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I got a call today. Didn't recognize the phone number on my Caller ID. So I answered it anyway.

"Hi, we understand you may be interested in ACT test preparation!"

Like, ... no! As if I wanted to become an actor. Seems to me that they should call Stephen Colbert. Now he would make a good, and by good I of course mean great, actor.

And this is for sure my last post for next 2 weeks or so.

Cheerie-O. Tally-ho.

Update:
*** I hereby give this phone number the Colbert Un-Bump!

My Bags Are Packed

I'm ready to go.

Every now and then, Stephen Colbert takes a vacation. And every now and then, so do I. Yes, I will be gone for a while and away from my trusty and somewhat rusty computer. So, I won't have any new posts for about two weeks.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to England, and I'm not saying I'm going to a wedding. But, I will be somewhere near the ocean and somewhere near the queen, but that's all I can say.

Once I get back, I will start posting again. Maybe by then we will have less snow and more warmth. Maybe even some picnic weather.

See you soon.

Stephen Colbert Meet King Tut

Well, it would seem that it might be a week off for Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report. So that leads me to wonder where he is and what he is doing. He might just be staying home, growing a beard and being a couch potato while eating lots of Doritos.

Or, he might be searching for answers to some of the questions of the Universe. If you are a regular viewer, you know that occasionally, Stephen will talk about King Tut, or Tutankhamun. There is the possibility that Stephen is In St. Paul at The Science Museum of Minnesota where Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs is now on exhibit.

I recently had the chance to be in St. Paul, Minnesota. (No, I was not visiting Tim Pawlenty or Michele Bachmann. Neither of them actually spend much time in Minnesota.) It really doesn't matter why I was there. The important thing is that I did go to the "Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs" exhibit at the Science Museum of Minnesota. It was pretty neat. I waited in line for my ticket time with about 30 other people. Then, a recording by Harrison Ford (you know - Indiana Jones) gave a brief introduction about the exhibit and then the doors to the exhibit opened and we all went in. After that, we could walk at our own pace and look at all the artifacts and statues.

I am quite sure that Stephen would be thrilled to see everything in the "Tutankhaman and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs" exhibit in St. Paul, so maybe he is in St. Paul. (If not, this review of the exhibit might entice him to go see the boy pharaoh.)

However, there is also Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs exhibit open right now in Melbourne, Australia. That's right! Maybe Stephen is in Australia. The exhibit is at the Melbourne Museum until November 6, 2011. You can view a preview of that exhibit at the Melbourne link with a little bit of news coverage and then the promotional part narrated by Omar Sharif.

And for those of you who miss out on those two cities, there is also Houston, Texas exhibit running from October 16, 2011 through April 15, 2012.

I just need to warn Stephen about something. "It" is missing. Sorry. What can you expect after all these years?

And now to end on a musical note, here's a link to Friend of the Show Steve Martin with his tribute to King Tut on Saturday Night Live. (Short commercial and then the video will play.)

I think we can all agree that Stephen Colbert will be as famous in the year 5011 as King Tut is now in 2011.

Cadbury 3:16

Lots happened on The Colbert Report Thursday (April 14, 2011). Where to begin, where to begin?

Well, one thing that was somewhat emotional for Stephen, and for the whole Colbert Nation I would venture to guess, was about his Colbert PAC. Stephen read a memo from the company lawyers. Lots of legal mumbo jumbo, but the main point was that Stephen could not have his Colbert PAC. This was distressing for Stephen, and I admit, I shed a tear or too also.

Stephen even invited Trevor Potter, recognized by some as being a "Super Lawyer," to help him understand all the legal intricacies of a PAC (Political Action Committee). Aha, thus the good news. Instead of a PAC, Stephen could have a Super PAC. By use of a simple 1 page cover letter stating "I want to have a Super PAC," Stephen was able to go ahead with his plan to begin:

"Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow."

Yea! Problem solved. Unlimited amounts of money.

And this being Spring, that can only mean Easter is upon us soon. Stephen provided updates as he usually does at this time of the year and then quoted from Cadbury 3:16:

"Take this egg, and hide it somewhere.
Perhaps under a log.
Or in a shoe.
Give the kids a challenge.
But you know, not too much of a challenge."

Yes. We can all do well to remember that this Easter.

His guest, I almost forgot. It was Caroline Kennedy! She has a new book:

she
walks in
beauty
a woman's journey through POEMS

Did you notice I even typed that just like the cover of the book? She and Stephen read poetry and recited poetry and had some nice laughs even. In honor of Caroline for having a new book out and to Stephen for having her on the show, I dedicate this work of poetry to Stephen Colbert.

There once was a man, name of Stephen,
His ears alas were not even,
But his mind it was sharp,
Manly voice - - like a harp,
Of his greatness we all are believin'.

Much Less Desirable Candidate

Again, in an attempt to try to gain more viewers from the state of Minnesota, Stephen talked (briefly) about the Ol' T Paw, Tim Pawlenty. Apparently, Tim Pawlenty said on CNN, and I quote, "I'm running for President."

His campaign immediately tried to backtrack by saying that CNN reported the full quote out of context. Funny, because CNN showed video Tim Pawlenty saying it. It's not as if they edited and spliced and cut out parts of the conversation. They said there will be a formal announcement later this spring.

And yet, if there's uncertainty about whether or not he is running, then why does he have a campaign staffer? (See Benjamin Foster.) Anyway, after this "I'm running (flip) I'm not running (flop), Stephen has declared Tim Pawlenty to be a "Much Less Desirable Candidate."

Perhaps this would be a good time to remind Stephen that he can still decide to run again for president. I think Colbert could afford the money to run as a Republican. What is it, $5,000 or so?

Moving on.

Stephen had a whole segment on the marketing of beauty products to women. First you invent a need, then you manufacture the product. Latest company in that endeavor is Dove. They are trying to convince women that their armpits are ugly. And then, after only 5 days of using their deodorant, voila, they have beautiful armpits.

I'm not making that up. sheesh.

Of course, if you go to Colbert Nation and watch the show, you will see Stephen smear Ben and Jerry's Americone Dream Ice Cream on Veronica's armpit. You try having Ice Cream smeared on your armpit and keep smiling all the time. That is talent!

There was other good stuff on the show, including guest Morgan Spurlock to talk about product placement, but as soon as it was over, I headed for the kitchen cupboard. I don't know why, but I just had an overwhelming desire to eat some Doritos.

Colbert Nation on Twitter

If you need a good laugh right now, and who doesn't nowadays, go to Colbert Nation and follow Stephen at Home as he Tweets. It's down there at the bottom of the page, on the right hand side.

Not Intended to Be a Factual Statement

Remember when Jon Kyl had to backtrack on his comments about Planned Parenthood? Apparently what he said was not intended to be a factual statement.

And so Stephen Colbert and his Colbert Nation have had a field day with that phrase. Stephen said that there were nearly 77,000,000 tweets per minute using "Not Intended to Be a Factual Statement."

Disclaimer:That previous statement is Not Intended to Be a Factual Statement. (Stephen never said that.)

I think the real number was closer to 46 tweets per minute.

However, Stephen did say, "Jon Kyl is gay." (Banner at bottom of screen: "Not Intended to Be a Factual Statement.")

But, think of the impact this will have. The Ten Commandments can be rewritten. "Thou shall not make a statement which is Not Intended to Be a Factual Statement."

or

Mom to Jimmy: "Jimmy, did you throw a rock through this window?"

Jimmy to Mom: "No." (Not Intended to Be a Factual Statement and therefore Jimmy doesn't have to go sit in the corner.)

But now that we know all this and have all the terms properly identified, we can expect that the next time Jon Kyl says something as false and misleading as his Planned Parenthood statement, we will see and hear Joe Wilson, jumping to his feet, pointing at Jon Kyl and yelling, "You are saying something that is Not Intended to Be a Factual Statement!"

And this time, Joe Wilson will actually be telling the truth.

Myth Buster or Mythbuster?

I realized today that my last post had, yes, a spelling error. Namely that Myth Buster should be Mythbuster, one word, if I am talking about the TV show and the wonderful people that spend most of their time busting myths.

So, I'll fix that error.

But there is also the overall theme to that post of busting myths, so that could be called myth buster. It's kind of a fuzzy area, you know, fuzzy spelling.

There are people who know absolutely when it is correct to use Myth Buster and when it is correct to use Mythbuster. Those people are called Spell Busters. Or is it Spellbusters?

MythBusters Meet Jon Kyl

Stephen had some news about Jon Kyl on tonight's show. Senator Kyl, Republican from Arizona, stated with a straight face that abortion was well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does. But then his office said, well it's not like that was meant to be factual. Apparently, it's just something that he said. Sort of like a myth.

It's kind of like the friends over at Fox and Friends saying something like Planned Parenthood is unnecessary for women's health for things like blood pressure checks, Pap Smears and breast checks because they can get all that at Walgreens. Oh, no. Another myth! You can't get Pap Smears at Walgreens. Walgreens does have some information about Pap Smears at their website, but they are certainly not health providers.

Stephen interviewed the MythBusters (Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage) tonight. He offered them ideas for several excellent myths that should be either busted or not busted. Time will tell if they consider his ideas.

And then on a lighter note, here is what Mike Pence (Republican from Indiana) said when talking about the Government Shutdown being averted. Note, he did not speak in complete sentences all of the time, so bear with me as I try to transcribe what he said.

"We're trying we're trying to score a victory for the Republican people for the American for the Republican people. We're trying to score a victory for the American people not to the Republican Party." It's hard to know if what he was saying was a myth or not, mostly because it's hard to know what he was saying.

Anyway, it was a time for myths tonight when what we actually need is a time for Truthiness in the Nation.

Note: I changed the incorrect spelling of Myth Busters on April 12. See posting from April 12 about Mythbusters. But I left the capital or uppercase "B" just to give it special attention for the TV show.

Awkward

Remember when Stephen was talking about Tim Pawlenty? (Also called TimMAY, Timbo, T Paw, and the Ol' T Paw.) Well it seems one of Pawlenty's first campaign decisions has turned out to be somewhat awkward. One of his aides in Iowa, Benjamin Foster, was arrested on charges of public intoxication and trespassing.

You can read about it here at CNN Politics - political ticker.

Also here at The Gazette, a Cedar Rapids, Iowa paper.

One more here at Pawlenty's home town paper - StarTribune.

Although Tim Pawlenty comes across as quite a boring person, it seems his staffer sure knows how to Par-ty.

Perhaps Benjamin Foster needs some "proper etiquette" training. Stephen is just the person to provide that service.

Update: Spelling of Ankeny in Iowa has been corrected. Thank you to An Iowan in Comments.

Proper Etiquette for High Tea

I can't remember when I have heard someone say "No" more often than last night when Hugo Vickers again tried to school Stephen Colbert in the proper etiquette for high tea and for meeting The Queen. I could tell you about the "Do not hug her," and the "gauche faux pas". I could explain what Stephen means when he says, "I'm just not buying it," or who Stephen employed as a stand-in for The Queen. And I could tell you about Stephen's grand entrance after he is properly kitted out.

But as they say, one picture is worth a thousand words and, video is probably worth a million words. Go watch Stephen from last night, and the previous night at Colbert Nation. Stephen tries his darndest to be British, but it's not as easy as it looks. You have to see it to believe it.

And I need to get something off my chest. My mom called last night. She said it is rude to accuse someone else of being rude. And so I apologize for the "less than kind" things I said about Stephen in my previous post "My Fair Colbert." He tries to do things right, but sometimes it's difficult for him. We should all applaud his willingness to try new things.

Moving on.

Interesting guest tonight. Jeff Greenfield was there to talk about his new book. "Then Everything Changed." What if one little event in history had happened differently or if it had never happened at all? Who knows what the effect would have been? There's many instances of people who were sick and did not go to work when something horrible happened. Or someone budges in front of you in line and buys the losing lottery ticket and the next one, the one you get, ends up being the winning ticket. If that person had waited for his turn in line, he would have gotten the winning ticket instead of you.

So, his book is about lives and politics of JFK, RFK, Carter, Ford and Reagan. It sounds like a really different take on history, examining it based on what almost happened. Go buy it, then read it.

Colbert Meet Shakespeare

I was looking at one of those stories that pop up to entice you on the internet while I was checking my Yahoo! email. It's called "Who Knew" and is presented by Toyota and so of course there are short commercials by Toyota. Interestingly enough Regan Burns from the Comedy Central Show "Halfway Home" was in that commercial. So there's a connection right there to Stephen Colbert.

But even more fascinating than that is what it was about - William Shakespeare. It seems that the Bard would make up words, as many as 1600 of them. And one of the words that he made up was the word "bump." That's right,

b u m p

Where would Stephen be without Shakespeare? We wouldn't have the famous Colbert Bump. All those people who have gotten the Colbert Bump would be out of luck. And what would I have named this blog, Colbert Thingamajig?

Stephen Colbert owes a lot to William Shakespeare. I think he should thank Shakespeare and maybe even have him on The Colbert Report to do so in person. It's almost as if Shakespeare literally gave Stephen the actual "Colbert Bump."

And for those of you who just love made-up words, here's another good one for you: jilqui. It means a person who cheats at Scrabble by making up words. Rumor has it that it was made up during a game of Scrabble at a bar in Lake Wobegon back in the 1960s.

My Fair Colbert

Rumor has it that Stephen Colbert actually has very bad table manners, generally. This includes dunking his biscuits or scones into tea, licking the spoon, clinking the spoon, and even stealing the spoon.

This all became very obvious to the thousands of Colbertians watching The Colbert Report tonight. Stephen had hoped to learn enough manners to not make a complete fool of himself when he goes to the Royal Wedding (where is his invitation anyway? time's a wasting!).

He joined up with an expert on British protocol for meeting Royalty at the soon to be very famous Tea and Sympathy. Basically he made a fool of himself and frankly, Stephen Colbert embarrassed the entire United States of America.

Now. To see what I expect will be a very quick correction of the many errors I have made in this posting, check out the website icorrect.com. If anything I said was untrue or if it was true but unkind, then corrections should show up soon to set the record straight.

If corrections do not show up there, then we will know that Stephen needs to do a little bit more work on his table manners before he meets The Queen.

Overheard at Tea and Sympathy:

"You're doing everything wrong."
"No, you don't steal the spoon."
"No dunking."
"Put your pinkie back."
"No."
"Don't"
"No."
"No, no, no."

TimMAY Meet Timbo

For some reason, last night's show seemed longer than ever, so much so, that I could feel myself getting older as I watched. Which was somehow very strange considering that Stephen spent a small portion of the show talking about Tim Pawlenty. Pawlenty likes to think of himself as the "young candidate".

Who? you might ask. And well you should. Even in his home state of Minnesota, people still ask who? Anyway, Stephen was calling Pawlenty every nick-name in the book: Timbo, the Ol' T Paw, Paw-lenty. Actually the "w" is silent, so it's just pronounced "pa-LENTY" but lots of people do call him PAW-lenty, so I guess it's just 6 dozen of one and 1/2 of the other. (Is my math right?)

Anywho, Stephen was making fun of the Ol' T Paw by making him out to be some sort of non-dynamic, milquetoast sort of fella. For example, he had footage of the guy speaking and also this quote: "For a candidate, I am relatively young. I have a more recent connection to the younger generation than some have or might have had in the past." I feel older just reading that quote.

Wow. That is right up there with "Yes We Can." (Video at dipdive song by will.i.am and others.)

Okay, now I'm really pulling your leg. "Yes, We Can" grabs your attention and wakes up your spirit more ... way, way more.

But the Timbo part of the show was just a small portion. Stephen also had Frank Jameso and his brother James Franco on. I was impressed, really impressed as, I assume, was Stephen. James Franco and Stephen had a lengthy, intellectual conversation and both men went away respecting the awesomeness of the other man. True intellectual giants.

Stephen also remarked (and I wish I had paid closer attention so that I had the exact quote) that James Franco is quite learned, having visited and attended many colleges and universities.

Stephen Already Has an iPad 2

I don't know what to think. Last night Stephen revealed that he got an iPad 2 on the first day! It sounds like he actually went out and paid money for it. At least he didn't make a big deal about it, so one can only assume that there was no special deal worked out.

So now we can evaluate the Poll about when he would get it. I'm not even sure whether or not to say someone correctly guessed the correct time when Stephen would get his iPad 2. We can review the answers offered to see which ones were selected.

One person guessed he would have it the next time he did a show. One guessed he would get it after Jon Stewart got one and one person guessed Never. No one guessed that he would get it for his birthday, so everyone who did not vote that way was correct since his birthday is, oops, I better not spill the beans on when that is. (I'm planning a surprise about something or for someone, but can't say what.)

And I don't know if Jon Stewart got an iPad. So it is possible that Stephen got an iPad 2 after Jon Stewart got an iPad 2, but at this point in time, we just can't say if that was the correct answer. And since he had his iPad but didn't tell us, well it gets really murky trying to figure out if anyone was correct on their guess for the Poll.

I will have to redo my thinking on what to ask for the next Poll. It will need to have answers that are more likely to be either right or else wrong. The Poll needs to have a much better truthiness quotient than my first Poll had.

What Does He Think I Am - - - Made of Music?

Stephen Colbert, in talking about Jimmy Fallon's promise to sing "Friday" on last Friday on Fallon's show, asked his "The Colbert Report" listeners, "What does he think I am - - - made of music?"

Well, in a word, YES.

Stephen often sings with his musical guests on the show. And I know he sings in the shower. (I don't actually know that. I made it up. But it is possible that he does sing in the shower since many people do sing in the shower.)

He's a fantastic singer.

And now I can tell everyone that there are plans in the making for Stephen to make a CD with other talented artists and donate the money to charities chosen by each singer.

No, wait, that's wrong. I think that last paragraph is a figment of my imagination. Curses! I always have a fuzzy brain on Mondays. There are no plans in the making for Stephen to make a CD. (Tears roll down my cheeks and drip into my cup of coffee.)

And yet, what a wonderful idea. Just think of the money that could be raised by the loyal and generous and intelligent and good-looking folks over at the Colbert Nation! Each artist would pick a favorite charity and the profits from that song, or a percentage from the whole album, could go to that charity. It would provide funding plus good publicity for the charities.

Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, someday in the future this could happen. And then I could once again try to claim that I can read Stephen Colbert's mind. oooohhhhhhh!

In the meantime, if you haven't seen Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon and the Roots and Taylor Hicks and the Knicks City Dancers in the wonderful performance of "Friday" you can check it out here on hulu.

There's a short commercial and then you can spend 5 minutes and 2 seconds for the best experience of your life. Stephen Colbert sings "Friday."

Friday Friday

So, here it is Saturday and I'm writing about Friday. And with good reason. As promised, Stephen Colbert made a grand appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to sing "Friday". It was magnificent. Jimmy Fallon joined in with his usual exuberance. Then magically, Taylor Hicks appeared, bursting onto the stage. Wow, then came the Knicks City Dancers. The Roots were in grand form as always. The audience added as much enthusiasm as you typically see on The Colbert Report.

It was, as Jimmy said, the moment we've been waiting for. Stephen Colbert was a man of Jimmy's word.

With generous donations of $1, $5, even $8, they raised over $86,000 for Donors Choose.

Wonderful!

Now, my lingering question. When will Stephen put out a CD of songs? Yes there was the Christmas stuff, but something with year-long appeal. Stephen is a great, no, greatest singer and the world deserves to hear his golden tones.

Sour Grapes

Yes, I did watch The Colbert Report, but, and I am ashamed to admit this, I did not give it my full attention. Therefore, I don't think I can give an accurate account of what the show was about. "How could I do that?" you ask. Well, sometimes these things just happen. People are busy. Reading their email. Eating a cookie. Cutting their toenails. I'm sorry. I have no excuse.

What I did catch was something about Roy Dan Hollander and I think when he was at a bar when it was Ladies Night the wine was made from Sour Grapes and so he went to Wisconsin to a Republican Party meeting and they had a buffet but it also had Sour Grapes. And then Roy Dan Hollander was teaching everyone at that party how to dance.

And Stephen had someone on talking about different cultures and their systems of justice.

So, probably you should go to Colbert Nation to watch the full episode when it is available which should be soon, maybe later this morning or in the afternoon.

I may have gotten some of the parts from last night's show wrong. But I know there were Sour Grapes, so that part is right.