typhoon Haiyan. By Monday, they had donated $245,590 which is roughly a quarter of a million dollars!

There have been comparisons between the response by George Bush to Katrina and Barack Obama to  Obamacare. There have also been comparisons between Michele Bachmann and geniuses. Stephen had some examples. Here's a few more. You can compare two different things, but that doesn't mean they are similar. I think Stephen said that a hat looks nice on Chuck Todd. I'll double-check that and get back to you.

Alpha Dog exposed lululemon creator Chip Wilson. I would like to see Chip in yoga pants. That would settle this controversy once and for all. Maybe....

The guest on Monday was Steve McQueen, director of "12 Years a Slave."

Convoy of Hope

First off, Stephen invited Colbert Nation to text Colbert to 50555 to donate $10 to Convoy of Hope to help the Philippines Typhoon Rescue. He knows his Nation well.

Next, kittens! Stephen had a wonderful health segment:

Stephen Colbert's November Sweeps Prostacular. He was able to accomplish in 24 seconds what took Al Roker and Matt Lauer and 34 seconds. It was impressive and there were kittens. I hope to see lots more segments like this in the future on the show.

There was a little bit of talk about Ford Nation, but I still prefer the Colbert Nation.

Guest Alexis Ohanian, co-founder of Reddit.com, joined Stephen as the guest last Thursday.

I'll Find a Way

Phil Steel is excited. He wants to shoot down drones. The town of Deer Trail, Colorado is considering paying $100 bounty for U.S. Government drone debris. Well that sound interesting, but how are you going to prove what you have is actual drone debris? And how is Deer Trail going to prove what you have is not actual drone debris? Oh, and by the way, Phil Steel is selling shooting licenses so he's got himself a pretty little money maker.

Also on the show last Wednesday was Missy Cummings who had some solid reasons why drones are good. In fact, they could even fly in some needed medicine to outlying places. You know, places like Deer Trail, Colorado.

Stephen's guest was Jimmy Carter of Blind Boys of Alabama. Also on the show, was the Blind Boys of Alabama to sing a song from their new album, "I'll Find a Way." And yes you know there is a bonus song over at Colbert Nation.

Filled With Information

CBS 60 Minutes recently had a segment about Benghazi which turned out to have few facts and very little truthiness. Gretchen Carlson bragged on Fox News that they reported this less than factual information months ago. And I didn't know this, but Fox News has a motto. Stephen posted it for us to see. "We Report But You Should Really Check With Someone Else." In order to get the entire scoop about the fiasco at CBS 60 Minutes, Stephen interviewed a college intern who was disguised and using the alias of Poncho DeNews. It's good to get your news from sources who actually know what happened. Credit to Stephen for doing journalism the right way.

In the "I'm Not Running For President in 2016" segment, Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, was highlighted. He is on every TV news outlet you can find, reminding everyone that he is not even thinking about 2016 because he is focused on being the Governor of New Jersey. Just in case you have any doubts, Chris Christie has reminded all of us that 143,000 private sector jobs have been created in New Jersey. If you haven't heard him say that, you are not paying attention.

The guest last Monday (and sorry about being behind on posting....) was Peter Baker. He has a book out, "Days of Fire, Bush and Cheney in the White House" which is about bush and Cheney. Things were not always rosy with them. Take a look at the link. It gives you a good idea of what's in the book.

Vote For Stephen

I will be brief. Stephen talked about ENDA and LGBT. He doesn't always know what those initials stand for, but you can find out about ENDA from Al Franken here at Huffington Post. It sure seems like this is a law that is long overdue.

There's still a major sports team using a disrespectful team name. Stephen demonstrated by using a comparison of how bad something could be, but that just brought out a lawyer and Stephen had to sign here, here, and there. That usually happens after the show suffers some "technical difficulties." I can't think of a way to talk about it without saying the name, so I'll just send you over here to USA Today to read about the protests at yesterday's game. Even Jesse Ventura is quoted in that story.

There's a bit of bullying going on amongst some football players. Big time, scary bullying. This is not ice cube down your shirt type of joking around. This is calling people very bad names and threatening them. Read about Miami Dolphins controversy here at New York Daily News.

Now for some positive news. Have you ever heard of the People's Choice Awards? Well, Stephen, yes our Stephen Colbert, has been nominated for a People's Choice Award in the category of Favorite Late Night Talk Show Host. You, yes you, can vote for him.

Go here and then scroll down to Favorite Late Night Talk Show Host (near the bottom of the middle column) and click on that. Then scroll up again and vote for Stephen. Skip over Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. Then Click on Stephen to vote for him.

Here's the cool thing, you can vote for Stephen as many times as you want. That's right. Vote *** For *** Stephen *** as many times as you want. Wow. Wowie.

The guest last night was Daniel Lieberman talking about his newest book, "The Story of the Human Body, Evolution, Health, and Disease." This is cool. A lot of what the two of them talked about is at that link, so go take a look. I will tell you, he kind of hints at sugar and trans fat as being bad for us. But it was an interesting interview. Stephen kept trying to change the subject and get away from what Daniel Lieberman was talking about. But I give credit to Daniel Lieberman. He stayed on topic and while he may have agreed with some of what Stephen was saying, he kept plugging away at everything that he wanted to talk about without the need to be rude. I'm sure it's an interesting book.

Now, go vote for Stephen.

I'm a Ladder, You're a Ladder, Everyone's a Ladder.

Stephen claims to be a huge fan of the comic book genre but he is concerned about an old character getting a face lift. It's Ms.Marvel, or Ms. Marvelle as Ms. Rodriguez says. Stephen, who is often one of a quartet, is concerned that Ms. Marvel is a Shape Shifter. White that may indeed be a great super-hero attribute or talent, it still concerns him. For all we know, that lamp sitting on the dresser could be Ms. Marvel. I too am concerned about Shape Shifters. You never know when you are seeing one. And speaking of comic book fans, when are we going to see some more Tek Jansen? I don't know why I have to keep reminding Stephen of this.

And now something for the youngsters. It's a field trip on the Meet the Trees Foundation bus to visit the forest. Hah, but that was just a ruse to get the kids onto the bus. It's a Toys R (where is my backward R key?) Us ad. That's right, a bunch of kids get on the bus with "Ranger Brad," he starts quizzing them about different kinds of leaves, and then presto-change-o, he's taking them all to a Toys R Us store. The kids go wild, at least some of them do. Stephen pointed out the magic of "having a stranger take your kids on a bus, lie about where they're going, then take off his clothes and promise them toys." (Note to parents: Tell your kids not to get on a bus or in a car with someone who says he will buy them toys/ give them candy/ let them see a puppy.) Stephen gave Toys R Us a Tip of the Hat for reminding us that "Nature Sucks." And Stephen also added that Nature is Boring.

There are two things that bother me about that ad, besides just the creepiness that Stephen was so sharp to pick up on.

One. Remember how there's that joke that on Christmas morning the kids play with the box that the toy came in rather than the shiny, noisy, expensive toy you bought, I mean Santa delivered? Well, pay attention. Maybe, instead of all those electronic toys with bells and whistles, you should be getting simple toys that allow kids to, yes I'm going to say it, use their imagination. Buy them a toy that requires them to run and jump, not a toy that they watch someone else run and jump. And buy them toys that are educationally fun. Good old board games like Monopoly (classic edition that requires them to shake dice and count money), Scrabble, Clue, Battleship (I think that is a favorite of Stephen's) or Candyland for the younger set.

Two. This is the one that really worries me. Have you looked closely at that commercial? Have you looked at those kids? Pay close attention. Here's what "Ranger Brad" said. "Let's play Name That Leaf. What's this one?" (Notice the older girl with long brown hair in the red shirt.) "He says it's an Oak leaf. It's a Field Maple. That's okay." (Notice the young, curly haired kid wearing a blue shirt.) "I'm a big fan of trees, I don't know if you could tell." (Notice the little girl with white shirt and the one in the seat behind that girl who is wearing a pink sweater with a large collar.) "But we're not going to the forest today. We're going to Toys R Us." (And the  young, curly haired kid wearing a blue shirt is back!)

Okay. It is humanly impossible for kids to change seats on a bus that quickly. Ranger Brad was is in mid sentence. I know what's really going on. Those kids, all of them, are Shape Shifters! There is no other explanation.

So a warning to everyone. Buy toys wisely and watch out for Shape Shifters. Of course, I guess I don't know that Shape Shifters are bad actually. In fact now that I think of it, it might be a good thing. Say you're in a toy store and there's a really neat toy you want to buy but it's up on a tall shelf that you can't reach. If there's a little kid in the same aisle, ask if he is a Shape Shifter. If he says yes, ask him to Shape-shift into a tall basketball player and reach that toy for you! Or ask him to Shape-shift into a ladder and just climb up and get the toy yourself.

Stephen's guest last night was Brian Lehrer of Brian Lehrer Show fame. He's on the radio in New York City on WNYC. The two discussed the recent election. There will be a new mayor in New York City, Bill  de Blasio. Both men agreed that the new mayor has cool looking kids. But then they disagreed on other important stuff. Brian Lehrer seemed to think taxing the very rich people just a tiny bit more in order to send four-year-olds to Pre-K was a smart idea. Stephen, who would have to pay more in taxes, wondered about the wisdom of sending kids to school when they can't even read yet. As far as Mayor Bloomberg's legacy, Brian Lehrer said it will be all the good things he did for public health. And it could have been better had it not been for the Lollipop Guild.

And, on a final note, here's the reason I tune in to The Colbert Report. Stephen always has the breaking news before anyone else even knows it fell off the shelf. Stephen alerted us to the fact that the Empire State Building is going to be turned into public housing. I guess I better take that trip to New York City and see the Empire State Building while I can still ride the elevator to the top.

Bongy Loves You

Last night Stephen went out on a limb and declared Bill DeBlasio the winner for Mayor of New York. Also in mayoral news, Rob Ford of Toronto displayed his eventual honesty and vague memory of past events. There's been a bit of controversy about his relaxation techniques that you can read about here. Stephen had wonderful advice for someone who might be facing a situation similar as that of Rob Ford. Also it is important to understand that what happened in the past stays in the past.

Stephen had another Canadian story, this time about Esquimalt, British Columbia, or somewhere in Canada as the locals call it. There's controversy there as well. Stephen had thought there were some "Difference Makers" living there, but turns out they are not willing to confront tough issues and would rather just issue permits when trouble arrives.

Stephen had a fascinating story about insects that you can read about here at The Independent. I'm not going to say anything more about it because I'm starting to realize the topics of last night's show seem to be all those things that censors keep trying to get off the airwaves. The only thing missing is Rock and Roll! Stephen did have some racy video that he showed and he did talk about a parade.

So, on to the guest. It was Julius Erving, also known as Dr. J, who knows a little bit about basketball. He has a book out, Dr. J: The Autobiography, which Stephen didn't mention until nearly the end of the show. There is quite a bit of an excerpt from the book at that link and it makes for compelling reading, so you might want to go take a look. And maybe even buy the book.

But then on to the most important part of the interview, at least for fans of basketball. There was a contest between the two giants of the sports and journalism worlds. I won't say who won, that spoils the fun. You can watch online over at Colbert Nation. Someone should look into developing a similar sort of sports competition like that, maybe something worthy of the Olympics.

Pope on a Rope

Yet again ObamaCare is in the news. To some extent I wonder if that might be because on any given day at least one person is sick and needs health care. Some days there are probably more than one person who is sick or a person who needs surgery or probably some woman having a baby. Did you know that historically women have had to pay higher insurance premiums than men? It's true.

Some people think the system should stay that way with women paying more. The reasoning is that women have a long list of benefits that they get which includes maternity services, contraceptive devices, birth control pills and doctor and dentist visits for children. Somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking that it takes two to tango and I don't know why I'm thinking of that now. Oh, well.

We even saw a video clip from Fox that showed the overuse of medicine by women. Gretchen Carlson has Lyme Disease and Brian Kilmeade doesn't. See? No wonder people (men) are unhappy about paying the same as women. Have you ever heard of a man getting Lyme disease? I didn't think so.

The Fox Doc (Dr. Samadi) even explained it on Fox. Men have a prostate. Women have all those other body parts - the breast, the ovaries, and the uterus. Stephen figures he should be able to get a Pap smear if he has to pay the same amount as women. That just makes sense.

Stephen gave a shout-out to all the celebrities over at Fox and then gave some pre-interview attention to his guest - David Folkenflik. It seems that many Fox staffers went online, using many different aliases (as many as 100 for one person) in order to make comments that were very positive to Fox stories and news. (News and stories... whatever.)

This is the type of behavior that is likely to start other types of hooliganism and Stephen highlighted just such an example. Seems that one of his writers, who shall remain unnamed here even though Stephen outed him, designed an algorithm which is hilarious. It reminds me of Mad Libs.

@RealHumanPraise

How it works is like this: Positive movie reviews from Rotten Tomatoes have Fox people's names substituted in the review and it makes for hilarious fun. Just the kind of thing the kids will love on those long car trips. Even as I speak, it's up to 5,973 Tweets and 30,687 Followers and that in about just one week!

Here's just one example:

"All references to prophecy and the Antichrist aside, Shepard Smith Reporting achieves its horror the old fashioned way. #PraiseFOX."

Ah, fun and games. I just love it. But anyway, the guest last night, David Folkenflik, wrote a new book that seem so connected to everything Stephen talked about on the first part of the show. "Murdoch's World - The Last of the Old Media Empires." (Strangely enough, some of the commenters at that link aren't very kind when writing about the book about Murdoch. Could it be these are just aliases? I'm just saying.)

Stephen started off the interview taking David Folkenflik to task. "Are you jealous of Rupert Murdoch? Is it because he works for a successful business and you work for a non-profit?"
-------------------
In the Foot-in-Mouth segment of the show, David Folkenflik said this in response to Stephen's question. "This is about a guy who I think is, in many ways, the most influential media figure in the English speaking world."

"Excuse me," said Stephen with a blink, blink, blink, and then a smirk to his adoring audience. He acknowledged the applause from the audience and then said, "Go ahead."

Talk about a faux pas!
-------------------
David Folkenflik went on to tell Stephen about the absolute power of Rupert Murdoch. That prompted Stephen to ask why he would want to cross Murdoch with the things he put in the book.

Stephen took time out to read another of the tweets that praised Fox News. "Elizabeth Hasselbeck brilliantly portrays Michelle Malkin as someone with absolutely no sense of her own monstrosity."

Next we learned about all the phones hacked by Murdoch's staff. David Folkenflik didn't do that to get material for his book, he did it the old fashioned way, by interviewing people. Stephen pointed out that if he would have hacked Murdoch's phone, he would have gotten more information and he would have therefore been a better reporter. You can't argue with logic. Also one thing you can't argue with is that if you "tip" people, like Murdoch's journalists did, you can really find out hordes of information. Of course, some people think you shouldn't be giving large "tips" to law enforcement or politicians.

Stephen ended the show on a happy note, imagining what an expensive spa treatment over in England would feel like. Background: that was another of the "tips" given out to local authorities, law enforcement, etc. (Think Scotland Yard.)


And now @RealHumanPraise is up to 5,999 Tweets and 31,737 Followers.

Everybody Learns Bleep Blorp

I'm finally back from trick or treating. Stephen was in fine scary mode for the opening of his show. Nearly every scary sound or action was demonstrated in the first 15 seconds by a (sugar high??) Stephen.

In case you didn't watch today's Today show, Matt Lauer dressed as a babe in a bathing suit, prompting Stephen to ask Where in the World is Matt Lauer's Dignity?

Of course there was more on spying and NSA. Is it possible that the NSA spied on the Vatican? Stephen thinks it's a good idea since that's the best direct line to God. But some think that all this talk about invasion of privacy is overblown. For example, Representative Mike Rogers (R-MI) says that if you don't know someone is watching you, it ain't gonna bother you. Read a bit more here. I think his argument works for when you steal cookies out of the cookie jar. If grandma doesn't realize they're gone, you're in the clear.

Still more on politics. Jim Wheeler, Nevada State Assemblyman, would do anything for his constituents, or more importantly he would do whatever they told him to do. His recent comments about voting to bring back slavery has, predictably, got him is some hot water. He said it not so much to show what he thinks of slavery, but to show that he would vote for what his constituents want.

Stephen had an idea for a bumper sticker.

Jim Wheeler - You Want Slaves? - You Got'em

Stephen then put forth his own idea to see if Jim Wheeler was really willing to be that accountable. He came up with a plan and a petition. I'm sure we will here more on this as it develops.

Stephen's guest was Zach Sims. (Scroll down until you find the blurb about Zach.)  He's one of those people who gets into Columbia and then drops out. Don't judge him just yet. He still made something of himself. He is a co-founder of Codecademy. Go take a look here. You can learn how to code. For example, you can learn HTML. It's a fun step by step process that walks you through the process. I noticed on the website that they are hiring.

Stephen wonders what his parents think of what he has accomplished. Of course, that clues you in that Zach Sims is quite a bit younger than Stephen. And, his parents are quite happy with what he's doing.

Next they talked pick-up lines. Stephen suggested this.

Hi, I used to go to an Ivy League School. Now I work for free. On the Internet.

Perhaps the most interesting part of the show for me was when Stephen revealed just how he got started on the Daily Show which then paved the way for The Colbert Report. He used to work in those toll booths on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then one day, along comes Jon Stewart who obviously recognized the great talent Stephen had and told him to hop in the car because he (Jon) needed a correspondent.

So wow. Two great ways to be successful. One is to get into Columbia and then drop out. The other is to take money from motorists on the turnpike and wait for Jon Stewart to come along.

Jack Andraka

Stephen pointed out that there are politicians willing to go on record and criticize the votes of those  GOP Senators who voted on October 16 to lift the debt ceiling. Here's the names of the GOP Senators who voted to lift the debt ceiling:

Alexander (R-TN)
Ayotte (R-NH)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Blunt (R-MO)
Boozman (R-AR)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Chiesa (R-NJ)
Coats (R-IN)
Cochran (R-MS)
Collins (R-ME)
Corker (R-TN)
Fischer (R-NE)
Flake (R-AZ)
Graham (R-SC)
Hatch (R-UT)
Hoeven (R-ND)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kirk (R-IL)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Moran (R-KS)
Murkowski (R-AK)
Portman (R-OH)
Thune (R-SD)
Wicker (R-MS)

And here are the 27 prominent politicians who were willing to criticize those GOP Senators.

Alexander (R-TN)
Ayotte (R-NH)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Blunt (R-MO)
Boozman (R-AR)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Chiesa (R-NJ)
Coats (R-IN)
Cochran (R-MS)
Collins (R-ME)
Corker (R-TN)
Fischer (R-NE)
Flake (R-AZ)
Graham (R-SC)
Hatch (R-UT)
Hoeven (R-ND)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kirk (R-IL)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Moran (R-KS)
Murkowski (R-AK)
Portman (R-OH)
Thune (R-SD)
Wicker (R-MS)

Okay, now I'm seeing a problem and Stephen noticed it along with a whole bunch of other people. They criticized their own votes! Apparently it's so they can have it both ways. That way, during the next election they can say whatever will get the votes.

Stephen had a great political commercial. I'm sure we will see many like it when the elections for 2014 start rolling around. One can hope.

You may remember that Stephen talked about the new Big Area Touchscreens over at Fox News recently. Stephen reported more about that and showed Shephard Smith holding more of the latest technology and reporting. It was a "hand held biodegradable info sheet." And it's paper thin! That must be what they use for the news that is the most important just breaking news! All the other high technology screens and computers and such are used to play Candy Crush. Stephen then highlighted his latest techno toy - the "Super Newstendo Journo-Cube 3000." He is able to determine if stuff is Shiny or News. I think Stephen is winning.

Stephen's guest on Wednesday was Jack Andraka. He was excited to be on the show and get the Colbert Bump, but it doesn't seem like he needed it. Go read about Jack Andraka here. Pretty cool stuff, indeed. He invented a cheap test for pancreatic, ovarian and lung cancer, he won the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair top prize, and he's 16 years old. Wow. Wowie! At one point, Stephen, with a smug look on his face said, "Don't patronize me, I know what you're talking about." I'm sure we all have a great understanding of detecting cancer with cheap materials, but if you want to learn about garage medicine, go read about him and/or watch over at Colbert Nation at the section Watch more full episodes under "Most Recent Episode." This guy might even save your life someday!

Plagiarism

Tuesday's show,  I'm sure everyone will agree, was pretty much The Endive Report instead of The Colbert Report. And all because Stephen mentioned Adam and Endive in a previous show, and then got a case of endive from Rich Collins of California Endive Farms out there in California I presume, and all because he knows the correct way to say endive. (It's On-Deev not N-Dive.) I wouldn't mind a free case of endive, so here goes. "On-Deev." I'll be watching my doorstep every day in hopes of getting free endive. In the meantime, go over here and read all about endive. They even have a recipe for Endive Pizza!

Stephen shared his enthusiasm for endive.

He went on to share some money making tips in "The Word." Did you know you can make top money by selling your kidney? No. You can't. It's illegal to sell a kidney even though we usually are born with two which is obviously one too many. He went on to mention our work ethic and highlighted Dick Cheney. He had many ideas for buying and selling body parts.

We haven't heard much about politics from anybody in a long time and so Stephen brought us up to date. In Virginia there will be an election for Governor soon. A Washington Post poll is out about the two leading candidates and it shows Terry McAuliffe at 51% while Ken Cuccinelli at 39%.  There are many reasons for the wide split and Stephen talked about that.

To help win back support, Ken Cuccinelli called upon Rand Paul to help out on the campaign trail. But msnbc's The Rachel Maddow found fault with Senator Paul's research methodology. (Please note that although that is exactly what Stephen said on his show, I see no need to credit those words to him or to provide footnotes because this blog is not some sort of academic paper.) It seems he quoted passages from Wikipedia on at least two occasions. One was from "Gattaca" and the other from "Stand and Deliver." (One thing I like about Wikipedia is that it is often updated and current. Be sure to read the last paragraphs at both of those Wikipedia links. )

And for those of you who might not know who Rand Paul is, here's what Stephen said. And just for fun, go over to this completely different link and be sure to read the last paragraph in the section "Tenure" under "U.S. Senate career."

Poet Laureate, Billy Collins, was Stephen's guest. He's a popular poet which Stephen seems to think means he can't really be a Poet Laureate. Around 400 years ago in England, the job of the Poet Laureate was to document historical events. Nowadays, we have radio, TV, Internet, etc., but still we hang on to our Poet Laureate. "Aimless Love" is the book he wrote recently and also one of the poems in the book. The two men read from page 189 of the book and Stephen's audience loved it! So, it sounds like a great book. Go buy it.

I Love You Stephen

It stands to reason that the audience members are not there because they are indifferent in their feelings toward Stephen. All it took for them to express those feelings was for Stephen to suggest that they holler, "I love you Stephen." And they did. Whisper? Yep, they did that too, but it still didn't lift the spirits of Stephen. The ObamaCare website has him feeling depressed. He misses the ObamaCare website lady's picture. Who can blame him?

Mark Mazzetti was on the show (the pre-interview portion) to talk with Stephen about his book, "The Way of the Knife" and to explain all things security-related to Stephen. He explained that probably the U.S. is paying attention to other countries. We've been doing it since at least 2002 which I presume is when Obama was Pre-President. Mark Mazzetti told Stephen that for the most part, everyone spies on everyone else. Now I'm worried. What if someone is reading this post?

Orlando Bloom stopped over to chat with Stephen on Monday night. Orlando and Stephen are fans of each other. Currently, Orlando is doing "Romeo and Juliet" on Broadway. Before they could talk about that, there was a Hobbit question, but then back to Romeo and Juliet. It is an updated version, whatever that means. In listening to the discussion about Romeo and Juliet, Stephen announced that it seems to him that it is a lot like West Side Story.

Orlando Bloom has been in many hugely successful movies, movies that went on to have more success with sequels. There was Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings, or, as Stephen put it, all the Of The's.

So, if you enjoyed that classic boy meets girl story in West Side Story, you might enjoy Romeo and Juliet. Stephen saw it. No he didn't. Yes he did. No he didn't.

You Say Philanthropy, I Say Philantrophy

Stephen was upset about a lot of stuff on last Thursday's show and it almost made me just not write about it. But, well, he's a journalist and sometimes you have to expect that there will be personal feelings that get in the way of the news.

One thing that has him going is the girly hats the Marines are going to have to wear. If that's not bad enough, now it seems that the Navy will be dressing their members up in sailor outfits.

Stephen talked about The Word and it was Philantrophy. I didn't quite understand what he was talking about. At first it seemed like it was about politics because he mentioned Michael Steele. But then I though it might be about saving endangered species. Or maybe it was about hunting. I guess in the end, it boils down to that age old saying, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

Stephen Fry was Stephen's guest. (Sometime I should keep track of how many Stephens or Stevens he has on as guests...) It was a delightful interview because it was more like a friendly chat over a cup of tea. Stephen Fry is currently in Twelfth Night at the Belasco Theater. And while it is important to talk about what the guest is doing, perhaps the more important thing we learned is that Stephen Colbert knows more about Tolkein than even Tolkein does! They also did some tweeting and yes that also is important. We also found out a little bit about Stephen's favorite jeweled accessories he wore during his teen years.

But the thing that was the most curious to me was the glasses that Stephen Fry was wearing. Maybe I'm just hopelessly naive about eyeglasses, but I have never seen any like what he had. Mostly he wore them around his neck. When he needed to look at his smartphone, he put them on. (That was off camera.) But when he took them off, he pulled them apart up by the bridge of his nose and then hooked them together, I assume via magnets, under his chin! Maybe that's some sort of English thing. It was new to me and if it's new to me, then that makes it news.

Pumpkin Patch

Well, Stephen started out last night complaining/rejoicing about the Affordable Care Act website. It has some glitches. He revealed that the company in charge of making the website, CGI (Conseillers En Gestion Et Informatique) is from Montreal, Canada. Okay, if he is aware of a problem with them, why did he not ask Win and Will Butler to pull some strings up in Montreal? The two Canadians were on his show on Monday. Surely they know someone back in Montreal that knows someone that could just fix it.

To show how easy/hard it is to sign up, there was a special segment about signing up for ObamaCare. It was called, "Stephen Colbert's I Tried To Sign Up For ObamaCare." To do so, he moseyed on over to The Foodbank of Monmouth and Ocean Counties and met with the Executive Director, Carlos Rodriguez who is neither a doctor nor a chef.

Stephen presented various scenarios that would impede his ability to sign up for ObamaCare. Luckily, a Navigator, Debbie Palacios, was available to help him. This was good, because we were able to see what types of information would be needed and what would not be needed. We learned that no exams are given when you sign up. We learned that Stephen had many misconceptions about the whole process of filling in his application. He also seemed to be on the defensive quite a bit. But he did put on his exam gloves and worked through the process. He was reluctant to tell her his birthday. Apparently he is sensitive about his age. Also, not happy that she would not be getting him a present. Anyway, rather than give out that information, he had her guess how old he was. Debbie correctly guessed 30 years old.

There were questions about whether or not Stephen had stopped working or changed jobs and of course the correct answer to that was, "I won two Emmy's." While she did need that information, she did not need Stephen's sexual history, which he would have been happy to talk about, but that was Too Much Information for the application. There was discussion about insurance choices and the ability to keep one's own doctor. Again, we found out Too Much Information from Stephen.

But in the end, he was able to go through the process and successfully get to a computer screen that said, "This webpage cannot be found." He was ecstatic! So much so that he left the building on Cloud Nine but soon found out why having insurance is so important.

Stephen's guest last night was two people - Judy Woodruff and Gwen Ifill. They are the anchors on PBS NewsHour. Stephen boasted, yes I think I can say that he boasted, about only needing half an hour to do the news. Gwen Ifill told him that on their show, they never run out of time. They do "in depth" coverage. As a matter of fact, they present the facts and let the viewers decide for themselves what it all means. Interesting tidbit about PBS NewsHour. Many college students explain to Gwen Ifill that they get their news from Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart. Gwen Ifill then tells these college students that Stephen and Jon use Gwen and Judy's show as their source for real news!

Vertical Stripes Are Slimming

I think I'm like most people, including Timmy, who think the lion is the best beast. Stephen informed us otherwise. Tiger is better. You can compare for yourself by reading here about lions and reading here about tigers. Interesting stuff at those two pages. I even think Dorothy and friends (of Wizard of Oz fame) were wrong. By looking at the Range Maps, you can tell that lions are in Africa and Tigers are in Asia. So when Dorothy was saying "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!" she probably should have been saying "Lions OR Tigers OR Bears, Oh My!" Just a little technical glitch back in Oz.

Speaking of fried chicken. In Thought For Food, Stephen dissected that KFC Go Cup TV commercial  where the two police officers are in the squad car and the KFC Go Cup seems to be the favorite cop food. Then he exposed Fox and Friends and their shameless product placement of the aforementioned KFC Go Cup. A better and easier-to-eat idea was Stephen's Wheel Meat. You can have your fried chicken right on the steering wheel. It couldn't possibly get better than that.

In what must be an amazing coincidence, right before Stephen came back from the break, there was a KFC Go Cup commercial, the very same one that he had dissected on the show! Of all the commercials, it just happened to be KFC Go Cup. Go figure.

Christmas is coming, and that's Stephen's favorite holiday. You better hope you are on his list because he shops from a trendy catalog. It's the Neiman Marcus "The Heart of Giving" Christmas Book 2013. One gift suggestion is a diamond ring experience. Not only do you get to design your ring, but you get to go to Africa and experience the whole fantastic process for yourself. It's about $1.9 million. For half that price, Stephen can do the same for you. He's teamed up with Prescott Precious Stones to offer The Colbert U-Pick-'Em Blood Diamond Experience at the affordable price of only $1 million.

Stephen's guest Tuesday night was Pulitzer prize winning author A. Scott Berg. He is the author of "Wilson." (The president, not the volleyball.) Even though Wilson got us into World War I and started the Federal Reserve and did lots of progressive things, such as trying to get us into the League of Nations, A. Scott Berg thought he did a pretty darn good job. Woodrow Wilson was a fan of what you would probably call a Level Playing Field. Seems like a good idea. He also was in favor of health insurance, but his website wasn't anything to brag about.

Splendiferous Loquaciousness

The Shutdown is over and I have been celebrating. The nation lost about $24 billion in that deal, but don't worry, Congress still got paid and they are all back doing their job (working on gridlock, according to Stephen).

In a related story, a hungry woman was arrested in Bellefontaine, Ohio for taking $2.87 out of a pretty fountain in order to buy some food. She's unemployed. Someone should tell this woman to run for Congress.

But, to get back to the show, Ted Cruz is excited because, "We saw the House of Representatives take a courageous stand, listening to the American people that everyone in official Washington just weeks earlier said would never happen. That was a remarkable victory."

In a segment that might have been labeled "Let's Blame Someone" but wasn't, Stephen talked about Dr. Keith Ablow, Psychiatrist over at Fox, who gave a "brilliant long distance diagnosis" of President Obama. Stephen was amazed at Ablow's "yankability." Stephen even staked his professional reputation and said that Dr. Ablow is able to retain that which he has grasped and even now is allowing his creativity to blossom and move his thought processes to tomorrow's show. (I'm paraphrasing somewhat.)

Education is important of course. Why else would we watch the The Colbert Report if we didn't want to learn stuff? Unfortunately, U.S. students aren't doing so well on the global level. In fact, "...students in Latvia, Chile and Brazil are making gains in academics three times faster than American students..." Stephen pointed out that that is almost twice as much and I think we have discovered the problem.

Enter the Common Core Standards. Sounds good, but here's a related problem. Robots are grading test papers. They can grade 6,000 essays in 20 seconds. One way they do this is by simply counting. How many letters in a word? How many words in a sentence? How many sentences in a paragraph?  Go read about Mr. Bleep Blorp's method and success at grading papers. Then, next time you take a test, just put in big words, long sentences and lengthy paragraphs. Or should I say enormous words, gargantuan sentences and humongous paragraphs? I think we can all agree that this will end all the controversy about kids taking too many standardized tests and teachers teaching to the test. As long as kids use big words when writing essays, content will not be important.

You know, it reminds me of one of my college professors. He could grade research papers in five seconds! He would stand at the top of stairs in the old library and throw all the papers down the staircase. The ones at the bottom got an A and the ones at the top got an F. It worked for him.

Stephen had a short literature segment about dinosaurs. It was interesting in that I learned something I had not known before about our scaly friends.

The guests on Monday night were The Reflektors - Win and Will Butler. They are from Montreal. That's in Canada which was a nice tie-in because Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, eh? They discussed with Stephen some other Canadian bands, namely Bachman-Turner Overdrive and Arcade Fire.  Win, Will and Stephen all agreed that BTO is the better band. Arcade Fire is "kind of pretentious." The interview turned into a travel promotion for Haiti. But of course they sang a song and of course there is a bonus song over at Colbert Nation. But sadly, we got to see what the staff at Colbert Studio does when Stephen is away. Arts and Crafts, Mischief Making and general poking fun at Stephen's big head. At times I was even confused at to who was actually playing instruments and who was singing.  I think it just points out how important it is for anyone to pay attention to details in the fascinating world of music and music makers.

Speaking of Potatoes, Chris Matthews is Here

I always wonder where Stephen is and what he is doing when the The Colbert Report goes on hiatus. I mean, it's not like he consults with me before making his plans. However, through diligent research and fact finding, and also watching TV and looking on the Internet, I found out what he did last night.

He was at the 68th Annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner. I imagine my invitation was lost in the mail. Stephen Colbert was the Keynote Speaker. In case you would like to read some of his best jokes from that dinner or even listen to his speech you can find it over at Huffington Post.

Whoosh! Whoosh! Very Loud! Zoom In Now

It's no secret that I turn to the Journalism Guru over at the The Colbert Report when I need up-to-the-minute news reporting. Stephen Colbert has all the trophies to prove his superiority, yet others keep trying to gain an advantage. Recently, Fox updated their news room with Big Area Touchscreens or BATS.

Well, that doesn't compare at all to the size of stuff over at the Colbert Studios. Stephen uses Big Unbelievably Large LED Super Hyper Information Technology. And, he has Feline Media Managers. It's a complicated yet streamlined process whereby important news goes to the Print Center, then to the News Separator. Next it is upshoveled to the Kinetic Journal Chamber where a journalist hand selects the most relevant news. (Is it just me or does that journalist in the Kinetic Journal Chamber look more like an art teacher than a journalist?)  News is delivered to Stephen by Mr. Falcon and then Stephen feeds it to Mr. Tweetbot, the Social Media Coordinator.

So, after all this news gathering and digesting, we found out this important news story:

Miley Cyrus has gone too far.

Oops, after a verification process, we found out that Miley Cyrus has not gone too far. In a sad turn of events, we had to actually watch Stephen being unverified.

Luckily, Stephen survived being unverified and came back after the break. As proof of the journalistic talent and also investigative reporting skill of Stephen Colbert and his team of news makers and takers, we found out that yes, there is some graffiti on the walls of the Colbert Report Studio and surprisingly it was not done by Banksy. Through clever thinking and analysis, Stephen reported that it was actually Tom Hanks, or Hanksy, that did the artffiti.  I would not have expected that from Tom Hanks.

Stephen welcomed Reed Albergotti and Vanessa O'Connell to the show to talk about bicycles. Actually, they talked about their book, "Wheelmen: Lance Armstrong, the Tour de France, and the Greatest Sports Conspiracy Ever."

They combined their knowledge of white collar crime and dope to come up with the scoop on Lance Armstrong. Stephen doesn't think it's such a big deal because it's not as if it was the Tour de America. The story though is about all the conspiracy and secrets and lying.

We got to learn about all sorts of ways to dope and not dope. One would hope that there will maybe be more scrutiny in the future. One can hope.

* In case you didn't know, Stephen is on break this week. This post is about last Thursday's show.

Oops, Sorry About That

I should check each link I put in my posts, but I admit it. Sometimes I get lazy or just forget. I looked today at last Friday's post, and realized I did not have the link I originally intended for "Captain Phillips," that movie with Tom Hanks as a ship captain. Now I have corrected it and I'll even put it here if you want to go look at it.

Link to Captain Phillips movie. 

Once you go to the link, you can proceed to site and then to the video trailers of the movie. I have always wondered how life boats like those on the ship get into the water. Did they get lowered with ropes and pulleys? Looks like that's not how it's done. Looks like kind of a rough launch!

So, anyway, sorry about having that link wrong in previous post.

Things That Need Major Renovation

Yes of course the shutdown continues, mostly because no one will buy John Boehner a table. So...

Twitter is planning an IPO. Is that like IHOP? I'm not sure, but I do know this. If you want to Tweet, you go to Twitter. If you put your money on Tweeter, you are a Twit.

Stephen talked about his favorite Congresswoman/Piano Teacher Who Sits Too Close To You Michele Bachmann. He is sad because she is not going to run for re-election in 2014. Luckily someone is ready to step into her shoes and fill her void as soon as she is out of there. It's Tom Emmer. Interesting tidbit. He has a commercial which highlights his run for office as well as a business enterprise that will put siding on your house. Wow. Stephen wondered why no one has done this before. Mixing politics and private business and endorsements, and stuff like that in the same commercial. The reason why is going to hit your funny bone. Stephen explained it to us. It's kind of illegal! It was (future?) friend of the show Sally Jo Sorensen that spotted that ad and blogged about it here.

Tom Hanks was Stephen's guest on Wednesday. It's sort of a deja vu week. Is that the right term??? We had a boat guy guest on Monday night (James Spithill) and now Tom Hanks talking about his new boat film, "Captain Phillips." And we had some Minnesota politics with Tom Emmer and the other stars in the "Captain Phillips" film are from Minnesota!

Anyway, Tom Hanks was his usual intelligent, witty self, which is why he's so popular, I guess. The two men had a fascinating discussion about beards and how that can affect the personality of the beard grower. (It takes muscles to grow a beard, by the way.) Stephen asked a simple question halfway through the interview. "You actually shot this..." and Tom Hanks finished the sentence for him, "on film." Not quite what Stephen was fishing for. But they actually shot it on board one of the Maersk ships. We even learned a bit of technical pirate tactics. With the ships loaded with stacks of cargo containers, it is very difficult to get on board. But the pirates in the movie went to Home Depot and bought a ladder. So, apparently, one of the first times that ladder technology was used. Stephen had to resort to 20 questions to get more answers from Tom Hanks, but still a great interview.

So, if you are looking for a movie to go to this weekend, how about "Captain Phillips?"

How to Draw A Menorah

The Shutdown continues, so nothing new there.

What is new is an attack on yet another holiday - Thanksgiving. In a rare occurrence, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah fall on the same day. It had Stephen concerned because now kids won't know whether to draw around one hand for a turkey or two hands for a menorah. So of course he demonstrated and of course it did not go well. Did not go well to the point of defacing his own face. It's worth a look over at Colbert Nation.

Stephen's guest on Tuesday was Paul Giamatti. He stars as Abraham Zapruder in the movie Parkland, about the assasination of John F. Kennedy. Paul Giamatti is, I think, one of those actors that is in so many movies and he just blends in to the part so well, that you don't even realize he's an actor. You almost don't notice or recognize him. I mean that as a compliment, so I hope he takes no offense. He is quite good. In fact, even though it is 2013, he has already been in movies that don't even happen until 2014! Incredible. Does he have a time machine?

Anyway, you can watch the trailer for the movie Parkland here.

Banksy Stay Away

We are in shutdown mode still and Stephen detailed all the compromises offered up by the Republicans, including the one where Mitt Romney would be the president. In the words of John Boehner, "This isn't some 'blah blah' game." (Words substituted for real words that he used.)

On the show was the actual "Not a Game - The Government Shutdown Home Game." It's great when Stephen can showcase some good old fun board games. The Democrats, Republicans and Tea Party were all represented by game pieces, there was a timer to be ignored, and cards to show what public opinion was so that you could gauge how well you were doing. Brendon, a nice enough kid, was there to try to play with Stephen. It did not go well. Not for Brendon who never even got a turn. Not for Stephen who was almost immediately shut down (pun intended) by public opinion.

Stephen talked briefly about the Supreme Court and even had friend of the show, Emily Bazelon on to discuss the mysterious workings of SCOTUS. You don't want to know.

Stephen also got into a fine arts session, highlighting the work of, or should I say, downgrading the work of, Banksy. Some of you may be familiar with Banksy and some of you may not have heard of him until Stephen talked about him. He is from the UK but is coming to the streets of New York for some kind of artist-in-residency I guess. Here's his website. You can go take a look. I did and realized that he is not so much of an artist as a Graffiti-ist. I don't encourage that. In fact, I discourage that. In fact, to show him what I think of his tactics, I got my own can of spray paint and wrote "You should not be doing this!" on his website. That was a mistake. All I accomplished was to wreck one of my monitor screens. I am so glad I have two monitors. I guess I don't know much about hacking someone's website.

Anyway, Stephen shares my opinion of this Graffiti-ist and is trying to keep him from practicing his craft anywhere near his studio. He has blank walls on the studio that face the street, just perfect for someone to spray paint. Banksy won't be able to do anything to them though. Stephen has already put up a large frame with a note painted above it on the wall saying, "Banksy: DO NOT VANDALIZE." Problem solved. There's no way Banksy will be able to do anything to The Colbert Report studio exterior wall located at 513 W 54th Street. Stephen, as usual, is one step ahead of everyone else. Including Banksy. Hah!

It has taken me a while to write about Monday's show. I was out at the lake, wrapping tin foil around my row boat in order to turn it into a super fast water craft. It didn't work.

Stephen's guest on Monday had better luck. James Spithill was there to talk about winning the America's Cup. Funny thing is, he is from Australia which is really, really south. He definitely had a southern accent. Anyway, there was video of the race and it looked like a lot of fun. Probably most of the time they sit around sipping cocktails until the wind blows a bit. Actually, I don't know much about it, but how difficult could it be? Put the boat in the water, wait for the wind, win the race.

It kind of sounded like Stephen may be working some sort of deal to help out next time. I think he should go for it.

Mike Cassesso and MaiLien Le

The Shutdown is still here. It occasionally makes for some ruffled feathers. It also holds the allure of what could be in Stephen's Secret Mystery Box for the Republicans if they agree to end the impasse. Or they could get what's behind the "curtain."

As I've hinted at before, there will be ripple effects from the Shutdown, and now brides and grooms are finding out that their carefully planned ceremony for their special wedding day is in jeopardy. That includes the wedding of Mike Cassesso and MaiLien Le which was scheduled for this coming Saturday at the Jefferson Memorial. This was a disaster in the making. But, did you know that Stephen Colbert is an Ordained Minister of the American Marriage Ministries? It's true. He showed his license which I am inclined to believe is legitimate.

So, why would Stephen talk about this part-time job of his? To save the day, that's why. You might not believe this, but Stephen Colbert married the happy couple, Mike Cassesso and MaiLien Le on his TV show. It was:

The 2013 Government Shutdown Wedding of the Century!

 Mandy Patinkin showed up to give a non-denominational Jewish blessing for the bride and groom. He also put in a plug for the new season of Homeland starting this fall on Showtime. Audra McDonald sang for the first dance. Stephen conducted himself and the wedding perfectly. It was a match made in the studio.

Stephen's guest last night, and I don't know if he was invited to the wedding or not, was David Finkel. The latest book by David Finkel is "Thank You For Your Service." It is about the trauma that our soldiers have gone through and continue to go through even after they are home. He encouraged Stephen and any of us to start a serious conversation with these Veterans. It's the least we can do.

Midvale School For the Gifted

I decided a while back on a neat strategy to make myself exercise when I really didn't feel like doing so. I walked a mile after the first time the House voted to repeal ObamaCare. It went quite well. A mile is not that far to walk on a nice sunny day with a little bit of a breeze. Then they voted to repeal it a second time and I made myself walk two miles a day when they announced their vote to repeal ObamaCare. I figured that even if they should, for some strange reason, vote to repeal ObamaCare a third time, it would still be okay. The exercise was good for me and the weather has been great.

However, this plan of mine is not working out as well as I had anticipated. Who knew they would take it this far? Voting 42 times to try to get rid of some or all of ObamaCare?

You know what it reminds me of? That Far Side cartoon by Gary Larson, the one about Midvale School For the Gifted. It's the one with the kid pushing on the door to Midvale School For the Gifted even though the door handle says "Pull." No matter how many times he pushes on the door, he will not succeed in getting in to the building.

There must be a word for that. Something about doing the same thing over and over again.

Tip and Gip

Day Two of the Government Shutdown and some folks (friends) are saying it's not that big of a deal. In fact, they are calling it a slimdown. Who could argue with slimming down? Well, about 9 million Women, Infants and Children who will soon run out of supplemental food. I thought about going over to the website for WIC, and wouldn't you know it? I fell for it again. The government is shut down and so the website for WIC is not there. So I couldn't get the information I was looking for. Something should be done about this shutdown.

And something is. President Obama has called for Congressional Leaders to come, sit down and talk this over. Republicans are doing their part by not blinking. Friend of the show, Michele Bachmann, is vowing to take No Doz. This should be a comfort to those hungry women, infants and children.

Killing people is bad, okay? Writing books about killing people can get you lots of money. And if God talks to you while you are sleeping and tells you to write these books, then you are Bill O'Reilly. Well, actually, it's the Holy Spirit that told Bill O'Reilly to write books about killing people.

Just as Stephen was explaining all this voices in your head in the middle of the night, God stopped by the studio, cast his golden glow upon Stephen, and let him know that Joan of Arc is a drama queen. We also found out that God talks to Stephen before he talks to Bill. In fact, God first told Stephen to write that book about Jesus and then Stephen whispered to Bill in the middle of the night that he should write it. Wow, and to think that I almost skipped watching tonight in order to made cookies.

Chris Matthews, champion talker and host of Hardball, was the guest last night on the show. He has one of the most distinctive laughs that I can think of. Hah! He has a new book on the shelves now, "Tip and The Gipper, When Politics Worked." The book is about Tip O'Neill, Speaker of the House, and Ronald Reagan, President of the United States. They were from opposite political parties, yet they could sit down in the evening and be friends.

Stephen was critical of the idea or ideal by Chris Matthews that politics should work. Think back, as Chris did, that our country was founded on the idea of talking, agreeing, compromising, coming to a decision and then moving forward. Heck of an idea, by the way. The two men argued more or should I say discussed more about politics and Reagan. They also came up with another book idea, well actually it was Chris Matthews who coined the title. Stephen did not discount the possibility of the make-believe future book being a best seller, but I wonder if other people will weigh in on this potential book. (Before they do, remember what you all say about Free Speech...)

I thought Chris Matthews did a fine job of explaining his thoughts and opinions. Just in case Stephen didn't get it, he asked Stephen at the end of the interview, "Am I clear?"

Now for something completely different. I really thought Stephen's tie last night was nice. It was subtle, it was stylish, it went quite well with his choice of a shirt. I also liked his tie from the night before. So Monday and Tuesday he wore nice ties. Only problem is, I think it was the same tie. Who does that? Who wears the same tie two nights in a row? Was it just my imagination? I don't think so. What happened? Did Stephen stay at the studio all night long on Monday preparing for Tuesday's show? That is one explanation, but there are so many more possibilities.

Stephen, if you're reading this, please give me a call and let me know what's up with that. Thanks.

Jay the Intern Panda or is it Jay the Panda Intern - Whatever

Yep the Government has shut down and Stephen is willing to help by taking on the duties of many of the government agencies. First off, the FDA. Stephen is willing to do drug testing and has started by taking some tiny little pills from a round pill dispenser that reminds me of a makeup compact. It belongs to his stage manager, Brenda, and I sure hope she won't have any problems from missing just a few of those tiny pills.

Panda Cam is also shut down. Even though it is run by volunteers, they are not allowed on the zoo grounds during the Government Shutdown. Just when I was going to start watching a cute little panda on a web cam, it goes dark. Jay to the rescue! Jay volunteered, or perhaps Stephen volunteered him, to dress like a Panda and perform in front of a web cam. Jay is so cute. No way could this ever turn out bad.

ObamaCare is Here! So are the glitches, the overloaded websites, the long waits for your computer to finally get with the show, and the error messages. While some are complaining, Stephen did point out that "Too many people signing up is always the surest sign that nobody wants it."

Stephen highlighted a glitch that no one else has thought of other than Sustern van Greta. "If I don't have a computer, what about me?" Good point because how could you possibly connect with someone in another city and communicate with them without actually being in the same place as them? Wow, there's another idea to make that work - it's called a phone. There are also Navigators to help you navigate your way to health insurance. Sustern van Greta admitted that she was clueless.

Stephen likened the ObamaCare Act, which need I remind you is the law of the land, to a scheme just like insurance. And we all now how insurance turned out, right? The White House has taken to tweeting adorable photos of animals and is calling it the Adorable Care Act. That is so cute. Meanwhile, the Koch Bros have hilarious ads of young people in examining rooms with a large headed Uncle Sam preparing to do the doctor examination. Wait a minute. Is that Jay the Intern under that Uncle Sam giant head? No, I guess it's someone else. Jay wouldn't do that.

Stephen highlighted some highlights of Hispanic Heritage Month, including the friendly folks over at Fox talking about Mexico not being our friend, or crimes committed by illegal aliens, or even Children of the Corn. Oh, those friends. They just can't help themselves, can they?

The good news is that there is actually a website, HispanicHeritageMonth.gov that has all kinds of wonderful information, I assume, about various aspects of Hispanic Heritage. I assume because I can't be sure. You see, it's the government shutdown and so that is not working now. But in this case, there is an alternative. You can go over to HispanicHeritageMonth.org and find some info there. Hopefully calmer heads will prevail, the shutdown will end and everything will get back to normal soon.

Stephen's guest last night was Daniel Radcliffe. One of the first things they talked about is that Daniel Radcliffe is short. Thanks Stephen for pointing that out. Next Stephen talked a bit about the work Daniel Radcliffe has done so far, such as Harry Potter, Equus and How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.

"Are you afraid of being pigeon-holed as a young, attractive, successful actor who can also sing and dance?" asked Stephen. Wow. Ouch. Way to go right for the jugular after that comment about how tall he is.

The film that Daniel Radcliffe has been working on is "Kill Your Darlings." In it he plays Allen Ginsberg. Stephen put up a photo of Allen Ginsberg and for a few seconds I thought it was a mistake. The resemblance between Daniel Radcliffe and Allen Ginsberg is astounding. Interesting trivia here. Daniel Radcliffe is bilingual. He can speak British and American! A fascinating discussion of the two languages took place with lots of examples of different accents. Blimey.

After the legal obligatory utterance, "You're a wizard, Harry," by Stephen, he asked Daniel Radcliffe if he could take on Elijah Wood in a fight. (They are both about the same height.) A little bit of hesitation, and hemming and hawing, and then Daniel Radcliffe exclaimed, "Yes! Yes, I could."