He Built That

Stephen Colbert is a humble man and he will shout it from a mountain top. That reminds me and Stephen reminded all of us, his latest book, "America Again," will be released on October 2. (It even has pictures.) Next week he will be pushing it, which I assume means trying to get lots of people to buy it. Look for him on Good Morning America, Anderson Cooper, Live with Kelly and Michael, Late Night with David Letterman and in the opening credits of Downton Abbey. Also, he will be on Oprah Winfrey's show, so a busy week for him.

On a sadder note, the polls are not looking good for Mitt Romney, but no need to panic at this point. All you need is a carefree attitude. When asked about the campaign by a reporter, Mitt responded, "Ha, ha. We're in the stretch aren't we? Look at those clouds. It's beautiful. Look at those things." I'm thinking that Paul Ryan has got a new appreciation of those beautiful clouds.

But, and we can't say this often enough, you can't trust polls. Fox News had a poll of likely voters in Florida, Ohio and Virginia. The results for Obama-Biden were 49%, 49%, and 50%. For Romney-Ryan the results were 44%, 42%, and 43%. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Then they isolated voters and just asked the ones who were extremely interested in the election, and they got different numbers. Then it was Obama-Biden 48%, 47% and 49% compared to  Romney Ryan 48%, 47% and 47%. So. Those are definitely numbers. But you know, as they say on Fox, "... scientific gobbley gook - I don't believe them."

Stephen even talked about a conservative blogger, Dean Chambers, who set up his own polls that showed Romney is winning. Finally, Fox had a text-vote on their show. Of the 20,000 who responded, 10% said Obama would win in Ohio and 90% said Romney would win. Now we're getting the kind of numbers we want to see. You would think that would settle it, you would think that would be the end of polls for the night, but no. Stephen has a his own poll, a "Stephen Poll-Bert."

Go over to Colbert Nation and be part of the poll. Here's what you will find"

President Obama currently leads Mitt Romney in the polls. Why are the polls so skewed?

A) People tend to choose the first option they are offered.

B) I don't answer polls.

C) When in doubt, always pick C.

Stephen says it's a scientific poll, so we know that it is.

Last night's guest was Vince Gilligan, creator of "Breaking Bad." More episodes will be coming this summer which gave Stephen a great idea. "Just tell us how it ends." That didn't happen. However, the two of them had a meth-off which is not as bad as it sounds. They just had to come up with different names for meth. We found out that now there is a blue meth. Stephen explained to Vince Gilligan what some of the benefits of having interns are. And they talked about how roads are paved.

So a great episode tonight. Be sure to go over to Colbert Nation to vote and for goodness sakes, think about all the answers before you vote!

Global Bacon Shortage

Who's talking about the upcoming bacon shortage? Who isn't??? But personally, I don't see what the problem is. Right now bacon comes in lengths from about seven inches to ten inches. But for a BLT, that's too long, so I end up cutting or breaking the bacon strips into two pieces and then overlapping them a bit on the toast. If we had this bacon shortage, the pieces would be about five to six inches long, much better fit on the toast to make that BLT. And for bacon and eggs, still a good deal. When I have a fried egg, the bacon always sticks out past the egg and the plate looks unbalanced. So, I am going on record for saying that I would like the bacon strips to be shorter. You can still eat just as much bacon by eating eight or nine pieces instead of the usual six or seven. So, don't worry about the coming Aporkalypse. Not going to be a problem. One thing that would be bad would be if everyone got all upset, went to the grocery store to stock up on bacon, and in doing so created a scenario in which there was not enough bacon to go around. Now that would be a problem. Forget about the whether bacon strips are short or long, We should be worried about not having enough bacon.

Speaking of Louie Gohmert, the Ottoman Empire. That's right, Louie Gohmert is sounding the alarm about the soon-to-be-in-place Ottoman Empire. When I was growing up, that's all we heard about on the news. Stephen told us it collapsed in 1922, but can we be sure. All I can say is, it's good that Louie Gohmert is watching out for us.

We all know that Stephen is a man of faith. And it is obvious every day that he is one of those faithful people who believe in living his faith, not just mouthing it. Because of a recent campaign of prayer, Stephen treated us to his prayer cap, his prayer hands, (Jesus #1) and a nice prayer on the show. That should make things better.

Jim Holt, for some reason, was the guest on The Colbert Report. I wonder why. Stephen had lots of questions for him, lots. He took off the kid gloves, if you know what I mean. Some of the questions from the interview also came from the interviewee, not the interviewer. I present some of the questions. Luckily, there will not be a test, so don't worry.

"Why does the world exist?" "Why does 'Why Does the World Exist' exist?" That was a better question and it was from Stephen. "When was the last time you created everything?" If you want answers, you can buy Jim Holt's book, "Why Does the World Exist? - An Existential Detective Story." I don't know if it will have the answers you want, but since it is a detective story, it should have at least some answers.

America Again

Stephen has a new iPhone 5. I'm betting he got it to help ease the pain of losing the Emmy. That's right, to quote him, "I lost the Emmy." Speaking of losing, Mitt Romney was the first topic of the night on the show. Apparently, Ann Romney's plane had to make an emergency landing recently. Mitt Romney was, of course, very concerned about her safety. He also was concerned that windows on airplanes don't open. Hopefully, if elected, he could work on getting laws passed to fix that problem.

The presidential election is always on every one's mind which is probably what prompted Stephen to give a big shout-out to Ronald Reagan and all conservatives. "You know the old saying, the rich get richer... hurray!" He then mentioned fellow conservative Peggy Noonan again, after quoting her at length last week. "It's time to admit the Romney campaign is an incompetent one."

This just in: Peggy made a correction two days later. "...I called it incompetent...I really meant 'rolling calamity.'" Her advice? "...if he is serious, he has to put in place a guiding philosophy..."

What could that guiding philosophy be? I wonder. What could it be? Isn't it too late in the campaign to come up with a guiding philosophy? NO. Stephen Colbert has solved that problem! Over the weekend, he wrote a book. Yep. Yet another book by author Stephen Colbert:

"America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't."

It is already number one (1!) New York Times Bestseller! It is out in bookstores on October 2, which is coming up pretty soon. If you think the lines to get a new iPhone 5 were long, just wait until people start lining up at all the bookstores all across American again. (Did you notice what I just did there? Oh, yeah, quite clever.) I just wish I could read those really tiny words up at the top of the book by the "bestseller" portion. Wouldn't it have to be on sale for it to become a bestseller?

In the Sport Report, Stephen talked about Replacement Referees for the NFL, but it is just too painful, so I am not going to say anything other than everyone seems to want those Union Referees back on the job, even Scott Walker.

Claressa Shields was Stephen's guest. Sometime Shephen is, (how shall I put this???) pushy with his guests, demanding quick answers and making sure they meet his high standards of punditry. Sometimes he treats them more like close friends or colleagues. I just got this feeling that he was wearing kid gloves while interviewing Claressa Shields. Perhaps that's because, even though she is only 17 years old, she is a winner, in fact she is the first woman and only American boxer to win a gold medal at the Olympic Games in London this year. He called her style Razzle Dazzle. He asked if there is crying in boxing. (Yes, there is.) If Claressa and Stephen were perhaps to go a few rounds of boxing, the outcome would probably be that Claressa would hit Stephen and then he would cry.

But enough of that, go out and get in line to buy Stephen's new book!

He's So Cute

Take a break from your work, your worries, and everything else that's happening and just take a quick peek over at bing. Sure it looks like a maple tree with changing leaves of autumn, but someone is hiding in that hole in the tree. And he's wearing a mask!

New day, new bing. If you want to see the cute critter, use the back arrow at bottom of bing's screen. Today is a nice photo of colorful autumn trees, so worth looking at today also.

My Beak is on Fire, My Beak is on Fire!

Stephen welcomed his Thursday audience (the best), shared Lindsey Graham's strategy for getting more votes, and promoted his new line of Formula 401, Seeds of Discontent. The big highlight of the opening sequence was an appearance by Stephen's colleague Esteban Colberto, prompted no doubt by appearances on Univision by Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. We found out how effective self-deportation can be, as evidenced by the self-deportation of many conservatives from support of Mitt Romney.

Esteban always looks so suave and debonair. Stephen and Esteban had a deep discussion about Latino support, or lack of support, for Mitt Romney. We then found out that Esteban has a certain weakness for Rachel Maddow. Esteban found out from Stephen that Rachel Maddow is a .... liberal. And Stephen found out that Esteban thinks he can changer her. 

Moving easily from Mexico to Spain, we learned about Cecilia Gimenez. I guess you could call her  Spain's Grandma Moses. She restored an old fresco of Jesus. We know who it is because every time Stephen sees the newly restored portrait, he says, "Jesus!" It is so popular, fans are being turned away. It is so marvelous, Stephen became absolutely giddy on the show. For her wonderful work, Stephen makes her his Alpha Dog of the Week. We can only hope she gets the praise and rewards she deserves.

Errol Morris, documentarian and author of "A Wilderness of Error - the Trial of Jeffery MacDonald," was Stephen's guest. The first thing the two men had to do was to try to come to an agreement of what "guilty" and "allegedly guilty" mean. Next word for them to come to terms with was "evidence." Stephen was able to point out the fallacy of believing in evidence.

Interrotron versus the iPad was the last thing they had to sort out. Both men had their own version of a machine to better interview people. Stephen plans on wearing his Ask-o-Matic to bars. He should fit right in.

ong-Wray eggy-Pay

Now we know what would motivate Stephen to become a runner - a throng of people behind him chanting "Stephen. Stephen. Stephen."

In political news, sadly, Stephen disagreed with fellow conservative Peggy Noonan, when she wrote, "It's time to admit the Romney Campaign is an incompetent one."

 "WRONG, Peggy!" shouted Stephen. "That time was six months ago." He went on to explain what redistribution means. "You pay taxes into a single federal agency that pools it and redistributes it across the country to build roads and bridges, sometimes in states you don't live in."

It's been too long since we've been treated to The Word, so it was with gladness that I listened to Stephen talk about "Ask Not." What we learned is that Mitt Romney will continue to tell crowds what he won't do, e.g. he won't take God off our coins. Whew - that would take forever. Do you know how many coins are in circulation? Have you ever tried to scratch God off even one penny? It takes a long time. But back to The Word. Once Mitt Romney has told us everything he won't do, we will finally be able to figure out what he will do. I like that because I like puzzles. You know, sort of like having crossword puzzles and word searches for his supporters to figure out what his policies will be.

Guess who just got married! Wait, that's misleading. Guess who we are just finding out may have been married. Stephen's good friend Jesus. Stephen is happy that JC is married, but a little bit sad that his buddy is no longer a carefree single guy who can do whatever he wants. Stephen expects things will change, including whether he goes to church on Sunday or watches the game with JC. You can almost figure out which one Mrs. Christ will insist on.

World class violinist Itzhak Perlman joined Stephen as the guest. Stephen was excited to meet with a fellow "master of his craft." He played on Ed Sullivan when he was 13. He has Grammys, Emmys, has been at Carnegie Hall and Sesame Street. Next week he will perform at the opening gala of New York Philharmonic's 171st season. (And yes, Stephen did a great job of reading from his notes.) Itzhak Perlman apologized to Stephen for the wrong notes, about three, that he has played in his career. Interestingly enough, Itzhak Perlman got his first violin at about age three, threw it away because it didn't sound like the violins he was used to hearing, and then got another at age four and started playing then. So, quite young. Stephen asked when people started realizing his great musical talent. "Oh, about a year ago," was the quick response.

Stephen got a little bit "concerned" about the state of classical music in the world and country today, but Itzhak Perlman calmed his down. After performing on the "The Colbert Report," Stephen said that violins will get the "Colbert Bump." (That's a relief. After turning the Bump off a few days ago, apparently Stephen, or somebody, must have rebooted it.) At first Itzhak Perlman declined to play, but that was just for one or two seconds before he agreed to play for the studio audience and the larger TV and internet audience.

We did get to hear a performance by Itzhak Perlman. It was wonderful. I watched closely to see how it's done. Now I am going to go out and buy a violin and play the same song. It sure looked pretty easy. Only four strings. Just move the bow back and forth over the strings with the right hand while holding down the strings with the left hand. So, piece of cake. Nothing to it. Yeah, right.

Arrrrrrgyle

Welcome Pirates, Pastafarians, and Purveyors of Argh. Aye, it's a blustery day at sea, but we're all speaking like pirates and having a bit of a celebration with the Captain.

That's right, it is again ITLPD. You know, International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I can't believe it's that time of year again. Where does the time go? Perhaps someone is plundering it.....

Even though International Talk Like a Pirate Day, or more commonly called "Talk Like a Pirate Day," is in the news***, I have no special plans this year, no parties to go to. I think I will just curl up with a good pirate book or maybe watch a favorite pirate movie. Now I just have to decide which book or which movie. Argh, decisions... decisions... decisions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*** What kind of socks to pirates wear?

I Call Topsies

USA Today has a new logo - it's round and blue, but they're going to keep changing it all the time while still keeping it sort of roundish. Has anyone noticed the Comedy Central logo? No one made a big hoopla when that changed. Or at least I don't think Stephen did and that's all that matters. It used to be some tall buildings on a planet with the words Comedy Central. Now it's just a "c" inside a backwards "c". A good logo and also roundish.

Moving on. Mitt Romney was getting a whole lot of criticism about his comments on Libya. Well, no one's talking about that anymore. The campaign has realized it is not where it needs to be and so some refocusing,... rebooting, ... resetting... is going to happen. And, then a videotape shows up.

Back in May, "Romney was the main attraction at $50,000-a-plate... dinner at the home of private equity manager Marc Leder..."

Marc Leder is best known for throwing some wild parties including one where (I have omitted some of the words since this is a family-friendly blog):

"guests ...... in a pool ..... while ....... danced ......." You can read more about the dinner and what Mitt Romney said about 47% of Americans and about that party over at Huffington Post here.

Stephen Colbert said what we are all thinking. "Thank you. Finally, a candidate with the courage to say half of all Americans are freeloaders who believe they're entitled to food. What do they think? Food grows on trees? No. We job creators  know that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Lunch is $50,000 a plate."

And just who are these lazy free loaders? They include the elderly, children and the working poor. And U.S. military personnel deployed to war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on their combat pay. (From Los Angeles Times and TheGrio.)

Mitt Romney then held a press conference to explain what he said and Stephen took time out of his show to explain Mitt's explanation. Basically, calling half of America mindless moochers wasn't said eloquently. Stephen saved the day for Mitt by showing us how it should be done. (Apologies to my  readers if Stephen's choice of words seem explicit. I'm sure everyone is invited to the after-party, not just attractive Russian women.)

Tip Hat Wag Finger - Sorry about shortening that, but I am running out of time and did not want to take the time to type out the complete name for this segment. A jury has awarded Apple $1 Billion in a Samsung Patent Case. Stephen had an excellent breakdown of phones and geometric shapes. It all boils down to rectangles with round corners. - You know - roundish.

Who wore it best? There is way too much time and space devoted to that subject. Especially when two magazines feature the same two women wearing the same dress and the magazines come to the exact opposite conclusion. Stephen had photos that showed two people in same red dress and neither one looked that great to me.

Jeffrey Toobin was Stephen's guest which was special because it was his 6th time on the show. Jeffrey knows a lot about the Supreme Court. In fact, he knows so much that he revealed that Justice Clarence Thomas still hasn't said anything. Toobin's latest book is "The Oath: The Obama White House and the Supreme Court." First off, I have to say that the two men, Colbert and Toobin, disagreed on whether or not it is okay to change your mind. (I'd like to see the Supreme Court decide that!) Stephen asked what mercurial means. That was an eye-opener to me. I thought it was a mermaid who was curious. I think I need to buy a dictionary. And secondly, Stephen was concerned about which way a ruling would go. Sadly, that will not even be decided in this country. It will be decided in France. Sorry, Stephen. Better luck next time.

Shalom, How Have You Wronged Me?

As usual, lots happened while Stephen was gone last week. Some of it not so good. Stephen talked about the death of Christopher Stevens and passed along his condolences.

Mitt Romney criticized President Obama over comments that he said the President made. President Obama did not make those comments at all. Because of that, many conservatives are now criticizing Mitt Romney. Probably because he spoke before he knew what was going on.

Stephen felt the need to explain to Muslims watching the show that here in American, the Constitution gives us freedom of speech and therefore, we can't stop people from making movies that are stupid.

Even as all that was happening, what with the apologies, and the non-apologies (Stephen mentioned Mitt Romney's book "No Apology"), Stephen started talking about Rosh Hashanah. (Or Rosh Hashashananh or something like that. He kind of mangled it.) That's right, it's Rosh Hashanah again. My how time flies. What that means is that it is time for Stephen's Atone Phone Hotline.

Dial 1-888-667-7539, then press 2. That is the hotline for Oops Jew. Be sure to press 2 and not some other number or you will get someone, but not Stephen. Here's the other hotlines you get if you press a different extension after dialing Oops Jew.

1 = Mops Key
3 = Moss Lew
4 = Mos Plex
5 = Nors Lez
6 = O Mrs Lex

So dial carefully. And speaking of dialing carefully, the Atone Phone started ringing. Surprisingly, it was Ira Glass, yes, that Ira Glass. He gave a quick apology to Stephen for not having him on his radio show, This American Life, and then shamelessly plugged his movie, "Sleepwalk With Me." I think we can plan on hearing from Ira Glass next year during Rosh Hashanah when he again calls the Atone Phone Hotline and apologizes for shamelessly plugging his movie, "Sleepwalk With Me."

Stephen's guest was Drew Gilpin Faust, president of Harvard University and author of "This Republic of Suffering: Death and the American Civil War." She told Stephen, "It's never dumb to get an education." He accused her of being prejudiced against dumb people, but then went on to other topics. Her book has been made into a documentary by Ric Burns - no relation to Ken Burns, no wait, they're brothers!

You know how sometimes Stephen seemingly monopolizes the conversation and other times he lets his guest do a lot of the talking? Yeah, well this was one of the nights when he let his guest do a lot of the talking. Good for him.

Look What He's Done

Stephen was disappointed, or rather should I say outraged, that at the VMA the band fun. was beaten by the boy band One Direction.

"Boo.  Boooo."

Stephen expressed his opinion. He talked about the illogical premise of the song, "You Don't Know You're Beautiful." That's what makes you beautiful??? But they just told her and so now she knows it therefore she's no longer beautiful so obviously then she wouldn't know she's beautiful. Well, Stephen just calls it Mobius Pop and moves on to more important stuff. Oh, and in protest, I'm only posting a link to fun. and not a link to One Direction. Hope this helps Stephen feel better.

Night Three of the Omabathon featured Barack Obama giving his speech. I got the impression that Barack Obama was so good that Stephen was impressed! However, one of the claims that Barack Obama made was exactly what Republicans have been working so hard these last four years (not exactly four years, but close enough) to disprove: "I'm the President."

Stephen put it all on the line and bet that we will never hear Mitt Romney say those words.

Liberal pie in the sky ideas showed through in the speech, ideas such as auto workers should be able to afford to buy an auto, Boeing workers should be able to afford a 747 and McDonald's cashiers should be able to afford a burger. (Fantasy World!)

The Conventions are over now. What have we learned? Hispanics are worth their weight in gold. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are as different as black and white. We haven't had such a clear choice since Crystal Pepsi which Stephen said is as current as the Republican Platform.

Even with the differences, though, the candidates did agree on some things. They agreed this is a great nation. They agreed the future is important. The agreed we need jobs. And they both blessed these United States of America. Republicans frowned and said that our country needed help and look what Obama did while the Democrats turned that frown upside down and said that our country needed help and look what Obama did. (If you want to see what he did, check it out here.)

In a surprise development, Stephen was forced to shut down the famous "The Colbert Bump." As you may have noticed, this week is repeat week. So, tonight is this very episode that you are reading about here! You can see Stephen shut down the Bump; if you can handle it, that is.

The guest was (and will be yet again tonight) Ed Rendell, former Governor of Pennsylvania. He talked about his recent book, "A Nation of Wusses - How America's Leaders Lost the Guts to Make Us Great." Stephen and Ed Rendell talked about Democrats. "We believe one thing we should do is take care of each other and our most vulnerable citizens." The crowd applauded when Ed Rendell said that. Stephen countered with, "Obama threw around 'citizenship' like it has responsibilities." Ed agreed. It is as if Obama was saying not only am I a citizen, but this is what citizenship means and the Republicans aren't doing those citizenship things. Obviously, Stephen did not like those types of comments by the President.

Ed also talked about the little guy that Republicans are afraid to stand up to, the one that no one voted for, who, like a modern day Wizard of Oz, pulls the strings and levers. Now, I'm not going to say Grover Norquist's name here, so you'll just have to figure out who Ed was talking about.

Stephen reminded his audience not to be wusses.

Moment of Silence

Today is the anniversary of the day the Twin Towers came down. Bing has a nice image. You can also click on the links to find out more.

After September 11, click on the arrow at bottom of photo to go back to previous day or days.

I Already Had This Finger Up

We learned, thanks to Stephen interpreting what Rush Limbaugh said, that
1. Obama can make or is a hurricane.
2. He can predict the weather months in advance.
3. Actually, there wasn't a third point, but Stephen already had that finger up, so....

Charles Krauthammer knows that you can predict the weather months in advance. My question is, why won't the TV weather guys tell us? Is it some sort of secret that only Krauthammer is allowed to know? It would be so much easier to. Wait a minute. If he said the Democrats would have known in advance that it would rain and Obama wouldn't be able to have his speech outside in a huge stadium, then why didn't the Republicans know in advance that a hurricane was coming? Everyone needs to get on the same page and start using some sort of advanced weather reporting system.

Stephen highlighted three more famous Americans. One was Bill Clinton who gave a great speech at the Convention. Another was John McCain who said, "The fundamentals of our economy are strong." I did not catch the name of the third guy, but he said, "Roads - Where we're going we don't need roads."

Stephen loves profiling Hispanics, so he had Bill Richardson on as the guest. Stephen asked if the energy and enthusiasm at the Democratic National Convention was actually as overwhelming as it seemed on TV. Bill Richards told him, "Yep. It was." Apparently there was dramatic drama at the Democratic National Convention. The two men then enjoyed some food from Taco Bell in a sincere effort by Stephen on Hispanic outreach. This was important to Stephen because Mitt Romney will ask all of them to make a run for the border.

In a bit of a sensitivity lesson, we found out that Hispanic or Latino is equally appropriate to use when referring to Bill Richardson, but Stephen's suggestion of Sombrero Bro, not so much.

The Trouble With Tribbles

I will get those posts up from the latest episodes soon, but in the meantime, you just have to go over to Google to see today's page. It is the 46th Anniversary of Star Trek and it's a lot of fun. A nice diversion for all of you on a sunny (or rainy, or cloudy) day when you have nothing to do (or are working hard).

So, head on over to Google quickly before it goes back to the plain old Google page.

If you miss it, you can catch it here on YouTube. Unfortunately, no one clicked the overhead compartment in the Transporter Room to see what comes tumbling out, so best head over to Google now!

Mom-in-Chief

Down in Charlotte, North Carolina, the Democratic National Convention is still in full swing. Stephen objected to the constant noise in the background that seems to have no explanation. What is really strange about this noise is that it seems to be loudest at the same time as all those convention signs are waving back and forth, signs such as "Michelle," "Forward," and "Stephen Colbert." har har har. I made up that last one.

We did get an explanation when Stephen played a video clip of Brit Hume. He said, and I assume he has his facts all checked out on this, that the Democrats had the sound turned way up and so that's why the roar of the greasepaint, oops, roar of the crowd was so loud.

By the way, did you know that you can read the transcript of Michelle Obama's Convention Speech over at NPR? Well you can. And you can also listen to Michelle Obama's Convention Speech at the same link. It's 25 minutes and 6 seconds long, so you can read it or listen to it while waiting for your pizza to be delivered.

Everyone agreed the speech was great and when she said that her most important job was Mom-in-Chief, it brought out the crocodile tears in Stephen. I can understand why it would bring Stephen to tears. Even Charles Krauthammer thought the speech was brilliant.

 We also got to see Tammy Duckworth, Congressional candidate, giving a speech about her background, her family, her military service, and the heroism of her crew in Iraq. And yes, I found the text of her speech also. You can read that over at Huffington Post.

What seems to be grabbing attention with some of the media is the number of Twitter Tweets going on during the Conventions. Michelle Obama seems to be winning. What does it all mean? Stephen explains. He used the Internet Numbo-Tron 3000 to help explain  numbers, e.g., 5, 9, 14, and 3. He can't explain what any of the numbers mean, but he feels compelled to report on these numbers to his audience. Tonight's big number? It was 11,394.5. Holy Cow! That's a decimal. Stephen will keep us updated on this especially if he has time to fill. Of course, Stephen was making a point, but then he couldn't explain the point, so it was sort of pointless.

During the Sport Report, Stephen told us that the football referees are in a labor dispute with owners. One problem is over benefits such as vision coverage. Stephen offered to share his eyeglasses with the professional referees. This should settle the problem.

The guest was Michael Grunwald talking about his latest book, "The New New Deal, The Hidden Story of Change in the Obama Era." The book is a New York Times Bestseller, so that, plus the fact that he is on The Colbert Report, probably means that you may want to read this book.It was a very lively discussion. I could hardly keep up and neither could Michael Grunwald. I'm not one to tell tales, but Stephen barely let the guy talk. Where's a referee when you need one?

Enthusiasm

"Today, the thrill and pixie dust of Barack Obama's Presidency is gone. Americans feel no hope. Democrats are despirited. And enthusiasm is clearly on the Republican side."

That was Reince Priebus with what I assume is his audition tape for Saturday Night Live. Reince Priebus is most likely hoping to get to be the replacement for the sketch they used to have about Debbie Downer. You really do have to listen to  the delivery of that audition tape to appreciate the irony. He is talking about enthusiasm but he has absolutely none. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

With the Democratic Convention going on, it's the perfect time for Better Know a District. Yvette Clarke of New York's 9th was Stephen's guest. (But she will be in the 11th or is it the 11th now and will be the 9th??? Darn that Census and all the redrawn districts.) They talked about, if you can believe this, time machines. Time and time again, people realize that an interview with Stephen will be anything but easy. He will catch you off guard and trip you up on details.

Stephen is no fan of facts, especially when facts are used to attack good men like Paul Ryan. It was disgusting how everyone (Washington Post and Fox News) jumped all over his statements because they weren't "factually" honest.

Washington Post - Paul Ryan rebuts claims he made misleading statements in convention speech.
Washington Post -  Paul Ryan's breathtakingly dishonest speech
Fox News - Paul Ryan's speech in 3 words "World record for the greatest number of blatant lies."

From all that, Stephen was able to piece together quite the flattering statement for Paul Ryan.

Another thing Paul Ryan has been called out on is running a marathon really fast. He doesn't exactly remember his time and so inflates it (deflates it?) down to less than 3 hours when actually it was over 4 hours. Runners, those people who run 26 miles for an afternoon of fun, say that true runners remember their best  time. They remember exactly, to the second, how fast they ran that marathon. Stephen had one piece of advice for Paul Ryan. Brag about stuff that can Not be fact-checked.

Stephen's guest was Reihan Salam, Contributing Editor for National Review. Finally, a conservative guest! The two of them were having a nice yet awkward discussion when the audience started pooh-poohing Salam. "Excuse me!" Stephen said to his audience. "I'll be the one to disparage my guests."

Salam pointed out that George W. Bush was able to persuade Democrats to vote for some of his ideas and Obama can't seem to match this.

Stephen asked if it was because of the failure of Democrats who are willing to compromise with people they don't like and thus vote for Bush's stuff? Or is it that the Republicans have the strength not to do anything for someone they want out of office after one term?

Chair, You Disappoint Me

I can't believe it. I assigned the writing of this post to my computer chair and nothing happened. I assumed that if a chair could be on stage at the Republican Convention then I could trust a chair to write a simple post here. So now I have to play catch up with last Friday's episode. Here it is briefly.

Chris Wallace of Fox News was so taken by the pretty balloons at the end of the Republican Convention that he didn't add any commentary, other than just shut up and watch.

Everyone seemed to judge Mitt Romney's speech as solid. Stephen agreed that Mitt Romney is a solid - matter can't pass through him and he does not conform to the shape of his container.

Then, Stephen, imitating what he saw on Fox News, was rubbing his hands together and saying, "Happy Anniversary Darling. Now eat this mystery pastry."

We got to see a clip of Clint Eastwood talking to a chair. (See, it worked for him!)

After a speech like that, everyone wanted Clint Eastwood on their program. Stephen was able to get Clint Eastwood ......... 's Chair on. Stephen told Clint Eastwood's Chair that Obama has kept none of his promises, but then he reluctantly agreed with Clint Eastwood's Chair that

Obama did sign the Lilly Ledbetter Act
and
Obama saved the auto industry
and
that we are the only western nation without Universal Health Care
and
that yes he, Stephen, is his brother's keeper since he's a Christian
and
yes he, Stephen, does ask what he can do for his country
and yes
of course he wants to live in hope
and
he ended up leading the audience in a rousing cheer of
Yes We Can
Yes We Can
Yes We Can.

Stephen had a short segment with a tribute to Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the Moon. There were many other tributes to Neil Armstrong, but Stephen had his own unique tribute.

The guest was James Carville talking about his latest book, "It's the Middle Class, Stupid." James Carville was a bit miffed to be playing second fiddle to a chair, but he got over it. I couldn't help but think how interesting it would have been if Stephen could also have interviewed Bill Hader at the same time. Google Bill Hader. He does a pretty good James Carville and a pretty good Clint Eastwood.

This is the last time I ask a chair to write anything for me.